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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Is my Boyfriend gay and in denial or am i paranoid?      Home login  
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 marymary20172017
Joined: 10/25/2017
Msg: 1
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Is my Boyfriend gay and in denial or am i paranoid?Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
This is going to be a long post so lease bear with me. So I don't even know where to begin as I don't know who to talk to and i'm so embarrassed to ask my friends what they think about this.. So I have been going out with this amazing guy for 6 months and he is everything that I prayed for he is loving, caring and very sensitive.. So the other day I was talking to him about my niece's friend who is a boy and I told him that I thought he was gay and then my boyfriend went on to say what if someone is gay they are in the closet and they are the only one that knows about it and I said what and then he said what if he (the person that is gay) is the only person that knows that he is in the closet.... I had a shock look on my face and then he went on to say never mind.. but the way he said it was like he was talking about himself.. So after this I started to think about other things that made me think that he might be gay... a couple of weeks ago I was at his place and then he touched my boobs and then he said jokingly he wished he had them so I just laughed It off, he also said jokingly to me that why does he has to do all the f?cking, why cant he be f?cked and at that time I thought how weird but I just laughed it off.... and then there was one time after I had given him oral sex he went on to say how hopefully he can stop thinking about (he said something that I don't think had to do with what he was really thinking because I gave him a look).. So three days ago because it had been bothering me I wanted to test him to see if my theory was right I went on to play with his butt to see his reaction and he opened legs wide open and he really loved it, before then I was praying that he would ask me to stop but he didn't and ever since he has been asking me to play with his butt and rub it .. he also told me he likes his nipples sucked in which I did and he loved it. He also told me before that he used to go to gay bars and I asked him why he would go to gay bars and then he was like I don't know and he after he said honestly its because of drugs ( he used to take drugs before when he was in his early 20s) Ever since then its been like a torture to me as I have been thinking he is gay so I asked him are you 100 percent straight and he said yes .. This past weekend he came to pick me up and then whilst we were in bed he said to me I want to tell you something because you have been asking me questions and I said what is it and then he said i'm not attracted to women's bodies and then I said what do you mean exactly by that and then he said well when I look at a woman I don't get hard like any other guys for example if I go to strip clubs I don't feel anything and then he went on to say that i'm not gay or bisexual.. he went on to say he will tell me the rest later... so I said to him you need to tell me everything now and then he said he wasn't ready.. and then he also said I have been giving you hints.. I was so upset so I kept asking him over and over and he just stormed off the room.. when he came back he said he didn't want to talk about it.. and then sometimes I'm like he cant be as I know he loves me a lot as he has told me and he even cried once saying that he loves me so much that it hurts and we have talked about having kids, moving in and starting a family but there is this feeling that is my head thinking that he is gay.. what do you think.. am I being paranoid or do I have a right to be worried.. this is a first time i'm experiencing something like this.. I love this boy so much but I don’t want to waste my time with someone that is a closet gay and I don't want end up being married to someone that is living a lie and I think it will unfair to both me and him.....Please help me..
 Cynderella
Joined: 3/8/2007
Msg: 2
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Is my Boyfriend gay and in denial or am i paranoid?
Posted: 1/2/2018 2:31:48 AM
Well that was a read...
First off many men like their butt
played with so that wouldn't be my
concern.
What is a concern is the holding back
what ever it is he's needing to say.
Pushing him is not the answer either.
You love him, he is making sure he can trust
you with his situation. Give him the space and
time needed.
You have asked if he's gay....he said no.
So there is something else.
Be patient and wait for him to feel comfortable
to share his story.
Till then I would stop the speculation it will
only drive you mad.
 ThePigOfYourDreams
Joined: 6/30/2017
Msg: 3
Is my Boyfriend gay and in denial or am i paranoid?
Posted: 1/2/2018 2:42:25 AM
Hmm, and I guess *your* secret is you've been on a dating site since October 25th while in a relationship.
 Arlo_Troutman
Joined: 6/16/2017
Msg: 4
Is my Boyfriend gay and in denial or am i paranoid?
Posted: 1/2/2018 3:19:13 AM

(Wilbur) Hmm, and I guess *your* secret is you've been on a dating site since October 25th while in a relationship.


Maybe she, like you, is here for the forums only. Are you vying for a spot in Scooby Doo's Mystery Machine, with all this master sleuthing?

I think we may be beginning to zero in on your problem. The one besides your sub-par IQ, I mean...
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 5
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Is my Boyfriend gay and in denial or am i paranoid?
Posted: 1/2/2018 4:02:04 AM
Okay, I made it through the entire paragraph-free wall of text.

The biggest problem I see with your reasoning, is that you are only aware of two possible sexual orientations. That's why you keep lurching back to "is he gay?" whenever something comes up that shows he isn't the version of heterosexual that you were expecting or hoping for.

You don't need to assign him a category or a label. All you need to do, is to decide if whatever he IS, is what you want. From everything you've said hear, it sounds as though the answer is "no."
 Nyeahsers
Joined: 12/7/2017
Msg: 6
Is my Boyfriend gay and in denial or am i paranoid?
Posted: 1/2/2018 8:40:46 AM
This post comes off as trollish but, I'll give my opinion. I agree with everything Cynderella said but this guy really needs to come out with it. I hate ultimatums but, in this specific situation, I think it is called for. You've been in this relationship long enough and this "secret" must be something highly questionable or he would have already shared it with you. In his mind, this secret is very likely a deal breaker. In a six month relationship, he probably knows you well enough to know what is acceptable to you and this secret probably isn't. He's most likely hoping to wait long enough (to share his secret) that you'll be so in love with him that it will not end the relationship.
 LGL1975
Joined: 6/7/2015
Msg: 7
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Is my Boyfriend gay and in denial or am i paranoid?
Posted: 1/2/2018 11:02:18 AM
better get tested for AIDS.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 8
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Is my Boyfriend gay and in denial or am i paranoid?
Posted: 1/2/2018 2:02:25 PM

So I have been going out with this amazing guy for 6 months and he is everything that I prayed for he is loving, caring and very sensitive..

6 months -- but less than 3 months ago you joined for "just friends" (wink wink, nudge nudge). Yeah, my buddy went to strip clubs and got some strippers' numbers -- he was just trying to make friends, too. His GF didn't buy it. :) It's a DATING site. Even ideally wanting the friends-first route in the dating game, it's still not kosher when in a Relationship. You're set to meet Guys sexually looking for Females, even if with wholesome procedures. It's a place to look for Dudes (or other women, if bi/lesbian). :)

then he said what if he (the person that is gay) is the only person that knows that he is in the closet.... I had a shock look on my face and then he went on to say never mind.. but the way he said it was like he was talking about himself..

Maybe, maybe not. But the shocked look on your face could make a shy, sweet guy just go "never mind". But yeah, ok, a "Hmmm" eyebrow raised, I could see.

a couple of weeks ago I was at his place and then he touched my boobs and then he said jokingly he wished he had them so I just laughed It off

I don't think that's necessarily an indicator of gay. Gay dudes like (breast-less) dudes. The other ones -- for you to fck him for once, yeah, guys like the girl to take control once in a while. It can be boring if he has to do all the work. And a guy thinking about other stuff when getting a BJ -- fantasizing, no, it doesn't mean it's other hairy dudes. Nor going to gay bars. I go sometimes -- great for picking up gals; they have their guard down. And yeah, for drugs if that's your thing. It's not weird for a straight guy to walk in with another friend who sees the pluses. And so forth with your other stuff. It doesn't further evidence of it -- but I think you're looking for something because outside of all that you just "read" it off him. Which may or may not have some truth to it.

have been thinking he is gay so I asked him are you 100 percent straight and he said yes

Okay.... (that doesn't mean he IS, but you should have asked him this before all this stuff - lol)

he said i'm not attracted to women's bodies and then I said what do you mean exactly by that and then he said well when I look at a woman I don't get hard like any other guys for example if I go to strip clubs I don't feel anything and then he went on to say that i'm not gay or bisexual

Okay, seeing that you're taking all these other non-clues you laid out as actual clues -- must have a warning with this. I don't get hard looking at gals at strip clubs either. It's appealing, but I don't go "shwing!" That's 100% normal & the most common. That doesn't mean there's no attraction & it's appealing on some level, although, me going to a strip club -- meh, I've seen that all the time, so in some sense, it's not so appealing just by standing there in one.

so I said to him you need to tell me everything now and then he said he wasn't ready.. and then he also said I have been giving you hints.. I was so upset so I kept asking him over and over and he just stormed off the room.. when he came back he said he didn't want to talk about it..

I think it could be one of two things:

(1) He's not gay/bi. But he's got some sexual fetishes, he feels he's a little different, and is a Sex Addict. Where just looking at a gal just doesn't do it for him. He wants action, and likes things a little different. But you being "wholesome" would freak out. He's given you hints on this, but it's just made you think he's gay or something.

(2) Like #1, but taken further he is "kinda bi" -- or yes, actually Bi... but he doesn't call it that. He doesn't mind sexual relations with a guy in the right mood/setting, and is in denial he's bi in any way, when he is. Some people are like this where they're not Romantically attracted to the same sex, but in some sexual scenarios, Are attracted to the same sex. That is Bi, but since it's over-shadowed by their hetero desires, they don't want to call themselves that.
 lindts
Joined: 10/4/2008
Msg: 9
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Is my Boyfriend gay and in denial or am i paranoid?
Posted: 1/3/2018 12:05:23 AM
Like it's already been said, you don't need to be gay to like your butt being played with. It's where a males G Spot is so any play there
is very intense for the guy. He may very well be Bi but afraid to admit that, as some guys are. I agree with Cynderella, if you love him and
you cherish your relationship, then talk to him but give him space and time to tell you his "secret". Pushing him will actually do that.. push him away.
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 10
Is my Boyfriend gay and in denial or am i paranoid?
Posted: 1/3/2018 6:06:27 AM
Google "straight spouse network". Try asking your question on their forum.
 sexandthepof
Joined: 10/1/2012
Msg: 11
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Is my Boyfriend gay and in denial or am i paranoid?
Posted: 1/3/2018 7:50:21 AM
You don't need somebody to tell you a straight answer that he is gay, you can tell right away. It shows by the conversations, the look from his eyes, his lips, tone of voice and gesture.

It’s your choice to be with him or not. You just have to think how to break your decision to him. It’s not easy, but when it needs to be done, it has to be done.
 forumslady
Joined: 12/7/2016
Msg: 12
Is my Boyfriend gay and in denial or am i paranoid?
Posted: 1/3/2018 4:46:50 PM
Marymary2017- I'm going to need eye surgery after reading your post. Periods and paragraphs are your friends. :0

Anyway...........People trust in degrees. They tell you things, see how you react, then tell you more if you react well, telling you more and more as time goes on.

He's been pretty open with you about what he likes in bed. That means he trusts you enough to do so. Believe me when I tell you that you do NOT want to find yourself in bed with the type that won't tell you what they want.

The nipple and butt play, so what?! That doesn't mean he's gay. Google men's g-spot/where a man's prostate is, that will teach you a lot.

For God's sake, don't start asking him if he's gay. He won't feel comfortable asking for what he wants in bed, plus, he won't want to open up to you about much of anything if he knows you are going to over react, get paranoid and start giving him the third degree.

You got the best advice from the start (Cynderella, post #2)- Chill, quit tripping and let him confide in you when he is ready.
 purplerider1200
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 13
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Is my Boyfriend gay and in denial or am i paranoid?
Posted: 1/4/2018 3:23:46 PM
Umm, don't you like your butt played with? Nipples are fun, I'd bet you like yours played with. His are a bit flat, think that means that they are numb? A good many women like to be gone down on. Why wouldn't he like you to?

Many moons ago, A lady introduced me to that sort of fun. And it was! Except the oral, that didn't do much for me. But if you like doing it, go for it. Let's do each other while we're at it. Just remember, if I start thrashing around- I need air.
 9Pluto
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 14
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Is my Boyfriend gay and in denial or am i paranoid?
Posted: 1/4/2018 3:47:21 PM
I liked Igor's reply among others.

The biggest problem I see with your reasoning, is that you are only aware of two possible sexual orientations.

^^^I would generalize this to cover all the OP's issues with the theme of the post. OP is unable to use critical thinking and logic, and lazily jumps into false dichotomies randomly popping into her head, and then obsesses over them. The guy is frustrated by that behavior and blows her off, so they they reach repeated impasses. Time for both to move on, as they clearly are incompatible. "Is my boyfriend gay and in denial or am I paranoid", the title question, is a different false dichotomy. Whether he is gay or not, in denial and gay, or not, I only see an OP with a generalized anxiety disorder.

--Freud
 whosmeow
Joined: 10/19/2017
Msg: 15
Is my Boyfriend gay and in denial or am i paranoid?
Posted: 1/4/2018 4:16:10 PM
OP~ I believe you already have the answers to your questions, and are afraid to admit them to yourself because you don't wish to retire this relationship. Take a step back into yourself, and see what is ni your own heart. It is there you will find the peace you seek.
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 16
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Is my Boyfriend gay and in denial or am i paranoid?
Posted: 1/4/2018 4:35:47 PM
Okay I will bite.

I take it you have had sex with the guy in the normal way??? . Many are bi sexual and then there is the spectrum. He may have had homosexual experiences, many have. You sound too young to be moving in and starting a family right now. Get to know each other for at least a year or so before you make any decisions. How would we know whether he is a closet gay?? some men are just more yin or feminine in their ways without being actually gay.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 17
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Is my Boyfriend gay and in denial or am i paranoid?
Posted: 1/4/2018 7:38:05 PM
What turns a person on in bed does not necessarily point to their sexual orientation. My ex-husband loved my feet, it didn't make him a shoe salesman.
 greatgal1977
Joined: 3/1/2017
Msg: 18
Is my Boyfriend gay and in denial or am i paranoid?
Posted: 1/5/2018 4:56:13 PM

past weekend he came to pick me up and then whilst we were in bed he said to me I want to tell you something because you have been asking me questions and I said what is it and then he said i'm not attracted to women's bodies and then I said what do you mean exactly by that and then he said well when I look at a woman I don't get hard like any other guys for example if I go to strip clubs I don't feel anything and then he went on to say that i'm not gay or bisexual..

Hmm.... He is not attracted to females, he told you that much. Could he be attracted to transsexual males I wonder? I could be totally wrong about it but these doubts that you are having about him didn't just come out of a thin air. Perhaps you need to trust your feelings.
 9Pluto
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 19
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Is my Boyfriend gay and in denial or am i paranoid?
Posted: 1/5/2018 7:54:05 PM
OP:
past weekend he came to pick me up and then whilst we were in bed he said to me I want to tell you something because you have been asking me questions and I said what is it and then he said i'm not attracted to women's bodies and then I said what do you mean exactly by that and then he said well when I look at a woman I don't get hard like any other guys for example if I go to strip clubs I don't feel anything and then he went on to say that i'm not gay or bisexual..

Greatgal:
Hmm.... He is not attracted to females, he told you that much. Could he be attracted to transsexual males I wonder? I could be totally wrong about it but these doubts that you are having about him didn't just come out of a thin air. Perhaps you need to trust your feelings.


Greatgal, he probably means when he goes to the morgue and opens the body compartments, seeing a female stiff doesn't turn him on, but the guys she wants to date are hard necrophiliacs. He is just happy to be active in bed with her all the time, getting BJ's etc., according to the OP. And you conclude he's not attracted to females. Hmmmm
 Nestaron
Joined: 10/11/2017
Msg: 20
Is my Boyfriend gay and in denial or am i paranoid?
Posted: 1/6/2018 1:48:25 AM
Maybe he is trying to establish where he fits in as he went to gay bars found out he really wasn't attracted to guys, but he is not attracted to women either and he did some research on what he really is. One doesn't have to be either but kinda inbetween in a sense, their not attracted to gender but a particular person. He can have sex with any but has no attraction to them he doesn't desire them sexually, he is not physically attracted to them at all so he is trying to figure it out.

His home would have something that would classify his sexual orientation porn, dirty mags, nude photos I am not saying go searching. I am saying something is there that stimulates him if he is a sexual being. If he is not sexually oriented he will have nothing to do with anything sexual in his place of residence it actually has no purpose. It's like buying a scrap car to sit on your yard just to say it's there, not that you do anything with it but it's there taking up space.
 Escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 21
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Is my Boyfriend gay and in denial or am i paranoid?
Posted: 1/6/2018 11:03:19 AM
Sounds like he needs extra stimulation ie more than the nice girl/nice boy type of sex. Might have intimacy difficulties?. Some men dont like to do all the work during sex and like to work for sex ie they enjoy being seduced. If he has visited gay bars and tried drugs he might be open to more adventurous sex. Men dont always enjoy strip bars, the sex is too easy.
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 22
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Is my Boyfriend gay and in denial or am i paranoid?
Posted: 1/6/2018 10:35:44 PM
Whole thing sounds g-g-g-g-gay!
 from site to sight
Joined: 11/30/2007
Msg: 23
Is my Boyfriend gay and in denial or am i paranoid?
Posted: 1/7/2018 4:39:09 AM

Men dont always enjoy strip bars, the sex is too easy.


I don't know of any strip bar that also servers as a brothel. Being a stripper or being a prostitute are two different things.
 Nyeahsers
Joined: 12/7/2017
Msg: 24
Is my Boyfriend gay and in denial or am i paranoid?
Posted: 1/7/2018 5:34:31 AM
"I don't know of any strip bar that also servers as a brothel. Being a stripper or being a prostitute are two different things."

Few people can play in the mud and not get dirty.
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 25
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Is my Boyfriend gay and in denial or am i paranoid?
Posted: 1/7/2018 6:14:52 AM
Why are you signed up for pof 3 months into your relationship? Isn't this the guy that blocked you and disappeared? That scenario was strange, but you then never mentioned this.

Simple solution, ask him if he's bi. You have a right to know what his sexual preferences are.
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