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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > "come here-go away" and how to stay the hell away from it      Home login  
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 Scamp_in_VT
Joined: 8/8/2011
Msg: 1
"come here-go away" and how to stay the hell away from itPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I have an uncanny history of ending up in relationships with women where their (women's) prior history has been to put huge amounts of time and emotional effort into noncommittal cads, who they wish and strive to get to connect and settle down into long term relationships or marriages- for which the candidate cads are wholly uninterested in and unqualified for.

I want connection, and am capable of connection, but then these same women (who previously longed for connection with unavailable partners) seem at a certain point, only after I have become invested and committed in and hopeful about the relationship, to switch into repeating cycles of "come here-go away" where they alternating-ly want me to be close and invested- and then they suddenly, just as things are becoming comfortable, hopeful, steady, and close, they distance/ devalue/ see the down-side in everything... only to then want to get close again (come here) only, just as things start getting good again, distance/de-value (go away) again, and repeat and repeat...

My therapist thinks that many of my past partners have had deeply conflicted senses about closeness and vulnerability (which may be hidden from the surface even to themselves), and may have even unwittingly chosen previous highly unavailable partners as (unconsciously) not presenting risks of closeness and vulnerability- but then when presented with the actual prospect of closeness and vulnerability (which they thought they wanted when they were chasing it but could not get it from unavailable partners) - are terrified by it. That is, in some bizarre way, the closest thing to a way to make sense of this as I have been able to find.

I'm not looking for sympathy, but I am looking for suggestions on how to spot, sift and steer clear of people who seem to sincerely and deeply want and long for closeness but freak out and can't handle it when actually presented with the possibility of it.

Thanks (flame suit on for those who can't resist flaming)
 __TEXASCHICK__
Joined: 11/9/2011
Msg: 2
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come here-go away and how to stay the hell away from it
Posted: 11/27/2016 9:02:01 PM
YOU seem to somehow choose these women. or do THEY somehow choose you??

All involved sound fickle.
 2ufo2
Joined: 8/29/2016
Msg: 3
come here-go away and how to stay the hell away from it
Posted: 11/27/2016 9:37:42 PM
Your therapist should be helping you make life changes... not diagnosing your past partners and blaming them for your problem.

Are you looking for someone to rescue? Or trying to prove that you are the exception? That all men aren't like their previous failures? Your experience vaguely sounds like that kind of pattern.

If you find valid then you need to look for a women who doesn't need 'rescuing'.
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 4
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come here-go away and how to stay the hell away from it
Posted: 11/27/2016 10:10:47 PM

2ufo2
Your therapist should be helping you make life changes... not diagnosing your past partners and blaming them for your problem.

Disagree. Strongly. I suffered from depression, and was in therapy for 7 months back in 2009. My therapist talked about anything and everything that I wanted to talk about. One of the subjects we discussed at length was my (at the time) present relationship, and my past relationships. It helped me, tremendously, to be able to verbalize what I thought and felt, and get feedback from someone whose opinion I respected.

YMMV.
 2ufo2
Joined: 8/29/2016
Msg: 5
come here-go away and how to stay the hell away from it
Posted: 11/27/2016 10:28:17 PM
As you say, YMMV.

Therapists also mirror what people say to help someone clarify what they are trying to verbalize.

Perhaps I should have said, 'don't think your therapist has any real opinion about them, he may merely be reflecting what you (the OP) believe'.
 ebolakitty
Joined: 3/19/2016
Msg: 6
come here-go away and how to stay the hell away from it
Posted: 11/27/2016 10:31:53 PM

I am looking for suggestions on how to spot, sift and steer clear of people who seem to sincerely and deeply want and long for closeness but freak out and can't handle it when actually presented with the possibility of it.


Impossible. All people are that way to varying degrees. You are that way too. You just don't notice because you are usually the one with all of his eggs in one basket. If the shoe were on the other foot, you would be posting about "clingy and needy" and making sure that you have urgent business on the weekends. etc. Just the way people are.

No way to avoid it because it is in everyone. The real trick is to make the cycle less dramatic. Try this: Instead of asking her to do more things with you, ask her to do more things for you. Then you get to say, "Thank you Jane (or whoever). You are a life saver." See, women like to feel be useful and appreciated just like you. Passive fawning and adoration is no substitute for genuine appreciation. If you make her feel like a Greek goddess then she will act like a Greek goddess -- aloof and temperamental. If you make her feel vital, involved and valued then she will act that way as well.

In a nutshell, the words a woman wants to hear most are not "I love you" but "Thank you."
 Scamp_in_VT
Joined: 8/8/2011
Msg: 7
come here-go away and how to stay the hell away from it
Posted: 11/27/2016 10:36:57 PM
2ufo2 asked:
"Are you looking for someone to rescue? Or trying to prove that you are the exception? That all men aren't like their previous failures?"

further in my past I did have some observable tendencies to end up with people who were looking to be rescued, and I somehow [at the time, not now, never again] thought it was somehow noble to 'be there' for someone.... but I got over that

but more recently, as in for a number of years now, the women I have ended up in relationships with seem like total "prize" catches- interesting and successful lives, lots to offer [in terms of being interesting, engaging, warm, etc.)- and all that is in fact true, until things go weird and they start pulling the come here-go away thing; I usually try to hang in there hoping that it [come here-go away] is a stage, eventually realize it isn't changing, start to be more assertive in my needing a connection that is not so unpredictable, they claim to acknowledge that it is a problem tendency and they want to change.... but it doesn't change. Then, because there was- and remains- plenty that is good, I don't want to exit, and definitely not exit hastily, but it gets completely wearing to not know where you stand, or where you _will_ stand in a few hours or days...
 xlr8ingme
Joined: 11/2/2016
Msg: 8
come here-go away and how to stay the hell away from it
Posted: 11/27/2016 10:56:41 PM
Let me venture some guesses being my eldest daughter questions some of the same things you do.

You are highly logical, and wish to express sound reasoning for your all of emotions. Do you have a tendency to blame your inner emotions on outside factors you cant control? Why? (my daughter plays the blame game- not that you do)

You have a very high IQ, and an excellent memory.

***My advice to you is to quit trying to micro manage your relationships with others, by trying to make logical sense of every little thing that happens. You will drive yourself batty doing so.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 9
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come here-go away and how to stay the hell away from it
Posted: 11/28/2016 5:09:47 AM
You can't know in advance how people will turn out to be.

In relationships, you have to remain open to walking away when things turn bad. In other words, there's no point at which you can say, yes, she's a catch and this is happily ever after.

You sound as if you want to make this determination early on.

It sounds to me as if you need to learn to be more open ended about your relationships in the beginning, say, for the first year or so.

You really don't know a person very well for the first six moths to a year. You haven't seen everything, warts and all.

And when you start seeing the crazy, don't wait around so long for things to get better again. People are at their best in the beginning. That's because they are able to keep the really bad stuff hidden for a while when all the happy hormones are flowing with a new love. When the crazy comes out, it's here to stay, generally. They don't go back to how things were in the beginning. So, you can stay around for a short time to see if whatever crazy thing happened was a one off, but you don't stay around to see if it happens a THIRD time.

Just because a person has some good qualities, you don't put up with some seriously bad s*** - or at least I wouldn't. Deal breakers are deal breakers for a reason. I mean, you decide what they are for you. We can't know what they might be. But if you suffer because of what she does and want her to change, then I would say, those are deal breakers. It doesn't matter whatever other great qualities she has.

But, no, if you think there's some magic trick for you to learn to figure it out ahead of time, there isn't. You just have to keep your eyes open and walk away when these things become apparent. And, yes, that means you are going to feel some pain at that point. That's just how it is.

And, as matter of fact, if you are ALWAYS attracted to women who turn out to be crazy after a while . . . I would start to tread really lightly whenever I feel that initial kick of excitement, if I were you. I used to be the same way. And I learned that the fact that I WAS that excited about a guy was my first sign that the guy was probably another crazy one. I was drawn to them like a cat to catnip. I still don't know what it was to this day. But many years of good therapy finally cured me of it, and I ended up being attracted to a great, healthy guy, and am now happily married.
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 10
come here-go away and how to stay the hell away from it
Posted: 11/28/2016 5:29:46 AM
All of your threads fault the women.
What can we possibly tell you that your therapist hasn't already?
Sorry, I am not buying you don't know "crazy" when you see it, do you like the idea of being in control of these women?
 gotahubcapdiamondstarhalo
Joined: 9/21/2016
Msg: 11
come here-go away and how to stay the hell away from it
Posted: 11/28/2016 7:03:06 AM
First, you only have the GF's word on what their ex-BF's were (non-committal cads).

Second, you seem to go out of your way to find partners who enable YOU to create a familiar pattern of a fawked up relationship, which seems to be the type with which you are most comfortable.

When the payoff for a healthy relationship is greater than all these massively screwed up ones, you will go there.

Until then, maybe it is you with the commitment issues, yes?

Women you pick just a convenient scapegoat.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 12
come here-go away and how to stay the hell away from it
Posted: 11/28/2016 8:05:24 AM

...seem to sincerely and deeply want and long for closeness but freak out and can't handle it when actually presented with the possibility of it.


The first question I have is, how long have you been dating these women before wanting some sort of long term commitment and beyond with them? Are you proposing to them after the second or third date? Maybe they are in not in such a hurry and mad rush to get to the next step as you are, and prefer to get to know you first. This reminds me of profiles I see, where the Intent is "Looking for someone to marry." I steer clear of those, because dates would become interviews and tests, with marriage to follow soon afterwards with the candidate who has the highest test score. Not wanting to go to steps 2, 3, 4 and beyond at your pace doesn't mean they are not good matches. It just means they have different ideas about the pace of getting to those various stages. If this has happened to you on a few occasions, there is one common denominator, and it's not the women.
 2ufo2
Joined: 8/29/2016
Msg: 13
come here-go away and how to stay the hell away from it
Posted: 11/28/2016 8:08:00 AM
It's good that you've seen the decline of your rescue tendencies.

My other suggestion is perhaps you are an analytic person - perhaps too analytic to know how to react to their emotional side. Without acknowledging emotions, there might be a tendency to withdraw from a (perceived) unsympathetic partner during times of stress. People need to have their emotions acknowledged and validated. You don't have to 'rescue' someone, but you might need to lend a listening ear. Simply listen (without offer 'solutions' unless they ask).

Other than that, I can't offer any other suggestions but I'm sure what answers you receive here will give you plenty of thought.
 moonbeamlover1
Joined: 11/10/2016
Msg: 14
come here-go away and how to stay the hell away from it
Posted: 11/28/2016 8:10:09 AM
OP it is interesting how you initiate your post with a somewhat judgmental comment about all these women picking noncommittal unavailable cads, but yet YOU pick all these damaged noncommittal women.

best book I ever read for understanding ones own internal reasoning for what we find comfortable enough to choose is Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends.

There is a chapter on dynamics and why we behave the way we do... and what a lot of people assume is their own personality it turns out is a self protective behavior we learn to adapt.. and then it takes on s life if it's own. someone needing needed finds the damsel... the giver the taker... the over responsible lands the helpless needing helped.. and then both people resent which side on the divide they are at.

Figuring out what it is those self protective behaviors are trying to compensate for and becoming more healthy in dynamics help s ton to not fall into those traps that rarely have a happy ending.. but more importantly they help us understand ourselves and our own actual needs and communication... rather than living a programmed role we may no longer need. it's an incredible book but that chapter was one of the most powerful things I have ever read. check it out ;)
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 15
but when its good....its really really good
Posted: 11/28/2016 9:32:09 AM
As others have pointed out, the relationship you have with these cads, isn't different from the relationship they have with their cads. They put out a good front, everyone's sure they are a catch. Perhaps they grew up insecure, and they try so hard to look good. But when its time to do something as simple as open up and expose themselves to someone else...either they realize they have nothing inside to share, so they don't share it, or they are so scared of being hurt (maybe their parents were hot and cold) that they put up the wall. Sometimes a person is a success not b/c they naturally seek out the best, but b/c their life was so bad they're not comfortable in their own skin, and so they excel to make up for what they are afraid they lack. Sometimes, we know we have a dark hole and we try to fill it with everything we can, including piling up relationships as proof of our value.

sometimes we don't want to change the foundation we've built our identity on--we just want to change the pain that results from it. But we can't undo the destruction until we undo what causes it. The double edged sword is when we're attractive, physically and socially. If we can replace one unhappy partner with the next stranger thinking we are the answer to their lonliness or other issues, then what's really broken in our life? we can just run from one person wanting to love us to the next person wanting to love us. We can't duck the destruction we leave in our wake, but we can run from it into the arms of the next victim...until it catches up and off we run to the next one.

the world is full of victims looking to make themselves feel better by winning over the unwinnable winner. No one wants the distant loser, but the distant winner? they must just be too busy to notice us, if only we made ourselves known by investing in them, they will be amazed by us and they will change just for us, and we'll finally know we're that awesome. And then we'll look for the exit, see if we can find the next amazing cad to win over.
 ThatGirlNamedAlli
Joined: 12/28/2013
Msg: 16
but when its good....its really really good
Posted: 11/28/2016 9:47:55 AM
I think after a certain age or stage of growth you need to ditch the starry-eyed romantic notion of "if you love them go after them" or whatever variation, that the movies teach.

No, if they're flakes, they're flakes. I'm not chasing or saving anyone.
 imanorangetiger
Joined: 12/29/2011
Msg: 17
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but when its good....its really really good
Posted: 11/28/2016 11:19:12 AM
Ask your therapist to explain about insecure attachment types and their relevance to your relationships. I don't know enough about you or about the women you're dating but clearly, something is awry.

Don't enable this hot and cold behaviour. It will get worse if you do. I've been there, done that and ended up buying several hundred (very real, not figurative) t shirts in the process.
 moonbeamlover1
Joined: 11/10/2016
Msg: 18
but when its good....its really really good
Posted: 11/28/2016 12:26:45 PM
^^^ yours is more practical. I buy a whole whole lotta really tall shoes after mine.( though I won't answer to exactly how many lol)
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 19
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come here-go away and how to stay the hell away from it
Posted: 11/28/2016 12:34:42 PM
As many will clearly see, it's you who are picking to be with these women, are you suggesting that your therapists has no clue as to why you do this, and instead is trying to work out why these women have issues?
 Tempered_Soul
Joined: 10/18/2013
Msg: 20
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come here-go away and how to stay the hell away from it
Posted: 11/28/2016 2:06:52 PM
They have unresolved issues. Tell them to seek help or you're gone.

There. I saved you a bill from your therapist.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 21
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come here-go away and how to stay the hell away from it
Posted: 11/28/2016 5:56:49 PM
For the sake of offering another possible analysis, I want to go back to the beginning, and take another approach to what's been presented here.

The main thing I notice, is that everyone including you, Scamp_in_VT, is jumping right past the immediate facts of the various situations, and are going directly to a discussion and analysis of the CONCLUSIONS you have drawn about the women in question.

You are convinced, and you have convinced your therapist and everyone else, that all of the women are playing a "come-here, no-go-away" game with you.

As a professional problem solver, I learned long ago, that the best way to approach a problem that has been bedeviling someone as much as this one has done, is to go back to the beginning and re-diagnose things.

What you actually have with each woman, is a collection of behaviors, responses, and conversations. You have CONCLUDED that each behavior or action is a message saying either "come closer and commit," or "go away I'm afraid of too much intimacy."

It is POSSIBLE that you have misunderstood the individual actions and communications.

It is possible that how you conduct yourself during your dates, may be triggering both responses by the women involved. I've seen instances myself, where the target person was looking for the next step to be taken in a developing relationship, but the prospective mate took the WRONG step. Result, the target person pulled back their "invitation," to reassess. But they were still interested, and so stayed in touch, and encouraged another attempt. That give the APPEARANCE of "c'mere c'mere, getaway getaway" behavior, but is instead just a lot of miscommunication.

This can also happen, where two people who are looking for different KINDS of committed relationships try to get together. One may want a Total Devotion scenario, while the other wants more of a Parallel Lives linkup. If each are attracted to each other, and want to try to get the relationship they want, a lot of push-pull events may occur.
 ryuoki
Joined: 11/15/2013
Msg: 22
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come here-go away and how to stay the hell away from it
Posted: 11/28/2016 6:53:45 PM
Not reading through every single post, not enough time. But if you are seeing a pattern from different women each time, maybe it isn't them. Perhaps it is you, the common denominator in all of these relationships.
 LLBean990
Joined: 11/19/2016
Msg: 23
come here-go away and how to stay the hell away from it
Posted: 11/28/2016 7:33:06 PM
Read the book " Attached" by Amir Levine, M.D.

Everyone has an attachment style: Secure, Anxious, or Avoidant. This will give you great insight as to what your attachment style is, how you come across to people, who you seem to gravitate to and why. It has helped me tremendously.

Best wishes...

LL
 aintnodeal
Joined: 4/10/2016
Msg: 24
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come here-go away and how to stay the hell away from it
Posted: 11/28/2016 8:23:59 PM

It helped me, tremendously, to be able to verbalize what I thought and felt, and get feedback from someone whose opinion I respected.
The most valuable part is to be able to speak what you think without immediate judgement or consequences. You get a chance to write your own story about your condition and how to resolve it. I was disappoined with counselors/therapists because they didn't make active suggestions on what to do - - they just did a lot of head nodding, which I found useless. For me, a discussion group was much better because I could see how each person told their own story and attempted to find a path to stability. I say STABILITY, because imbalance creates uncertainty on how to approach any situation.

The same is true for OP's situation. He "sees" an imbalance of behavior and actions and wants to avoid all of uncertainty. I've seen certain cycles in my relationships, too. I've learned to recognized them, but what I still fail at is avoiding the very same HUGE pitfall I always make - and it IS A RESCUE behavior. I slap myself upside the head every time ( "I've done it again!") and I have realized the last few rounds precisely that I'm doing the same thing and wishing for a different result.

Am I an idiot, or do emotions really overrule the logical brain every time?!?
 imanorangetiger
Joined: 12/29/2011
Msg: 25
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come here-go away and how to stay the hell away from it
Posted: 11/29/2016 3:28:28 AM

I was disappoined with counselors/therapists because they didn't make active suggestions on what to do


They wouldn't be very ethical therapists if they did. Their job is to leave you feeling aware and empowered enough to come up with your own ideas and to act upon them. Or not to; it's always your choice. A good therapist will have you leaving each session thinking "hmm... I'll reflect on that" after seeing something in yourself that you hadn't seen before.

Unless we are aware of our own attachment type, we are often condemned to repeat the same behaviours in relationship. Break the cycle and there are chances to make changes.
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