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Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > Should I delay dating until my kids are older?      Home login  
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 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 1
Should I delay dating until my kids are older? Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Since I returned to online dating, I've really struggled to figure out what exactly I'm looking for.

For the first few months after the end of a 9-year relationship, every time my kids would go to their dad's I would feel so depressed and miss them and worry about them. Other people advised me the best way to feel better was to embrace the free time by finding something fun to do, maybe try dating. I mulled it over in my head a while then rejoined POF after 9 years away.

I figured maybe I'd just have fun talking to guys online, get myself used to it again. I began getting into it, getting excited about it. I got a nice haircut, bought new clothes, started to get myself happier about life in general. The first guy I met and liked out of the gate was my ex which was a mistake on my part because it brought old feelings into the forefront and I just wasn't ready for that. That fling ended but I moved on and began talking and sometimes meeting other guys.

Then my kids' dad decided to leave the province, suddenly taking away all my free weekends (he got them two out of three weekends plus two evenings on the week he didn't get the weekend). Suddenly the free time I had finally embraced and started to enjoy were pulled out from under me. I was left thinking, "what now? should I even bother dating anymore now that I have no time now?"

My kids' dad pretty much left them so they need me more and I struggle with wondering if I'm selfish to want to try and date, to leave them with babysitters so I can go out and have a break. I work fulltime and that takes time away from them. Yet I am lonely for male companionship. I've considered casual hookups but I don't feel right about it but I don't think I have the time to dedicate to a real relationship. Should I just give up on the idea until my kids are older? I have an 8, 6, and 1-year-old. How long should I wait?
 Cynderella
Joined: 3/8/2007
Msg: 2
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Should I delay dating until my kids are older?
Posted: 2/27/2018 7:38:11 AM
I personally waited till my kids were all outta the nest.
It was more important to me to spend my time with them as dad chose to move away.
I didn't want my kids confused with men in and or out of our lives.
It was an easy choice for me.
Now being single for so long....
I'm not into a full on relationship as I've become very comfortable in being single.
It would be nice the have a good man but I happy either way.
 MadameBoisseau
Joined: 5/11/2017
Msg: 3
Should I delay dating until my kids are older?
Posted: 2/27/2018 7:42:09 PM
You are NOT selfish for wanting to date.
Humans are social creatures and need romance, that didn't change simply because because you became a mother.
What did change however is priorities. You are no longer dating for YOURSELF - you have to date with your children in mind.
That means no bringing home a guy unless you are both committed - you don't let your kids come around people you don't know or people who are not certain they are ready for the long haul so there is no little broken hearts when things don't work out.
Your romantic pursuits come AFTER your parental obligations. You go on maybe one date a week - few hours on a Saturday night after the kids are asleep. You talk on the phone after they have been tucked in their beds and no longer need you.
You look for good paternal qualities: patience, protector skills, solid work ethic, emotional stability, loyalty, honesty, altruism, compassion, etc.
You be ready to cut things off immediately at the first red flag, a bad guy can do way more than just break your heart when kids are involved.
 Platinum_Blonde_Angel
Joined: 1/23/2018
Msg: 4
Should I delay dating until my kids are older?
Posted: 3/3/2018 3:39:17 AM
When I was younger & single w/ kids, I did a combo of what Cyndi & Madame B. advise.

I either did not date & focused on things that were more for us as a family unit

OR

I dated, but was very selective & looked for men who were accepting & positive role models, even if they were friends more than lovers.

OP understand that either choice is OK, there are no right or wrong answers EXCEPT that any & all men you bring around your kids must be RESPECTFUL.

There may be a like minded male around, I did date 1 man for 3 years when my kids were younger as he was a custodial father.

It's OK to understand that you too have social & physical needs & if you can balance that w/ your parental role, why not?

You may not date as frequently as a childless woman, but I am sure there are some good men out there.

I'd also try to join something like Parents w/o Partners, or meetups involving single parents & their kids, a church group, etc.
 fullmoonguy2
Joined: 6/14/2017
Msg: 5
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Should I delay dating until my kids are older?
Posted: 3/3/2018 9:46:32 AM

You look for good paternal qualities: patience, protector skills, solid work ethic, emotional stability, loyalty, honesty, altruism, compassion, etc.


Aren't those the right qualities to look for even when children AREN'T involved?

Or do good qualities just go out the window when it's only 1 single person?
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 6
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Should I delay dating until my kids are older?
Posted: 3/3/2018 5:18:46 PM
After making all the mistakes, damaging my children, and making a total ass of myself with men, is that your home is where your children should be safe so don't bring your dates home, or even tell them where you live until you know them well.

Pedophiles often look to date single, lonely women, but also enjoy tricking smart women. Never, ever assume you know these men, even if you've known of them for years.

Children need to be properly taken care of, it's the parents' job, no matter how unfair it might seem at times, one slip up is all it takes.

Most dates don't lead to long term, stable relationships, so not worth involving your children.

Never be so lonely that you would take a chance on what might happen to your children.

I am not meaning to sound harsh, and I do not mean your children should run your life, I mean they are children and the mistakes you make will always effect them.

Of course I'm referring to men here, because you are talking about dating men, but women are equally a threat to one's children, you have to be diligent with the safety of your children.
 feirene
Joined: 1/3/2017
Msg: 7
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Should I delay dating until my kids are older?
Posted: 3/10/2018 4:14:59 PM
when my oldest 2 were young i just spend time socalising on the internet on non-dating sites, ended up meeting my youngest two kids dad that way (wasn't even looking for anyone but he chased me and we stayed together 11 years).

be selfish if you want to, call it self care though. if you're finding it hard to have time for everything i guess you may have to wait until you have more time?
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 8
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Should I delay dating until my kids are older?
Posted: 3/11/2018 10:05:13 PM
Would you feel selfish if it was a girl's night out?
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 9
Should I delay dating until my kids are older?
Posted: 3/20/2018 12:54:18 PM
[Quote]Would you feel selfish if it was a girl's night out?
Yes. I would. I feel bad paying a babysitter because I should be trying to save money, not spend it on unnecessary things. I rely on family to watch my kids when I'm at work and I also pay a babysitter for that. I don't get time for myself outside the house except when I'm at work unless I choose to forgo a couple necessary hours of sleep. After the kids go to bed I clean the house then have a bath or go on my phone or watch tv. And the monotony is getting to me.

I chose to have my kids and understand the sacrifices but I just am resenting the fact that I'm raising my kids alone. Even when we were together I did most of the stuff with my kids without their dad, he was always going out on his own and I did 95% of the housework and childminding and when he watched them when I was at work he barely did anything for them. And then he split when he found a new woman and I don't even know where he lives now. I've heard he does under the table stuff to get money so I don't get child support so I pay for everything on my own. I'm feeling really frustrated with everything.

I know there's people here who will tell me to quit whining because everything is my own damn fault. And I admit it is. I chose to have my kids with a loser. I was just another pathetic and stupid woman who thought she could change a guy. Well, lesson learned. But now I'm looking at another 17 years of doing everything on my own and it makes me sad. I've decided to give dating a rest for the next few years at least but the decision has been hard. I'm tired of feeling lonely.
 feirene
Joined: 1/3/2017
Msg: 10
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Should I delay dating until my kids are older?
Posted: 3/20/2018 1:00:45 PM
it's not your fault. i doubt you planned to be bringing up kids on your own and for the entire burden to be on you for raising them. you've been left to deal with it this way and that's not even your fault either, you've been responsible that's all. was the same with my first ex, he almost put me off men forever but i got lucky that a decent guy decided he wanted me and pursued me and gave me my faith back in men.

i agree your ex is a loser.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 11
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Should I delay dating until my kids are older?
Posted: 3/20/2018 4:39:05 PM

I chose to have my kids and understand the sacrifices but I just am resenting the fact that I'm raising my kids alone.
and when he watched them when I was at work he barely did anything for them.

Are you having trouble accepting that you will be raising them alone. Seems to me it is the best thing that could happen for them.

Are you aware of this? Canada child benefit.

https://www.canada.ca/en/revenue-agency/services/child-family-benefits/canada-child-benefit-overview.html


I know there's people here who will tell me to quit whining

Honestly who gives a fuck about other peoples negative opinions. You aren't whining, you're looking for advice. There's a difference. You're also venting which is helpful I hope.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 12
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Should I delay dating until my kids are older?
Posted: 3/20/2018 9:39:28 PM
Are you aware of this? Canada child benefit.

https://www.canada.ca/en/revenue-agency/services/child-family-benefits/canada-child-benefit-overview.html
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 13
Should I delay dating until my kids are older?
Posted: 3/20/2018 11:07:36 PM
I get the child benefit already and I make a good wage but I've been left with a lot of debt, most of it not mine but it's in my name so I'm stuck with it and I've found that the cost of living has risen so much in the last few years while my wage hasn't. Childcare is a big expense, about $600 a month and with the price of groceries now and the rise in the cost of energy and power and water I don't know how I'll ever get out of my mother's house. There's nothing to rent that's affordable but my income is too high to get into low-income housing. There's a huge problem in Saskatchewan with a lack of family rental housing. Every time something affordable comes up, which is seldom, there's so much competition to get in and I never do. So renting doesn't seem to be an option. I pick up a lot of extra shifts to build up my savings so I can eventually save up a downpayment to buy a house. But it will take a couple of years.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 14
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Should I delay dating until my kids are older?
Posted: 3/21/2018 4:23:56 AM
I had to mention it twice. You'd be surprised how many people don't know about it. I have to say I am surprised a single mother with three kids doesn't qualify for low-income housing though it's been quite a few years since I've dealt with such things and they're criteria may have changed to collect welfare and you qualify. The price of groceries though is a major problem unless you live in a major city the costs of many things and I'm talking the basics can be 30 - 50% higher. I'm not sure Yorkton qualifies as a major city, it's been a while since I went shopping there.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 15
Should I delay dating until my kids are older?
Posted: 3/21/2018 7:30:39 AM
Yorkton is small, only 17,000 people. I filled out my application for low-income housing 5 months ago but they said I likely won't get a place because the waiting list for lower income families is too high. I don't qualify based on my income but I do for need. The rental market here is very small. I've applied at a lot of apartment complexes but I didn't get in. It's likely because I have kids and apartment owners would rather rent to older people and adults. Young kids are noisy.

I know several people my age who have had to move back I with their parents due to the lack of affordable rental housing. Saskatchewan's economy really skyrocketed from 2005 to 2015 and housing did not keep up.and There's no rent control here. It really sucks. My brother's rent rose from $600 to $900 in one year. I love my mom and she helps me out with the kids a lot but I really miss having my own place. I think not having my own place is what bugs me the most about this whole situation. My ex and I rented houses for the last 3 years of our relationship after we sold our house in Manitoba but we moved 10 times in the 3 years. The only houses for rent were also for sale so we would rent a house for a few months then it would get sold and we would have to move again. I'm not willing to do that any more. Moving is very stressful.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 16
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Should I delay dating until my kids are older?
Posted: 3/21/2018 5:19:38 PM

I know several people my age who have had to move back I with their parents due to the lack of affordable rental housing.

Actually it's happening all over Canada and the States.

Jan 25, 2018
According to 2016 census data, 34.7 per cent of young adults between the ages of 20 and 34 were living with at least one parent. It's a number that has steadily increased from 30.6 per cent in 2001.

Edmonton is below the national average, with 26.8 per cent living with a parent, while Toronto has the highest rate in the country at 47.4 per cent.

http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/edmonton/millennial-university-alberta-michelle-maroto-1.4504318

Do they have rent control in Manitoba? We had it here years ago though it's been so long I can't remember when. My rent went up around $300 in 18 months and now stands at $1185 for a 2 bedroom apartment though it hasn't gone up in five years now due to vacancy rates here in Saskatoon.

Yes I can imagine how stressful it must have become having moved so many times so quickly. That one last move would be nice for you and especially for your kids.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 17
Should I delay dating until my kids are older?
Posted: 3/21/2018 9:55:58 PM
Manitoba had rent control although low vacancy rates. Too many condo developments being built and no rental housing. The govt here in Saskatchewan is trying to sell off its housing and wants to put no new money into housing. I know one town where lots of people have been denied housing because they don't qualify as low income but the govt claims because these units are sitting empty they need to be sold and moved. There's a lot of demand though so it's all bullshit on the goat's part.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 18
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Should I delay dating until my kids are older?
Posted: 3/21/2018 10:14:17 PM
Oh be nice. Those ***holes are just trying to be fiscally responsible after wasting so much of our money on things we didn't need like a new football stadium after all that's more important then providing the people they serve with things that they actually need. What town are you talking about if you don't mind my asking. What are the chances they didn't factor inflation into the low-income level needed to qualify for such housing and the qualification hasn't been changed in years? I'm guessing you might know the answer.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 19
Should I delay dating until my kids are older?
Posted: 3/24/2018 12:10:23 PM
Its actually a number of small towns in and around Melville, places like Neudorf, Balcarres, Canola, etc. These units are just sitting empty and are neglected. The govt says they are not being used so should be sold. Unfortunately, there's a great demand for middle income family housing in the province but neither government nor the private sector have an interest in it. The private sector is just building high income rentals and condos. The Sask Party twiddle their thumbs and ignores the problem.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 20
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Should I delay dating until my kids are older?
Posted: 3/24/2018 12:23:33 PM
I know the first towns you named and what government ever really looks after the people. It's more apparent in the states than here that they prefer to look after the interests first of those who donate the most money to their party. Of course some of it is under the table. You have a better memory than me, can you think of a government policy that has helped a majority of the people living here? Improving infrastructure doesn't count.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 21
Should I delay dating until my kids are older?
Posted: 3/24/2018 1:54:59 PM
[Quote]I know the first towns you named and what government ever really looks after the people. It's more apparent in the states than here that they prefer to look after the interests first of those who donate the most money to their party. Of course some of it is under the table. You have a better memory than me, can you think of a government policy that has helped a majority of the people living here? Improving infrastructure doesn't count.
Well, we could go all the way back to the CCF Party and Tommy Douglas when medicare was brought in. The CCF/NDP also brought in a lot of other good programs for people despite pressure from big business to not do so. The 80s and 9ps were a bust though. The Sask Party did a lot to improve the economy but they lack desire for social programming and have really failed when it came to the healthcare portfolio. Generally though, the best thing about Canadian politics whenever the main parties get out of touch with the people, a third party is always easy to come up the middle to keep them in check (ie. NDP, Bloc, Reform, etc.). Its too bad the American system doesn't really allow for a real third party. It would really shake things up.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 22
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Should I delay dating until my kids are older?
Posted: 3/24/2018 2:37:09 PM
Yes the CCF is a long way to go back. lol As for the saskparty improving the economy, remember they were also the Progressive Conservatives who under Grant Devine saddled us with massive debt. I don't see them as improving our economy, most of our resources and farmers took care of themselves. Can you give examples? Again the memory thing
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 23
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Should I delay dating until my kids are older?
Posted: 4/4/2018 2:35:28 AM
In the U.S., there's also a long waiting list for low-income housing, and an even longer wait for places that are considered safer/nicer. A lot of people lost their homes several years ago, and moved them and their kids in with their parents. It was difficult for them to rent because rents went up, since all of the displaced home owners were now renting.

My gf is in the same predicament with wanting to date, but it's more about not having the time. Her 13 year old plays soccer, then switched to basketball. She's busy after work and most weekends chauffeuring him around and attending practice and games. The ex was desperate to fight for custody to screw her and his son over, then doesn't take him when it's his custody time, so she gets him unexpectedly when the ex decides he doesn't want him.

She's also paying for the ex's debt, which is partially her fault for letting him create debt. When he got booted from 2 jobs, he cashed out his 401ks instead of rolling them into IRAs. Her debt kept her from refinancing the house she got to keep, and then had to sell. Lesson learned to keep hubbie's debt out of her name. I knew to do that for my marriage. Saved me a ton of money.

Make a financial plan for your future. Try to save and pay off debt while living at home. That's an advantage of being there. Think of it that way. Bad credit effects everything, like getting a car loan, etc.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 24
Should I delay dating until my kids are older?
Posted: 4/4/2018 12:52:45 PM
I'm trying to pay off debt living with my mom but I still do pay her rent and buy a lot of groceries. I probably save about $800 a month living with her which I use to pay off debt. The plan is to stay the course until the end of June although it is very trying at times. My mom has been used to living by herself for the past 9 years and she resents not having a quiet house anymore because we are always here. She's had a few blow-ups on me and the kids and has said she doesn't like having us live here anymore, that she misses her peace and quiet. She's a bit of a clean freak too and it is driving me crazy constantly washing dishes, sweeping the floors, cleaning up behind the kids multiple times a day and telling the kids to be quieter and so forth. Currently, I have one more major decision to make: my ex may soon qualify for legal aid and then will be able to get a lawyer to fight for custody. Currently he is in hiding from me and I can't serve him papers so we have no custody order, not even an interim one in place. I completed all the custody order papers on my own and was trying to file without the help of a lawyer but if he gets a lawyer then I'll have to get one. I don't think there's any chance he'll get what he wants custody-wise because he left the province, pays no support and has a criminal record and I could get references against him up the yingyang but it's not a battle I really want to fight. The cheapest lawyer I could find wants a $2500 deposit which would take me 5 months to save. At least I was never married so don't have to worry about getting a divorce.
 Guerrero
Joined: 5/8/2006
Msg: 25
Should I delay dating until my kids are older?
Posted: 4/4/2018 2:50:50 PM
julystorm7


The cheapest lawyer I could find wants a $2500 deposit which would take me 5 months to save. At least I was never married so don't have to worry about getting a divorce.


Why do not you self-represent yourself? You can get a free online legal consultation.
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