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 Justanotherchap
Joined: 12/4/2013
Msg: 1
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How to write your first messagePage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Those of us who have been on this particualr shelf for awhile will have seen loads of requests for help with getting a reply. This was in the guardian today - abbreviated of course - the whole article is here. https://soulmates.theguardian.com/blog/advice/online-dating-what-should-be-your-opening-message?INTCMP=gdnwb_copts_merchhgh_soulmates_network_front_openingmessage#.WaA2-D597IU - research was done by Soulmates website



Tone down the Netspeak - because intelligence (or maybe just good grammar) is an attractive trait in both sexes (lol and haha are OK but hehe is not)

Drop the polite “Hello” or "hi" come across as run of the mill and perhaps a bit boring.

Nothing Physical - implies shallowness

Talk about Interests - yours or theirs as long as your isn't weird

Ask a Question - Our subconscious tells us that it’s rude not to answer a question so your chances are increased ten fold by just asking. Even if it's for a dinner date

Let God take a back seat - obvious

Awkwardness (for guys) pays off - Putting yourself down or being a little shy or awkward can come across rather endearing. Whereas as over confidence can often be a turn off in a first message. Using the words, awkward, sorry, and apologise gets better results when sending a first message to a woman but not so to a man.
 Jacknher
Joined: 3/16/2017
Msg: 2
How to write your first message
Posted: 8/26/2017 2:02:32 AM
Most of that seems sensible.....but I never ever send a first message anyway.

And the last two first messages I got were both on the same day and from the same bloke. And both just said "Help"
 Justanotherchap
Joined: 12/4/2013
Msg: 3
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How to write your first message
Posted: 8/26/2017 2:29:43 AM
Did you ignore his plea?
 duracell_bunny_one
Joined: 1/21/2015
Msg: 4
How to write your first message
Posted: 8/26/2017 4:09:55 AM
......... not waving - drowning...........?

 Jacknher
Joined: 3/16/2017
Msg: 5
How to write your first message
Posted: 8/26/2017 11:02:38 AM

Did you ignore his plea?


I certainly did. But if he spammed enough women with the same message someone might have thrown him a rope.
 try1more
Joined: 12/16/2007
Msg: 6
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How to write your first message
Posted: 8/26/2017 11:47:30 AM
^^^^
is that with or without a noose :-)
 10ky
Joined: 11/15/2012
Msg: 7
How to write your first message
Posted: 8/26/2017 2:43:13 PM
Would also be good to know how to write the first message asking for s3x. I'm asking on behalf of my pal.
 capn_copacetic
Joined: 10/30/2017
Msg: 8
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How to write your first message
Posted: 4/29/2018 5:56:33 PM
Yes yes, I've gotten that advice.
A couple of websites also said
- Never say "How're you doing?" because everyone says that and you'll just get lost in the mix.
- Ask a couple questions specific to her profile to show you read it
- Don't just say "I've a great sense of humour" You actually have to show your great sense of humour in the email.

I've tried all of that and haven't received much in terms of responses.
I get the impression that whatever you say in the email won't matter.
 Justanotherchap
Joined: 12/4/2013
Msg: 9
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How to write your first message
Posted: 4/30/2018 2:16:51 AM
Gosh, we haven't been here for ages! It's the photo, get the photo right, everything else will follow.
 Squareslice
Joined: 10/17/2016
Msg: 10
How to write your first message
Posted: 4/30/2018 2:34:16 AM
a lass fae Norn Iron fell for me just cos how I type in ma vernacular.... sod the effin press

fugly gits can land beautiful women just by being natural
 Wrightbus71
Joined: 11/26/2017
Msg: 11
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How to write your first message
Posted: 4/30/2018 4:03:14 AM
If that's the case Squareslice then there is actually hope for me yet :-)
 lushbucket
Joined: 6/16/2008
Msg: 12
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How to write your first message
Posted: 6/18/2018 12:36:57 PM
"hows yer bum full of shit?" is a great opener
 acrosstheplains
Joined: 8/1/2017
Msg: 13
How to write your first message
Posted: 6/18/2018 2:47:01 PM
Nah
I usually bug, I mean message a particular section of the female pof population. I used to be endearing ,i.e shy and self effacing until one lady gave me the top gen on how to approach bodacious women.

Be polite, be respectful and respectable, show intelligence, be confident and self assured (never ever ask "do you date....?" )
Show that you have read and understood their profile and what they seek, and relate to that.
And squeeze a bit of humour in without being childish or crude.
Though don't be arrogant or boastful. If you're talking to a genuine person, more times than not they can tell if you're false. I know sometimes they still ignore you if you're genuine, and seemingly perversely respond to narcissists and frauds, but sometimes the human brain acts up
 Hotbeaching
Joined: 5/21/2017
Msg: 14
How to write your first message
Posted: 6/26/2018 10:26:13 AM
The funniest, in an odd way, message I had was from a guy who’s profile waxed lyrical about a scheme he’d devised and was making loads of money.
I told him he lived too far away, he was a Manc. He said he would send the car with his driver, ha ha, I said make sure he brings the gold card with him so I can nip to Harvey Nicks, them we’re the days....
 TR7V8Mike
Joined: 7/31/2018
Msg: 15
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How to write your first message
Posted: 8/14/2018 10:11:51 AM
I'd need to be convinced it actually matters TBH. I've never done just the "Hi" message, I'll always try and pick something from their profile of interest and make it a couple of lines long. But even with women that seem to match a lot of my likes, I get nothing back. Yet I've spoken to colleages who have just messaged "hey babe" and they get responses?! Go figure.

Or maybe I'm just more fugly than I thought :)
 Justanotherchap
Joined: 12/4/2013
Msg: 16
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How to write your first message
Posted: 8/14/2018 10:30:23 AM
There was an article about this in the Guardian last week. I meant to post about it but got derailed by work. You can look it up or just accept my summing up which is that women on dating ites in total reply to around 10% of emails from men but men reply to over 50% of total emails sent by women. How would you sum up those little factoids?
 TR7V8Mike
Joined: 7/31/2018
Msg: 17
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How to write your first message
Posted: 8/14/2018 10:52:14 AM
I can well imagine that, but I could also imagine that women get many more messages in total than us men do. I also suspect that many of those messages are not of the type they really want either.
 Spectrallight
Joined: 1/27/2018
Msg: 18
How to write your first message
Posted: 8/14/2018 11:45:53 AM

I'd need to be convinced it actually matters TBH. I've never done just the "Hi" message, I'll always try and pick something from their profile of interest and make it a couple of lines long. But even with women that seem to match a lot of my likes, I get nothing back. Yet I've spoken to colleages who have just messaged "hey babe" and they get responses?! Go figure.

Or maybe I'm just more fugly than I thought :)


Effort matters. No need for memoir effort. A paragraph is sufficient, and make it count.

If they're interested they will get back to you. They could be chatting to someone else.
 acrosstheplains
Joined: 8/1/2017
Msg: 19
How to write your first message
Posted: 8/14/2018 2:09:23 PM
unfortunately many people do look at the primary profile pic and delete unread shortly after.
But you might get a longer lasting relationship from a positive response to a decent first message than a kneejerk reaction to a good profile pic
 RoxyMoronic
Joined: 6/7/2016
Msg: 20
How to write your first message
Posted: 8/14/2018 3:33:09 PM
The absolute worst when you don’t have a pic is when you start chatting with someone and you’re thinking wey hey, then you both do the big reveal and bam! neither finds each other appealing.
I’ve only ever met one person off here as a blind date. I’d got pics up but he hadn’t. The date was one of the better ones I’ve had. He didn’t fancy me as it turns out.
 rekirked
Joined: 11/7/2017
Msg: 21
How to write your first message
Posted: 8/14/2018 4:01:10 PM
He must have been blind or a closet gayer
 RoxyMoronic
Joined: 6/7/2016
Msg: 22
How to write your first message
Posted: 8/14/2018 4:27:03 PM
Lol....he was a blind gay man of course :)
 TR7V8Mike
Joined: 7/31/2018
Msg: 23
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How to write your first message
Posted: 9/4/2018 10:09:55 AM

unfortunately many people do look at the primary profile pic and delete unread shortly after.

I've upgraded my account and I see hat's happened to the messages now. I seriously do not understand this at all.

POF shows they'e not viewed my profile, nor read the message, but it's been deleted. I must have about 25% of messages like this. I don't get pissed off easily, but either I don't understand how POF works and they can see the profile, but it not register as viewed, or these are some kind of fake accounts (they look legit to me). Either way I am seriously wondering if the effort I go to not to be the "Hi" guy is actually worth it.
 UKBunny
Joined: 8/10/2018
Msg: 24
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How to write your first message
Posted: 9/4/2018 10:23:49 AM
There's a massive amount of women online with 'princess' syndrome -
not looking for anyone, just want their egos stroked.
I gave up seriously looking on line years ago - at least in real life
you can see what you (might) be getting, not a picture nicked
from somewhere else............

 rekirked
Joined: 11/7/2017
Msg: 25
How to write your first message
Posted: 9/4/2018 11:46:26 AM

either I don't understand how POF works and they can see the profile, but it not register as viewed,



Mail settings
Allow a user to see that I viewed their profile:
Yes/No

The first thing you need to do is forget about your whole profile and consider yourself just a thumbnail, That's all any of us are on here (if you've got pics) In the searches you're a thumbnail, in someone's inbox you're a thumbnail, in matches you're a thumbnail. You are just an approx 40mm square pic in a sea of others.

For someone to want to click your thumbnail and see your whole profile it needs to be a good pic, if you're not photogenic next to no one will look at you and next to no one will read your message. You're skipped over in a sea of anonymity in searches/matches and ignored and bulk deleted in people's inbox. Basically you're stuffed.

That is a hard truth to learn about internet dating.
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