Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Are you lonely?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 1
Are you lonely?Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
This is a general question. I'm wondering how many people come on to the forums or on pof because they feel genuinely lonely (and by lonely I do not mean just horny).

I find that I feel lonely a lot. I have family and kids and friends to keep me busy but I often feel lonely because I have no one to talk to about real stuff. My family and kids are great but there's a lot of things I can't really talk about with them. I have long convos with my mom but she's of a different moral centre than me (much more old-fashioned) so there's a lot I don't talk about with her plus she has very different interests than me. The friends I have around here are only superficial friends, polite conversation but I only hang around them because they have kids my kids' age or I work with them and we don't have a lot in common. All the great friends I've ever had live far away and live busy lives so we rarely talk or see each other and I miss having a real friendship. My longterm relationship was not conducive to friendships and now that I'm single I've tried to find friends but my interests don't align well with others. I guess I'm kind of an intellectual person, I love to talk about social issues, politics, news,etc. and I also can go on and on about sports topics too and most of the women I meet have no interest in that stuff. Most of the women around that I seem to be in the same social class with are a lot less educated than me and I hope I don't sound like a snob but they lack depth in their conversations. I have zero interest in shows like The Bachelor and Pinterest and other things they talk about. Women that I do have stuff in common with tend to be in great marriages and live in nice houses and go on annual vacations to Cuba or Mexico and have great hairstyles, nails done, nice clothes and I don't fit in with them either because I don't have money. Money seems to be a very big divider when it comes to social groups.

I am lonely for physical intimacy too with a man. And by this, I don't just mean sex. I miss the cuddling, the foreplay, the romance, that kind of thing. I miss the texting and the talking. I miss the sex too but for me, sex without all the other stuff just sucks.

According to psychologists, there are 6 types of loneliness:

1. Interpersonal loneliness: This is the result of lacking or losing a significant, or intimate, relationship.

2. Social loneliness: This is where a person is on the fringes of a group, excluded from a group, or is actively rejected.

3. Cultural loneliness: This is where a person belongs to a different culture and feels that they don’t fit, or belong, in the new culture.

4. Intellectual loneliness: This is where a person feels intellectually, or educationally, out of synch with their peers, their family or their social group.

5. Psychological loneliness: This is where a person has experienced a trauma that separates them out from others around them. That is, it’s something other people can’t fully understand.

6. Existential or cosmic loneliness: This is an isolating loneliness experienced by a person who is facing death.

I think for me, 1, 2 and 4 would apply, especially #4.
 blackbeauty744
Joined: 12/1/2015
Msg: 2
view profile
History
Are you lonely?
Posted: 3/21/2018 9:49:50 AM
Money seems to be a very big divider when it comes to social groups.

Definitely

The friends I have around here are only superficial friends, polite conversation but I only hang around them because they have kids my kids' age or I work with them and we don't have a lot in common.

Do you use meetup.com or meet people at church?
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 3
Are you lonely?
Posted: 3/21/2018 10:19:50 AM
Someone pointed me to meetup but there's nothing in my area. And as for church...I go every Sunday morning when I'm not working but the bulk of people at church are much older. I sometimes take part in stuff but again, it's just polite conversation. I also joined a rec soccer night and I enjoyed it but I wasn't included or invited to stuff after games. I even invited myself a couple times but it didn't work out. Again, I ran into the problem of not fitting in with the other women. They were in the money group and when we were in our street clothes I felt kind of out of my element, like a plain jane. In our soccer stuff we were all the same but in real clothes not so much. They were all in nice makeup, clothes, etc. and I didn't feel like I fit in. I never wear makeup and I just don't feel like myself with it on and I can't afford all the nice clothes and stuff. I was usually always confident in my skin but before I just had likeminded people I hung around with.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 4
view profile
History
Are you lonely?
Posted: 3/21/2018 11:32:37 AM
No, I am not lonely, I don't know if others find this good or bad, but I like my own company. I have lived with my oldest daughter and son-in-law for the last 11 years and my granddaughter has been around since she was 8 months old, she's been living with us for over 3, or maybe 4 years, and I enjoy their company too, but they've been stationed in Maryland since August of 2016 they are often gone for 2 or more years at a time. I take care of living in their house and watching their cats, so really I am not alone. But I did live alone for many years and I liked that too.

I have lived many years where I deeply wished for a man, but then when I had one, after the initial thrill, I really resented them being around, which isn't fair to them. Since my hormones have quit running my mind LOL I haven't found any reason to date at all. I am feeling fine about that, it's quite freeing, something I used to think people said when they couldn't find someone, but now I understand it.

I know that's of no help for you, but I am just answering your question, no, I am not lonely.

Try becoming happy where you are, doing things you like doing, and be friendly with people you find interesting. That's the best way I think, so that the men you do date are the type of people you want to be with. It usually doesn't help to find men who are not going to be happy if you've given them a wrong impression. Don't meet men in bars, for an example, if you don't normally go to bars, etc.
 purplerider1200
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 5
view profile
History
Are you lonely?
Posted: 3/21/2018 3:22:55 PM
You can put me in reason#2.

Except that I don't notice it any more. I grew up on a farm, not many kids lived around me. Self amusement was thrust upon me. Then, too, I was sent to a catholic school, all the kids in my class lived in a nearby town. I wasn't within walking distance of any of the kids in my class.

Then, I got put into the public school system. They had five years of knowing the kids around them, and since I was the new kid,I was left to be on the outside looking in. But I was not without my own devices. I was a saver, and an earner, I bought my own minibike. That started my love affair with motorized two wheelers. High school was no better for me. But, I turned into a motocrosser, the only one in my high school. That school wasn't well known for its sports teams, bet they never won more that a handful of games in anything while I attended. Me, on the otherhand, I finished 5th in the state, in 125cc class, and 7th in 250cc class my last two years in high school. But to them, I was a big nobody. So what?

By that time, I was skilled at self amusement. My 50th season aboard two wheels is this year. There is never a time I don't have a bike to ride. (I've got TOO MANY of them!) Heck, I've got one bike that outlasted my marriage- and I still ride it. As long as I've got a bike to ride, I'll never consider myself lonely.
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 6
view profile
History
Are you lonely?
Posted: 3/21/2018 4:19:59 PM
I understand about No. 4. I have unusual interests i.e. metaphysical and esoteric and it is hard to find like minded souls. I do have a few friends who are into that but I dont see them very often. I am single and they have families and busy lives. The bouts of loneliness are intense but thankfully short. I am too old for a physical sexual partnership and honestly dont find men my age attractive anyway.. I am surprised you are lonely when you have a mother and family around. I have none of that.
 2ufo
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 7
view profile
History
Are you lonely?
Posted: 3/21/2018 5:04:19 PM
I really like this question - made me think.

No, I'm not lonely even though 5 of the 6 types of loneliness could apply to me:

1. Interpersonal: I lack an intimate (sexual) relationship and, quite truthfully, most of my friendships aren't deeply intimate.

2. Social: I am usually actively rejected as being *OMG* fat. And on the fringe since I don't have common interests in TV shows.

3. Cultural: I was raised overseas in a military family and continued it when I went to work.

4. Intellectual: I'm smarter than most people and have been through more diverse experiences than most people (living in other countries will do that).

5. Psychological: Yes, past trauma.

As Dayna says, 'I like my own company'. Maybe I'm all I need.
 trinity818
Joined: 9/1/2006
Msg: 8
view profile
History
Are you lonely?
Posted: 3/21/2018 5:10:27 PM

I really like this question - made me think.


Ditto.

I'm not really lonely either. I envy (a little) those who were fortunate enough to experience a long-lasting, committed, fulfilling marriage. I wasn't able to achieve that.

But in the end, I'm satisfied with the outcome. (And that's saying a lot!)
 ThePigOfYourDreams
Joined: 6/30/2017
Msg: 9
Are you lonely?
Posted: 3/21/2018 5:45:16 PM
My loneliness is killing me. I must confess, I still believe. When I'm not with you I lose my mind.

Give me a sign...
 Cynderella
Joined: 3/8/2007
Msg: 10
view profile
History
Are you lonely?
Posted: 3/21/2018 6:18:34 PM
Giving you a sign
 ThePigOfYourDreams
Joined: 6/30/2017
Msg: 11
Are you lonely?
Posted: 3/21/2018 6:25:27 PM
Hit me, baby, one more time.
 MachIMustangII
Joined: 2/16/2018
Msg: 12
cue the Elvis
Posted: 3/21/2018 6:48:15 PM
I also agree its a good question. Some partners get clingy b/c they don't have platonic relationships as an outlet.

I like coming here for the mental exercise. there are people smart enough to teach even me, something new. I would hate #4, I've been there before. The irony is that its relative--we don't have to be Stephen Hawking to feel sometimes we're the smartest person in the room :) But sometimes, we can find some common ground with a dope--there must be something they're interested in enough to tell a story that's interesting simply b/c they're passionate. I have two friends I can talk to about morals, beliefs, and current affairs. one calls daily, the other I see on Fridays. The latter is married to a, well, dope, and has a child too young to discuss such matters with (suddenly i'm reminded of that saying about how small minds talk about people and big minds talk about things).

b/c its winter, I don't miss intimacy as much, having had so little experience with it. but come summertime, i'll be out in the crowds and reminded of what I've missed all my life. Sometimes i'll watch a TV show, and a couple will have banter and interaction and it will remind me that its easy to fantasize about physical touch, not so much about how another human acts, interacts, and responds to what you say or do. to be recognized, to have someone laugh with you, to have someone be amazed at something outside that amazes you as well. to discover something new and go, "hey, let me share this with you. it turned me on, and it may do the same to you." Its why I don't travel much, b/c if I saw something neat, I couldn't turn to a human and grab their arm and go, holy sh__ did you just see that?

I spent too much time with #2 and #3. I was the country kid in a city school, the commuter in college, I never drank, et cetera, always the outsider. At university, people would want to sit around and have a beer, and i'd be like, "the fine arts college has student art on display, the admin building has Native American history on display, the math/sci building has science and engineering stuff on display, there's two other museums here, the Student U has guest lectures and the book store has authors doing book signings and.... and you want to sit on your ass and swallow Piels or Rolling Rock all afternoon and chatter about some lame TV show or something."

Inevitably, I was my own company. I don't blame anyone for not accomplishing that skill. Those students who were not interested in museums or guest lecturers or free bands or whatever else aren't bad people, and likely they felt lonely often. The booze probably helped to make other people seem great--isn't everyone your friend when you're drunk? I guess that's how they coped.

but I also should point out...as we age and mature, we need less company in our lives. from age 18 I lived alone, and wished I had people come to visit my bungalow. Now, when the phone rings, i'm like, "who the hell is that, and can't they see i'm busy doing nothing?" :) During the few months of summer here, there's a dude I see at a lot of car shows. I'll talk to him at every one, but then when winter comes we disappear from each others' lives. (tho he's one of those guys who keeps talking, 2hrs after the show has ended and the lights are turned off and the bugs are out, he's still yappin'. I figure that's being alone :) But at least its either intelligent or interesting, he does not ramble).

"Money seems to be a very big divider when it comes to social groups. "

>>>it sure can! I used to refer to social groups, now I refer to socio-economic groups. in scenarios that have nothing to do with morals, what we can afford to do, defines what we do...and don't do. my bestie wonders why we don't hang out like we used to, and I point out b/c she's dead-ass broke at age 61...she needs to save up and pay down her debt so she doesn't lose her house, or she'll just work until she drops dead.

(she'll always say, "do you know how bad my situation is?" and i'll resist saying, dummy, EVERYONE knew it back then, and told you to worry about it when you had the time to fix it.")
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 13
cue the Elvis
Posted: 3/21/2018 6:54:00 PM
No.
I was an only child for the first 12 years of my life, we moved often, lived in 9 different states, 20 different towns, attended 12 different schools, 3x, 2 different schools in 1 year, all BEFORE I was 19 years old. Lived in the country, lived in town.
I discovered, the best method to avoid isolation, avoid being the outsider, avoid loneliness, was to jump in / join in, be a friend, to have friends. I learned others will want to be with you if you give them "a safe place to land".

I have been single the majority of my adult life. After my 2nd divorce I did not date for 8 years.
Two children, many friends, married friends, busy social life.
Never lonely. Alone but not lonely,

Now during my marriages? Yes, hours of loneliness

Elvis? How did he get here? LOL
 backcreek7
Joined: 12/2/2014
Msg: 14
view profile
History
Are you lonely?
Posted: 3/21/2018 6:56:11 PM
^ sir pig > col

{ loneliness }

".. Beside your rooms, behind your walls ...
... I see your face, you know I ~ hear your call ...
... Is this some madness, that's been left un-checked ? ...
... Or will there always be ~ just promises ? "

THE LONELY ONE by Dave Mason > Stevie Wonder ( harmonica ) & Leon Russell

> turn it up ^ clockwise fo sure

 Belleatrix
Joined: 12/17/2017
Msg: 15
view profile
History
Are you lonely?
Posted: 3/21/2018 8:28:11 PM
No.

It's the opposite, I enjoy time spent alone doing whatever I want (binging on Netflix/Hulu, eating, commuting, reading books and magazines, etc), that I get annoyed when in the company of other people.

There has been no lack of anything this 2018

I have so many things I want to do, that company is just a hinderance. Set goals for yourself and go after those goals.
 mahwahgirl339114
Joined: 10/31/2017
Msg: 16
Are you lonely?
Posted: 3/21/2018 9:22:37 PM
Yes, definitely. Isolation is not healthy. I've been single for a while and don't have much of a social circle, and it's a big problem. I've tried to join "communities" online but it hasn't stuck, I like in-person interaction. Yes I am lonely even though my job is so demanding lately that I would need to work on making time for someone else - but I gladly would make that time.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 17
Are you lonely?
Posted: 3/21/2018 10:41:04 PM
I think what gets me thinking about this subject is the fact that I am a home healthcare assistant and I work so much with elderly people who are lonely, many who are close to death, many who have lived with loneliness for decades. I am afraid of myself someday being like that. And I also see many elderly couples who are each other's best friends, who've spent 40 or 50 or 60 or 70 years together and it makes me really want that. I see many of my friend's parents who are still together after so many years and I wonder what it would have been like if my own parents had stayed together, how much happier both would have been if they had just stuck out the hard years. Neither of my parents are really happy now. My mom has lamented how she's still hurt by my dad leaving her all those years ago and my dad realized way too late that he made a mistake. And now I feel like a failure in the relationship department. I really stuck it out and for what?

I was single until I was 24. Truthfully, I was often really sad about being alone but I wanted to avoid the pain of a relationship seeing my own parents' major drama. Then my cousin died and I realized that I didn't want to be alone all my life so I immediately got a boyfriend. And when I was in a long-term relationship I often felt isolated and alone but in a different way. I would choose being in a crappy relationship for 50 years over being alone for 50 years. Just having someone sleeping beside you in bed is much better than sleeping in bed alone.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 18
view profile
History
Are you lonely?
Posted: 3/22/2018 12:43:18 AM
It's easy to choose being in a crappy relationship for 50 years over being alone. However you would always have the option of ending it and unhappiness would eventually drive you to search for something better. When that happened being alone wouldn't even be a consideration. Do you think you could spend another 40 years with your ex just so you wouldn't be alone?
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 19
Are you lonely?
Posted: 3/22/2018 7:31:28 AM
[Quote]It's easy to choose being in a crappy relationship for 50 years over being alone. However you would always have the option of ending it and unhappiness would eventually drive you to search for something better. When that happened being alone wouldn't even be a consideration. Do you think you could spend another 40 years with your ex just so you wouldn't be alone?[\quote]

That's a good question. Things are a bit harder now for me now. At least he provided me with free childcare, even if it was lacking in quality, during his many bouts of unemployment. He did have his uses like sex, doing yard work and taking out the garbage when asked. And despite the fact that he wasn't a great person, very selfish, the kids still love him and him leaving hurt them a lot. And when he was working, times were better because we had more money. I had kids with him and was determined to stick with him even though I didn't love him, to raise our kids together. I wanted to avoid the messy divorce stuff my parents put me and my brothers through. But I am happier now, much happier. So I guess maybe I'm much better off and my kids are much better off because he's a narcissist and he's a bad influence and he has mental problems, all things that took me a few years to realize. I spent too long trying to fix him and something I haven't told anyone is there were no many days I wished he just died.
 47Seagulls
Joined: 3/16/2018
Msg: 20
Are you lonely?
Posted: 3/22/2018 8:47:34 AM
The thing is, I think many of us have more than one of these on the list. I'm #1, 4, 5 I also know that some of this can lead to depression, mild or severe. Some turn to booze or drugs or prescriptions or retail therapy or other ways of dealing with it. I also agree with many that - I don't mind my own company and most times prefer being on my own. I think we build little walls around ourselves in some ways and they keep the "unwanted" out.

Having outside activities helps. I have friends is see, I see people in charity work I do, I have met some nice folks walking the dog...nice enough that we may go for a coffee and chat after a walk. But I pick and choose when and what frame of mind I'm in.

Lonely? Yes. To an extent. Manageable? Yes. Do I want another life partner? Ummmm, boy, he'd really have to "fit".
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 21
view profile
History
Are you lonely?
Posted: 3/22/2018 8:53:37 AM
He wasn't a good match, it's up to you to make sure you do the work to find a good match. Living through hard times is not the same thing as living with resentment and putting children through that. Each person has to figure out what's really important to them, then not let unimportant things creep in. That takes knowing what you really want, some therapy might help to figure this out. For me, the old saying that it's better to be alone than feeling alone while you are with someone, is true.
 2ufo
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 22
view profile
History
Are you lonely?
Posted: 3/22/2018 9:00:07 AM

Its why I don't travel much, b/c if I saw something neat, I couldn't turn to a human and grab their arm and go, holy sh__ did you just see that?

God, yes! The best part of travel is sharing experiences - even if you go separate way during the day at times - you meet back for lunch or dinner and talk about what you saw, how you felt about it, what was so amazing, maybe show off photos.


I discovered, the best method to avoid isolation, avoid being the outsider, avoid loneliness, was to jump in / join in, be a friend, to have friends. I learned others will want to be with you if you give them "a safe place to land".

I can do that. I'm easy to talk with and make other people feel comfortable to want to be with me because I make them feel safe or appreciated or more masculine/feminine or smarter. It's just time-consuming and draining and not usually worth the time I put into it. It's not that I can't make people want to be with me... it's usually more I don't want to be with them. Hmm, perhaps they don't make me feel appreciated? I'm very selfish with my time and energy.

Isolated? Yeah, usually in some way or another.
Lonely? Almost never.
Do I want another life partner? To travel with and cuddle with and have sex with and share with... yeah. He'd just have to be able to tolerate me ignoring him at times while I recharge my mental/emotional batteries. To me, that would be part of a good match.

 playingindirt
Joined: 2/16/2012
Msg: 23
view profile
History
Are you lonely?
Posted: 3/22/2018 9:33:32 AM
I was not a stranger to feelings of loneliness or feeling alone. I've felt it more around other people then I've ever felt it with my own company.

if anything I think we are bombarded with bogus ideas of what should or shouldn't make us complete, significant, or even happy. people tell themselves this stuff. programming.

not having the connection you desire doesn't have to make you alone or lonely unless you're feeding your brain that nonsense. the last time I checked the worlds population was estimated at 7.6 billion people. lol we are not alone. whether you meet that special person or not you are still not alone. there are bunch of people feeling out there.
hey I'd love nothing more then to have a groovy old man to love but I don't.

start looking inward. within yourself you have everything you need to love another human being. people seem to need that in their lives. start with being kind to yourself.

I never feel lonely. sometimes I feel like an alien but that's okay. I'm not alone. lol
 MsSkeezix
Joined: 7/1/2017
Msg: 24
Are you lonely?
Posted: 3/22/2018 9:49:04 AM
playing in the dirt wrote in part:
hey I'd love nothing more then to have a groovy old man to love but I don't.



I never feel lonely. sometimes I feel like an alien but that's okay. I'm not alone. lol


hahaha Well put!

+1

;-)
 MachIMustangII
Joined: 2/16/2018
Msg: 25
Are you lonely?
Posted: 3/22/2018 10:07:56 AM
in some cases, our loneliness is our attitude or our view on how we've made our life. We may feel lonely, then come online and get reminded of the foolishness out there, and then we're glad to be isolated from it :) and of course, there are people inclined to feel lonely.

"I work so much with elderly people who are lonely, many who are close to death, many who have lived with loneliness for decades."

>>>ouch, I took care of my parents, so that still hits me. Perhaps when we are middle-aged, we are still independent so loneliness isn't an issue, but as we get older and frail, we see our limitations. I know unless things change in my life, i'll be alone too when old, and no one will take care of me the way I've taken care of others. I guess that's unfair in a way, but if I really feel that then I should do something about it (like marry a hot girl half my age, LOL). There are scientific studies about people living longer with companionship, and it doesn't even have to be two-legged, a rescue dog can help. But I can't imagine a pet that doesn't outlive me, how sad that must be.

My father was one of many who passed away a year after his spouse of a lifetime went. But I've also known friends of my parents who outlasted their spouses by a few years, met a new partner, etc. But they were not a surprise, their attitude towards life pretty much predicted they weren't going to go downhill even when the love of their life went. They were too bon vivant, or too much a survivor.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Are you lonely?