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 Call_me_Handy
Joined: 12/27/2017
Msg: 1
Thought I was almost over herPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
This is definitely a self-pity post but figure it may help me get past it to write about it. Vote to Delete as required.

Split up with a woman last fall, we had had a very up & down relationship but I had fallen further in love than ever before in my life. Made every mistake in the world, gave away a ton of self-respect just to try and keep her happy.
When things were good they were so good, sex was beyond anything I have ever experienced, the intensity and frequency. But I felt I got treated badly, the rebound guy taken to an extreme.

I had just gotten to a show Sat night. The way it works at that venue is you buy a seat at a table and you sort yourself out when you get there. I look up and there she is, she has a ticket for the same table. For 2 seconds I was so happy to see her and then realize she is with someone, my heart does not just break it explodes. Seems I am not nearly as over her as I thought I was.

I fantasize about being back with her but would mean giving away what little self respect I have left. To make a workable relationship would mean her making big changes in how she treated me and that is very unlikely to happen. Consideration for me being foremost and if for 2 years that was not there how do things change?

There are a lot of complications that muddle this whole story and what happened between us. I put a lot of the fault on her but in a lot of ways I am no prize either. Seem to be unable to sustain a relationship.

I think it was Ohenryx who says he will always go for the high of falling in love and trade it for the pain that comes after. Not as sure anymore. Have had one of the most painful weekends of my life but Fri night I had a great meetup with a wonderful woman before the the weekend went into the dumper so maybe there is hope yet. We have a date Sta night but will have to tell her I am not ready for a relationship and maybe not even dating. Will be honest and let her make that choice.

Just had to vent, look back theur what I wrote and the words do not say great things about me but will let them stand.
 Call_me_Handy
Joined: 12/27/2017
Msg: 2
Thought I was almost over her
Posted: 2/5/2018 12:32:05 PM
Have spent hours since I posted this pouring out my soul to a family member and a close friend.

They both made me remember why I fell so deeply in love with this woman and to keep the good memories to the forefront.
Feeling much better.
 Platinum_Blonde_Angel
Joined: 1/23/2018
Msg: 3
12 STEP PROGRAM & THERAPY NEEDED
Posted: 2/5/2018 12:44:03 PM

Split up with a woman last fall, we had had a very up & down relationship but I had fallen further in love than ever before in my life. Made every mistake in the world, gave away a ton of self-respect just to try and keep her happy.
When things were good they were so good, sex was beyond anything I have ever experienced, the intensity and frequency. But I felt I got treated badly
, the rebound guy taken to an extreme.

I had just gotten to a show Sat night. The way it works at that venue is you buy a seat at a table and you sort yourself out when you get there. I look up and there she is, she has a ticket for the same table. For 2 seconds I was so happy to see her and then realize she is with someone, my heart does not just break it explodes. Seems I am not nearly as over her as I thought I was.

I fantasize about being back with her but would mean giving away what little self respect I have left.
To make a workable relationship would mean her making big changes in how she treated me and that is very unlikely to happen. Consideration for me being foremost and if for 2 years that was not there how do things change?

There are a lot of complications that muddle this whole story and what happened between us. I put a lot of the fault on her but in a lot of ways I am no prize either. Seem to be unable to sustain a relationship.

I think it was Ohenryx who says he will always go for the high of falling in love and trade it for the pain that comes after. Not as sure anymore. Have had one of the most painful weekends of my life but Fri night I had a great meetup with a wonderful woman before the the weekend went into the dumper so maybe there is hope yet. We have a date Sta night but will have to tell her I am not ready for a relationship and maybe not even dating. Will be honest and let her make that choice.


You're a sick puppy if you think that is love, to be jerked around & played.
Get some help!
Not only does your pattern affect you, but while you are upset & dumping, it affects your loved ones.

Funny, she's moved on; why haven't you?
 Call_me_Handy
Joined: 12/27/2017
Msg: 4
12 STEP PROGRAM & THERAPY NEEDED
Posted: 2/5/2018 1:15:32 PM

You're a sick puppy if you think that is love, to be jerked around & played.
Get some help!
Not only does your pattern affect you, but while you are upset & dumping, it affects your loved ones.

Funny, she's moved on; why haven't you?


Sorry you see it that way, obviously I did a very poor job of writing it.
 Nyeahsers
Joined: 12/7/2017
Msg: 5
12 STEP PROGRAM & THERAPY NEEDED
Posted: 2/5/2018 1:27:06 PM
I don't think you did such a bad job of writing this. Many men who actually love women have had situations like this. I can relate to this quite a bit but, if a woman mistreats me, I could turn cold and hard fast.
 Call_me_Handy
Joined: 12/27/2017
Msg: 6
12 STEP PROGRAM & THERAPY NEEDED
Posted: 2/5/2018 2:05:31 PM
Somehow feel I need to respond further


You're a sick puppy if you think that is love, to be jerked around & played.
Get some help!

Can't do anything about how you read this, but Sat evening was the first contact with the lady in question since she broke off the relationship. Further we have been messaging since trying to come to terms as to how we both move on in a small town


Not only does your pattern affect you, but while you are upset & dumping, it affects your loved ones.

They to their credit do not see it that way, they both assured me they were happy to listen to me and help any way they could. I have been there for both of them before, in my world that's one of the things friends and family help you with.


Funny, she's moved on; why haven't you?

From the messaging over the weekend she is trying to but not entirely successfully.
I just started trying to date because I am trying to be fair to whoever I date. The woman I have the date with was there with some friends (small town!!!), I spoke to her before I left. We spoke the day after and she is still willing to go on the date with the proviso I explain what happened. I will be very up front that I am not ready for a relationship.
 Platinum_Blonde_Angel
Joined: 1/23/2018
Msg: 7
12 STEP PROGRAM & THERAPY NEEDED
Posted: 2/5/2018 4:46:06 PM
It doesn't matter HOW I read this, look at what YOU wrote, look at the parts I bolded. If you cannot see this is sick, then that is on you.

You wanted a pity party here, not an answer or the truth.
 Call_me_Handy
Joined: 12/27/2017
Msg: 8
12 STEP PROGRAM & THERAPY NEEDED
Posted: 2/5/2018 5:25:41 PM


You wanted a pity party here, not an answer or the truth.


Try highlighting the first line of the post not the parts you misunderstood.
I made it clear what I was doing from the start, I cant believe it has not been deleted.
 halcyon_skies
Joined: 7/27/2015
Msg: 9
Thought I was almost over her
Posted: 2/6/2018 7:39:29 AM

Further we have been messaging since trying to come to terms as to how we both move on in a small town.


I think this is a mistake. You can't expect to move on with your life if you're still contacting her. You need to cut her off completely. Summon up some self-respect and stop grovelling.

I also think it's not a good idea to tell other women you're not ready to date. Your heart may not be into it, but it will do you a world of good to get back out there, and meet new people. You need diversions. Just don't talk about the ex.
 Seki1949
Joined: 9/4/2013
Msg: 10
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History
Thought I was almost over her
Posted: 2/6/2018 7:49:47 AM

. . . We have a date Sta (sic) night but will have to tell her I am not ready for a relationship and maybe not even dating.


I can't think of a worst thing to do. Cancel the date.
 MsSkeezix
Joined: 7/1/2017
Msg: 11
Thought I was almost over her
Posted: 2/6/2018 8:21:18 AM
OP wrote in part:
Split up with a woman last fall, we had had a very up & down relationship but I had fallen further in love than ever before in my life. Made every mistake in the world, gave away a ton of self-respect just to try and keep her happy.
When things were good they were so good,


I'm wondering, in the over all equation, what % was 'good' vs 'bad'---Sounds like a few minutes of ecstasy, hours of agony.

Some people think that's 'True Love' ----high highs, low lows---the relationship fades without drama---is this part of your inability to 'sustain a relationship' as you say?
 Call_me_Handy
Joined: 12/27/2017
Msg: 12
Thought I was almost over her
Posted: 2/6/2018 10:48:28 AM

I think this is a mistake. You can't expect to move on with your life if you're still contacting her. You need to cut her off completely. Summon up some self-respect and stop grovelling.

Touche, you are right Grin.
The contact is over



I also think it's not a good idea to tell other women you're not ready to date. Your heart may not be into it, but it will do you a world of good to get back out there, and meet new people. You need diversions. Just don't talk about the ex.


I am going ahead with the date but just want to make it clear I am not relationship material and let her make up her own mind.
Thank you for your thoughts
 Call_me_Handy
Joined: 12/27/2017
Msg: 13
Thought I was almost over her
Posted: 2/6/2018 11:04:20 AM

I'm wondering, in the over all equation, what % was 'good' vs 'bad'---Sounds like a few minutes of ecstasy, hours of agony.

Some people think that's 'True Love' ----high highs, low lows---the relationship fades without drama---is this part of your inability to 'sustain a relationship' as you say?


I would say 75% good, looking back lots of blame to go both ways. We spent a total of 14 months together over 2 periods and I would say only the last few weeks of both periods were really bad.

Usually the cause a relationship dies for me is my partners desire for me to change and my resistance to changing. Was not the case here, no requirement to change but I have one very bad relationship habit she could not handle whereas my past relationships found it amusing. My part I talked about in my original post, loss of self respect.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 14
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Thought I was almost over her
Posted: 2/6/2018 11:57:59 AM
You didn't give any details I could figure out, but I think I can relate at least to the emotional "flow" that you may have gone through with this woman.

The main things I keyed on and felt a reaction to, is where you talked about how unusually wonderful the sex was,and how you repeatedly had to cross your own boundaries in your attempts to please her.

I went through something like that a VERY long time ago, and it was similarly the most involved I've felt, and the most eviscerated.

What I eventually realized in my case, was that what I went through, wasn't real. Both of us THOUGHT it was real at the time, but what actually went on, was that that the woman was living inside a fantasy world for herself, and I was living in a real world, trying to cross over to her version. That's why I could never please her: I was trying to make SENSE of everything, when I didn't know that I was living in someone else's story of the world. She didn't know she WAS following a scripted fantasy, so she couldn't tell me, she just kept expecting me to know my lines, and to know my role in each "episode," and when I repeatedly didn't, she thought I was trying to screw up her life in various ways.

In my case, the only real tragedy, aside from the five years I lost and all the personal pain and indignity, was that after I figured it out, it was clear that I went through it all for absolutely nothing.

Maybe your misadventure was similarly entrancing, but meaningless.
 Call_me_Handy
Joined: 12/27/2017
Msg: 15
Thought I was almost over her
Posted: 2/6/2018 2:02:36 PM
^^^^^^^
Could be some truth to that Igor. But don't you think both people in a relationship have a fantasy at least to some degree about how that relationship will progress in the early years?
We were at polar opposites when we met, she had been in a 20 year marriage where they shared a house but not a marriage for the last 3 years. I had been in and out of a few relationships that did not last, I did not fall deeply in love in any of them, hence my "failure to sustain relationships".
She was looking for a casual relationship and I was looking for the last relationship, doomed at the start possibly?
 MsSkeezix
Joined: 7/1/2017
Msg: 16
Thought I was almost over her
Posted: 2/6/2018 2:42:40 PM
I think ALL people have fantasies about how relationships should be---Romantic Reality? An oxymoron<<<

;-)
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 17
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Thought I was almost over her
Posted: 2/6/2018 3:57:35 PM

Split up with a woman last fall, we had had a very up & down relationship but I had fallen further in love than ever before in my life.

How long was the relationship? 2 years, right? Was it consistently on-off of seeing her for 2 years, with certain stretches of a real BF/GF? Or, no, classic normal BF/GF scenario -- just rocky some (too much) of the time? Just a side note that there's a very key difference that we may not recognize when we're all about them.

Made every mistake in the world, gave away a ton of self-respect just to try and keep her happy.

A lot of make mistakes outside of giving away your self-respect to appease her? There's two types of mistakes: A Strategic 'mistake' when you're trying to garner her Real, Solidified Interest but went path B instead of A, which was the better one... and a Real mistake where you did something wrong to them.

When things were good they were so good, sex was beyond anything I have ever experienced, the intensity and frequency. But I felt I got treated badly, the rebound guy taken to an extreme.

Sounds like you were constantly trying to win her over, and could -- temporarily, for a while... but the rock would start to roll back downhill, and you had to work just to have her truly being into you. Hence, my original inquiry as to how this relationship Really was. A relationship or a Relationship? :)

I fantasize about being back with her but would mean giving away what little self respect I have left. To make a workable relationship would mean her making big changes in how she treated me and that is very unlikely to happen.

It's key to know the details of the relationship between you two. But it sounds like you traded in your self-respect to be Able to be with her as an item. And if not, it'd crumble rather swiftly, so it was never really solidified? That comfortable feeling of "I got her" is worth the trade-in/trade-up sale of self-respect. We don't realize we're giving away our self-respect, when we're too focused on solidifying her true deep interest.

I've really only ran into this with just-dating. I've seen situations where a friend Thinks he and the girl he's seeing have a Real BF/GF Relationship -- where sure, it flows thru those footsteps during periods of time -- but in reality, they were more or less just seeing each other.

In the end, for me, when going thru that (only lasting many weeks, max) -- I don't long for them. I don't Want to win them over. I went thru enough where I shake my head at myself for Playing-Along like that. She loses her value as a person to what could be a friend, let alone a potential GF (hell no).

We can kick ourselves at mistakes we made, making us lose sight of what They are, and how silly of a notion it is to be with them. "Oh, but if I didn't do [this] or [that]!" The devil's in the details. As I said, two different types of mistakes: One, you're doing her no wrong, but it's just a Strategic mistake, trying to win her over. If that's the case, it's hardly worth calling it a real BF/GF relationship. If you have to do that, it's like you're suspended in "just dating". After a while, you should realize that it Ain't gonna work and more importantly you Don't want it to, as the dots start to obviously Connect.

If looking back on doing-her wrong on things, like over-reacting on X/Y/Z, getting too upset here or there -- also put in perspective WHY you did, and if you had a reason to be flustered. Even though you can say it's a true mistake, being in that type of situation would be like asking a QB never to throw an INT all season long when his offensive line is allowing the defense to rush thru at him. It's going to generate mistakes. You learn from it, and realize not to make them again by connecting the dots on how it was not wise.... but no empathy required for her or anything, if she dragged you thru the mud.

Your main mistake not to repeat is to not Be in that type of situation, just because the (hot) gal likes you enough to be seeing you, in exchange for your self-respect. And catching a glimpse of them really liking/wanting you. And feeling You lost that all -- and having an Addiction to it that you can't let go of. The addiction won't start to really fade until you come to a Realization that it was a Damn Silly Relationship that wasn't, nor should be worth it, to anyone -- mistakes made by you in the process or not. Ask yourself this: If your son or young co-worker had a talk about this where this very similar scenario happened to Them -- would you really even Feel they should long for them?
 fullmoonguy2
Joined: 6/14/2017
Msg: 18
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12 STEP PROGRAM & THERAPY NEEDED
Posted: 2/6/2018 5:40:12 PM

I cant believe it has not been deleted.


Some of us take fiendish delight in these entertaining train wreck stories that people should see coming a mile away.
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 19
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12 STEP PROGRAM & THERAPY NEEDED
Posted: 2/6/2018 10:30:01 PM
I don't understand why you're going out on that date. The woman is supposed to make up her mind if she wants to date you, but you already don't want you date her? I'm not saying to not go. She may ignite a spark.

As for your past relationship, if it was working only 75%, it wasn't meant to be forever, unless you're okay with tempestuous relationships. A lot of people have them. Are you sure it was love, as in love with her, and not just the sex, not that it would really make a difference. Men do feel love thru sex.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 20
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Thought I was almost over her
Posted: 2/7/2018 4:30:53 AM

Could be some truth to that Igor. But don't you think both people in a relationship have a fantasy at least to some degree about how that relationship will progress in the early years?
We were at polar opposites when we met, she had been in a 20 year marriage where they shared a house but not a marriage for the last 3 years. I had been in and out of a few relationships that did not last, I did not fall deeply in love in any of them, hence my "failure to sustain relationships".
She was looking for a casual relationship and I was looking for the last relationship, doomed at the start possibly?


Aha. Yeah, that all fits a common pattern. Yes, in a big way, doomed from the start. Mainly because from the sounds of it, when YOU were launching into a concerted effort to finally find your one and only forever mate, SHE was just beginning to look to fulfill her combined desire to have the fun in life that she missed in her failed marriage, while at the same time, getting some emotional revenge on the various symbolic copies of her ex. You would likely have simultaneously made her happy (the wild and marvelous sex) and made her angry (wanting to settle down for another marriage). So her behavior towards you would logically be erratic.

To my way of thinking, people can often be like ballistic missiles in a way. Our past gives us force and direction that we don't directly control, and we follow "trajectories" that are determined by what we are, more than by what we wish we were. Even the most loving and thoughtful "missile" in the world, will still end up heading downrange to where the main thrust of their life sent them, even if they manage to deflect themselves somewhat through personal effort. Most of all, we wont stop trying to get what we think in our center that we need, until either we get it, or become convinced that it isn't possible.
 Call_me_Handy
Joined: 12/27/2017
Msg: 21
Thought I was almost over her
Posted: 2/7/2018 1:39:11 PM

Aha. Yeah, that all fits a common pattern. Yes, in a big way, doomed from the start. Mainly because from the sounds of it, when YOU were launching into a concerted effort to finally find your one and only forever mate, SHE was just beginning to look to fulfill her combined desire to have the fun in life that she missed in her failed marriage, while at the same time, getting some emotional revenge on the various symbolic copies of her ex. You would likely have simultaneously made her happy (the wild and marvelous sex) and made her angry (wanting to settle down for another marriage). So her behavior towards you would logically be erratic.


FFS, I was the rebound guy. LOL The thought had crossed my mind many times over the relationship.
You are absolutely right that is how the relationship went.
Doesn't make me fell any better, more used if anything else. But there is a karmic element to it, I have left a wake of broken and cracked hearts behind me. Karma must figure I deserve to the hurting one and I probably do deserve it.

Thank you for your insight
 Call_me_Handy
Joined: 12/27/2017
Msg: 22
12 STEP PROGRAM & THERAPY NEEDED
Posted: 2/7/2018 1:41:28 PM

Some of us take fiendish delight in these entertaining train wreck stories that people should see coming a mile away.

LOL
True enough, have enjoyed some of the train wrecks myself and I do know this is one too. Some good insights from people though who have no reason to want to make me feel better.
 Call_me_Handy
Joined: 12/27/2017
Msg: 23
12 STEP PROGRAM & THERAPY NEEDED
Posted: 2/7/2018 1:46:50 PM

I don't understand why you're going out on that date. The woman is supposed to make up her mind if she wants to date you, but you already don't want you date her? I'm not saying to not go. She may ignite a spark.


I waver back and forth on this myself, but I feel I will be a good date. She is attractive and conversation will be good. I will make it clear I am not ready to be in a relationship but am open to being a companion for events.
I don't want to hurt anyone or lead them on, I will try as hard as I can to avoid there being a Ms Rebound.
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 24
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12 STEP PROGRAM & THERAPY NEEDED
Posted: 2/7/2018 2:42:02 PM
I say hey, if you're being honest, and you are, go out with her! There are more types of relationships than the classic ones leading to LTRs or marriage that can be enjoyed.
 dpwesu
Joined: 3/25/2013
Msg: 25
12 STEP PROGRAM & THERAPY NEEDED
Posted: 2/7/2018 4:50:17 PM
OP......I read your story with a bit of interest.......

As of this time, it appears you truly are NOT ready for another relationship. If I were you, I could cancel the impending date you have and just meet her at the meetup groups and if you feel inclined much, MUCH later on down the road, meet with her for coffee as a friend. And just do things as friends.....if something comes of it, great. If not, you have a nice friend to do things with.

Get some self respect and self esteem.

It sounds like you were in a terrible relationship....and I don't care how great the sex was.....it was a terrible relationship. Some people are just not meant to be together.

Do NOT message your ex. Cut of ALL contact, regardless of being in a smaller town. All you are doing with that is just dialing up pain, and you don't need that. But I will say if you ARE out and about, running errands, etc, if she says "hello" you can say "hello" in return but nothing further than that. You need to heal and continuously dialing up pain will augment your healing process.

You need to set some very strong boundaries when it comes to your ex, and any future relationships you may have down the road.

Be on your own for a while and don't try to date. Take a few steps back and look at the relationship you came out of as a whole and learn from your mistakes. Just take your time and don't rush. Journal if you need to, or get into a support group than can help you
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