|The House of PainPage 1 of 1 |
|There has been loss in your life.|
And now, moment by moment, minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day constant thoughts about this loss now engulf your entire being, and just like the suddenness of a broken shoe lace, your life has changed in an instant.
You are living now, in the House of Pain.
A home where I know these walls~ with no paint nor wallpaper~ just horizontal, uneven, and colorless slats~
the roof~ which is filled with large holes and it leaks raindrops inside all the time~ the staircase leading to the second floor, with its many broken, creaking steps~ the upstairs~ filthy wood slat flooring which is uneven and uncovered~ closets with dirty, torn, unwearable clothing and windows with tattered and torn gray colored drapes.
The upstairs hallway barely lit by only a small broken window on each end of the house.
A door pushed against a wall and hanging by one hinge adorns the entrance to the basement with its cracked, chipped cement stars descending down into a blackness darker than any night, emit a feeling the deep void and hurt, misery, and pain of loss.
It is sheer agony in its most powerful form.
You cannot go anywhere near it. Your body becomes paralyzed and you are gripped with a deep sense of fear when you so much as look at the entrance........... to that basement.
It is as if it is looking back at you, without eyes but it can somehow see you, and wanting to come within you.
It is a terrible thing, whatever it is and you must stay away from it.
Deep down in that black and terrifying abyss is where the source of all the pain and agony are coming from.
Going down there not possible, as you would be suddenly engulfed in all the pain, fear, and agony at once.
It feels as if it would literally kill you.
Outside the sky, cloudy, dark, and bleak~ the yard~full of dead grass and dirt, the neighborhood~filled with leafless tree trunks with damaged, gnarled branches scattered amidst empty homes.
The air~ not a single breeze blowing but cold, stifling, and damp.
Everything gray in color.
And nearly silent but for the faint, distant sound of the highest note on a keyboard being struck lightly every once in a while, like the sound of frozen teardrops hitting a hollow pipe.
Your daily life goes on and somehow you must function. The pain is so strong that it is always there, from the moment you awake in the morning until you go to bed.
It is now the biggest part of your life, front and center, on your mind and your gut at all times, every minute, every hour, every second and every moment.
Sleep is rare and only takes place once you`ve had several days without it, and even then its only for a couple of hours.
You are jolted out of your sleep each time by something unknown, and the misery immediately takes the center of your being once again.
For a brief moment as you`re shocked from your sleep, the flash of a quick vision goes through your mind just before the pain sets in. It is like a picture. A picture of a basement doorway.
The pain is always there, just beneath the surface and constantly trying to break through. When you talk to people at work, it whispers in your ears.
It urges you to steal away moments to yourself at work, school, in the store, in the bathroom, or around a corner.
Just for a minute to let some of it bleed through. You wrap your arms around your lower body to keep your guts from falling out.
After weeks and months you`ve gotten good at hiding it, and you can recover your composure rather quickly if someone walks in on you.
You are numb on most days now. The ability to feel the pain and misery has lessened, although it is still there waiting.
When will this end? When will it get better, just a little bit better?
Will I ever forget? Will I ever heal? When will I ever get a break from this, please just the smallest reprieve!
And this time, in self pity, you cry yourself to sleep.
You approach the basement entrance. You have been so numb for so long now that maybe it`ll be less terrifying to look down there now.
It still paralyzes you but something within you beckons you to proceed.
You go to the doorway and peer down into the blackness. This is as close as you`ve ever been to the doorway, and the first time you`ve ever looked directly into the blackness.
The fear is much more powerful than you could have ever imagined it would be. It has literally taken your breath away, and you notice this only because you have now started choking and gagging involuntarily for air.
Frozen in place, you catch your breath but you cannot move away, as much as you want to, you cannot.
Because as powerful a motivator as is that fear, urging you to run away.....you have an even deeper need to know.
You must see, and you must know right now, what lurks down in there.
After a few deep breaths you take that first step down those stairs.
Then another step and another one.
Until finally, you descend all the way and completely into the darkness.....and there, once deep inside, once you reach the bottom of those stairs and step foot onto that cold and black floor, now gripped by a fear and terror so strong that your heart is pounding out of your chest and you are breathing so loudly that its making your ears ring, and with both of your eyes opened so widely it feels as if the very lids are touching your forehead, you see it.........
You are once again startled out of your sleep, but it is by the alarm clock this time.
This is very unusual, since you normally do not sleep through the whole night but instead, you wake several times and feel the misery, which has held its iron grasp on you for so long now.
You get up and start to go through lifes daily motions. Almost like a robot programmed to follow a certain routine, you sit at the table and glance outside as you sip your morning drink.
And it is on this morning, something happens.
As you look outside the window, you notice something. You notice that the leaves on the trees appear to be a deeper shade of green than they normally do.
A short time later, as you walk out to your vehicle, you have another moment of clarity and you notice that there is a lite dusting of morning dew, and it looks like a bit of fog hovering just above the grass.
These seem like the tiniest, most insignificant little things, but you did notice them and you gave them thought......
Later the next day, someone gives you the smallest of grins and in your mind and suddenly you think "I wonder if she just shanked a mother****er" and you laugh to yourself.
These moments, these moments of taking notice of little things continues every other day for the next few weeks.
And after waking once again to the alarm clock instead of that jolting, rude awakening that you usually get, feeling very well slept for the 5th straight night in a row, you realize, that you are on the road to healing.
And as you have your morning drink and look outside, you cry.
You break right down and you cry VERY hard for just a couple minutes, and it feels so good.
Because that was the very last of the pain leaving you all at once.
One day, you share a happy story with a friend, and you smile sincerely as you tell them about it.
Afterwards, you suddenly have a memory of something very recent thrust upon you.
It comes out of nowhere, takes over your mind, and plays itself back over and over.
You suddenly remember your dream of descending into the basement within the House of Pain.
.......when you get to the bottom of those cold, concrete, chipped and jagged steps it is dark, so dark.
You stand still and stare into the darkness that has been staring back at you since you first looked down that terrifying entrance.
You are now frozen with a feeling that you have never experienced before, your heart is literally pounding out of your chest with bone stabbing fear, your breathing deafens your hearing, but a force within you that is just as strong as the terror, compels you to continue.
And so you begin slowly walking within these horrible bowels of darkness, each step loudly broadcasting the crunch of broken glass, concrete, wood chips and other unknown objects on the cold floor.
It is all black all around you, and you cannot see anything. This is no place for even the bravest of the brave to ever consider entering.
You continue by putting one foot in front of the other in this blackness. This is a blackness where you cannot even see the floor itself, and with each carefully placed step you wonder if you could be stepping off an edge leading to a never ending fall into the abyss.
Three to four footsteps take nearly an entire minute.
You begin to hear something, very faint and off to your left.
You cannot make out what the sound is. Not from this distance.
You need to get closer to be certain what it is.
As you follow your ears, your eyes can now make out a faint light ahead, dropping down from the ceiling and onto the floor ahead of you and in that moment, you thank God that there are holes in the floor above allowing at least a little bit of light to guide down here.
As you approach, your eyes are able to make out something.
And you hear it for certain and without a doubt.
There in front of you, on the floor and with the faint light descending down, is a child.
Seated on this cold and miserable floor, in this terrifying place, with their back turned to you, quietly and gently crying with its arms folded across its chest, and slowly rocking forwards and back.
This child is hurting inside, just like you had been doing for months now.
You instinctively run across the darkness and into that tiny bit of faint light, scoop the child off the floor and race back as fast as possible back across the darkness in the direction that you came in.
You can feel the cold hands of the child grip onto you as you try and find your way out.
A new feeling is fighting its way past your terror and fear, fighting very hard to reach to the surface of your heart.
And it is a feeling of protectiveness and determination.
All your fears and terror are set aside for now, all you know and all you feel is that you must get that helpless child out of this horrible and miserable place.
And you will fight any monster, demon, ghosts, or dark things that try and stop you now.
You stumble around in the darkness trying to find the staircase which lead you down there, and you feel the childs grip tighten upon you as you search for the way out.
Finally, your foot catches on a familiar block and as you step upon it and raise your other foot, that foot happily reports that it feels another block underneath it.
You have found the way out!
Your pace quickens as you walk up the stairs, being careful not to stumble.
Your precious cargo tight in your arms, you cannot afford to lose now and tumble back into the dark.
As you emerge into the faint, grey light of the first floor of the House of Pain, you stop for a moment to stroke the forehead of this child and it is then.......it is then that you see for the first time, this childs face.
Every cell in your body recognizes this kid, and you can also sense what the child is feeling at the very moment that your eyes meet.
This child is grateful that you had the courage to remove him from that terrible, horrible place, which is unfit for the strongest of men, much less a child.
And your eyes realize, that the child you`ve just rescued from the abyss, has the face you recognize all so well.
The child, is you.
You have lifted yourself out of pain, agony, and misery, out of the House of Pain, out of the darkness, and back into the light, so you can live and be free once again.