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 SoxFanSince93
Joined: 3/12/2013
Msg: 1
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Okay Well She Cheated....Page 1 of 1    
Okay well I'm 24, she's 23. Before we started officially dating we were best friends nearly 7 years... Then about 8 months ago we started dating it was just sort of casual no strings attached. Then in November we got more serious and around Christmas we made it official and became exclusive... Well everything was going great until, until she started cheating on me with her ex boyfriend .... Her and I were together every night basically from November up until 3 weeks ago. Then 3 weeks ago my apartment got flooded and I had to go back to my moms for a while ....As soon as I went to my moms I could only sleep over with her twice maybe 3 times a week. Now before we started even dating I knew this was a possibility because she cheated on her ex.... but I figured maybe her and I would be different ....she claimed the only reason she cheated on her ex was because he cheated on her ...

Well like I said... a few days after she couldn't sleep with me every night she invited her ex over (yes the one she cheated on) and she said they were just friends but then he got frisky and she was kind of into it....but she kept inviting him over again and again.... Now I had caught a bad vibe because when I seen her she was acting different and on certain nights she wouldn't answer my texts or calls.... Well a few nights ago I told her hey I wanna make us "Facebook official" she FREAKED out like it wasn't just a oh no I don't like to do that sort of thing... she FREAKED OUT and as soon as that happened I got worried ... So then today she posted a Facebook profile picture and I commented that I have the greatest and most gorgeous Girlfriend in the Universe.... she IMMEDIATELY deleted it ... and told me her ex reported it as against the rules on Facebook and got it removed ....well she didn't remove it fast enough cause her ex boyfriend saw and it and said wait you two are official now and have been dating and I told him yep, he told me everything that's gone on between them the last few weeks, at first she denied it called him and I both sick and crazy...then when I told we're done she came out with the truth saying she's sorry, she was lonely, I wasn't there, that she's willing to regain my trust and do anything that I need, that she's never felt such strong feelings for anyone in her life that she was just scared... Now I told her I'll think about... and as much as I care about this girl and may have loved her (we were best friends like 8 years we were basically a couple before we were a couple) I feel like she's going to do it again and that the only reason she's sorry is because her ex ratted her out and she got caught ... I don't know what to do...I do care about her but in the back of my head I just think it's going to happen again and I'd be an idiot to fall for it ... What should I do... my heart says stay my head says NO!
 Cynderella
Joined: 3/8/2007
Msg: 2
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Okay Well She Cheated....
Posted: 2/13/2018 4:02:32 AM
The heart and head syndrome...
Tough call for we want to believe that we can change a cheater.
We want to believe if we love then enough they won't cheat...
What is the saddest part is love is not enough.
She is lonely so she cheated...sad excuse.
The lies and excuses will only get better.
I feel for you for it hurts when wanting to believe in someone that most likely won't change.
You will never trust and it will always drive you crazy every time you are apart.
I personally would choose her for the friendship and find a faithful girl for the relationship.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 3
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Okay Well She Cheated....
Posted: 2/13/2018 4:37:13 AM
I don't know if there's really any completely reliable way to have confidence that someone who has cheated, wont do it again.

One thing that I have seen proven again and again, is that the REASON people give for cheating, seems to be the most important key to recognizing the ones who will or wont do it again.

* anyone who blames other people for their cheating, will cheat again. Whether they blame their mate, or they blame the charmer who they cheat with, doesn't seem to matter. Unless they accept 100% responsibility for their choice, they will do it again and again. If nothing else, because the world has THAT many people willing to facilitate the would-be cheat.

* people have to have a POSITIVE reason to behave themselves well, in any aspect of their lives, or they will be unreliable. That means, that fear of punishment or penalty or even of consequences, will not be enough. They have to WANT to behave well, in order to please THEMSELVES. Even knowing that their mate will be upset if they cheat, and caring about how their mate feels, isn't enough. They have to want to be LOYAL, for the sake of being loyal.

Another rather obnoxious fact to deal with in the age range here, is that the teens and twenties seems to be the portion of any human's life, where they are most likely to not yet actually HAVE a real, personal set of morals or philosophical standards. Instead, they have a mix of things they were told growing up, and things they wish they could get away with, which they are more or less experimenting with. They will repeat various principles by rote memory, so that you can THINK they believe this or that, and they might well think they do too. But it takes time and experience for a person to truly integrate what they believe, into a comprehensive personal philosophy or set of behavioral boundaries, and the teens and twenties are usually much too soon for them to have done so.

In a way, this particular story is something I saw happen over and over again when I was that age, and suffered through myself (of course). Young people made all sorts of brave and forthright-sounding promises and vows to each other, and earnestly believed that they were telling truths, when actually they had yet to have really understood the extent of what they were making vows about. The most common thing I saw, were people who would say with complete conviction, that they loved their official mate with all their heart...and then when they weren't right in front of them, the passion that they had deduced that claim from, would fade and be replaced by whatever passion or sexual attraction they felt for the NEXT person who was right in front of them, and they would suddenly doubt that the first passion was "real love."

So in a way, everyone cheated, and nobody cheated. Everyone was doing "experiments," whether they realized it or not. And it was extremely painful to each other, and often dangerous, but it was pretty much normal human behavior the whole time.

Just another reason why most people need to date for a fairly long time, before they can make or trust any promises they or the other person wants to make to them.
 Naturalselection53
Joined: 1/13/2016
Msg: 4
Okay Well She Cheated....
Posted: 2/13/2018 5:07:13 AM
^^^^^^^^^^
Best answer you are going to get. Sorry you are hurting OP.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 1/17/2018
Msg: 5
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Okay Well She Cheated....
Posted: 2/13/2018 8:02:22 AM
Well, cheating aside, which totally sucks.
I'd be more concerned about a person that gets "lonely"
because her boyfriend can only sleep with her 2 or 3 times
a week.

And then there's the cheating...cheating on her ex with you
and then cheating on you with her ex.

It's sad that our decision making process goes out the window
when we think we're in love. People put up with this stuff, but
can't get over someone pulling in front of them in traffic or
skipping a line. Brains are stupid sometimes.
 halcyon_skies
Joined: 7/27/2015
Msg: 6
Okay Well She Cheated....
Posted: 2/13/2018 6:42:57 PM

Now before we started even dating I knew this was a possibility because she cheated on her ex.... but I figured maybe her and I would be different ....


That's what people who choose to get involved with cheaters all think---that it will be different with them. And sorry to say, but they usually turn out to be wrong.

If you can remember only one lesson, it's this: If a person will cheat WITH you, they will cheat ON you.
 BLUEMISS
Joined: 7/15/2007
Msg: 7
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Okay Well She Cheated....
Posted: 2/13/2018 10:41:30 PM
They're always sorry... when they get caught.
They always love you...when they get caught.
They'll always change...when they get caught.
Truth is, they are only thinking of themselves and couldn't give a shit about you...
or they wouldn't have cheated in the first place.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 8
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Okay Well She Cheated....
Posted: 2/13/2018 10:59:51 PM
^^^^^^
Amazing
 dpwesu
Joined: 3/25/2013
Msg: 9
Okay Well She Cheated....
Posted: 2/14/2018 3:57:46 AM

They're always sorry... when they get caught.
They always love you...when they get caught.
They'll always change...when they get caught.
Truth is, they are only thinking of themselves and couldn't give a shit about you...
or they wouldn't have cheated in the first place



Amen to that!!! I think we have all heard this BS before.......ESPECIALLY when they get caught!!!!
 LLove2LaughToo
Joined: 10/25/2017
Msg: 10
Okay Well She Cheated....
Posted: 2/14/2018 7:21:25 AM

I'd be an idiot to fall for it ...


You already know the answer.
 siisaa
Joined: 8/6/2017
Msg: 11
Okay Well She Cheated....
Posted: 2/14/2018 10:04:42 AM
Post #7 is GOLDEN.

OP, I think you know what to do. The harder choice is typically the right one.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 12
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Okay Well She Cheated....
Posted: 2/14/2018 12:46:15 PM

They're always sorry... when they get caught.
They always love you...when they get caught.
They'll always change...when they get caught.

Very true. Especially one of her type as he describes... but...

Truth is, they are only thinking of themselves and couldn't give a shit about you...
or they wouldn't have cheated in the first place.

I disagree with that as a universal thing. Sure, makes us feel better, gives us a pat on the back -- but it's not universally true. Closer to the truth with OP's scenario, though.

Even OP's friend-turned-GF -- she gave a sh!t about him... when she got caught. And after, until she feels she can keep him. That's the trap someone like OP can fall into. Yes, she DOES give a sh!t, she really does. She really IS sorry. But only for now. She'll give a sh!t about it, but won't see the light, once it settles if you go back to her. It'll be on a low-end scale... won't register as something big. Because in the end, she's not emotionally satisfied riding off in the sunset with ya. And given that she cheated on her ex, and truly Was into him and wanted to experience with him -- you can pretty much bank on the fact that she's always going to have this problem with everyone, to one degree or another.

OP: I think you aren't that torn, but it's tough as hell. She was a friend for 7 years before seeing each other. But let the fact that it was no-commitment for a long while to kick it off, be the 1st clue. She wasn't into Truly settling down, over time. Don't let yourself feeling "not good enough" be motive to chase her down. Don't do it. Her ex wasn't and won't be "good enough", in that sense. And pretty much Everyone won't ever be. It's her, not you. It's not a competition. You got that female friend you always were attracted to -- you got to pork her over and over... you got to have her want to settle down, and she did. At the end of the day, her true colors shined thru in what she wants down the line -- she can't settle down. She's F'd up about it -- which is why she wanted no-commitment stuff for so long when more-than-friends with you. You're a great guy, a great friend, and there's sexual attraction, but, crap about her ex, relationships, etc -- it's not good.

It's tough knowing her for so long. But she wasn't That That into you, when the rubber met the road. You KNOW this. Don't try and "win" her even more. Again, you already had her. You won that game. Not many guys can get the real cute female friend he's known over the years, let alone agree to be an item (FB or not). You won. She cheated, you're only asking for trouble -- You're not going to be happy in the end if you get back with her. You know that. You shouldn't have to chase any satisfaction. She cheats on everyone. Move on. Position yourself to Want to move on, by seeing reality for what it is. :)
 DrivingHarmony2018
Joined: 2/10/2018
Msg: 13
Okay Well She Cheated....
Posted: 2/16/2018 10:15:49 AM

I do care about her but in the back of my head I just think it's going to happen again and I'd be an idiot to fall for it ... What should I do... my heart says stay my head says NO!


Your brain (I don't like to use the word head in this scenario) is telling you to stay away. IMO, this is what you listen to. Your heart is too emotional which is attached to other parts...... YOU are young and your whole life is ahead (see how that works) of you. You will find a woman who will treat you better. You accept what you deserve. You deserve better, don't you? Deep down, you know what you need to do.
 CadetBoneSpurs
Joined: 2/7/2018
Msg: 14
Okay Well She Cheated....
Posted: 2/16/2018 1:40:13 PM

... What should I do... my heart says stay my head says NO!


First thing you need to do is remove this from your profile.

I hear a lot of women say that guys never know what they want. Well I guess I'm not one of those guys...
 Cynderella
Joined: 3/8/2007
Msg: 15
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Okay Well She Cheated....
Posted: 2/17/2018 5:11:33 AM

They're always sorry... when they get caught.
They always love you...when they get caught.
They'll always change...when they get caught.


Bingo

Most will do it again for when you forgive it like a free pass to do it again...in hopes they don't get caught again
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 16
Okay Well She Cheated....
Posted: 2/17/2018 6:49:45 AM
They will always blame it on you..............when they get caught.

To the best of my knowledge, and I will repeat, "best of my knowledge" neither husband, or several men of a year or more , LTR, have ever cheated on me.....................and I have cheated on no one.
I have dated / LTR, several men who claimed their prior SO, / ex-wife cheated on them. Current BF included.

And yet............most, although not all, speak of the ex as though she were a saint.
Not only did she cheat once, .........AND they took her back, ..............she DID it again!

I just shake my head. WHY on earth, do people want to give the "abuser" another round?

My advice? Slam the door, block the phone, change yourself.
BE the kind of person who will not attract or accept a cheater.
 fullmoonguy2
Joined: 6/14/2017
Msg: 17
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Okay Well She Cheated....
Posted: 2/17/2018 10:54:30 AM

we were best friends like 8 years


If this was an example of your "best" friend's behavior (lying and cheating), I'd hate to see the behavior of your less than best friends.


I don't know what to do...


Start hanging around a better quality of people.
 _Cinnamon__Girl_
Joined: 3/28/2016
Msg: 18
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Okay Well She Cheated....
Posted: 2/17/2018 11:17:35 AM
When someone shows you who they are, believe them. She's shown you.
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 19
Okay Well She Cheated....
Posted: 2/18/2018 12:36:59 PM
Some young women 26-27 or under are not mature enough to fall in love.

Don't hate her, it's just in her nature.

Time to let this one go and find a new girl - you will find love again.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 20
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Okay Well She Cheated....
Posted: 2/19/2018 12:19:43 PM

Some young women 26-27 or under are not mature enough to fall in love.

Don't hate her, it's just in her nature.

I highly disagree with this, tho. If you're 26-27, and you want to be friends-more-than-friends with a guy for a good while post-breakup, then officially go-steady for a little while, then go back to banging the Ex, then getting mad at the new BF for being caught after the Ex tells the new BF she's like this -- it ain't an age thing. She's not going to be anything close to textbook @36, 46, or 56 -- unless, maybe, she gets some big life-changing wakeup-call that few get or need.
 RenewedVigor2018
Joined: 2/5/2018
Msg: 21
Okay Well She Cheated....
Posted: 2/23/2018 3:32:30 AM
Well, send her on her way. It's simple. If she would screw someone else, she would probably be deceitful about a number of other things.

Walk and recover.
 feirene
Joined: 1/3/2017
Msg: 22
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Okay Well She Cheated....
Posted: 3/11/2018 8:30:07 AM

cause her ex boyfriend saw and it and said wait you two are official now and have been dating and I told him yep, he told me everything that's gone on between them the last few weeks, at first she denied it called him and I both sick and crazy...then when I told we're done she came out with the truth saying she's sorry, she was lonely, I wasn't there, that she's willing to regain my trust and do anything that I need, that she's never felt such strong feelings for anyone in her life that she was just scared


he dumped her? so now she's sorry...
who actually knows you're dating apart from people on your side of things? if she's keeping you hidden get rid of her. she doesn't value you in her life and is treating you like a side piece.
 Nezz123
Joined: 9/6/2011
Msg: 23
Okay Well She Cheated....
Posted: 3/21/2018 1:26:54 PM
Oh yeah, she'll probably cheat again. And/or deceive you in other ways.

You don't have to hate her or wish her any ill will, but save yourself from the pain, time waste, and lost opportunities she'll cost you.

Sorry this happened to you. :< Chin up!
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