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 IchbinIan
Joined: 1/19/2017
Msg: 1
Discussing Mutual Interests in MessagesPage 1 of 1    
I've been on POF for some time now and I have noticed something that I find fairly odd. Discussing mutual interests never seems to work. It seems like when I do this, after 2 or 3 messages I'll get no reply.

I find this odd because I am able to have relatively good success getting phone numbers and dates from women on POF, but they seem to always be with women who I share no real interests with. The messages that lead to phone numbers and dates usually begin with me sending the same line (2 sentences) followed by a smiley face. If I deviate from these two sentences plus smiley face or even add a third asking about a mutual interest, the response rate drops to near zero. From there on out, every message is me asking fairly boring and obvious questions with a couple compliments sprinkled in and eventually asking for a phone number.

My question is: What is a good way of going about messaging and being successful in finding people who share mutual interest? Ladies or gents, do you have any tips for doing so?

BTW-I'm not trying to get pity here or anything like that. I would just like to meet someone who shares interests with me.

Thank you.
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 2
Discussing Mutual Interests in Messages
Posted: 7/6/2017 3:28:14 PM

The messages that lead to phone numbers and dates usually begin with me sending the same line (2 sentences) followed by a smiley face.


This does show cut and paste messages can work for some men. That being said, I think the pictures and/or profile had a bigger impact than the email content.


Why do you feel you need to find a woman with the same interests as you?


I can only for speak for myself. But I rarely had type of success in dating when I had completely different interests or lifestyle than a woman. There simply weren't many things that we could talk about or do together.
 LOLTrump
Joined: 3/7/2017
Msg: 3
Discussing Mutual Interests in Messages
Posted: 7/6/2017 3:34:45 PM

I've been on POF for some time now and I have noticed something that I find fairly odd. Discussing mutual interests never seems to work. It seems like when I do this, after 2 or 3 messages I'll get no reply.


That is because there is little to no coloration between interests and attraction.

Just because you like X and she likes X, does not mean that is she more likely to be attracted to you than someone who does not like X.
 forumslady
Joined: 12/7/2016
Msg: 4
Discussing Mutual Interests in Messages
Posted: 7/6/2017 3:41:42 PM
Ichbinlan- As someone interested in something other than the superficial, I understand your frustration.
I, too, read profiles and look for mutual interests. I guess it works for some people, not having much in common. That wouldn't work for me. I don't need to share all my interests with someone, but sharing several would be nice.

Some people think men are the only ones on dating sites for hook ups/nsa, whatever. These people are WRONG.
It's highly likely you are coming across their female equivalent.
The kind that only look at photo's and/or couldn't care less about shared interests.

Your best bet: Focus on IRL. I'm on a meet up site in my area. I get messages about various groups and activities and I can go to the ones I'm interested in. I HIGHLY suggest you do something similar.
It makes more sense you will find someone who shares your interests in a meet up group based on those interests, rather than taking shots in the dark on a online dating site.
 2ufo2
Joined: 8/29/2016
Msg: 5
Discussing Mutual Interests in Messages
Posted: 7/6/2017 5:09:17 PM
Perhaps instead of mutual interests, perhaps you might look for similar interests or interests that niche together.

For example, you both walk out to the forest where you go fishing and she collects photographs.
Or, one watches TV while the other knits.
One games, the other reads.
 IchbinIan
Joined: 1/19/2017
Msg: 6
Discussing Mutual Interests in Messages
Posted: 7/6/2017 5:58:32 PM
I think it's interesting that some people see mutual interests important and other don't in finding a significant other. I can say from my own personal experience that I've had much more success with women I shared some interests with. I almost see it as necessary for things to really go anywhere. I've actually found myself being more attracted to a woman after having a good conversation with her about an interest we share. The reason I'm asking this question is because a lack of mutual interests seems to be the main reason things don't go anywhere.
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 7
Discussing Mutual Interests in Messages
Posted: 7/6/2017 7:12:24 PM
OP, seriously do you think ppl who have bad hygiene know that they do? Oddest thing I have ever seen
Marcello Mastroianni was great in 8 and 1/2
 aintnodeal
Joined: 4/10/2016
Msg: 8
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Discussing Mutual Interests in Messages
Posted: 7/6/2017 7:52:14 PM
Personality TRAITS matter more than stated interests.
Five (5) people can be interested in a sport:
1 - Buys season tickets and attends games
2 - Watches games on TV
3 - Wears team gear, buys related merchandise
4 - Knows someone who works in the field or for a team
5 - Fairweather fan that only shows enthusiam after local team is in playoffs or wins championship

Each of these represents a different type and degree of attachment to what happens in a sport.
- Do you want someone to go to games with you?
- Do you want someone to pick the right game of several on TV?
- Do you like to be around or be seen with people who sport a certain teams' logo?
- Do you want a personal contact/connection to people in the industry?
- Do you care little for any sport, but like to ramp up enthusiam for any team that's hot?

For a MATCH - you want a person who will be similar in enthusiasm for the same sports-related activities, no someone who will try to drag you out of your comfort zone. This is where a "match" becomes a "conflict".
 nba24
Joined: 4/11/2013
Msg: 9
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Discussing Mutual Interests in Messages
Posted: 7/7/2017 12:53:00 AM
I don't get how people can say that interest are not important. If you don't have a lot of things that you both like to do then what in the heck are you going to do/talk about? I love sports and play video games and outside of that I know very little. If a women didn't like sports and video games I would have like nothing to talk and do with her and would fell bored with her. I don't have a lot of interest with my friends but that is different because we get along while and with just a friendship you are not around the person has much. Even with friends it drives me nuts has when we hang out we like cant watch/play sports but we do have the video game thing in common. With a relationship you are going to be around the person more and so I would think that having the same interests would be even more important then with a friendship because with a relationship if you have little in common it is just going to drive you more nuts then with a friendship. For me not having some one to go to games with and to watch games fells like a big thing that is missing in my life and something I really want in a women.
 aintnodeal
Joined: 4/10/2016
Msg: 10
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Discussing Mutual Interests in Messages
Posted: 7/7/2017 1:50:11 AM

I don't get how people can say that interest are not important.

Some people are not looking for a FRIEND - they primarily want a MATE.
Their requirements for a MATE are to be stable, reliable, trustworthy, dutiful, productive, caring, supportive, healthy, respectful, & attentive.

NONE of those traits are interests, professions, or hobbies. Some people are comfortable with the CHARACTER TRAITS above and the details of their workday or free time are not crucial. When you read the FORUMS about relationships that fail, how many posts are about how someone's partner didn't like sport or video games?

How many are about one of the TRAITS listed above that a partner FAILED to have?
 Iredurbio2
Joined: 4/18/2013
Msg: 11
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Discussing Mutual Interests in Messages
Posted: 7/7/2017 2:22:56 AM
Have you been quoting Anais Nin
perhaps?
 nba24
Joined: 4/11/2013
Msg: 12
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Discussing Mutual Interests in Messages
Posted: 7/7/2017 8:37:53 AM
Character is very important to don't get me wrong but if you have no similar interest then I am going to find the person boring to be around and to be with someone you cant find them boring to be around and if you have no similar interest you are going to have nothing to talk about and that just means things are going to be very awkward being around them. At the same time I could meat some one and we could have similar interest but if I cant stand there character we are going to not work out either. I think you need both. I mean if you have no similar interest when you are not at work what in the heck are you going to do? Just spend time doing what you like to do away from the person all the time? But then what kind of a relationship is that? I don't want to not be able to do things I like just because the other person dosnt like them or have to do things all the time I don't like just because she likes them. I think a mate is like looking for a friend or for a more personal friend. I don't see how it is that different. I just don't get it. So people that are in a relationship and have nothing in common just stare at each other and never say any thing? Never have any thing to do together or talk about together? Just dosnt make any sinces to me.
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 13
Discussing Mutual Interests in Messages
Posted: 7/7/2017 9:03:03 AM

Some people are not looking for a FRIEND - they primarily want a MATE.
Their requirements for a MATE are to be stable, reliable, trustworthy, dutiful, productive, caring, supportive, healthy, respectful, & attentive..



If two people care about each other and share these common traits it can work


Sure these character traits are important. But these traits often can't be determined by an email conversation or a profile and there are often other factors in a relationship. For example, a man could have these traits and a woman won't respond to his email because she doesn't like his pictures, he's not tall enough, he doesn't have a college degree among other possible reasons.



When you read the FORUMS about relationships that fail, how many posts are about how someone's partner didn't like sport or video games?
How many are about one of the TRAITS listed above that a partner FAILED to have?


Common interests may not be a big reason why a long term relationship ended. However I have seen/heard people on the forums and elsewhere mention that they lost interest in someone after a few / handful of dates because they didn't have much in common with the other person. That can include interests, hobbies, lifestyle etc.
 PollyR107
Joined: 4/8/2016
Msg: 14
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Discussing Mutual Interests in Messages
Posted: 7/7/2017 9:41:12 AM
I agree with most posters that there must be something in common between 2 people to start a relationship. But these can be anything from hobbies, personality traits, job, goals in life etc.

I don't date people from the same profession, too much similarity. I prefer someone outside of the healthcare system because I get different perspectives of life in general. However, a number of my colleagues prefer people from the same work background as they have more understanding and tolerance of the odd hours we have to do. Well, we all have different preferences and that's what make us humans interesting. IMO.

I think common lifestyles are also very important. A night owl probably doesn't want to date a morning person. An extrovert will seek someone with a similar character. However, it's not healthy for both to share everything together in a relationship. I, on occasions, prefer some time apart from my SO to enjoy myself with or without friends.

Having some common interests may be good in the early stage of dating, at least you have something to talk about, stuff to do on a date. But attraction has little to do with common interests alone.

I share quite a few common interests with you, OP. But if we went out on a date, there would be no guarantee that we'd get on. It takes a lot more than just common interests to get a good relationship.
 sandwater
Joined: 4/2/2017
Msg: 15
Discussing Mutual Interests in Messages
Posted: 7/7/2017 10:10:55 AM
I think good character traits, having some common interests, and physical attraction are all important. I would not have a relationship with a man when at least one of these components are missing.
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 16
Discussing Mutual Interests in Messages
Posted: 7/7/2017 10:22:45 AM
^^^
Agreed sandwater. The exact order of importance can be debated. But I think these traits are all necessary in a relationship to at least some degree.
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