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 wadeinwaves
Joined: 8/7/2017
Msg: 1
Dating someone who is your ex's enemy by religion and culturePage 1 of 1    
This can be a constant thunder cloud in a person's relationship with their ex who they normally have a amicable relationship with who share a child. My dilemma is my ex is of a certain culture and religion. I am getting to know someone of a different culture and different sect of that religion whose people are against my ex's culture and religion. Currently my ex's people back home are getting killed by these individuals.

I realize many people who immigrate to Canada are against this type of political action, but it still makes me feel a bit guilty. When you first meet a person you may not know their religious backround until you meet them and then you find you get along with them and then what?

The man I'm getting to know told me last night if I had faith in God my life would be better. Really? What about all of these people on the other side of the world who have a strong faith in God? Are there lives any better? No, they are loosing them by the dozens.

What does a person do in my situation?
 zsuzsa62
Joined: 1/31/2016
Msg: 2
Dating someone who is your ex's enemy by religion and culture
Posted: 10/17/2017 9:23:14 AM
If difference in belief makes a difference ... and it usually does if you're talking about eventually being in a full relationship, than better to date someone on the same page as yourself.
 ThePigOfYourDreams
Joined: 6/30/2017
Msg: 3
Dating someone who is your ex's enemy by religion and culture
Posted: 10/17/2017 9:33:10 AM


The man I'm getting to know told me last night if I had faith in God my life would be better.


Did you happen to ask him which one? There are many to choose from. For the hell of it, you should ask him if he believes in all of them just to have his bases completely covered.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 4
put on your blue helmet now
Posted: 10/17/2017 11:26:11 AM
"for the hell of it"

>>>pun not intended :)

meanwhile, I think if a partner started preaching their religion to me...I would begin to wonder when and where it was going to end. It may actually solve the initial problem, all on its own.
 wadeinwaves
Joined: 8/7/2017
Msg: 5
put on your blue helmet now
Posted: 10/17/2017 1:22:16 PM
^^^The new guy has not expressed hatred toward my ex at all. I am having trouble figuring out if dating someone who potentially could be my ex's enemy if they both lived back in their country is proper.
 fullmoonguy2
Joined: 6/14/2017
Msg: 6
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Dating someone who is your ex's enemy by religion and culture
Posted: 10/17/2017 1:27:04 PM

What does a person do in my situation?


Give up dating.

Or even talking to people.

You really do have the worst luck at this.


The man I'm getting to know told me last night if I had faith in God my life would be better. Really?


Could it be any worse?
 browneyesboo
Joined: 4/3/2017
Msg: 7
Dating someone who is your ex's enemy by religion and culture
Posted: 10/17/2017 1:54:16 PM
Why are you looking for an issue that hasn't happened yet?
Unless your ex and your boyfriend end up in their countries together
and then meet and become enemies...how is this an issue? If your boyfriend
has not expressed any abhorrence towards your ex...why are you bringing it up?

You should be able to handle others who question your religion, beliefs or
lack of them. If you can't do that...perhaps you're not as content or convinced
of your spiritual persona.

Honestly, no disrespect, but if there was a book of idioms and mountains out of
molehills was included, I feel it would have a picture of you there.

Be kinder to yourself.

And PS...If I meet someone and I like them and I find out later they're something
I don't like because of their political or religious views or whatever...I have no problem making
them disappear. Not in a "that's an interesting tomato plant mound you've got there, Boo",
but in a seeya...wouldn't want to be ya sort of way.
 forumslady
Joined: 12/7/2016
Msg: 8
Dating someone who is your ex's enemy by religion and culture
Posted: 10/17/2017 5:45:10 PM
wadeinwaves- "What does a person do in my situation?"
First of all, I'll address the ex factor.
The ex is an ex for a reason. He doesn't have a say in who you date, period. (The ONLY caveat is if you share children, if that's the case let me know, then my advice will change, otherwise, he doesn't get a say)

Secondly, I'll address who you are dating.
You said: "The man I'm getting to know told me last night if I had faith in God my life would be better. Really? What about all of these people on the other side of the world who have a strong faith in God? Are there lives any better? No, they are loosing them by the dozens. "

Ummmmm, say WHAT?!
This is NOT your daddy, you are a grown azz woman, yes?
He is crossing boundaries right there, BIG time.
Your religion, or if you are religious at all, is your business, NOT his.
It is NOT his job to change you, nor should you change something as important as your faith (or the lack thereof) for ANYONE.
Such a statement is a red flag and yes, I'm going to use that term, even though it's overused, because in THIS case, it applies.
This is a compatibility issue.
Not only that, the red flag flying is a potential control freak. NO, NO and NO. The LAST type ANYONE wants to involve themselves with is a control freak, whatever gender.
He is religious, you are not. Someone you want to involve yourself with respects you and that means respecting your choices. People who have religious differences CAN work, but only when respect for boundaries is there and with the man you are dating, it is NOT there.
At the very least, you don't share his religion and the second someone starts talking like that (I love/like you but you need to change to please me) is your cue to go the other direction and fast!
 aintnodeal
Joined: 4/10/2016
Msg: 9
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Dating someone who is your ex's enemy by religion and culture
Posted: 10/17/2017 6:51:13 PM
Tuesday night playing spades with the Ex is kaput.
 aintnodeal
Joined: 4/10/2016
Msg: 10
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Dating someone who is your ex's enemy by religion and culture
Posted: 10/17/2017 6:53:51 PM
Tuesday night playing spades with the Ex is kaput.

You say you are getting to know this person - doesn't sound like you're in a relationship.
Now this FACT is causing you to sweat profusely, worry about the future, head spinning, uncertain...
...wait, aren't all those the TELL SIGNS of something that should NOT continue...?

What his religion is is irrelevant - what IS relevant is that he's stated to be an ENEMY of your Ex and the pressure is NOW on you.
Relieve the pressure - quit dating him. Sorry, not a match.
 __TEXASCHICK__
Joined: 11/9/2011
Msg: 11
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Dating someone who is your ex's enemy by religion and culture
Posted: 10/18/2017 12:58:25 PM
Just because a person has Faith, does not mean that they get a pass on evil crap happening to them. Your current guy may have to accept (or not) your lack of Faith
Many things cause a lack in Faith or Fellowship w/ God. BUT,,,, HE does not loose Faith is us.
---remember that..
 ThePigOfYourDreams
Joined: 6/30/2017
Msg: 12
Dating someone who is your ex's enemy by religion and culture
Posted: 10/18/2017 1:24:44 PM

HE does not loose Faith is us.


Have you ever actually read the Bible by any chance?
 aintnodeal
Joined: 4/10/2016
Msg: 13
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Dating someone who is your ex's enemy by religion and culture
Posted: 10/18/2017 6:06:04 PM
^^^ Now, c'mon...
-- that ark thing and killing everyone in the world except one family because mankind was total scum,
-- and turning entire cities into salt,
-- or raining 12 days of pestilance on a kingdom
-- or kicking some lazy hippies out of your yard,
-- or allowing some jackass to kill off a guy's family, burn his livestock, and cripple him

THOSE were just footnotes, like that practical joke about taking your two sons into the wild, and hacking one to bits, just "kidding".
 __TEXASCHICK__
Joined: 11/9/2011
Msg: 14
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Dating someone who is your ex's enemy by religion and culture
Posted: 10/18/2017 6:55:00 PM
Mr. Pig

He does not loose Faith IN us should be,, typo there.
Yes i have read the Bible

Aint no deal
---- I recken God needed to make a point that the world was headed in wrong direction? That He made us, and could destroy if He so choose?
who knows,,,
 nba24
Joined: 4/11/2013
Msg: 15
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Dating someone who is your ex's enemy by religion and culture
Posted: 10/19/2017 1:30:07 AM
I am a Christian my self but you cant and shouldn't try to force people in to your believes and should try to always show people love and not judge. I wish ever one loved and belived god is real but my job as a Christian is to try to show love and not judge people. If some what cant accept you for how ever you are then they are not the right person for you. You can also disagree with people and how they leave there life and I don't see a problem with even letting them know you don't agree with what they do but in a like loving way. I mean for example say someone you are close to is doing something that you think is wrong and dangerous you can speak up about it but you need to do it in a loving carrying not judgmental way other wise you are just going to push people farither away from you and from beliving/trusting in god. Same thing with like forgiveness no one is perfect and god wants you to forgive people but just because you should try to forgive people dosnt mean you have to just put up with the way someone treats you if they are not treating you right.
 ThePigOfYourDreams
Joined: 6/30/2017
Msg: 16
Dating someone who is your ex's enemy by religion and culture
Posted: 10/19/2017 4:45:42 AM

Yes i have read the Bible


I implore you to read it again. You will find the book of Genesis most enlightening.

You might want to also ask yourself why an allegedly "omniscient" being would be harboring "faith".
 L_LuuLuu
Joined: 8/2/2009
Msg: 17
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Dating someone who is your ex's enemy by religion and culture
Posted: 10/19/2017 12:36:08 PM
OP --

I agree wholeheartedly with what the ForumsLady has to say in Msg. 9

And:

I understand what you are saying. That your concern re: new guys belief system is that he belongs to a religious group (and I can guess which one) that advocates the killing of all those who do not accept his faith exactly as he interprets the word of his god.

Not so much about your ex and kids, but more about his attitude toward everyone in general.

So, I can propose 5 choices:

1. Don't accept his faith , and stay non-religious. In this case you'll wind up on his "hit list" too. And you're dead.

2. Accept his faith. But first learn how his culture tends to treat women. He'll MOST DEFINITELY, ultimately treat you that way, too.

3. Find another God who teaches that you should love and care for ALL of Mankind. But then the new guy will "hit list" you for that. And you're dead.

4. Dump the new guy and continue to be non-religious. You'll find a LARGE and growing number of non-believer men to choose from. Continue to read the forums to find out what their romantic lives are like.

5. Dump the new guy and find the God who teaches that you should love and care for all of Mankind. Hold out for a man of compatible faith. You'll have to try that for yourself to see if you'll be happier.

Whatever you do, I can say that one thing is sure for any choice you make.

BE THE PERSON YOU WANT TO WIND UP WITH. BE EVERYTHING, IN CHARACTER, THAT YOU WANT THEM TO BE. Do this, and you'll attract the right man.
 Railrunner
Joined: 12/1/2010
Msg: 18
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Dating someone who is your ex's enemy by religion and culture
Posted: 10/20/2017 7:26:16 AM
Simple. Move to America. Everyone is at everyone's throat right now. Every group of people seems to hate every other group, or so the crass, uh, mass media would have it. So your situation would blend right in. Nah, just kidding.

Seriously though, NBA24 is absolutely right. He has the basics of Christianity spot on there. And he's right about everything else.
 from site to sight
Joined: 11/30/2007
Msg: 19
Dating someone who is your ex's enemy by religion and culture
Posted: 10/20/2017 1:50:29 PM

The man I'm getting to know told me last night if I had faith in God my life would be better.


If you stay with the guy, be prepared to be indoctrinated into his religion, and he'll say he's doing it to save you, and is doing you a favor. I could never be with someone who has a problem with my faith, or lack of faith. As for who is killing whom in their homeland (which is not very God-like), tell them to leave their political/religious differences in the homeland. Isn't that why they fled their country in the first place-and went to a country where people are free to practice any religion they want, as well as not practicing a religion if they don't want to?
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 20
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Dating someone who is your ex's enemy by religion and culture
Posted: 10/22/2017 6:21:36 AM

^^^The new guy has not expressed hatred toward my ex at all. I am having trouble figuring out if dating someone who potentially could be my ex's enemy if they both lived back in their country is proper.


I would gently suggest that what you are actually doing, is trying to deal with a situation that you are personally uncomfortable with, and are having trouble deciding for your own self, because you have some external loyalties and dedications, which appear to you to be in conflict with what your personal desires are. So you are hoping that the decision can be made FOR you, by some overall social "rule."

Essentially, I think that you have come to focus on the wrong detail of your situation, as a decision point. You think that the reason why you feel uncomfortable about the new guy, is because of his religious/cultural antagonisms towards your ex, but since you are already philosophically convinced that it is wrong to reject someone for their beliefs, you are don't feel justified in dumping him for that reason alone.

Hence the way you asked the question. I think that your real concern is something more detailed. Perhaps, since you DO continue to have necessary involvement with your ex, because of your child, you fear that the religious differences will either result in future conflicts and friction in your life, or even more concerning, that there will be a fight over how your child is raised. The new guy, if he becomes your mate, will have an influence over how your child is raised religiously, and that will be a problem FOR THE CHILD.

So this is really a PRACTICAL PROBLEM. You need to be able to raise your child in a way that does not cause him or her to be alienated from their father, and this situation has the potential to do that.

The only way I know of to decide about such things, is to recognize and accept that this is your challenge to deal with, and then decide whether or not you are willing to take the natural ensuing problems on or not. In other words, you don't need to decide if this is "proper" or not; you need to decide that whether it is or is not, if you want to deal with it, and if you want to put your child through it.
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 21
Dating someone who is your ex's enemy by religion and culture
Posted: 10/22/2017 9:57:03 AM
Divorce with kids can lead to problems.....you are stuck dealing with the ex for 18 years. Sometimes there's no easy answer.
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