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Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > What is the hardest part of divorce?      Home login  
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 therainman2
Joined: 3/4/2017
Msg: 1
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What is the hardest part of divorce? Page 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
I have never been married. I want to know what it is like and what the hardest part of going through it. I know that sounds strange to ask but it seems like so many people these days are getting them left and right and seem unphased by it. It kind of shocks me. When I was a kid my best friend's parents went through a divorce and I just remember hearing her cry all the time when we would be in his room hanging out. I was 12 at the time.

So for those who went through it, What is the hardest part of divorce?
 razors_edge55
Joined: 11/25/2013
Msg: 2
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What is the hardest part of divorce?
Posted: 3/19/2017 5:28:09 PM
In a word dude ,,everything ,,,but not the divorce that was almost 3 years later ,,after 17 good years she comes home acting funny ,,I remember april 2 2004 ,,I say what is up with you ,,she says I slept (nice way to say) with this guy ,,ok I understand ,,,I've been tempted so I did understand ,but we can get threw this ,,you just have to end this ,,,did not happen ,,,,the moral to this story is ,,,I did my best ,,it was the best 17 years and the most painfull 2.5 years after that ,,you can only control half of the story ,,it's on you to do your best ,,,and no I would not change a thing that I could control,
it's a leap of faith ,,,if you don't have it ,,don't leap
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 3
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What is the hardest part of divorce?
Posted: 3/19/2017 6:04:31 PM
The hardest part was telling the kids. Even though they acknowledged very quickly that everybody was much happier now (within a few months), and even though they turned out wonderfully well and are happy well-adjusted adults, telling them was heartbreaking, and I still sometimes think about it, and it pains me still, even after almost 20 years.
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 4
What is the hardest part of divorce?
Posted: 3/19/2017 6:14:55 PM
Moving, and all that entails / overcoming self doubt / overcoming self blame / finding the courage to accept the things I could not change / learning to love myself again.
 Yule_liquor
Joined: 12/7/2011
Msg: 5
What is the hardest part of divorce?
Posted: 3/19/2017 7:49:11 PM
@OP

In my part of the US, the divorce rate is > 50%, and there all sorts of scenarios; from very simple...to very hard!

In short, if you do not have much time vested in the marriage, and don't own a "pot to piss in", and no kids...it is not that hard!

The presence of young children will ensure that neither ex can ever get away from the other for a long time.

Money..will be fought for vigorously!

The best you can do, is to try to reach a deal...before going to court....because if not then the lawyers will be the biggest winners....and the spouse with the most money will be the big loser!
 Cowgirlwannabe1
Joined: 8/21/2015
Msg: 6
What is the hardest part of divorce?
Posted: 3/20/2017 6:38:47 AM
well I was married for twenty..more like twenty 0ne by time it was final
think after the initial anger wears off
and you have moved and settled into your new life
it is having someone to rely on to bounce things off of..
someone that understands you
because they have known you for years
know your personality, your temperament
what you are like on a good day and when the sh*t hits the storm
you do not have to explain
 PlutoLover68
Joined: 7/28/2016
Msg: 7
What is the hardest part of divorce?
Posted: 3/20/2017 8:40:04 AM
The paperwork. ;)

All kidding aside, my marriage was over long before it ended. We were together over 20 years. The last 10 or so were not great. I had suggest divorce a couple times, he didn't want to, and our finances thru 2009-2011 were not good (like most of the country at that time). In early 2013 I learned he was 6 weeks in to an affair with a coworker. It was a good time to put an end to the marriage. We have stayed good friends thru the process. We both want the other to be happy. We have two children together, so we will always be in each others lives in some capacity. There is no point in being ugly and spiteful.

I think the hardest part is gaining self confidence and learning the new rules of dating. But I will say that now that I'm 4 years in to single life I had some fun, learned a lot and my needs and wants have changed. Oh the other hard part is sharing the kids and the expectations we all have of the "other" parent. I expect my ex to put the same energy in to our kids as I do. It doesn't happen and the kids and I all get let down. Its sad
 forumslady
Joined: 12/7/2016
Msg: 8
What is the hardest part of divorce?
Posted: 3/20/2017 3:57:57 PM
Therainman2- The part I thought would be the hardest wasn't and something I hadn't thought about was VERY hard.
The #1 reason I stayed longer than I should have (we were together for 22 years, married for 21) was guilt over what it would do to our children.
Don't get me wrong, us not being together changed things for them profoundly and that wasn't easy, but for the most part, they were relieved.
They were sick of the arguing. They adjusted fairly easy to me having custody and him having them every other weekend, sharing holidays and half the summer, etc.
That put me into a mood where I felt a little silly.
I had built a picture of major drama, heart wrenching angst and although a little sad, it just wasn't that big of a deal like I had thought it would be.
What I wasn't prepared for was the effect it had on my social life.
When we split, he used his phone to get messages/notices from facebook. I didn't do that and still don't. When I logged on to facebook, I often found invitations to this or that. So, no one took sides. They were still inviting me, but he ALSO got invitations and he would accept invitations before I even had a chance to know about them. I wasn't ready to see him yet. I could NOT be around him and act like things were fine, so he went but I didn't.
I regret that now, I should have had more spine and gone.
Over time, they have stood by me, we keep in touch on facebook, but it's not the same.
That's been rough. I'm going to suck it up and start going over there (I live on the West side of the bay, but grew up on the East side, all of these people live on the east side) and get things back where they were.
As far as the actual divorce, the lawyers and coming to an agreement, that part was fine because we both just wanted out.
We did a no fault divorce, worked out custody, divided things up, there was no fight, no drama. The only thing he gave me a hard time about was an antique miniature lamp. It came from MY family, I knew the whole story about when it was bought in Germany, how it had been passed down, etc. How he got it into his head it was HIS is still beyond me, but I let him have the darn thing.
So, mostly, what I was left with was the VERY surreal feeling of just how easy it was for 22 years of my life to be over. Poof, gone. Pick up a pen, sign the paper and just like that, it's done.
Easily, the most painful thing was adjusting to being alone/single.
From the age of 20-42, I was a part of a couple. A LOT of my memories were tied to him. The first year after the divorce, holidays, birthdays, just going to places on my own was HARD. It just me a while to get "we" out of my vocabulary.
Just hearing "our" songs on the radio could undo me.
Sleeping alone was hard.
But, as with most hard things, time played a huge role in healing.
6 years has passed since I left him and I know now that it was for the best.
I'm happy, I'm back to who I REALLY am.
Endings are tough, but new beginnings can be a blessing, as I now know.
 Butterchickenchuck
Joined: 9/18/2015
Msg: 9
What is the hardest part of divorce?
Posted: 3/20/2017 4:00:42 PM
I think Eddie Murphy summed it up with one word :

HALF !
 Yule_liquor
Joined: 12/7/2011
Msg: 10
What is the hardest part of divorce?
Posted: 3/20/2017 4:50:56 PM
^


I think Eddie Murphy summed it up with one word


Half is right....Which is why I firmly believe women are smarter than men......most would never marry a man who makes/has less than they do!
 Aprilovesrosas
Joined: 2/13/2017
Msg: 11
What is the hardest part of divorce?
Posted: 3/20/2017 5:46:14 PM

Half is right


Only if BOTH started from zero.!!
 Perspektiv
Joined: 2/11/2017
Msg: 12
What is the hardest part of divorce?
Posted: 3/20/2017 7:23:34 PM
To me, it gets messy when children and assets are involved.

Nastier, if one party isn't ready to let go. Nastiest, if they refuse to.
 forumslady
Joined: 12/7/2016
Msg: 13
What is the hardest part of divorce?
Posted: 3/20/2017 9:38:26 PM
perspektiv- "Nastier, if one party isn't ready to let go. Nastiest, if they refuse to."
You said a mouth full right there.
I have a good friend going through the latter. For years, every time they fought, he threatened her with divorce, sick of him, SHE walked out and filed and now he's making things BAD.
He's bickering with her over the dumbest things.(when we talked last week, he was calling her and fussing about the furniture. She told him he could have it. The week before that, it was, I kid you not, golf shoes and their golf membership. HE used that, she never went anyway. I've suggested that she stop taking his calls). What is REALLY awful is he calls their daughter and tells her all kinds of bad things about her mother. The daughter, thankfully, is old enough to tell him she doesn't want to hear it.
The latest......He is refusing to help with their daughters college tuition and he won't move out.
My friend is in North Carolina and I'm in Alabama, so all I can do is talk to her on the phone and TRY to help her through it.
It's amazing what some people will do to someone they used to claim to love.
 Perspektiv
Joined: 2/11/2017
Msg: 14
What is the hardest part of divorce?
Posted: 3/21/2017 6:51:00 PM

It's amazing what some people will do to someone they used to claim to love.


You only truly know who you did marry, once you divorce. Divorce, will bring someone's character out, in its rawest form.
You as a result, hope you picked well, when falling for them (as when you divorce, their true intent after all, will show its true colors).

I.E If they just wanted to control you, hurt you, or genuinely loved you.

Odds are, you knew this early on in the relationship, but chose to stick it out. The signs are always there.

Mistake I see so many people make, is getting goaded into fighting with their exes. They know the buttons to push, and you allow them to keep being pushed.

The relationship is over. They have no business doing so, or given the avenue to being able to.

One book I highly recommend you suggest your friend to read, is "Its All your Fault" by Bill Eddy.

It delves into high conflict personality disorders, and how to communicate with such people, while keeping control of your own emotions.

Another mistake, is not getting a good lawyer, and worse even--not listening to their advice.

Keep communication short and to the point.

I find divorces only truly get dead nasty, if both parties allow them to. If you take the high road, they either follow, or get left in your dust.

You teach people how to treat you.
 forumslady
Joined: 12/7/2016
Msg: 15
What is the hardest part of divorce?
Posted: 3/21/2017 7:36:14 PM
perspektiv- I've been divorced for 6 years now.
I wrote a fairly long post above. (post #8)
I'm not ashamed to admit I went into therapy afterward, I still go.
My ex is a narcissist.
The divorce was fairly painless because I didn't fight him and he didn't fight me. He was already on the hunt for his new supply.
That's what I was to him, ego supply.
It was a painful thing to face.
His antics since divorcing him have been something else. The up side is I know what he is now and we only talk about things related to our children and even then, I'm short and to the point, like you said. I don't give him a chance to get to me.
6 years has made me numb to his crap, so I do fine with keeping my emotions in check. Honestly, he's kind of funny to me at this point, he is SO predictable.
I got a good lawyer, trust me on that one and I took his advice as gospel.
What you said about taking the high road.......I admit, for a while, I played his game. Guess who lost, every time?
When I accepted I was NEVER going to best him, I took a breath and just said, "NO more."
"You teach people how to treat you."
Indeed, I did. For WAY too long.
BUT, looking back and beating myself up helps nothing, so I took what happened and learned from it. I became wiser. I put our children and myself first.
Turns out, one of those lessons that I had to learn was to love myself, guide my children to be good people and major credit to them, they are doing well.
You are wise, perspective, heck, maybe you should charge for advice.
 PennyAnte
Joined: 4/17/2016
Msg: 16
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What is the hardest part of divorce?
Posted: 3/21/2017 8:24:41 PM
My husband and I got married very young and a few years after we were married he disclosed to me a preference that I could not accept. I tried and with some honest soul searching I realized I couldn't introduce that into my life and my marriage .

When we divorced we were both still in love with each other. That was hard but I needed to be true to myself and I knew I had to maintain that boundary in order to be happy and healthy have peace of mind and self respect for my needs and my body.

We co-parented together and had a lot of fun with our daughters and when the grandchildren came along we were in heaven. He died suddenly of a massive heart attack while blowing the leaves keeping his mother's property. He was only 47 .

He was my best friend. He helped me and although I didn't make much with a teachers salary he made our lives rich. The kids never knew that I struggled with finances and never wanted for anything.
Divorce is a different experience for everyone . For me it was ending a marriage with a man I was in love with. That was the hardest part.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 17
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What is the hardest part of divorce?
Posted: 3/22/2017 4:14:34 AM
As can be seen already, divorce is as diverse and complex as the people who go through it. For one person it could be a simple relief, for others a devastating nightmare.

My divorce took many years, even after the legal separation. But if I change the question a bit, from "what's the hardest part of divorce," to "what's the hardest part of realizing your marriage is over," then for me it was the total and utter sense of failure as a human being. I had spent almost my entire life up to that point, working to make that life adventure work, and when she pronounced the end, I was crushed.

One odd thing. I was not upset about the logic of it all. That is, I did accept immediately that it WAS over, mainly because it had been an extremely difficult twenty three years, including the time during which we first got together, for a lot of reasons.

As for the mechanisms of divorce, that depends on where you live. Mine was more complex than it should have been, and more expensive, because I live in Virginia, where extra unnecessary obstacles are put into peoples' way.
 Cowgirlwannabe1
Joined: 8/21/2015
Msg: 18
What is the hardest part of divorce?
Posted: 3/22/2017 4:43:50 AM
by the time it finally happened it was not a surprise for either one of us
we actually sat down together and divided up assetts and the debt
and did it all non-contested and civilized

we had a seperation oh five or six years before and then reconciled
for kids sake..built a house and tried again

but yes..hardest part was coming to grips finally with this reality
that my marriage was a failure
not from lack of trying ..at least on my part
 razors_edge55
Joined: 11/25/2013
Msg: 19
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What is the hardest part of divorce?
Posted: 3/22/2017 8:06:12 AM
one thing was to see someone you loved compleatly ,,become someone you no longer recognise,,
the post here may keep the OP from ever even thinking about marriage LOL
but OP don't go into any relationship ploting it's failure ,you go in it thinking "forever "
 PlutoLover68
Joined: 7/28/2016
Msg: 20
What is the hardest part of divorce?
Posted: 3/22/2017 10:30:50 AM
{quote]don't go into any relationship ploting it's failure ,you go in it thinking "forever "

Brings back memories of my sisters first wedding. I was 17, she was 23. I ask if she was nervous, knowing it was forever. She said "No, there is always divorce". I remember being taken aback by it. Really, who says that on their wedding day? They lasted about 10 years. She remarried. She has divorced husband #2 twice, and has remarried him again. They filed for the 3rd divorce, but canceled it.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 21
What is the hardest part of divorce?
Posted: 3/22/2017 1:22:09 PM
^^^It sounds like she wanted to get married just for the sake of being married, and is more interested in the status symbol. That's why I avoid profiles that say "Looking for someone to marry". Being married is more important than who they marry.
 PlutoLover68
Joined: 7/28/2016
Msg: 22
What is the hardest part of divorce?
Posted: 3/22/2017 1:39:52 PM
^^^ it was shot gun...got married May 17, niece born July 1. She already had one child with another man...so she thought getting married to baby daddy number 2 was a good idea. They did at least make it 10 years. LOL The last one that she married 3 times/ divorced twice, I don't even know what the hell is up with that.
 Perspektiv
Joined: 2/11/2017
Msg: 23
What is the hardest part of divorce?
Posted: 3/23/2017 12:38:23 AM

I'm not ashamed to admit I went into therapy afterward, I still go.


There is no shame, in seeking knowledge about yourself, to allow you to grow from it.

I think the lone beauty of divorce, is how humbling it is. You're forced to look in a mirror, to assess yourself. It'll grow you exponentially, as a result, if you allow its wisdom to do just that.

You'll otherwise, repeat your mistakes. Over, and over again (there's a certain line, where doing so makes one go from being naive, to foolish, to just outright--being an idiot). Kind of like that guy who tries to parallel park, with one foot to little room in between vehicles to do so.

Not a pretty sight.
 Wilkes_Barre_Candy
Joined: 9/7/2016
Msg: 24
What is the hardest part of divorce?
Posted: 3/26/2017 4:32:02 AM
For me it was "shopping" for an attorney, all the paperwork and the expense.

I think pre-nups may be good if the marriage starts where one has more assets than the other, otherwise the one with the assets (myself) gets drained by the other.
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 25
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What is the hardest part of divorce?
Posted: 3/26/2017 6:44:03 AM
My divorce was quick, uncontested, and only cost $600. I had her reimburse me half of that back. The hardest part was the feeling that I had failed. It was doomed as we knew each other only about 6 months when we married.
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