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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > If a guy talks about sex a lot with you is that ALL he's looking for      Home login  
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 LittleDreamGirl
Joined: 4/27/2016
Msg: 1
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If a guy talks about sex a lot with you is that ALL he's looking for with you?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
OK, I realize there are many different types of men out there; hence why I am asking this question. I have recently reconnected with someone I dated briefly a while back (all his initiative). We have been messaging more frequently in the past month or so. We talk about a variety of things, but not to any great depth. And inevitably the conversation always turns to playful sexual flirting and banter. Part of the reason for this is when we dated we were extremely physically attracted to each other, and still are.

I actually quite enjoy the sexual talk BUT it IS bothering me that there is not equal air time devoted to other topics in great depth. We touch on stuff like how his/ my job is going, how our pets are, etc. We joke around a lot as well, but fairly superficial stuff. This week he invited me out to a movie and we saw each other for the first time in many months. It was a pleasant evening. We've chatted every day since but eventually it always ends up with sex chat. I don't know if he will invite me out again soon. I think we are both being careful and not rushing back into it since it didn't work last time.

I'm relatively new to online dating and find it is a completely different animal from traditional dating. In the past I would spend time with a guy, we would get to know each other and see if we liked each other and then the sexual element would just fall into place after. By then we would already know each other a bit as people. This guy has always been focused on the physical aspect of the relationship more so than the emotional connection. He hasn't ignored the emotional connection but it seems less important to him at this stage.

So my question is this - are there some men out there who like to START relationships focusing on the sexual aspect and then for them the interest in getting to know the woman deeply as a person comes later? In other words, they have to have a sexual relationship BEFORE they can start to develop true feelings and want to know her in depth? OR, if a guy starts a relationship focusing on the sex, does it almost always mean that's all he is looking for with this particular woman and is unlikely to ever develop true feelings for her? If that's the case I don't want to waste my time. But if he is just simply one of those guys who for whatever reason needs a sexual connection to open up his emotional connection then I'm willing to give it a try. It's not how I have ever started a relationship before. I have often had very deep emotional connections with men at the SAME time we were getting sexually involved. So this "sex first, emotions later" kind of guy is alien to me. OR, given the above behaviour is this most likely a case of a guy who just wants to use me for sex? Don't feel like getting burnt.

Thanks so much in advance for any advice! :) Only useful constructive feedback, intelligent insights and advice welcomed. Fortunately there's still some of you out there willing to do that ;)
 ebolakitty
Joined: 3/19/2016
Msg: 2
If a guy talks about sex a lot with you is that ALL he's looking for with you?
Posted: 2/3/2017 2:27:49 AM
My answer might be surprising but would probably hold true even in your own experience if you took a hard look at it.

The answer is YES but there is more.

First of all, it comes down to individuals. Even if you thought that this guy was the perfect one for you, it still might not work out. It is virtually impossible to make yourself burn proof. Set that idea aside and focus on his individual merits. Concentrate on what you get if you win rather than what happens if you lose. Make sure that he is worth the risk before you stick your neck out.

Now something else that might shock you... The sex first/emotions later guys are usually more desirable and reliable. Here is why: As a woman you want him to be able to detach himself long enough for him to act in your best interests. These guys can. One telling thing that you mentioned is that he doesn't ignore the emotional side but only makes it less of a priority. That is optimum. The guys that put emotions first are insufferable. It won't be long before you want to kick him. Five will get you ten if that isn't a big part of the reason that you are not still with any of your previous guys. They were so fawning, needy, wishey washy and above all, irresponsible. Couldn't make a decision to save their lives. They were so focused on the feelings that they couldn't do right by you.

As mentioned above, there are no guarantees. Still, this one is a better bet than most. This guy will really get to know you rather than try to live a fantasy while you are present.
 superchillie
Joined: 7/21/2015
Msg: 3
If a guy talks about sex a lot with you is that ALL he's looking for with you?
Posted: 2/3/2017 3:38:33 AM
l wouldn't say so much emotionally although depends how you mean it but he should be interested in you too and things going on with you ,an obvious like of you, an into you type thing.
lf he doesn't seem interested in much going on with you or you as a person,what you have to say , then it's more just sexual
On the other hand he could still be right into her but the sexual wants are just overpowering sometimes especially early in and as much as you might like her, that's all you can ****ing think about .

It'll show in how interested he is in you, does he really seem to giva fk abut you, does he really seem into you.
 VikingHoosier
Joined: 5/8/2015
Msg: 4
If a guy talks about sex a lot with you is that ALL he's looking for with you?
Posted: 2/3/2017 5:22:00 AM
You should know better than anyone here how much he's interested in things other than sex. There's a past, and non-sexual thoughts could very well have occurred to him. Mentioning sexual things quickly helps prevent falling into the friendzone.

In general, things tend to work better if he mentions sexual things sooner rather than later. Online, the "nice guy" gentlemen who only write polite messages get ignored, or they go nowhere with time vampires. The guy who tries writing something bold might get ignored or blocked, but he might get some positive response too. In today's shallow conversations, she might react with "LOL" or a positive emoji.

The "sexual" things I write/say early on are probably mild compared to many, but I'm always looking for more than just that stuff. The sexual talk doesn't mean "let's do it ASAP". It's a fun game, and it definitely works better than boring small talk.

One theory is many men fall in love only once, then they don't make the same mistake twice, so they become a player who goes from one woman to the next. Those men focus on physical relationships without getting serious to avoid being burned again.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 10/31/2015
Msg: 5
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If a guy talks about sex a lot with you is that ALL he's looking for with you?
Posted: 2/3/2017 6:04:17 AM
Guys who just want to get laid will say ANYTHING to get laid. Words mean nothing. Actions tell everything. Some foolish women want verbal promises and assume that's enough of a reason to cave into his needs. Players use this tendency to get what they want.

If the guy is 'into' you, it should be pretty clear that he's spending his free time with you, or trying to be with you, not playing around or making excuses why he can't. Where does he spend his time?

The guy's character hasn't changed from the previous relationship you had. Online dating won't change a thing. How or why you didn't get along the first time is probably because your characters didn't get along, or that you failed in communication of some sort. Think that through carefully.

What online dating (and smart phones) has changed about dating relationships in recent times is that people have become physically distant and impersonal with their connections. Texts and e-mails have replaced voice calls, and brief meet-ups simply do not happen. People 'program' themselves to be too busy - loading their schedules with crap instead of unplugging. As a result, people are literally STARVING for physical contact and a real-life touch connection. Talking sexual makes it pretty clear what direction he wants to go. If you are not showing/giving any intimacy yet - kissing, holding hands, touches and hugs - it's no wonder he's driving more to go further. Getting close doesn't HAVE to mean sex - but it is a very clear sign of trust - that maybe he needs right now. How can you CLEARLY show trust and faith in him aside from sleeping together? Have you failed in doing so?

If you're not physically close very much, maybe it's time to consider why - are you fearful, too distracted by your phone, too limited by past experiences and your own 'rules'? There's plenty of reasons why - but searching for HIS motivations is the wrong place to start looking - it's within. Both genders want sex and intimacy, for different reasons - but if you can't define your own motivations for going there - you're never going to understand why HE wants what he wants.
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 6
If a guy talks about sex a lot with you is that ALL he's looking for with you?
Posted: 2/3/2017 10:36:52 AM
One of the biggest problems in dating today is men talking about sex too early and too much. It's a private mater, when she's ready, and then only sparingly. When is the time right? - it's safer to wait for her to bring it up.

Why do guys do it? - because they watch too much Comedy Central and don't know any better (really!)

It's tough to find a gentleman these days.
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 7
If a guy talks about sex a lot with you is that ALL he's looking for with you?
Posted: 2/3/2017 10:45:07 AM

It's tough to find a gentleman these days.


I'm right here.

vvvvvvvv

Muchas gracias, but, alas, no.
 IReallyShouldnt
Joined: 9/6/2016
Msg: 8
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If a guy talks about sex a lot with you is that ALL he's looking for with you?
Posted: 2/3/2017 10:46:31 AM
^^
And you are always a gentlemen when posting in this forum. A pleasure to read your comments.

So now that I've buttered you up.... Do you have an older and single brother who thinks the same as yourself? :)
 IReallyShouldnt
Joined: 9/6/2016
Msg: 9
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If a guy talks about sex a lot with you is that ALL he's looking for with you?
Posted: 2/3/2017 10:47:33 AM
Oops, meant Hemingway... But full moon - your a gentleman too!
 aintnodeal
Joined: 4/10/2016
Msg: 10
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If a guy talks about sex a lot with you is that ALL he's looking for with you?
Posted: 2/3/2017 3:39:53 PM
Why is he talking to you about it all the time if you aren't DOING it...??? Seems a guy with only one thing on his mind would have moved on to someone else who has that same thing in mind....
 forumslady
Joined: 12/7/2016
Msg: 11
If a guy talks about sex a lot with you is that ALL he's looking for with you?
Posted: 2/3/2017 6:09:54 PM
LittleDreamGirl- Your concern in this in not truly in his emotional connection, but yours.
You gave that away when you said this..........
"if a guy starts a relationship focusing on the sex, does it almost always mean that's all he is looking for with this particular woman and is unlikely to ever develop true feelings for her? If that's the case I don't want to waste my time. But if he is just simply one of those guys who for whatever reason needs a sexual connection to open up his emotional connection then I'm willing to give it a try."
You already feel an emotional connection and you are afraid of getting hurt.
I am not saying this as a criticism, I have to be careful of this sort of thing myself.
No matter how you part, if this doesn't work out, you are going to feel hurt. It's too late to call back your feelings.
So here is where you have to be honest with YOURSELF.
Would you feel MUCH worse if you have sex with him and this ends anyway?
It's sounds like you would.
The thing is, this isn't the last time you are going to face this conundrum, it happens with people who need an emotional connection to have sex.
Think about how this could go.
You could NOT have sex with him and he ends it because he isn't willing to wait.
You COULD have sex with him and he ends it for some other reason.
You could not have sex with him and the emotional connection forms on his end and everything is fine.
You could have sex him and the emotional connection forms and everything is fine.
The odds are 50/50.
Here's where we return to you.
Can you just go ahead and have sex with him and deal with the fall out if it goes the wrong way?
I've had to learn to do just that, it works out that way sometimes.
You HAVE to be mature enough to not use sex to get the results you want, it could work out, or it could backfire.
This I had to figure out over time.
Can you do this?
In more brief terms, you've made this about HIS emotions and tied them in with sex, when it's REALLY you.
You are GOING to have to separate the two or you are in for a world of hurt, with this man or any other.
 gcdeb
Joined: 4/1/2015
Msg: 12
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If a guy talks about sex a lot with you is that ALL he's looking for with you?
Posted: 2/3/2017 6:13:30 PM
I'm a touch confused, I have to say. Possibly this is answered in the wordy OP that I skimmed over, but, surely it takes two to have a conversation? If you are engaging in sex talk why is it surprising that he keeps going back to that activity. It's fun, it's exciting, and you seem to enjoy it. Why would he stop?
 Dragracer428
Joined: 1/1/2012
Msg: 13
If a guy talks about sex a lot with you is that ALL he's looking for with you?
Posted: 2/3/2017 6:13:53 PM

Viking hoosier wrote
In general, things tend to work better if he mentions sexual things sooner rather than later. Online, the "nice guy" gentlemen who only write polite messages get ignored, or they go nowhere with time vampires. The guy who tries writing something bold might get ignored or blocked, but he might get some positive response too. In today's shallow conversations, she might react with "LOL" or a positive emoji.

The "sexual" things I write/say early on are probably mild compared to many, but I'm always looking for more than just that stuff. The sexual talk doesn't mean "let's do it ASAP". It's a fun game, and it definitely works better than boring small talk.


Have met 30+ women from dating sites in the last years, dated 10+ more than a few times. This would not have worked with any of them.


Hemmingway wrote
One of the biggest problems in dating today is men talking about sex too early and too much. It's a private mater, when she's ready, and then only sparingly. When is the time right? - it's safer to wait for her to bring it up.


Absolutely this, agree 100%.

If verbalizing your sexual attraction is the only way you can project that you are attracted I feel for you. If your conversational game is so weak you have to talk about sex to keep a conversation going again I feel for you.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 14
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If a guy talks about sex a lot with you is that ALL he's looking for with you?
Posted: 2/4/2017 4:00:31 PM
Very good post from Forumslady.

The thing is, REAL loving relationships are never manufactured scientifically. It's common for anxious people to try to find some formula, or approach, or list of "red flags/green flags," or sequencing of activities, in hopes of avoiding what they have come to refer to as "mistakes' in their past.

But if you really think about it seriously, and calmly, I think you'll recognize that none of the details and events that happen with two people cause them to be in love, and stay together.

I suggest we think about some of the other basics we see all the time about people who end up getting together for however long they do. You know how you are receptive to almost any approach that someone you are already attracted to, but find the exact same approach from an UNattractive person to be annoying or even rude? That's the way that everything about romance is. If the guy who talks about sex all the time turns you on, you are more likely to find his sex talk endearing or even charming, but if you really aren't all that thrilled about him otherwise, the same amount of sex talk will make you uncomfortable.

That's what the timing is really about, that Hemingway mentioned, I think. Doing sexual trash-talk kind of stuff with a relative stranger, is only appealing to some people. Actually, doing ANYTHING in the wrong order can throw things off. After all, if someone wants you to meet their parents on the first date (after high school anyway), that comes across as weird. Or if they want you to help them take their garbage out when you pick them up the first time. Any number of things happening at the wrong time, can cause unrest.

The thing about this particular scenario that I am curious about, is that you say you already TRIED things with this guy before, but that you broke things off, and this is round two. Why did you break off the first time? Why the second try? Does your concerns during round one, have anything to do with how you are interpreting round two conversations?
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 15
If a guy talks about sex a lot with you is that ALL he's looking for with you?
Posted: 2/6/2017 9:35:12 AM
I don't have a brother. Thank you for the kind words.
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 16
If a guy talks about sex a lot with you is that ALL he's looking for with you?
Posted: 2/6/2017 11:03:43 AM
I have a Q.. if that's a general rule then why do men talk about sex, sexual stuff too early? Is it some type of test ( if she rebuffs she's a prude, etc)
I get sexting with a lover, but not with a stranger.. unless the fantasy it what it's all about?
Over 7 inches of snow this morning - I now know I was lied to a few times :)
 forumslady
Joined: 12/7/2016
Msg: 17
If a guy talks about sex a lot with you is that ALL he's looking for with you?
Posted: 2/6/2017 11:24:15 AM
Double post, sorry, see below
 forumslady
Joined: 12/7/2016
Msg: 18
If a guy talks about sex a lot with you is that ALL he's looking for with you?
Posted: 2/6/2017 11:26:41 AM
ouija2025- Hemingway already touched on this with his earlier response.
This is where maturity in men becomes a factor.
Culturally we rely on cues, subtlety, that immature men don't have the patience for, so they force it.
The phenomenon of "the talk" is related.
Asking for reassurance that a relationship is exclusive, insisting on "the talk" is a way to try to prevent being hurt by cheating, but these forums tell us that having "the talk"and getting the reassurance is no gaurantee.
That's my take on it.
@ Igor- Thank you :)
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 19
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If a guy talks about sex a lot with you is that ALL he's looking for with you?
Posted: 2/6/2017 11:42:33 AM

We have been messaging more frequently in the past month or so.

If you're talking forever like that -- yes, sexy talk will come up. So you're going to get a lot of that. If your relationship ends up being a rarely-meeting-mostly-chatting, it's an easy reference to keep some spice going. You can't play the pen-pal game without expecting sexy talk for a guy to stick around. I think your issue though is it overshadows other stuff and seems too focused on it. OK, valid concern.

You'll want to spend time In Person -- or not be chatting every day, etc. Him keeping the ball rolling on your physically distant "relationship" is talking about sex. Basically, you should be talking about this to Him.... you've already established yourself with him! :)

if a guy starts a relationship focusing on the sex, does it almost always mean that's all he is looking for with this particular woman and is unlikely to ever develop true feelings for her?

No. Now, if he starts CHATTING with a gal and jumps right into sex -- good liklihood. But that's not the same. If you pen-pal for too long and establish yourselves that way, the sexy-talk is what keeps the candle burning, as most people don't like being pen-pals as the main course of the 'relationship'.

So this "sex first, emotions later" kind of guy is alien to me.

Well, from the sounds of it, it's kind of an alien situation though. You should have small talk chat and Meet. And have most of your conversation between you two in person, not over the phone/computer. When you establish yourselves as pen-pals where most your communication is over phone/computer and you rarely get to see each other... yeah, there needs to be Something to hold onto.

If he's talking to you every day, he's not trying to "use" you for sex. He's more using sex to make the virtual experience worthwhile... which isn't good, because in the end, it can end up Defining the relationship between you two as sex/fun-based. However, that may not be a bad thing. Better than Nothing. It's not frowning upon you (or himself), it's frowning upon the Sub Par situation (only being able to meet once in a while, while having to talk talk talk talk talk all the time).
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 20
If a guy talks about sex a lot with you is that ALL he's looking for with you?
Posted: 2/6/2017 12:13:01 PM
Makes sense Forumlady - but if it is so unsuccessful think they would wise up.
oh well, must work with some. Every pot has a lid
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 21
if he sets the table with plastic forks, am i getting lobster?
Posted: 2/6/2017 2:08:15 PM
why do some men yak about sex? B/c they're focused on what they want. The lure of pleasure is too strong in that one. it may turn out that when satiated, they turn to another topic of conversation about what they like. that's great if you like "conversations" that are really monologues and an audience.

Other guys, yes, are using it for a test. They get enough ladies looking for sex (I've seen posts here asking if women here are just cheap, or just looking to hook up) that they figure they can just cut to the chase and not bother with courting.

I guess there are guys who get off talking dirty with a stranger. Keeps the 1-900 number girls in college funds. Would be wonderfully ironic if these guys talking dirty to women they don't know on the 'net, are actually talking dirty to 15 yr old boys who get off pretending they're women on the internet.
 LittleDreamGirl
Joined: 4/27/2016
Msg: 22
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If a guy talks about sex a lot with you is that ALL he's looking for with you?
Posted: 2/6/2017 8:08:08 PM
Thank you all of you for your thoughtful, intelligent replies. Nice to hear from people actually trying to help and who don't need to zing you at the same time to do it. I should clarify that him and I dated before quite a while ago and we have been briefly intimate in the past. So he is not some stranger on the internet or some guy I have only been out with once or twice who I barely know. But neither is he currently a lover or boyfriend. I'm not sure what his agenda is. Last week we messaged every day and I was pleased that he sent me a few messages asking about how my day was or other non-sexual things. So maybe sex is not the only thing he is looking for. But at the same time he hasn't exactly rushed to ask me out again since our movie last week. Since I posted my original post, a couple of days ago he invited me to come over to his place and watch a movie with him. This was at 7:00 pm on Friday. I was too tired to go and it smelled too much like a booty call (not that
I've ever given him a booty call before) so I thanked him for the invite and suggested we do it another time soon since I was very tired. I am waiting for him to extend another invitation to me to do an activity out of the house - something planned, that feels more like a date, but already a week has gone by since we went for the movie and it hasn't happened. Plus since I turned him down on Friday to go over to his place he hasn't messaged me. So now I don't know what to think. Do you think that maybe because I turned him down and he hasn't contacted me since that this means he was just looking for a quick hook-up, but now realizes he won't get it so has moved on? OR, do you think it's possible he's genuinely interested but because I turned him down he thinks I'M not interested so has given up? So confused, aargh.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 23
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If a guy talks about sex a lot with you is that ALL he's looking for with you?
Posted: 2/6/2017 9:48:48 PM

I am waiting for him to extend another invitation to me to do an activity out of the house - something planned, that feels more like a date, but already a week has gone by since we went for the movie and it hasn't happened.

Well, despite your name -- you're a woman, not a girl. :) I understand where you're coming from. But if he is going to talk to you Every Day like he has for so long, he isn't just looking for a booty call... but yeah, I understand the concern that he hasn't seemed So motivated to see you in person again.

So why did I say woman not a girl? Because you are to Say Something! This isn't 5th grade. :) You are supposed to talk to him about it, like "Hey, let's go out sometime [this week]. I'd like to see ya, and it sucked I wasn't full-on ready on Fri evening for a last-minute gig."

Show some initiative. As you said -- this isn't some "new guy". You don't want it to be suspended in pen-paling. They don't last forever. You Have to show initiative. Don't let emotional fear/laziness get in the way because grandmaw says so.

Also, speaking of Saying things -- just ask him if he's just looking to fool around or something. If you are to see him soon, have that discussion in person... if it's up in the air when you two can see each other -- bring it up over chat, after you two chit-chat a bit. Don't be upset -- realize it's a possibility... you want the truth to come out as much as possible, with the least "PC" talk about it. Just say You Do very much want to see him, but you don't want to be just a hookup option to chat with once in a while, but to see each other at least somewhat frequently... where sexy talk is a side-dish, not the main course... and that you're just bringing it up as to be on the same page... and do it in a cool, friendly manner.
 ebolakitty
Joined: 3/19/2016
Msg: 24
If a guy talks about sex a lot with you is that ALL he's looking for with you?
Posted: 2/6/2017 10:08:42 PM
Looks to me that you achieved your goal. You didn't hook up with him. That should be enough. Let it all drop. That way you don't have to contact him or hook up with him.
 Coma_White
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 25
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If a guy talks about sex a lot with you is that ALL he's looking for with you?
Posted: 2/6/2017 10:30:29 PM
There is no man on Earth that only wants sex unless he has some kind of weird personality disorder and needs to be alone. No sane man is going to say no to dating a woman that is perfect for him. Men only want sex with a woman if they're not that into them. I'm sure we've all seen women do the same thing too.
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