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 400speedfilm
Joined: 10/15/2016
Msg: 1
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How do I keep messaging alive?Page 1 of 1    
To start off I am not whining or complaining, I am just asking for advice on this topic.

This topic really puzzles me. I have read multiple posts on here and the general answer seems to be to read the profile thoroughly and find interests to talk about on there. Logically this does make sense but in reality, when I do this they just go ‘poof’.

Literally, I once asked a girl what type of music she liked? That was the end of the conversation. Also, one-hundred percent of the time I have to lead the conversation which is extremely stressful. For example, if I see they like movies, I will ask “what type of movies do you like”, there answer will be “comedies, and thrillers”. That is all they will say. What do I do with that to keep it interesting? I will say what I like, or more specifically what movies they like, than ‘poof’.

On the flip side, I have tried to make things more interesting, by asking how has their experience been like on here (since that is something we share in common). That is ALWAYS a conversation killer.

So, if am I too boring, they go ‘poof’ and if I am too spicy they go ‘poof’. So, any tips on a neutral ground here?
 gcdeb
Joined: 4/1/2015
Msg: 2
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How do I keep messaging alive?
Posted: 1/2/2017 10:32:08 PM

I have tried to make things more interesting, by asking how has their experience been like on here (since that is something we share in common). That is ALWAYS a conversation killer.
Then why do you keep doing it? I 100% never answer that question. I have no desire to speak to a potential date about previous dates/experiences on here. What do you want her to say? "I've had a dozen dates, some have been really fantastic" or "had a date last weekend with a wonderful guy but decided I didn't want to proceed" or "slept with a few guys but they never called back"... how does whatever reply she gives you help you progress?


Also, one-hundred percent of the time I have to lead the conversation which is extremely stressful.
If this is so stressful then online dating may not be the right vehicle for you. Why is it so stressful? You don't even know the other person and likely never will. Most messages aren't answered. Most conversations that do get going don't go further than 3-4 messages. Most end with no explanation. Why do you *want* to keep talking to someone who can't be bothered to reply enthusiastically? If that's how the carry on a conversation in real life would you want a second date even?

Send a message, then move on. If the reply positively, send a second message. If they aren't showing enthusiasm, let it go. Whenever I send a message, I immediately delete it from my Sent Messages and never give it a second thought.
 400speedfilm
Joined: 10/15/2016
Msg: 3
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How do I keep messaging alive?
Posted: 1/2/2017 11:00:33 PM
Thanks, for your response. That is a very valid point about the ‘conversation killer’, I never really thought about how they would respond. I will defiantly never ask that again.

As for the second point that is also valid, they should show some enthusiasm in keeping the conversation afloat, if not move on. Conversations should be 50/50 (or close to it).

Thanks for your help.
 400speedfilm
Joined: 10/15/2016
Msg: 4
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How do I keep messaging alive?
Posted: 1/2/2017 11:01:19 PM
Another thing I want to add as well, that is a potential conversation killer (for anyone else that has found this). I once talked to this girl for about three hours, had loads in common. Probably one of the best conversations I ever had. I asked, and this is taken word for word from the message, has not been altered “I find you to be very interesting, maybe we should meet up or talk on the phone at some point?”. That was the end, though I have suspicions it was a fake profile.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 10/31/2015
Msg: 5
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How do I keep messaging alive?
Posted: 1/2/2017 11:10:06 PM
Keep in mind that texting each other is not remotely the same as talking face to face. I would barely even call it a 'conversation'. It's like comparing a digital phone call to Morse code dots and dashes. People give and take information at a snail's pace, and often one or both cannot sustain their attention (or patience) beyond a few messages.

Asking for a phone number (or even a date) could be prudent with some, or feel 'pushy' with others - the wild part is that you really won't know until you try - so you gotta try eventually to move ahead - but, just expect failure more often than not.
 PollyR107
Joined: 4/8/2016
Msg: 6
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How do I keep messaging alive?
Posted: 1/3/2017 10:31:33 AM
OP, you have my sympathy. I'm one of those girls who'll just "poof" if the guy can't hold the conversation interesting enough.

You can use her answer to further your questions, i.e. if the answer is about comedy or thriller movies, just ask her which one(s) are her favourite and get her talk about it. Alternatively, you can tell her about your interests or hobbies or places you've been and ask her about them. You might find more info than appeared on her profile. Most people don't put everything on display for the public to see.

If you can't really find any common interests to talk about, maybe you two just aren't compatible?
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 7
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How do I keep messaging alive?
Posted: 1/3/2017 10:36:25 AM
If she disappeared after you asked to talk on the phone or meet, it means she didn't want to talk on the phone or meet for whatever reason.

Maybe she was underage, or a guy, or married, or had otherwise misrepresented herself. In any event, she was not available for anything other than online chat. Your attempt to move it forward killed it.

Not your fault. There are many people like that on here. Surely you know this.
 jentress
Joined: 12/1/2015
Msg: 8
How do I keep messaging alive?
Posted: 1/3/2017 10:46:31 AM
Totally agreed with Lili! There are SO MANY fake profiles, you just have to figure out how to filter through them. AND one or two messages via text, establish reality, then suggest a phone call. If POOF happens, then you're better off. I'll text a little bit, then suggest exchanging numbers. I NEVER call the guy, though. I allow him to call me; I'm just getting his number so that I'll recognize it and actually answer it when he calls.
Happy Fishing!
 VikingHoosier
Joined: 5/8/2015
Msg: 9
How do I keep messaging alive?
Posted: 1/3/2017 1:08:01 PM
You already got your answer why it's not good to ask about their experience on dating sites. Recently a gal sent me a message (several days and perhaps a dozen messages on each side into the conversation) "Do you date much?" Ugh! Made the conversation *less* interesting.

And as already said, it's good (at the appropriate point) to bring up the idea of exchanging phone numbers or meeting. When they disappear, you can be glad you didn't waste any more time with messages on the site. In this case, you don't want to keep messaging alive!

Asking about interests is typically not a good idea in my opinion. If you ask about something obvious in a profile, others probably have asked the same thing, so you don't stand out, and worse, you might remind them of a bad experience involving someone who asked the same thing. Answering about an interest can be a chore, for example what books / movies / music someone likes. They can easily ignore such questions or give a dead end response.

Asking about an interest can sound like cut and paste spam: "I see you like XYZ. I like XYZ too. When was the last time you did XYZ?" They might use the same formula in hundreds of messages, pasting in a specific XYZ from a profile.

Think positively about leading the conversation. You can steer things the way you'd like as opposed to being on defense.

A great poster on here used to say have a great profile, then all you need for your messages is they don't suck. This section has many threads about messages; his line is relevant for most (all?) of those threads.

With so many people on phones and seeing messages instantly, messages have become shorter with less turnaround time. Profile text has become smaller, so messages related to a profile are less likely. A short question or observation about a photo can be good. Though photos have gotten worse too: mirror selfies, group shots, dull travel photos, etc.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 10
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How do I keep messaging alive?
Posted: 1/3/2017 2:05:36 PM
The best advice I can give is to be yourself. Unless you plan on a major overhaul and the ability to become that person you made up, you will have to be yourself at some point, so it's easier to just start off that way. If that runs off anyone, that means you weren't going to be compatible, which is what most people are looking for, someone compatible. So don't waste your time trying to figure out the ones that disappeared, and keep looking for those who are interested in meeting you.
 400speedfilm
Joined: 10/15/2016
Msg: 11
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How do I keep messaging alive?
Posted: 1/3/2017 4:50:35 PM
Thanks, everyone on here for your insight and help, it will defiantly come in handy for future messages.
 Peppermint_Petunias
Joined: 3/30/2012
Msg: 12
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How do I keep messaging alive?
Posted: 1/4/2017 2:37:30 PM
As said, they don't want to talk to you.
Its the pics. Oh yeah, Sonny Crockett called and wants his * vogue* back.
 Peppermint_Petunias
Joined: 3/30/2012
Msg: 13
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How do I keep messaging alive?
Posted: 1/5/2017 1:56:43 AM
While your line up of pics has improved since yesterday ( not as gay)
You need a flattering main. Those 2 head shots you added are simply Twilight ghoulish.

Use the one in the cap or on the bike until you can get a good close up.
Lose the others.
You can tell you are attractive and at least look fun in those 2 pics.
Im still getting a pink and green vibe from Miami Vice with your coat over the shoulder thing.


An attitude, thus judgment comes across in a pic more than you know.
 400speedfilm
Joined: 10/15/2016
Msg: 14
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How do I keep messaging alive?
Posted: 1/5/2017 4:09:52 AM
I find that the indoor headshots are tricky, if I do smile I look goofy, if I do not smile I look mad. I have been told the red hat one is good in the past. This summer I will have to take many more outdoor activity photos, I have heard they are the 'gold standard'.
 Peppermint_Petunias
Joined: 3/30/2012
Msg: 15
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How do I keep messaging alive?
Posted: 1/5/2017 8:33:36 AM
^^^^^Yes, esp with mens photos.
You appear more vigorous (thus sexy) and FUN
Girls just want to have fu un, oh oh girls just wanna, just wanna ..know you can be fun.

Good change and good luck to you.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 16
How do I keep messaging alive?
Posted: 1/5/2017 10:06:57 AM

This summer I will have to take many more outdoor activity photos, I have heard they are the 'gold standard'.


Just a couple helpful(maybe) hints on the outdoor pics.

Don't include any of them with you holding a fish, even if you are letting it go, afterwards. Women assume you bonk them, and they don't like killers.

Don't include any of them with you sipping your favourite drink(mine would be whiskey). Something about overindulgence and other bullshiat.

And for God's sake, never put pics up of you enjoying your favourite sexual positions. I still haven't figured out the problem with that one yet.
 gotahubcapdiamondstarhalo
Joined: 9/21/2016
Msg: 17
How do I keep messaging alive?
Posted: 1/5/2017 12:40:32 PM
Walts forgot to mention, leave out pics of you with another woman. Just makes a lot of gals think "this guy is looking for a 3some."

Of course, Walts is still 2 gals short of that.

Also, why do you ask them such vague, open-ended questions?

Get in the habit of offering something about yourself.

Say something like ...
I just saw Gone with the Wind. I really like Clark Gable. Next week, I plan to go see rhinestone Cowboy. Have you seen that yet?

Take charge of the convo and ask the kind of questions that can lead to a meet.

Not "What is your favorite band?" Ask about a local band, and mention where they are playing. After a couple of messages, ask her out to a specific event. Don't waste their time with chit chat.
 Peppermint_Petunias
Joined: 3/30/2012
Msg: 18
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How do I keep messaging alive?
Posted: 1/5/2017 2:20:17 PM
^^^^I would have thought binge watching Miami Vice
Ditto on questions that lead to a meet after intro convo.

Walts, if you have some rum and grapefruit juice, I'll let you THINK I will.
 drivingharmony2
Joined: 1/2/2017
Msg: 19
How do I keep messaging alive?
Posted: 1/6/2017 12:03:31 AM
I am with DaynaDaze, just continue to be yourself. At least you are having some sort of conversation. If a woman goes "poof" then she was not worth your time, move on. Now, maybe your spice is a little too much for some women to handle...? And maybe you should leave the spice for a time after you have met.

And as others have noted, don't ask about her online dating experiences at the initial conversation because the answer might be similar to your experience.....I think many people don't like the fact they are doing online dating, or doing it for an extended period of time so would rather not discuss it .....especially at early stages of conversation. (IMO)
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 20
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How do I keep messaging alive?
Posted: 1/6/2017 3:09:24 AM
All your pictures are bad and you need to smile and take shots without the sunglasses.
all this messaging is a waste of time. Get their number, hear their voice. arrange to meet. If they dont want to do that, move on. If a girl really finds your pictures and stats interesting she will make an effort to communicate. Otherwise she just clicks next..... if you find it all stressful then you need to get out in the real world where you know what you are dealing with.

 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 21
How do I keep messaging alive?
Posted: 1/6/2017 10:45:45 AM

if you find it all stressful then you need to get out in the real world where you know what you are dealing with.


Is that because there is no stress in the real world?
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