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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > We moved in and now I am all alone in his house      Home login  
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 greatgal1977
Joined: 3/1/2017
Msg: 1
We moved in and now I am all alone in his housePage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Long story short we met on another site three years ago, went on a few dates but stayed just friends after. We kept in touch and went out to see a movie once in a while.

Anyhow, about seven month ago, we decided to give it another go. We have so much in common. Before long, we were always texting and phoning each other, were meeting each other 3-4 times a week, and were spending almost every weekend together. Things were going great.

All out of the blue he asked me to move in with him three month ago. I told him a flat no because it was way too soon. He understood and didn't push me for a while. A month ago, he asked me again and since things were going great, and although I had lots of fears and doubts, I said yes. We talked about these fears and doubts and he assured me that he would love us to take the next step in our relationship.

In the past, I’ve only lived once with a guy. I lived by myself about all my life and this is how I like it. I did post about that experience somewhere on this board. I really don't need to live with someone and really enjoy the privacy of my own home. He assured me that I have nothing to worry about and that we would work through the challenges of living together.

I moved into his house last Sunday and he seemed ecstatic. He helped me to move my stuff in. I still had my doubts but again and again he assured me that everything would be fine.

We both work full time but get off around 5 pr 6 pm. Well, on Monday after work he went to the gym. Came home very late. Left me all alone in his house. On Tuesday, he went out with his friends, came home very late. On Wednesday, he went out with his friends again, came late again. On Thursday and Friday.... well, same thing. On Saturday, he left early in the morning and came late in the evening. We spent Sunday together. Yesterday, same thing. Came home very late. He also has plans for today, tomorrow and the day after tomorrow which don't include me. It seems like he is living his life and avoiding me now. Intimacy? What intimacy?

I've talked to him about it yesterday when he came in and found out that he's been talking to a physiologist about us and fear of us living together. I've offered to move out but he told me no. He wants us to be together.

I am not clingy at all. I do have a life of my own (well, maybe not for the last week). I don't expect us to be 24/7 together but we do need to spend some time together, right? Since we are living together now, should I be seeing more of him, not much less? Am I wrong here? Shouldn't we act as a couple now, do things together? We never had problem doing things together before. I did cancel all my plans with the friends/gym/other things for the last week and this one because I wanted to concentrate more on us (mistake perhaps).

Why did he ask me to move in if he has doubts? I did give him plenty of opportunities to forget the whole thing before actually moving in.

What are your thoughts and opinions about this? What should I say to him about all this? Do you think things will get better or only get worse?

Although I did have a lot of doubts about us living together, I was ready to put my best effort into it. I was prepared for things to get challenging but I didn’t expect to him to totally ignore me so soon. Perhaps it was too soon for us to live together. I don't know how if I know him and his personality at all or it was all a pretense on his part.

Please help me understand where he is coming from here. What to do?
 MsSkeezix
Joined: 7/1/2017
Msg: 2
We moved in and now I am all alone in his house
Posted: 9/19/2017 9:52:10 AM
Maybe he was looking for a maid/chief cook and bottle washer. And occasional bedmate. IDK
Hope you haven't unpacked your boxes yet...
 greatgal1977
Joined: 3/1/2017
Msg: 3
We moved in and now I am all alone in his house
Posted: 9/19/2017 9:54:48 AM

Maybe he was looking for a maid/chief co
ok and bottle washer. And occasional bedmate. IDK
Hope you haven't unpacked your boxes yet...
I am starting to think so now too. It's like he is a different person now. I haven't unpacked completely yet, lol.
 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 4
We moved in and now I am all alone in his house
Posted: 9/19/2017 11:56:47 AM
Wtf?!

He's paying the mortgage and protecting you.

Cut him some slack

I'd be in heaven with this setup
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 5
We moved in and now I am all alone in his house
Posted: 9/19/2017 2:10:14 PM
usually "playing house" comes from a desire to be together. It wouldn't be out of bounds to sit him down and get some clear, serious answers. Really, if you scare him off by doing so...what did you lose? a flaky housing arrangement? Might as well get out of it on your terms. My best friend's son was thinking about letting his gf move in, and the jerk waited until her lease ran out in NYC to say he was changing his mind and the relationship, so she had to hurry to find a new place in NYC.

If this guy is sure about what he wants, he'll have answers. If he doesn't...well, you're putting your eggs into that kind of a basket. Does that make you feel comfortable? If so, then roll the dice and see what happens. But if you like predictability in life...might as well find out now how long you're going to get a straight answer, right?

just b/c he wants something (to be together) doesn't mean he'll do the work. Lots of people want mansions, but how many earn what it takes to live in one? We all have stuff we want.
 MizPurl
Joined: 6/11/2016
Msg: 6
We moved in and now I am all alone in his house
Posted: 9/19/2017 2:42:33 PM

We both work full time but get off around 5 pr 6 pm. Well, on Monday after work he went to the gym. Came home very late. Left me all alone in his house. On Tuesday, he went out with his friends, came home very late. On Wednesday, he went out with his friends again, came late again. On Thursday and Friday.... well, same thing. On Saturday, he left early in the morning and came late in the evening. We spent Sunday together. Yesterday, same thing. Came home very late. He also has plans for today, tomorrow and the day after tomorrow which don't include me. It seems like he is living his life and avoiding me now. Intimacy? What intimacy?

This is a joke...right? You need to ask what to do...come on.
 sun___flower
Joined: 5/8/2015
Msg: 7
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History
We moved in and now I am all alone in his house
Posted: 9/19/2017 3:49:51 PM
I just read some of your posting history. Why not read through it and follow your own advice?
 aintnodeal
Joined: 4/10/2016
Msg: 8
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History
We moved in and now I am all alone in his house
Posted: 9/19/2017 5:22:26 PM
Watch POLTERGEIST and "Get OuuuuuuuTTT!!!" He had his chance, go back to what suits you. YOU were sincere, HE WAS NOT.
 five-marie
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 10
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We moved in and now I am all alone in his house
Posted: 9/19/2017 7:16:43 PM
Leaving you alone on your first night is just rude. All these things, gym, friends, are just an excuse not to go home. No excuse for this behaviour. You know this, why you're asking.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 11
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We moved in and now I am all alone in his house
Posted: 9/19/2017 7:22:53 PM
I don't think talking to a physiologist is likely to help with fears of anything. Hopefully it was a psychiatrist.

Okay. We have a guy who wanted very much to have you move in with him. You expressed a great resistance to it, fear essentially of too much loss of privacy (?) He reassures you verbally. Then you do move in, and he appears to work at staying away from you. He's seeing a "physiologist" to help him with HIS fears about living together.

The math of all that doesn't add up to a guy who wants a live in maid, and certainly not a sex-on-demand scenario. It reminds me more of a sort of mixed collection of social fears all mooshed together, and crossed up with his attempts to "solve" the problems himself.

I've seen lots of people try to "fix" worries in their lives, by going overboard in various ways. The classic that we once saw before society got more open, was a gay person in denial, who would rush to get married to prove to themselves that they weren't really gay. These days, I could easily imagine a guy who is trying hard to both overcome his own fear of intimacy, and to "prove himself" to you, might push harder than HE wants for you to move in; and then afterwards, use your own trepidations as an excuse to give in to his own avoidance behaviors, by saying to himself "I'll not only prove I'm serious about this relationship, I'll prove that she doesn't need to worry about me crowding her too much, by making sure I'm busy elsewhere almost all the time!!!!"
 backcreek7
Joined: 12/2/2014
Msg: 12
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We moved in and now I am all alone in his house
Posted: 9/19/2017 7:26:38 PM
" he's TALKING to a physiologist "
Ahh that explains it all ~ They're checkin' out his brain function & activity, looking close at his living matter. After that, there will be a quick review of his organs, tissues & cells - They need to make sure, his physical and chemical phenomena is jiving correctly with his organic processes.
Yep ~ OMG ! Normally, when people start tampering with this kind of stuff ^ ... they end up treating their partners like shit, it's a known fact !
You gotta leave right away, it will be the best decision you've ever made !
 backcreek7
Joined: 12/2/2014
Msg: 13
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We moved in and now I am all alone in his house
Posted: 9/19/2017 7:29:50 PM
^^^ so sorry amigo, I hadn't seen your post mr. frank !
 dpwesu
Joined: 3/25/2013
Msg: 14
We moved in and now I am all alone in his house
Posted: 9/20/2017 4:14:45 AM
WTF????

OP.....if I were you.....I'd pack up and leave immediately and cease all contact with this azzhole...........
 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 15
We moved in and now I am all alone in his house
Posted: 9/20/2017 4:37:44 AM
OP, dress up the house with Swedish Textiles and wear a French Maid outfit.
 PennyAnte
Joined: 4/17/2016
Msg: 16
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We moved in and now I am all alone in his house
Posted: 9/20/2017 9:19:28 AM
Get busy. Just get busy creating your own agenda. You let him convince you that it was all good and now you are unhappy. Do things that make you happy. If he is going to treat you like a roommate now and not his girlfriend. Respond in kind. Do you. Take a course, pick up a hobby, delve into a good book, go out with friends all night.

He has you put. He knows where you are and you seem to be at his beckon call. Just there like a piece of furniture now that he knows is going to be there after he does whatever the f8ck he wants.

Turn the tables.. Make him pin you down and make him ask you when he can spend time with you. Be tooooo busy for HIM! You haven't been there a week and he is taking you for granted.

It reminds me of an old nursery rhyme:

Peter, Peter, pumpkin-eater,
Had a wife and couldn’t keep her;
He put her in a pumpkin shell,
And there he kept her very well.
 Butterchickenchuck
Joined: 9/18/2015
Msg: 17
We moved in and now I am all alone in his house
Posted: 9/20/2017 9:22:25 AM
^^^^^

Shouldn't they have used the word " ate " instead of " kept " in the last line ?


haha
 _babblefish
Joined: 9/23/2011
Msg: 18
We moved in and now I am all alone in his house
Posted: 9/20/2017 12:30:39 PM

This is a joke...right? You need to ask what to do...come on.


i know ...eh

this whole thing screams garage sale
 beercookies
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 19
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We moved in and now I am all alone in his house
Posted: 9/20/2017 10:29:36 PM
Is this a financial arrangement? Who is paying for what? Maybe he wants you to do half the expenses, but does not give a damn, as that's what his actions say. If he pays the rent, then, he's just effing got psychological problems you should get away from. As a mature adult, you should know better than just take somebody's word but all their behavior says otherwise. Should have listened to your gut and not given away all your autonomy, unless you have money to spare moving in and out of homes.

To me, that is a huge step, and only taken, not with some fruit loop online you date for a little bit, but a ltr where you know each other well,and have a track record. Or, you end up at someone's mercy when you have no solid relationship. Moving in is a commitment, and you guys weren't at that stage...likely you would have found out via dating that he is Effin weird. Cannot deal with nonsensical scenarios like this. I mean you could try to demand some answers but again, how long did you even date this person, really and now you have serious problems. I think move out, and wouldn't even date him again. What he did was insulting or shady on a lot of levels. Makes you wonder if he has a secret life or double life.
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 20
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Time to move, again
Posted: 9/21/2017 7:13:00 PM
I don't understand why you moved in with him. That's the problem right there. Look to yourself, not him. He's just living his life. This relationship is based on.......what? No, it probably won't get better. You're not even in 100%, why are you expecting more from him? You don't move in with someone unless you love each other, at the very least. What are you offering him? None of this makes sense.
 LucilleDixon
Joined: 12/18/2016
Msg: 21
Time to move, again
Posted: 9/22/2017 7:40:50 PM
I could have written this post myself. About 2 years ago, there was a guy who I was talking to and he wanted us to move in together. It was long distance but I flew down to visit and stayed for about 3 weeks. Almost immediately, It was was clear that it wasn't going to work. While I was there, the whole set up was very similar to what you wrote. He was messy, inconsiderate, left me at his apartment all day, it was just a mess. When I came back home, I broke it off. A few months later, he texts me trying to make the offer yet again. I declined and went on about my business.

I'm with everyone that said get out. You honestly don't sound too happy with the set up so why even stick around? What are you gaining besides a headache?
 L_LuuLuu
Joined: 8/2/2009
Msg: 22
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Time to move, again
Posted: 9/23/2017 1:53:51 PM
Why ask why?

Instead, wait till he's "gone to the gym" and go look for a new residence.

When you have found your new home, wait till he leaves for work. Then move every single thing that's yours out.

Text block him. Call Block him. Unfriend him. De-twit him, whatever.

Then let HIM sit and wonder why?

I wasn't there, so I can't assign any blame. But he's not for you as he is.

Find someone else who truly cares for you. And doesn't need a psychologist. Or physiologist. Whichever.

There's someone more suitable out there. Don't miss out while you're stuck with him.
 a88ie100
Joined: 8/26/2017
Msg: 23
We moved in and now I am all alone in his house
Posted: 9/27/2017 3:21:49 AM
I think OP is wasting their time.

And id be careful of guys wanting to move in too soon.... It usually ends bad.
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 24
We moved in and now I am all alone in his house
Posted: 10/16/2017 11:08:13 AM
Plenty of couples live apart, even married couples, so it's not a problem. It sounds like you two had a good thing going, but messed it all up.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 25
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History
We moved in and now I am all alone in his house
Posted: 10/16/2017 2:34:19 PM

I've talked to him about it yesterday when he came in and found out that he's been talking to a physiologist about us and fear of us living together. I've offered to move out but he told me no. He wants us to be together.

Because if you moved out -- you two would basically be broken up. If not immediately, in the very near future. That's what happens over 95% of the time to couples of all types.

Why did he ask me to move in if he has doubts? I did give him plenty of opportunities to forget the whole thing before actually moving in.

He was into the idea on paper. He wanted to escalate the Relationship. But then after you moved in, after the excitement that you were, he was then like "Oh, wait. What's this moving-in together thing like, again?" People can be like that when they like the idea of something that the other isn't so keen on... makes them like it more than they actually do underneath it all. Then when they get it and the dust settles, it isn't as good (doesn't mean BAD, but the Umph was about the chase itself).

I don't expect us to be 24/7 together but we do need to spend some time together, right? Since we are living together now, should I be seeing more of him, not much less?

Well, yeah. I think sometimes people with no intentions, Because they're Living-With the other, can end up spending less time "out" with them. But there's a little more to it than that, of course. As he said, he's seeing a therapist about his issues living together... so yeah, he is going to want to get out of the house more during this figuring-out thing.

I would advise you BOTH go out a lot -- that way he experiences you Outside the house and not isolated as, sigh, "the girl" I have to come home to, ya know?
 forumslady
Joined: 12/7/2016
Msg: 26
We moved in and now I am all alone in his house
Posted: 10/16/2017 5:43:35 PM
greatgal1977- beercookies (post#20)came closet to what I suspect............
Did you give him money when you moved in, or did you agree to share expenses, or both?
If the answer is yes, you just got taken for a ride.
Save as quickly as you can, get out and cut off contact.
If no, something is still VERY wrong.
Sit him down, express, (calmly) what you have said here and see what he says, then see what he DOES and that is key. Unless something major changes, you should move out, ASAP.
(All this time I've been gone and people STILL move in with other people when they have doubts, UNREAL. The more things change, the more they stay the same)
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