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 Katy_124
Joined: 11/14/2014
Msg: 1
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Do I have unrealistic contact expectations for my boyfriend?Page 1 of 1    
Been dating a wonderful guy for about 7 months. Treats me well and probably the best relationship I have been in in a very long time. We are both very independent people and have been in relationships with people that were 'needy'. The only problem I have is *sometimes* feeling disconnected while we are apart.

I'll give you an example. We spent a weekend together & then on Monday morning before work he says 'well I hope you have a great week' and then I don't hear from him until Thursday evening about plans for that weekend. Again, we had a fantastic weekend. On Monday morning before leaving for work he says he'll bring dinner over during the week (as I've been unwell with acute bronchitis lately). I say yes and that I'd be in touch. Well I got in touch at lunchtime today & still no response all day - although I can see he's online on Facebook of course.

When we first got together he would send me cute messages during work breaks and things. I appreciated them and sometimes miss them. The reason I have never mentioned an occasional lack of contact in between seeing each other is because the good outweights stuff like that generally. We have such a great time when together but I do miss hearing from him during the day sometimes.

And I'm annoyed that he can go a day without bothering to reply to me despite being online. Justified or not?
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 2
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Do I have unrealistic contact expectations for my boyfriend?
Posted: 4/4/2017 1:45:23 PM
if this is the only problem, it might have to be chalked up to "no one's perfect". some people are self-contained units and they give only so much. he may have reached a comfort level with you, and feels he knows you well enough.
 Katy_124
Joined: 11/14/2014
Msg: 3
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Do I have unrealistic contact expectations for my boyfriend?
Posted: 4/4/2017 2:03:13 PM

if this is the only problem, it might have to be chalked up to "no one's perfect". some people are self-contained units and they give only so much. he may have reached a comfort level with you, and feels he knows you well enough.


The thing is I've more or less managed to be ok with it for 7 months and whenever I've thought 'hmm, should I say something?' I've decided it is better not to create conflict by saying something. I can clearly see he has read the message from me, so why ignore it all day? I am far from a clingy gf and generally we talk every 2-3 days, so why can't he just respond for once especially when he knows I've been unwell. Perhaps you are right and this maybe need to be chalked up to that one thing that is not perfect ultimately.

I guess when I contact him I'm saying 'i'm thinking of you' & when I get no response I take that to mean 'but i'm not thinking of you enough to bother responding.'
 6jellybeans
Joined: 7/1/2015
Msg: 4
Do I have unrealistic contact expectations for my boyfriend?
Posted: 4/4/2017 2:55:47 PM
People are funny creatures.

Your boyfriend does seem a bit disconnected. Here is what I suggest. be light hearted. Let him make the running. Go out with your friends. Let him come to you. Don't worry if he doesn't respond. Just remember that you do not have to respond straight away either. Its just a text. So next time he sends one. I am guessing it will be just a general Hi type text just respond something along the lines of yes you are fine and hope he has a great week. If he says he wants to see you say that it could be good and what does he suggest. Let him figure out your worth. Log off of Facebook and stay logged off for a week or so. Then you will not be tempted to keep looking at his profile. Keep yourself occupied catching up with friends and family.

I am not saying be nasty or harsh. I am saying that actually he IS treating you as disposable at the moment. He needs to know that you are perfectly capable of being on your own and coping on your own either with or with out him. By keeping it light and fun and being cool about it he will soon come to realise that you are fun and worth putting in the effort.

Too many women at this point would get all antsy and needy. Now is the time for you to quietly get on with life and yet still welcome him in when he puts the effort in. If he doesn't put the effort in then you have your life so go live it. Plenty of guys out there who are available. I know it sounds harsh but I think he is using the "needy" thing as an excuse to keep you at arms length. At 7 months in if they are not talking to you every day and seeing you a couple of times a week then its unlikely to carry on. Just remember that its OK. It is perfectly fine either way. So relax for now and just go do your own thing. You don't need to back off as there is already plenty of "space" all you need to do is get on with your life. Then no matter what happens for good or bad you still will go on and it will be fine either way.

Good luck and hope you feel better soon.
 Katy_124
Joined: 11/14/2014
Msg: 5
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Do I have unrealistic contact expectations for my boyfriend?
Posted: 4/4/2017 3:06:01 PM

Your boyfriend does seem a bit disconnected. Here is what I suggest. be light hearted


Thanks for your thoughtful response 6jellybeans. But I'm concerned that the issue is that he is behaving this way BECAUSE I have been giving him so much space...and now's he stretching the space out. I always do my own thing and keep it light and fun. So considering that's the way I have been...I'm not convinced this is how I should continue if this is where it gets me?

I have no doubts that he loves me...in fact I think he is rather serious about the relationship. His closest friends were telling me how much I mean to him over the weekend & I feel it whenever we are together. He does initiate dates often. BUT - I would like just a little more contact when we're apart. I'm not sure that acting cool and not communicating this will get me where I want to be. Last time we were together he said 'I really appreciate you' - but I guess this doesn't make me feel so appreciated.
 imanorangetiger
Joined: 12/29/2011
Msg: 6
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Do I have unrealistic contact expectations for my boyfriend?
Posted: 4/4/2017 3:10:05 PM
It's often the case that people slip back into their own routine after that first flurry of flirty and romantic messages. Maybe his default is being less empathetic than average. Maybe his workload is heavy at the moment. Maybe he's bored with your relationship.

There could be any number of reasons why things feel out of kilter for you and the end result is that it's bothering you. It may not be bothering him though and your individual wires aren't connecting in the way that you thought they were before. It may feel as though suddenly, he's a bit of a stranger to you.

The way forward is to decide what you ideally want to happen, what you can happily cope with if you don't get 100%, and what you might want to do if he gives you much less attention than you feel you deserve. Obviously a conversation is in order but you might not want to get into a drama triangle where you end up playing the victim persecutor role. Instead, pick your moment when you're both together and remind him how thrilled you were to receive random messages throughout the day, and then gauge his response.
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 7
Do I have unrealistic contact expectations for my boyfriend?
Posted: 4/4/2017 3:10:30 PM
well most ppl who " love you" don't ignore your messages, texts or go nearly a week without speaking.
Why so hesitant to tell the man who loves you his radio silence bothers you?
 Katy_124
Joined: 11/14/2014
Msg: 8
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Do I have unrealistic contact expectations for my boyfriend?
Posted: 4/4/2017 3:22:05 PM

It's often the case that people slip back into their own routine after that first flurry of flirty and romantic messages. Maybe his default is being less empathetic than average. Maybe his workload is heavy at the moment. Maybe he's bored with your relationship.

There could be any number of reasons why things feel out of kilter for you and the end result is that it's bothering you. It may not be bothering him though and your individual wires aren't connecting in the way that you thought they were before. It may feel as though suddenly, he's a bit of a stranger to you.


Thanks imanornagetiger. When we're together I feel more connected than we've ever been. Last week we spent 3 days together during a trip and he subtly brought up the subject of engagement. I was quite surprised but secretly pleased I suppose. He definitely doesn't seem bored in the moment.

Work has been bothering him lately. There have been mornings recently where he tells me he wants to close his eyes, burrow underneath the covers and not go - this isn't like him as he is usually very hard working. He is looking for other work, so that's positive, but I'm feel a little disconnected from him and it does hurt. I will need to talk to him as empathetically as possible I think.
 6jellybeans
Joined: 7/1/2015
Msg: 9
Do I have unrealistic contact expectations for my boyfriend?
Posted: 4/4/2017 3:26:12 PM
Appreciate?

That is not love...

I really do think you need to concentrate more on yourself than on him right now. Seems to me as though he was putting the effort in at the beginning but just isn't bothering right now.

Go out with your girlfriends. Go see family and do fun stuff.

This often happens when one partner starts making more effort than the other. Quit over analysing (we all do it) and see it for what it is.

There is a big chance here that this guy is going to walk and I am guessing soon. now you have a choice. You can either bring it up and have the whole "where are we conversation" which given that he is clearly prone to run and claim women are needy is highly likely. Or you can make him start doing the running by increasing your value. You do this by putting in less effort and going and doing your thing. Then when he comes to you, be happy, friendly and get him to do the work by coming up with the plans and ideas in a subtle but still fun way.

By saying something along the lines of "could be fun what do you suggest" it means that you may have better plans that do not involve him. It reminds him that you have a life. If he comes up with something dull you can take a rain check and go see that band or go to the pub with your friends instead. You can be kind in the way you phrase your blow off. But now is not the time to panic. It will go one of two ways and he has to make the decision on his own which way he wants to go. You can guide him but it has to be his decision. If you push right now I think he will feel constricted and is more likely to run.

You can encourage him to send more texts by casually letting him know you like it. You could say something along the lines of "You know it used to make me so hot and horney for you when you used to send me those daft texts, It let me know you were thinking of me and I always wondered which bits you were thinking of!!" I know it sounds daft but its a way of letting him know that you like it in a light flirty way.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 10
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Do I have unrealistic contact expectations for my boyfriend?
Posted: 4/4/2017 3:33:06 PM
knowing only what I've read here, I guess this is one of those classic "what's more important" parts of a relationship. Sometimes getting an answer, any answer, is more important. other times, keeping the relationship is more important. If he's really distraught over his job, he may be classically shutting down--sometimes men retreat, while women want to connect.

(on a side note, I was dealing with a female friend who was having work issues. too many choices to make, to stay or go as medical issues may make the decision for her. I told her she was worried now about having more choices than facts to make the decision with. just wait, get the facts, and likely, there will be no decision b/c there will be no choice. he may be suffering the same thing, too many choices and not enough facts to make the decisions with, so he's just left with emotions and confusion right now).

personally, I'm a wait and see--someone's going to leave anyway, why make it happen sooner, just see how things shake out. but then it takes me 5 years or more to get the next relationship, so I have a reason to let sleeping dogs lie :)
 NYCKOSI
Joined: 4/24/2015
Msg: 11
Do I have unrealistic contact expectations for my boyfriend?
Posted: 4/4/2017 7:10:48 PM
Disconnect from him for a bit. If he does not make the effort to connect with you, plain and simple, he has no interests. Effort shows alot. If you are afraid to disconnect from him for a while to see his effort for you might lose him, then you are wasting your time with him. He has the upper hand.
 forumslady
Joined: 12/7/2016
Msg: 12
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Do I have unrealistic contact expectations for my boyfriend?
Posted: 4/4/2017 7:17:50 PM
Katy 124- At 7 months in, it's time for you to be comfortable enough to express to him what you want in a relationship.
As your relationship grows, a lack of communication can stifle it.
Don't keep this to yourself.
Something along the lines of "I really enjoyed the messages you used to send me, I miss those."
He isn't a mind reader, so don't expect him to be.
I would be willing to venture that if you express to him how much you enjoy hearing from him, he'll start doing it again, so tell him!
 aintnodeal
Joined: 4/10/2016
Msg: 13
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Do I have unrealistic contact expectations for my boyfriend?
Posted: 4/4/2017 10:57:30 PM

Disconnect from him for a bit. If he does not make the effort to connect with you, plain and simple, he has no interests. Effort shows alot. If you are afraid to disconnect from him for a while to see his effort for you might lose him, then you are wasting your time with him. He has the upper hand.


Spot on. You don't need to "justify" anything. You WANT what you WANT. If he won't provide that you've got 3 choices:
- Walk Away
- Nag until he caves in
- Give up your WANTS and suffer in silence

Now....which option are you going to choose? Sitting in silence, posting notes in the Forums = Suffer in Silence
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 14
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Do I have unrealistic contact expectations for my boyfriend?
Posted: 4/4/2017 11:17:10 PM
I think you are being too needy. It is only a casual thing at the moment in his eyes and if you get too demanding he will withdraw. He may be seeing others of course and as you are not committed, he is entitled to. He is over the winning and the wooing as he is getting what he wants and no longer has to jump through hoops. Please dont turn into a stalker, that will do you and he no good.
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 15
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Do I have unrealistic contact expectations for my boyfriend?
Posted: 4/5/2017 7:24:43 AM
It sounds like the honeymoon phase of the relationship is over. All relationships have highs and lows. It can't be a honeymoon forever. Plus he's not happy with his job.

I am assuming he responds to your texts with 24 hours. More than that would be rude.

But I understand why you miss the texting.... he did that in the beginning. You can always tell him you miss the more frequent texting. I doubt it will work, but it can't hurt to try.

Do keep in mind that relationships are primarily held together by dates / face-time - not phone calls and text. Many people only use the phone to set a date.
 NYCKOSI
Joined: 4/24/2015
Msg: 16
Do I have unrealistic contact expectations for my boyfriend?
Posted: 4/5/2017 8:36:25 AM
Nag until he caves in ""

Nag does not work. he will walk away
 FrothingShooter
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 17
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Do I have unrealistic contact expectations for my boyfriend?
Posted: 4/5/2017 8:48:59 AM
I'm going against the grain on this one.

I think how you feel between the dates is just as important as time in person.

No such thing as clingy if the interest is mutual.

He is not as interested as you.

He's fine with running the 'sex after activity' script.

I wouldn't be surprised if he's actively taking to others
 Wilkes_Barre_Candy
Joined: 9/7/2016
Msg: 18
Do I have unrealistic contact expectations for my boyfriend?
Posted: 4/5/2017 9:38:50 AM
^^I agree with Clooney

something is wrong...
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 19
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Do I have unrealistic contact expectations for my boyfriend?
Posted: 4/5/2017 10:26:33 AM
Just do what Jellybeans suggests. Give him a long rope and see if he hangs himself.

If you detach more and do your thing and he doesn't want to know what's up, you don't have a boyfriend. You have a friend with benefits.

You can then decide if you're ok with that or not.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 20
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Do I have unrealistic contact expectations for my boyfriend?
Posted: 4/5/2017 10:27:33 AM
Here's a thought, and something that you can throw into the conversation of yours.

How is it, that a person that is "wanting" or "expecting" conversation or contact, can NOT actually bring up the subject with the other party? And I'm not talking about texting, messaging, FBing or whatever. I'm referring to face to face verbal conversation (confrontation) on the subject, with the actual party involved.

I'm sure you are not certain of the "results"of a face to face, thus the reason you haven't brought it up with him. It's one of those battles that we all learn to face. What we will "accept" and what we will not. As you age, you will gain the confidence and the ability to believe and act the way YOU want. You will also learn to "accept" what YOU will, and be happy with that, though it will sometimes lead you to confrontation, and sometimes a "loss" or two.

Are you willing to "lose"???? If not, you than, by default, it must "accept". If you can't "accept" than you will have to face the possibility of the loss.
 PollyR107
Joined: 4/8/2016
Msg: 21
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Do I have unrealistic contact expectations for my boyfriend?
Posted: 4/5/2017 11:44:45 AM
I understand how you feel , OP. Gives this article a read.

http://elitedaily.com/life/culture/why-men-dont-text-back/1253747/

Men don't think and communicate like us women do. A lot of them don't feel the need to have a little catch up every so often. You've been given excellent advice from other posters already. Be happy. Enjoy yourself regardless of your relationship status. If something unexpected happens, at least you've got your routines to hang on to for your own sanity.
 aintnodeal
Joined: 4/10/2016
Msg: 22
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Do I have unrealistic contact expectations for my boyfriend?
Posted: 4/5/2017 5:15:06 PM
A guy might see his wanker a few times a day to take a whiz. No contact in-between, and when it's time to whiz, he doesn't spend any time "catching up". He just wants to whiz, and get back to his life.

Your relationship sounds like this, i.e. FB.
 Kelligreeneyes
Joined: 3/5/2017
Msg: 23
Do I have unrealistic contact expectations for my boyfriend?
Posted: 4/5/2017 7:10:38 PM
During your next weekend together, when you are both relaxed and happy have an honest, down to earth conversation. I don't know what he said about engagement to you, but a guy who says anything about that is not a FWB. After 7 months there should be no game playing. You should be open and honest about what you both want. If you want more and he does not, then he's not the one for you. Which sucks because you really care for this guy. You also stated that you know he loves you. It does not sound like you really know that.
And you need to find out. He cannot read your mind. Maybe HE"S the one who does not want to make a wrong move and scare you off.
So have a talk without accusations of what he isn't doing vs what he is doing and what he used to do. Good luck.
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