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Joined: 8/9/2017
Msg: 1
jokesPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
feel free to add one if inclined :)


Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present.

He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"

In a condescending manner, she says "Which Barbie?"

She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95,
Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95,
Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95,
Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95,
Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95
and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."

Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"

"That's obvious," the saleslady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."


Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'

'IMPOSSIBLE!' said the groom broom.

Joined: 8/9/2017
Msg: 2
Posted: 9/9/2017 2:27:53 PM
bought a new boomerang, still trying to throw the old one away


went to a barber’s shop for a haircut and a shave.

the barber asked me to put a small wooden ball in my mouth so he could get a closer shave around my cheeks.

i asked 'but what if I swallow the ball?'

barber replied 'no problem sir, just bring it back tomorrow like everybody else does.'


2 politicians talking to each other 'i don't know what people have against us - we haven't done anything.'
Joined: 8/9/2017
Msg: 3
Posted: 9/21/2017 2:00:31 PM
went to the doctors yesterday to get a vasectomy.

he said with a face like mine I don’t need one.


started the new ‘wine diet’ last week… it’s amazing! i’ve lost 3 days already!


Two rednecks were sitting in a bar discussing their favourite marital positions.

One of them says, "I think rodeo would have to my favorite".

The other one says, "I've never heard of that one, what is it?"

So the first guy says, "You sit on your wife's back with your hands on her boobs and say, 'these feel just like your sister's' and then you have to try and stay on for 8 seconds".
Joined: 8/9/2017
Msg: 4
Posted: 9/25/2017 3:32:14 AM
what an active audience we have here :)

redneck continued...

Q: What is a rednecks last words?


just deleted all the German names off of my phone, it's now Hans free


grandad walked into the room with his tackle out, smothered in boot polish

bless him, he misheard when we told him to turn his clock back


lonely pyromaniac still looking for a perfect match


2 dead canaries for sale at ebay

not going cheep


takes a lot of balls to play golf the way i do
Joined: 8/9/2017
Msg: 5
Posted: 9/28/2017 12:26:35 AM
wife asks husband 'what are you doing?'

husband replies 'nothing...'

wife replies 'nothing? you've been reading the marriage certificate for an hour'

husband replies 'i was looking for the expiration date'


the sperm bank staff gathered in the car park BEFORE the fire alarm started

was a premature evacuation
Joined: 8/9/2017
Msg: 6
Posted: 10/2/2017 2:24:23 AM
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 note fell out onto the footpath.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said,"Madam, there are $20 notes falling out of that bag.”

"Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. thanks for telling me, Officer.”

"Well now, not so fast," said the policeman. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?”

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know.

Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!’

"Well,that seems only fair," said the policeman, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh by the way, what’s in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."
Joined: 8/9/2017
Msg: 7
Posted: 11/4/2017 12:43:32 PM
went to the dentist last week, he said 'you need a crown'

finally, someone that understands me...


i started out with nothing, still have most of it


why should you never user a dull pencil?

because its pointless


a priest, a reverend, and a rabbi walk into a bar

the bartender says 'what's this, a joke?'
Joined: 8/9/2017
Msg: 8
Posted: 11/4/2017 12:45:55 PM
A virile, middle-aged, Italian guy named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment.

After a while they retired to his bedroom where he 'rattled' her in spectacular fashion. After a smoke and brief interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her again, and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly amid screams of passion.

Finally, Guido comes to a halt. He smiles and asks, "You finish?"

Once again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido, mustering all his strength and recuperative powers, cranks up for one final burst. In a wild, monumentally frenetic climax they end together, screaming, snorting, bucking, and ripping at the bed sheets.

Absolutely and completely buggered, Guido falls onto his back, gasping for air. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the blond whispers in his ear, "No, I'm Norwegian!"
Joined: 1/8/2018
Msg: 9
Posted: 1/24/2018 2:38:58 AM
wife calls the husband 'the cars overheating, what do i do?'

husband replies 'tell it you have a headache'
Joined: 1/8/2018
Msg: 10
Posted: 1/25/2018 8:48:26 PM
Five out of six people agree that Russian Roulette is safe.
Joined: 1/8/2018
Msg: 11
Posted: 2/1/2018 2:09:47 AM
Man walks into a Doctor's surgery with a strawberry on his head.

The Doctor says "I will give you some cream for that".
Joined: 1/8/2018
Msg: 12
Posted: 2/3/2018 2:54:49 AM
a couple in their 90's are both having problems remembering things.

during their regular checkup, the doctor tells them that they are both
physically ok but they might want to start writing things down to help
them remember...

later that night while watching tv, the old man gets up and says 'want
anything from the kitchen while i'm there?'

she says 'could you get me a bowl of ice cream please? but don't you think
you should write it down so you can remember it?'

he replies 'no, i'll remember it dear'

she says 'well, i'd like some strawberries on top of the ice cream, you
sure you don't want to write that down?'

he says 'i can remember that, a bowl of ice cream with strawberries on top.'

she says 'i'd also like some whipped cream on top of the strawberries,
surely you want me to write that down?'

irritated, he says 'you don't need to write that down, i CAN remember it,
ice cream, strawberries with whipped cream on top - i got it for goodness

then he toddles into to the kitchen.

20 minutes later, he returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate
of bacon and eggs...

she stares at the plate for a moment and says 'where's my toast?'
Joined: 1/8/2018
Msg: 13
Posted: 2/5/2018 11:01:59 AM
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box '

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
Joined: 1/8/2018
Msg: 14
Posted: 2/11/2018 5:06:12 PM
Bert and Beryl were both at a nursing home.

Beryl was 81, never married, Bert was 83 and widowed a few years previously.

they spent a lot of time together talking and chatting away when one day when they were going for a morning walk around the nursing home grounds.

during their walk and chat, Bert said to Beryl 'hey Beryl, whats say we go behind the bushes there and have a bit of quickie?'

Beryl thought about it and said 'Quickie, ok, lets go!'

so they went behind the bushes for about 15 minutes.

as they came out of the bushes, Bert said to Beryl 'Gee's Beryl, i didn't know you were a virgin'

Beryl replied 'Bert, had i'd known you could still get it up i would have taken off my pantyhose'
Joined: 1/8/2018
Msg: 15
Posted: 2/11/2018 5:23:27 PM
a woman was in labour with her first child.

things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, 'shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!'

the husband says the doctor 'what’s wrong with my wife?'

'Nothing' said the doctor 'she’s just having contractions'
Joined: 1/8/2018
Msg: 16
Posted: 2/17/2018 10:21:12 PM
It was visitor's day at the lunatic asylum.

All the inmates were standing in the courtyard singing "Ave Maria" and singing it beautifully.

Oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.

A visitor listened in wonderment to the performance and then approached the choir director. "I am a retired choir director," he said. "This is one of the best choirs I have ever heard."

Yes, I'm very proud of them," said the director.

"You should take them on tour!" said the visitor.

"What are they called"?

"Surely that must be obvious," replied the director.....

"They are the Moron Tapanapple Choir."
Joined: 1/8/2018
Msg: 17
Posted: 2/21/2018 12:24:10 PM
An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a
car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to
her interest in healthy food and exercising. When they reached the Pearly
Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a
beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi. As they looked around,
the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," St. Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style golf
course where the home was located. They would have golfing privileges
every day and each week, the course would be changed to represent
different golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "What are the green

St. Peter replied, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the
cuisines of the World laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" St. Peter replied,
with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man
asked timidly.

St. Peter lectured, "That's the best part - you can eat as much as you
like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick.
This is Heaven."

With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and
stomping on it, and screaming wildly. St. Peter and his wife both tried to
calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and yelled, "This is all your fault! If it
weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years
Joined: 1/8/2018
Msg: 18
Posted: 3/2/2018 1:02:19 PM
One hot summer night in 1960, Steve had his first date with Susie.

He went to pick her up and her mom answered the door. She invited him in, and asked him what they planned to do on their date.

Steve replied that they’d probably see a movie then get a burger.

Susie’s mom said, “Well, Susie really likes to screw.”

Steve said, “Huh?”

Her mom said, “Yes, she loves it. She could probably screw all night.”

“Okay, thanks!” replied Steve, mentally rearranging his plans for the night.

A few minutes later Susie came downstairs and they left on their date.

About a half hour later Susie came running back in the house, her clothes disheveled, and yelled:

“Mom, it’s called the TWIST! The name of the goddamn dance is the TWIST!”
Joined: 1/8/2018
Msg: 19
Posted: 3/5/2018 1:30:28 AM
on the radio this morning

a nurse was doing her round of patients in the morning, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her top pocket, looks at it and says 'some ass hole has got my pen...'


q - whats the difference between an oral thermometer and an anal thermometer?

a - the taste
Joined: 7/1/2017
Msg: 20
Posted: 3/7/2018 8:30:47 AM

a woman was in labour with her first child.

things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, 'shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!'

the husband says the doctor 'what’s wrong with my wife?'

'Nothing' said the doctor 'she’s just having contractions'

That's funny<<<<<

Joined: 1/8/2018
Msg: 21
Posted: 3/7/2018 1:22:07 PM
a door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman manages to bull his way into a woman's home in a rural area.

'this machine is the best ever' he exclaims, whilst pouring a bag of dirt over the lounge floor.

the woman says she's really worried it may not all come off, so the salesman says 'if this machine doesn't remove all the dust completely, i'll lick it off myself'

she says 'do you want tomato sauce on it? we're not connected for electricity yet!'
Joined: 1/8/2018
Msg: 22
Posted: 3/10/2018 2:42:22 PM
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man."

"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "?
Joined: 1/8/2018
Msg: 23
Posted: 3/17/2018 1:38:32 AM
why does the Norway navy have bar codes on the sides of their ships?

so when they come back to port they can scandinavian


wasn't able to make reservations at the library, they were completely booked


my friends says there is a gay guy in our circle of friends... i really hope it's Todd, he's cute.


was walking the dogs when all of a sudden they vanished into thin air?
not sure where they went, but I've got some leads


bought a dog from the local blacksmith. When i got it home it made a bolt for the door
Joined: 1/8/2018
Msg: 24
Posted: 3/21/2018 12:45:59 AM
a man tells his doctor 'doc, help me, i’m addicted to twitter!'
the doctor replies, 'sorry, i don’t follow you …'
Joined: 1/8/2018
Msg: 25
Posted: 3/21/2018 12:49:19 AM
you do know cats have 9 lives, makes them perfect for experimentation


love cats, care to exchange recipies?


honestly, i do like cats, just couldn't eat a whole one :-)
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