Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > when "splitting" happens by the person you love      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Scamp_in_VT
Joined: 8/8/2011
Msg: 1
when "splitting" happens by the person you lovePage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I'm not asking about 'splitting up' or splitting the tab... I am talking about the term 'splitting' for when the person you love and who loves you- who otherwise has a lot of wonderful qualities- and in a relationship that is otherwise full of good dimensions- is powerfully prone, a small portion of the time (but powerfully, when it happens) of "splitting' by flipping into a very dark mode (black and white thinking) of seeing you/ your actions/ your intentions in the worst possible light. It can and often does come up when least expected. I understand that this emanates from unresolved pain and issues in this person's past, and do my best to not take it personally, but it still craters the closeness between us when it happens, and, over time, the fact that it's never if, but when, it will happen again, and I do not know when .... is impairing my own ability to fully trust & connect.

Also, please don't try to assail me that I'm nuts for being or staying in this relationship- whether I will stay will depend on whether this can turn-around in the long term.

I've learned that trying to be responsive in a reassuring way... doesn't help (every heartfelt answer or explanation just trips the trigger for the next awful inference/ accusation), and getting pissed off doesn't help (it sends it underground for a while but it eventually comes back, and maybe even worse for having been sent underground and festered). I have considered just bluntly calling bullshit and swiftly detaching from contact when this happens, until the person gets their head back on straight, but this is a person who I love and I know that this is a result of unresolved fear and pain, and I am not at all sure that that degree of hard-line response on my part will really help her/this move past this recurring pattern.

I'm sure that some will suggest therapy- and we're already doing that, each as individuals, and with a third couples counselor, all of them highly qualified.

I welcome thoughts and suggestions from people who have navigated this- and either found ways to change the pattern and get beyond it, or, as well, how and when people have been able to caringly and sound-ly come to the conclusion that the broken-ness that drives this is simply not capable of change to an extent or at a rate that allows a relationship to be sustainable.

Thanks in advance
 IgottaName
Joined: 3/29/2014
Msg: 2
when splitting happens by the person you love
Posted: 11/20/2016 6:06:15 PM
What in god's name are you blathering about?
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 3
view profile
History
when splitting happens by the person you love
Posted: 11/20/2016 6:14:49 PM
If you are saying what I think you are, you could be dealing with someone who is bipolar. Get a formal diagnosis.
 Robyn143
Joined: 7/19/2016
Msg: 4
view profile
History
when splitting happens by the person you love
Posted: 11/20/2016 6:15:36 PM
What in god's name are you blathering about?.....I second that..lol..what was this post about?..what little info I could get from it sounds to me like the person is suffering from severe depression and that isnt something to take lightly.
 Whatsamattababy
Joined: 5/3/2016
Msg: 5
when splitting happens by the person you love
Posted: 11/20/2016 6:20:44 PM

What in god's name are you blathering about?


Bah ha! (No offense to the nice gentleman.)


... you could be dealing with someone who is bipolar.


Oh, Sweet Mother of God.
 Yule_liquor
Joined: 12/7/2011
Msg: 6
when splitting happens by the person you love
Posted: 11/20/2016 6:36:27 PM

you could be dealing with someone who is bipolar.


I agree with Igor, and was thinking along the same lines as BiPolar, or even a "borderline personality" type.
The therapists involved should have brought this possibility across to you, which if not, then I would question their "qualifications" in dealing with this matter.
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 7
when splitting happens by the person you love
Posted: 11/20/2016 7:06:21 PM
Unless diagnosed why are you using this term? Generally manifested in BPD, you can get help via dialectical behavior therapy.
Self help books abound
But alas you are asking the wrong people in the wrong place
Maybe you are the root cause of her issues. See? See how easy it is to lay fault
Not often do adults do splitting btw, so you knew it going in
 aintnodeal
Joined: 4/10/2016
Msg: 8
view profile
History
when splitting happens by the person you love
Posted: 11/20/2016 7:40:09 PM
Consult the "Twister" game book to see if splitting is allowed. I think it is, so just spin the dial again and keep playing.
 moonbeamlover1
Joined: 11/10/2016
Msg: 9
when splitting happens by the person you love
Posted: 11/20/2016 7:43:57 PM
Sometimes a person has a huge infusion of fear ( fight or flight) that details logic and temperament and comes out in aggression picked fights and hitting first so they can't be hurt. It's not rational nor is it intentional... but some people have powerful triggers that set that mode off and it can be confusing and painful if you are unloaded in by someone in that mode.

you can't navigate it. because you can't predict or control it. only they can if they get help. if they don't.. it won't change and you will be in a very confusing twisty emotional roller coaster with no idea who you are going to be responded to.

good luck to you. And to them
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 10
view profile
History
when splitting happens by the person you love
Posted: 11/20/2016 8:01:34 PM
You are most likely describing a disorder, not usually something a person can get past on their own, and certainly not if someone is busy enabling them. She needs a good therapist, that's not easy to find, but you are not her therapist, and you shouldn't take on the job playing one. I'm not saying you have, but you could do a lot more harm if you try to navigate this yourself. If she's not willing to get help, and if people let her get away with her behavior, things could get much worse for her.
 gotahubcapdiamondstarhalo
Joined: 9/21/2016
Msg: 11
when splitting happens by the person you love
Posted: 11/21/2016 3:07:42 AM

I'm sure that some will suggest therapy- and we're already doing that, each as individuals, and with a third couples counselor, all of them highly qualified.




Why pay good money for therapy, and then come HERE to ask questions about mental health?
 gotahubcapdiamondstarhalo
Joined: 9/21/2016
Msg: 12
when splitting happens by the person you love
Posted: 11/21/2016 3:17:05 AM
Oh, now I see your other thread from April:

https://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts16525503.aspx

7 months (at least) of this and still not to your liking?

Perhaps you should use your time with the therapist on YOUR problems ... for example, why are YOU so intent on "fixing" someone else?

I think that is something you can address, with professional help.
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 13
when splitting happens by the person you love
Posted: 11/21/2016 5:20:14 AM
Hey Moonbeam, good to see you :)
Interesting that months later and the struggle continues OP. I wonder what you were really hoping to get here
 youwinhere
Joined: 1/8/2009
Msg: 14
view profile
History
when splitting happens by the person you love
Posted: 11/21/2016 5:23:58 AM
I would assume it means it is just time to" move on" .Not what a person wants to hear, but it is a form of abuse. Take it or leave it. Sorry to give you any unwanted feedback. I have some experience , there are better people out there.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 15
when splitting happens by the person you love
Posted: 11/21/2016 7:00:09 AM

I'm sure that some will suggest therapy- and we're already doing that, each as individuals, and with a third couples counselor, all of them highly qualified.


But they're not as qualified as us. Right? And our rates are cheaper.
 halforhalfnot
Joined: 9/13/2016
Msg: 16
when splitting happens by the person you love
Posted: 11/21/2016 7:23:24 AM
This is the best place to get unqualified people to diagnose based on a few sentences posted.

I thought we were saying everyone had a narcissistic personality disorder. How come I haven't seen that yet?
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 17
when splitting happens by the person you love
Posted: 11/21/2016 8:17:38 AM
Okay, so your partner has excess emotional baggage or she has a mental health issue, and you are always on pins and needles, wondering when she'll explode next. That's no way to live.

It's good that she's going to counseling, that's the first step.... counseling can help her learn how to deal with her issue.

Another thing you can do is get some healthy space. It takes work to relate to a person all the time, so let's lessen the workload by having more time apart. Get together when she's in a good mood and misses you a little. If you live together, get a mancave - a spare room or the garage to hangout by yourself. Also, some married couples live apart and see each other as little as once a week for a date.

Finally, I hate to say this, but some people have too much baggage to be a catch.

Good luck to you.
 moonbeamlover1
Joined: 11/10/2016
Msg: 18
when splitting happens by the person you love
Posted: 11/21/2016 8:24:11 AM
hey Ouija good to see you too

I suspect the OP was not looking for diagnosis so much as a thread of hope from someone who has successfully navigated ghis particular personality successfully,

I have good news and bad news OP, I do know a person very very much like you described who ultimately after many years of extreme therapy medication and a whole lot of self work found a person and got married and are doing ok, not great but ok, but it was ma y years after they tried a relationship with me, ,,You need to worry about you because they would need all their energy for self healing so having enough energy to try and forge a couple ship might take more reserves than they have right now, ,they have to do themselves, band you may or may not have caught on yet that when you are around an unstable person it starts to shift your world and you need to get your own foundation back,,.

best of luck to you OP
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 19
view profile
History
when splitting happens by the person you love
Posted: 11/21/2016 12:49:44 PM
If that's what he's hoping for, he should move on. You can't fix people, and in the case of being mentally or emotionally ill, it's a lot to ask of the sufferer. Except them as they are but without enabling them, or move on. People shouldn't be treated like projects.
 Danesnpits
Joined: 10/17/2014
Msg: 20
when splitting happens by the person you love
Posted: 11/21/2016 11:15:57 PM
She has Borderline Personality Disorder. She needs professional help hands down. Google it. Then run.
 rogue1011
Joined: 7/7/2016
Msg: 21
view profile
History
when splitting happens by the person you love
Posted: 11/24/2016 1:51:27 PM
No do not run. If she has BPD their is no cure but help can be obtained,so she can manage the problems that will arise in her life. DBT used as a therapy base has had a lot of success in treating a lot of disorders. This therapy can help her recognise her trigger points and help her use useful tools to combat her urges etc.
We all have some type of flaw, some more than others. In today's world what is normal. You only find that word on your washing machine.

To change her way of thought pattern only a Psychiatrist or a Psychologist can safety achieve this.
With the right medication it can help alleviate her "splitting or dissociation"
In time all may heal.
 halforhalfnot
Joined: 9/13/2016
Msg: 22
when splitting happens by the person you love
Posted: 11/24/2016 2:41:22 PM
See, I don't get why "psychiatrists" get paid so much. Here we have perfectly good diagnoses based on a few sentences written by a woman's boyfriend. That's good enough for me.
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 23
view profile
History
when splitting happens by the person you love
Posted: 11/24/2016 2:54:43 PM
OP: Is this the same person you were writing about in a previous thread? I would suggest you reread that thread, there were a number of observations and recommendations.



"splitting' by flipping into a very dark mode (black and white thinking) of seeing you/ your actions/ your intentions in the worst possible light.

This isn't 'splitting', this is how she is. She embodies both dynamics - and she is not stable.


It can and often does come up when least expected. I understand that this emanates from unresolved pain and issues in this person's past, and do my best to not take it personally, but it still craters the closeness between us when it happens, and, over time, the fact that it's never if, but when, it will happen again, and I do not know when .... is impairing my own ability to fully trust & connect.


OP this behaviour is completely unacceptable. Yet you tolerate it. Your attempt at compassion, understanding and depersonalization is not going to fix this. Her behaviour is her responsibility. Of course there are times....situations, circumstances...when compassion and understanding are transformative. But this is not that type of situation.
This isn't a 'situation' this is an embedded schema on both your parts. She for some reason needs to 'protest' and you have a need to 'rescue'. This is called a reenactment. As you have identified in another thread....you know very clearly where this comes from on your end.


I've learned that trying to be responsive in a reassuring way... doesn't help (every heartfelt answer or explanation just trips the trigger for the next awful inference/ accusation), and getting pissed off doesn't help (it sends it underground for a while but it eventually comes back, and maybe even worse for having been sent underground and festered). I have considered just bluntly calling bullshit and swiftly detaching from contact when this happens, until the person gets their head back on straight, but this is a person who I love and I know that this is a result of unresolved fear and pain, and I am not at all sure that that degree of hard-line response on my part will really help her/this move past this recurring pattern.


OP, I understand that you think this is love....but I assure...this is not love. When you are loved you are treated with respect, compassion, and most importantly you feel 'SAFE'. My version of love is absolutely not what you are describing between the two of you. As I said earlier, you are two wounded people trying to repair your hurts through reenactments.


I'm sure that some will suggest therapy- and we're already doing that, each as individuals, and with a third couples counselor, all of them highly qualified.


hmmm...well, being 'qualified' doesn't mean they are good(!)
If these therapists were good, there would be some 'movement' in this dynamic.



I welcome thoughts and suggestions from people who have navigated this- and either found ways to change the pattern and get beyond it, or, as well, how and when people have been able to caringly and sound-ly come to the conclusion that the broken-ness that drives this is simply not capable of change to an extent or at a rate that allows a relationship to be sustainable.


I would suggest you consider 'schema therapy' for yourself

I would have a serious discussion with your therapist about the distinction of trying to work through a relationship with someone who has solid INTENTIONS to improve things and the reality of what that person's CAPACITY to change is.

I would encourage you to have a discussion with your therapist about why you have a tendency to 'compartmentalize' (feelings, thoughts, her) vs the capacity to INTEGRATE all of the variables in the situation and determine whether your key 'needs' are being adequately met.
 junipermoon
Joined: 3/1/2006
Msg: 24
view profile
History
when splitting happens by the person you love
Posted: 11/24/2016 4:20:25 PM

She has Borderline Personality Disorder. She needs professional help hands down.


my thoughts exactly. op, get out while you can.

the disorder is nearly impossible for professionals to diagnose. the bpd learns to disguise the condition and only those acquainted with them for years can see what really happens.
 Whatsamattababy
Joined: 5/3/2016
Msg: 25
when splitting happens by the person you love
Posted: 11/24/2016 5:48:56 PM
^ I dunno... I've received the diagnosis numerous times.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > when "splitting" happens by the person you love