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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Why did he ghost me? Cowards way out?      Home login  
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 sarahlouise2412
Joined: 12/19/2012
Msg: 1
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Why did he ghost me? Cowards way out?Page 1 of 13    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)
I met someone in September and within a few weeks we were a couple.
He told me he never felt this way so early etc and I was a keeper etc.
Had great dates,loads of laughs.
Fast forward a week before Christmas he stopped texting as much and within 3 days he was gone.
Wouldn't reply to texts or calls,but kept me on Facebook and snapchat and viewing my snapchat posts.
No merry Christmas or HNY but I sent him a message that he read and ignored.
A few days after new year I messaged asking what I did? He replied saying nothing,it was him he had things going on,I said take care..no reply.
Still kept viewing my snapchats.
Two days ago he removed me off snapchat and I quickly deleted him from Facebook.
Within 24 hours I clicked his profile and he is in a relationship with a girl who lives from his area.
I Live a hour away.
That's the reason I was dumped.
Red flags -history of short term relationships then quickly moves on.
Told me he cheated on mother of his child 8 years ago but regreted it.
I don't understand what I did wrong?he went in a space of days from walking round Christmas markets holding hands/talking about NYE to cutting me off and starting with someone else.
She must of been on his radar ...
Why?
Why did he treat me so poor ?
 sarahlouise2412
Joined: 12/19/2012
Msg: 2
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Why did he ghost me? Cowards way out?
Posted: 1/21/2017 9:32:45 AM
Up until the 12th December he text and rang daily,sweet morning messages and snapchats.
Even 3 days before he was saying I was quiet and was I ok ..I asked him if he wanted to continue this when he started being distant and he said of course and did I think if he wasn't into it he would still be contacting me.
 Maria11418
Joined: 12/15/2016
Msg: 3
Why did he ghost me? Cowards way out?
Posted: 1/21/2017 9:34:06 AM
Dear OP,

I read your post very carefully. I used to ask myself questions like that about the scumbags I had feelings for, who treated me like crap. Why? What did I do? Until I met an actual gentleman and a man of his word. Our acquaintance actually went nowhere because he was from across the country (and there were no promises and not much physically) but I got to compare a real man to the scumbags. A real man treats women with respect and kindness and takes responsibility, scumbags don't, end of story.
 IReallyShouldnt
Joined: 9/6/2016
Msg: 4
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Why did he ghost me? Cowards way out?
Posted: 1/21/2017 9:41:34 AM
Yes, coward's way out. Sorry, this happens to some people either after being a couple for one day, one month, one year, or even after 20 years.

Now, try and dust off the sadness and get back out there and find someone better! I know... easy for a stranger to tell you, but this stranger has her own history with this type of coward. Relationship cowards can be young, older, man or a woman. Some people don't know how to be honest when ending a relationship.
 sarahlouise2412
Joined: 12/19/2012
Msg: 5
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Why did he ghost me? Cowards way out?
Posted: 1/21/2017 9:44:26 AM
I couldn't and still can't figure out how his feelings pretty much changed over night.
He had no respect for much which was very disappointing.
I think it was very sneaky
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 6
Why did he ghost me? Cowards way out?
Posted: 1/21/2017 9:48:34 AM
Sorry to hear he left you. Well, it was only about three months that he dated you. While I know it was serious - you really don't know if it's going to last until you've been together a year or two.

He was either crazy or just not that into you. Him having a series of short term relationships suggests the later.

As far as cutting contact with you, that's the smart thing to do - although it's painful. Why stick around when you know it's over? Also, hanging around only invites strife and further rejection.

It's best to move on and find another. Plenty of fish in the sea.
 sarahlouise2412
Joined: 12/19/2012
Msg: 7
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Why did he ghost me? Cowards way out?
Posted: 1/21/2017 10:05:00 AM
I think the most confusing thing for me was that he seemed into me.
Texting all the time,seemed happy around me,holding my hands,seeming interested.
It was probably only since December he started being a bit distant ..around the same time he was liking her pictures on Facebook.
I'm wondering how it happened ..did he start messaging her or her him.
What she has that I don't etc etc
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 8
Why did he ghost me? Cowards way out?
Posted: 1/21/2017 10:18:17 AM

Plenty of fish in the sea.


But the rising mercury level does present a problem.
 IReallyShouldnt
Joined: 9/6/2016
Msg: 9
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Why did he ghost me? Cowards way out?
Posted: 1/21/2017 10:21:22 AM

What she has that I don't etc etc


She has him... for now. You probably will never know the "why". What's healthy is to move on.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 10
Why did he ghost me? Cowards way out?
Posted: 1/21/2017 10:22:34 AM

I couldn't and still can't figure out how his feelings pretty much changed over night.


Perceived and/or assumed feelings.

People, can, and will use all kinds of ways to get things that they want. It seems, that nowadays, we should be not only expecting it, but, also "practising" such tactics. It works if you are the one "getting" but, it doesn't work if you are on the other side of the equation. Again, you don't have to look far to see that's the way things are going to be nowadays.

You seem to be looking for "reasons" or an "explanation", though, from your experiences with this guy, do you really need to hear "stuff" from him???? You have his actions alone to understand that it doesn't really matter in the big picture of things.

We, over here, have no idea what was in his head while he did what he did, or what he does. It was him doing it, for whatever reasons/excuses only he can come up with.
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 11
Why did he ghost me? Cowards way out?
Posted: 1/21/2017 10:31:52 AM
He was probably into you in the beginning but then as he got to know you, he fell out of love with you because you two were not a match. Only when love hits rock bottom do you see the signs, and at that point, they are ready to move on soon.

She does not have anything you don't have. Just because you are not desirable to him does not mean you're not desirable. You'll find your match.
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 12
Why did he ghost me? Cowards way out?
Posted: 1/21/2017 10:45:56 AM
saralouise,
First things first.
We don't know why.
We can only guess, just like you.

Last, but not least.
No explanation in the world will change the outcome, of this romance.
Any failed relationship, gives one opportunities to learn, grow, and sets you free.
Let it go, let him go, tomorrow is another day. Move forward.
 Butterchickenchuck
Joined: 9/18/2015
Msg: 13
Why did he ghost me? Cowards way out?
Posted: 1/21/2017 10:54:53 AM
What you need to focus on now is how he ended it with a complete lack of class.

I don't care how " good " things used to be, the bottom line is he revealed himself in the end and THAT is what should matter most to you.

Is this the kind of guy you want to be with ?

If your self esteem is healthy, the answer should be :

NO !
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 14
Why did he ghost me? Cowards way out?
Posted: 1/21/2017 10:56:38 AM
OP: What could the guy say to you that would make you say: "I fully understand now why you are dumping me and choosing her instead. Good luck with your new relationship." I got a feeling the answer is there's nothing he could say that would make you feel better. So what's the point of wanting to contact him or him contacting you? Is it just to get revenge by telling him off and saying he's making a big mistake?
 sarahlouise2412
Joined: 12/19/2012
Msg: 15
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Why did he ghost me? Cowards way out?
Posted: 1/21/2017 11:03:04 AM
I would of preferred him to actually end it rather than just disappearing.
He left me confused and blaming myself,yes if he had told me he didn't want to be with me anymore i won't lie I would of been hurt but for him to just dissapear after 4 months of talking daily and 3 months seeing each other I found it to be very heartless,especially a few days before my birthday/Christmas.
I'm the type of person even after a date I will send them a message.
He isn't the person I thought he was,which is a shame.
I would never send him a message now asking why etc,I wouldn't lower myself.
No he isn't the type of person I want a relationship with,I'm upset that he wasn't who I thought he was.
 PollyR107
Joined: 4/8/2016
Msg: 16
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Why did he ghost me? Cowards way out?
Posted: 1/21/2017 11:13:20 AM
OP, give yourself time to feel upset and move on. A lot of folks do this, men or women.

I've stopped wondering why some people behave the way they do. Accept that this is what he chose to do. He's not relationship material and now some woman's problem.

You've dodged a bullet. I agree that you should cut all contacts. He's not worth your time and energy. Best of luck next time round.
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 17
Why did he ghost me? Cowards way out?
Posted: 1/21/2017 11:17:03 AM

Red flags -history of short term relationships then quickly moves on.


Told me he cheated on mother of his child 8 years ago but regreted it.


So, he told you he had a history of short term relationships and moving on quickly, as well as cheating?

And still you forged ahead fearlessly?

Thinking things would be different with you?


I don't understand what I did wrong?


Dismissing the red flags waving prominently?


Why did he treat me so poor ?


See "red flags" above.
 IReallyShouldnt
Joined: 9/6/2016
Msg: 18
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Why did he ghost me? Cowards way out?
Posted: 1/21/2017 11:21:49 AM

I would of preferred him to actually end it rather than just disappearing.


No, the hurt would still be there for you if he fessed up and ended it.

I lived with my "soul mate" for 18 years. He literally gave me no notice that he was leaving me. Didn't find out for a few months that is was because of someone else. So, yeah, it can and will hurt for a while.

You know what I did after shaking off the hurt? I dated. A lot. It helped.

Now, you are young and there is a big world out there! Go chase your dreams. We here on this forum don't know you - ask your besties to listen to you and maybe lend a shoulder to cry on.

Good luck!
 sarahlouise2412
Joined: 12/19/2012
Msg: 19
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Why did he ghost me? Cowards way out?
Posted: 1/21/2017 11:22:39 AM
He told me about the cheating and said it was a massive mistake and I only found out about the short relationships after I was looking at his Facebook.
I did from the start have a niggling gut feeling that maybe something about him was off but talked myself out of it.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 20
Why did he ghost me? Cowards way out?
Posted: 1/21/2017 12:52:12 PM

You know what I did after shaking off the hurt? I dated. A lot.


Hmmmmm.

Maybe I should tried that one.

I went fishing.

15 years later, starting to date again, entered my head.

No wonder I'm phucked now.

Not really(at all) but, ya know what I mean.
 Nestaron
Joined: 3/22/2016
Msg: 21
Why did he ghost me? Cowards way out?
Posted: 1/21/2017 1:22:12 PM
OP what you just found out is he is what the real meaning of "player" is that is what they do. They get their interests to invest time, effort, emotions and move on when they feel it will do most damage to the victim. That is all he was a real player in every meaning of the word not the one who claims to be but one who is. Do not mistake that person as being a coward they are not what he did was done with intent and purpose was thought out and executed effectively to damage you which obviously it did. Let it go and move on dont ever dwell think about or feel anything about these type of people or you allow them to win and continue damaging you.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 22
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Why did he ghost me? Cowards way out?
Posted: 1/21/2017 3:47:33 PM
I think Nestaron is close to it.

Not a coward. That term only rarely applies to anyone.

What your recitation of events reminds me of, are a kind of person I have been unfortunate to have run across several times, fortunately only falling in love with one of them. These people are not "players" in the most common sense of that word, that is, they are not craftily setting out to deceive you from the start. They are instead, "players" in a more direct sense: they are true ACTORS; only in this case, they are acting out their own entire lives.

The people who do this, are very good at fooling everyone, because there is no real person behind the acting. One hundred percent of everything they do, is an act.

It is an actual personality disorder, though I don't know the name for it. It might be related to Borderline Personality Disorder.

The person who I had the misfortune to be involved with, just as your fellow did, appeared to be as totally in love with me, as I actually was with her....until suddenly over a short period of time, she suddenly "switched scripts." It took me decades to completely understand, but in looking back, what happened, was that she stumbled across a new and more involving "story line" for her to play the leading role in.

In my case, she tried at first to fit me into her new "series" by rewriting my character, but that was a disaster all around. Finally I was rewritten as a long-lost tragic lover, she married some poor slob on the West Coast, had at least one child, divorced, and then I lost track of her.

It would do you no good at all to try to force such a person to explain themselves, or to tell you "what you did wrong," because they wont know. They are NEVER involved in the real world to begin with.

You did NOTHING wrong, save to have been unaware that you were playing a part in a drama that you thought was real life.

Just be grateful that your mess didn't go any further.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 23
well, he told you he was a coward in the past...so, yeah
Posted: 1/21/2017 5:11:31 PM
The candle that burns twice as bright, tends to last half as long.

He has a history of short terms like your's, cheated on the mother of his child, was looking for someone else before letting go of you, it was before the holidays where no one wants to be alone and deal with questions from the family....the only part you had in this coming to its inevitable end, was ignoring the red flags. Otherwise you get to blame him. But still...you want to learn a lesson in tuning your man-picking radar...
 __TEXASCHICK__
Joined: 11/9/2011
Msg: 24
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Why did he ghost me? Cowards way out?
Posted: 1/21/2017 6:10:19 PM
I met a man from her on POF in Feb/2015. Relationship from git go. Fast fwd some 10 months, we were engaged, I had met his family out of state.
Then i was noting that there was a lot of attention from his ex to him on FB, i ask about it,,,said i was reading to much into it. The attention cont, i ask again, was blown off answer, The few things at my home were suddenly gone,,,he gosted to his farm house.,,so i called off engagement. AND,, two days later, he is "in a relationship" w/ her.
 knowledgeNIgnorance
Joined: 8/23/2015
Msg: 25
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Why did he ghost me? Cowards way out?
Posted: 1/22/2017 4:59:30 AM

Why did he treat me so poor ?

Because he is a flawed human being

Other posters have given an indication of his makeup.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to forgive him for his flaws and be thankful you don't have to deal with them any more



I'm upset that he wasn't who I thought he was.


It may be harder but you will do yourself a favour by forgiving yourself for making a mistake in judgement.



He told me about the cheating and said it was a massive mistake and I only found out about the short relationships after I was looking at his Facebook.
I did from the start have a niggling gut feeling that maybe something about him was off but talked myself out of it.


It is amazing to experience flawed characters such as has been described in this thread and experience the sincerity with which they can bold face lie to you. Some times they are aware they are lying to you other times they are lying to themselves as well.

In the end we don't trust other people we trust our judgement of other people.
After your experience you may be inclined to have less confidence in your own judgement and become a bit over sensitive to being lied to and cheated on again.
But I think with a bit of quiet reflection you will find you can learn from the experience and have good reason to have more confidence in your abilities in the future.
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