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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > What should I do with my life?      Home login  
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 Sareloth
Joined: 9/21/2017
Msg: 1
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What should I do with my life?Page 1 of 1    
Hey folks, I recently posted a review thread on here since I'm trying to figure out how to do better. However, this isn't related to my profile in any way, but more to the last sentence I posted in there....

Basically I've been emotionally, physically and sexually abused for years as a child by a close family member.

This included frequent, daily beatings, touching, sexual favours, restrictions, demeaning, verbal abuse, being locked up in my bedroom and the house.... You get the idea. I was very very rarely allowed to spend time outside, and the more this progressed, I lost the desire to even talk to other people at all. I've never been supported in anything by any other family member either.

This has obviously spread into my social adult life. I've never kissed nor hugged a girl. And anything sexual brings out the anxiety. I've gone to a bar couple times but it was very difficult. I've gone to a party once and it was very tiring. Emotionally. I've never had a one night stand... Just nothing. This is in fact so bad that I can't even flirt with a girl that's interested. I can't make simple jokes, nothing. I don't think I've ever made a move or even faintly touched another female in my life even when I felt like she's interested. I have been told I'm very attractive before and If anything it makes me feel sad.

Recently I've started to compare myself to other guys.... A lot. I switched jobs and I get to talk to young guys who are 18/19 years old and they make me feel completely inferior and sad. So my question is... is there anybody here who could give me an advice as to what to do, how to behave, how to impress or to get someone's attention? Is there anyone here who has been severely abused in their childhood as well? Normally I'm a happy person but the last couple months have been a nightmare for me. I've started to contemplate suicide, because I feel absolutely useless as a man.

I still have my sexual needs and desires, or just desires of any kind of human affection. It's just so difficult to deal with.

Also, I'll be honest... I'm not necessarily looking for a romantic relationship, not that I DON'T WANT one, because trust me, I would love one. It's more that I feel I'm not completely ready to be a normally functioning boyfriend, and just have all these issues that I don't want to pass onto my partner and also don't want to end up being even more hurt as a result.

I just want to find anyone, willing to show me some affection, prove to me that I DON'T have to worry about anything. That I don't have to be scared anymore or worried or just stressed out by human interaction and sexuality. Someone I can spend time with and let go of all my barriers created by the past that haunts me.

Please... Is there anyone who can help me with any kind of advice?

PS: Yes, I've tried many therapists. Psychologists and Psychiatrists both. I first started going when I was 15. Nothing has ever helped me to this day.
 AKA_Nobody
Joined: 9/4/2017
Msg: 2
What should I do with my life?
Posted: 9/27/2017 1:36:06 AM
I responded to your post in Profile Reviews.

You do need some type of therapy, whether it's a Sexual Abuse Support group, a therapist/counsellor, psychiatrist, or psychologist. If you've been away from it for a while, you might find that you're more open to searching for and finding proper professional support that can help you. And yes, some times it's trial and error to find a good fit. But it needs to be done. Your mental health is important; you know this.

As I said in the other thread, finding someone special is not going to help until you feel special yourself.

I wish that I could be more eloquent and provide answers to your questions, but I've said all I can. Please consider it.
 bobbyjo101
Joined: 5/13/2017
Msg: 3
What should I do with my life?
Posted: 9/27/2017 1:03:21 PM
It is hard for anyone to break the ice, even if they had a totally normal childhood. One good piece of advice I've heard is to talk to to people you are not attracted to to learn how to converse with strangers. Then practice talking to girls without asking them out. You will get rejected just like everyone else does. You won't die from rejection, but you will feel a sense of accomplishment for having tried, and you never have to see that person again.

You could take a day trip to a town you don't live in, and practice getting rejected there, where no one will ever see you again.

You have to be proactive, and start from the bottom, to gain the skills you need to be able to interact with women and find a meaningful relationship.

Read self help stuff, to try to learn how to move forward in life.

Your past doesn't have to ruin the rest of your life. My family member was raped by her father her entire childhood and beaten and locked in cages as well. She managed to get married more than once to men that loved and cared about her.
What should I do with my life?
Posted: 9/27/2017 4:15:42 PM
http://www.connectnetwork.ca/does-someone-you-know-need-connect/sexual-abuse/
 Yule_liquor
Joined: 12/7/2011
Msg: 5
What should I do with my life?
Posted: 9/27/2017 4:33:42 PM
@ Op


PS: Yes, I've tried many therapists. Psychologists and Psychiatrists both. I first started going when I was 15. Nothing has ever helped me to this day.


what you wrote in your profile stands in contrast to what you put up on this thread...it doesn't sound like the same person by any stretch.

What I would tell you is to go back to therapy....but perhaps what you might need is group therapy.
You need to hear other pple's experiences because it does not seem you have the tools and means to do this on your own...you are just fooling yourself if you think you can, or if you think there is some quick fix from somebody on these forums.

You need the right kind of help to overcome this...before you get any older.
 Sareloth
Joined: 9/21/2017
Msg: 6
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What should I do with my life?
Posted: 9/27/2017 10:17:26 PM
To be honest I wouldn't even look at my profile. Most of it there is pretty much just dreams and desires and a brief description of a person I want to be, with more people around me, which I'm unable to do. Some parts I'm already working on but it doesn't do much as I do everything on my own all the time. It's really difficult to properly describe my current feelings. It was also very hard to write all this down here and I pretty much cried myself to sleep afterwards.

With that being sad, thank you all for your responses and input.
 Sareloth
Joined: 9/21/2017
Msg: 7
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What should I do with my life?
Posted: 9/27/2017 10:25:35 PM
Also... I forgot to add... To be more specific... I'm past the point where I can't really talk to people at all... Or women.

I mean. I can still have a normal friendly conversation or just small talk, albeit very difficult, with a woman I find attractive. The problem starts when there's any kind of sexual energy or projection. A tease, a flirt, even a harmless joke that pokes fun at me... that's when all my anxiety comes back to me and I start blaming myself again for everything, I start thinking about being useless, I start thinking about my fears... It sends me into an endless circle of despair.

That's why I wanted to try and get some help here as well. I'm sorry, I'm just not sure what to do anymore.
 Nezz123
Joined: 9/6/2011
Msg: 8
What should I do with my life?
Posted: 10/15/2017 11:39:55 AM
First, give yourself some credit. You survived a nightmare and came out of it a good person from what I can see. Many people are given every advantage when they're young and grow up with no desire to live up to any standard. They just bully or intimidate to get what they want. You don't seem like that, and that sir refers to your inherent high worth. Good people are valuable people. It's that simple.

Secondly, it's meaningless to compare yourself to other guys. Whatever achievements or merits they have don't take away from yours. It hurts to watch others enjoy what we want, and for that goal to feel so close and yet unreachable. But it doesn't mean we aren't worthy or could never achieve it ourselves. Besides, I never thought having lots of sex or "conquests" was particularly cool. It's a bit like bragging about travelling the world, visiting 57 countries and never going outside the airports.

But if you do know someone you truly look up to--who lives a worthwhile life--take that as an opportunity to study how he or she did it. Be curious about it, like if you were learning a sport. Which, by the way, will result in totally ridiculous, totally normal mistakes and bloopers which we all learn from (experts included).
As for ways to impress people.....that's easy. The best way to do it is to learn how to do something (even one thing) really well and to have an active life. You could learn practically anything: drawing, foreign language, fishing, cooking, backcountry hiking, juggling, etc. Playful humility and a reknowned skill definitely gets people's attention. Even so, figuring out how to relate to others is probably more important than learning to impress them. Often we bond with people who really *get& us, and make us feel seen, rather than with impressive strangers.

The right kind of person for you exists--someone awesome with whom you can safely open boundaries. To find that person is hard for most if not all of us. We all have to be brave, take calculated risks, and do what it takes to become the kind of person we ourselves can believe in.

In my case, nobody could have told me that I was worthwhile (even though it was true). I had to show myself I could travel alone, win friends, silence rivals, solve problems, and actually help people who were worse off than me. That gave me the guts to go after what I wanted more, achieve wins, and to be okay when things blew up in my face on occasion XD!
So build that first! Keep people around you who will remind you of your value when you forget, but also go prove it to yourself by doing something bad@ss. I recommend something athletic. It's good for you, and you're guarenteed results if you stick with it. Prove to yourself you can do that, and pretty soon you'll start to realize, "Daag. I'm pretty tough. I wonder what else I can do?" ^___^
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 9
What should I do with my life?
Posted: 10/16/2017 6:19:52 AM
the reason everyone suggests more therapy is, if you go into relationships needing something from the other person, then you just open yourself to more abuse. In your OP you mentioned you haven't had a one night stand, but also that you aren't looking for a relationship. You're looking for a hookup, but when that leads to the eventual dumping...how's that going to feel? And if the person uses you for sex, how's that going to feel as well?

you are starting from further behind, yes. And comparing yourself to teenagers who rarely do things out of maturity won't help if you wish to do things that require maturity. They may have a number of drunken hookups. They may be totally lying/bragging. If you don't want to be stressed out by human interaction, perhaps the first place to start is to find your inner strength. Learn that no matter what happens, you CAN bounce back from it. No one can avoid everything life throws at them, strength is determined by whether you bent or you broke. After that, learn to treat yourself with respect, and then when you know what it looks like, you'll recognize it when others treat you the same way...and those are the ones you can gravitate towards. You'll also have to understand something few do...we all have our own problems to solve, and we always focus on those problems before we try to fix the problems of others.

If you are physically good looking, and women are flirting with you...you'll eventually learn which ones you can share your handicap with, and they can decide if they want to take you on, or if they are scared of someone with that much fear. of course you'll have to avoid the women who would use it against you (as you fear), but again, once you learn to recognize respectful behavior, you'll know who is out to abuse you and who isn't. there's a video running around YouTube about a $20 bill, that no matter how crumpled or torn it gets, no matter what it was used to buy by the previous owner...we still will accept that $20 bill if someone hands it to us. A higher power gave it worth, and we accept its worth without questioning its physical condition or who's pocket it was in last.
 forumslady
Joined: 12/7/2016
Msg: 10
What should I do with my life?
Posted: 10/16/2017 6:17:22 PM
Sareloth- You aren't going to be ready for a relationship until you address your past.
I know you said you have tried therapy before and it didn't help, but I'm going to suggest it anyway.
You went through SO much, it can not be dealt with in a few sessions.
You will need years to come to terms with your childhood, your abuse.
KNOW that you did nothing wrong. I can't express how sorry I am that you went through this. You are not alone, many have been through the same thing and recovered and lived good lives.
Don't give up on therapy just because you don't see instant relief. Keep going, if after maybe a year you still feel stuck, only then consider trying another therapist. For sure, give it 6 months, minimum.
If you are determined not to try therapy again, find a sexual abuse survivor's group. GO, listen to others story's, when you feel you can, share your story.
Getting it out and being around others who have been through it too WILL help you, more than you know.
Only when you have reached the point where you feel mentally and spiritually healed should you consider a relationship, or dating.
It's too important for you to focus on your self right now, on healing.
GO, please!
 magicstillaroundme
Joined: 10/2/2017
Msg: 11
What should I do with my life?
Posted: 10/18/2017 1:04:00 PM
These therapy people really drank the Kool Aid. What's done is done. The only way to really deal with it is to try to protect yourself from the after effects. Can't do much about the self imposed tortures just yet but you can do something about the crap other people throw at you. There are lots of ways to handle it but one way, that I have found useful, is to get super touchy about certain topics. "No, I won't talk about it. So, do you want to make something of it fool?" Backs most people off of sore subjects.

Msg 9 is correct for the most part but I'll add a little something... Social success is a byproduct of other kinds success. Most men don't understand this, hence, why they are here. You could be the meekest, most socially inept mega introvert the world has ever seen but if you are part of something awesome the slickest and most outgoing extrovert can't compete with you.

First, forget about developing social skills. You don't need to develop them. They accumulate as you do something else. Next find something that you like to do and throw yourself into it one hundred percent. It could be anything that isn't totally solitary. What worked for me was singing. I went to every karaoke night, took voice lessons and watched old Dean Martin videos to try to copy his stage presence and swagger. I never got to professional level but I got to be the best in my area and people were drawn to it. Some were even women. Like I say, what you do can be almost anything so long as you are all in and you don't pick pvssy begging for your skill.

A lot is said about confidence in these forums. Being the best at something goes a long way toward that.
 nba24
Joined: 4/11/2013
Msg: 12
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What should I do with my life?
Posted: 10/19/2017 1:55:01 AM
I don't know man I can relate to this for several reasons.

1. I am not good with people in general shy guy
2. Around women in general it is worse even if it is not one I am really attracted to or any thing has I don't even have like a female friend so my experience around women is small.
3. Kind of goes with 1 but even if a women where to be like trying to make a move on me I am most likely not going to even be able to tell.
4. I can only think of like 2 women that had a interest in me and both I was either not attracted to or already know we have nothing in common or both.
5. Kind of goes with 4 but I fell like women who I am attracted to don't fell the same way so its one sided attractiveness. I saw this because of the fact that both women that I have known that had a thing for me I didn't find attractive and because of what I said in 4 and also because even the women that have like messaged me on hear and some other dating sites are the ones I don't find attractive. I never like get a message from someone I find attractive.
6. Don't have a lot of friends only a few and that makes being single more lonely and harder plus if you know more people its more likely you are going to meet someone threw a friend or something.
7. Ever one I know it fells like is either married, engaged or as a BF or GF. This makes me compare my self and the odd thing is I have heard people are like getting married at a older age now like more like 30 less like in there early mid 20's yet its fells like ever one I know got married between like 22-28.
8. I have the kind of mind and personality that over thinks ever thing cant shut my mind off which just leads me to questing if I should do something or not and also leads to me comparing my self more.
9. This kind of goes with 7 but if fells like ever time I see a attractive women no matter where it is they are with a guy. Now yeah sure some times it could just be a brother or cousin they are hanging out with or something but who knows. Point being that it just fells like it is hard to even find a attractive women that is not with a guy that is around my age.
10. This ties into 9 but it fells like if it is already that hard to find a women by her self then it fells like it is just going to be harder has I get older has it is going to be even more likely that they are going to be in a relationship. I have joked that I just got to wait in till I am in my 40's and women are getting divorced but I would also like to meat some one that doesn't have kids has having to deal with kids just makes things harder and like more pressure.
11. last this kind of ties into 9 and 7 but its like if it is such a challenge to even meet a attractive women around my age in the first places then what are the odds that not only can I find one that I find attractive but that also finds me attractive and where we have enough in common and where are persalaties don't clash?
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