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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Who messages you and you know they're not compatible?      Home login  
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 feirene
Joined: 1/3/2017
Msg: 1
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Who messages you and you know they're not compatible?Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Just had one from someone with an alcoholic drink in his name and a fair amount of bar pics, i don't drink so don't get why he'd think i'm compatible.

Other people i feel like are those who are 'normal' looking and not in the slightest bit weird, different, or interesting.
People with no profile because i have one.
People with no pics coz i have them too.
People not into intelligent stuff because i need some kind of stimulating conversation and enjoy learning things.

Do you also think people should at least message those they are more likely to be compatible with or do you think there are genuine reasons why they shouldn't? I get that nobody really cares and just seems to spam anyone and everyone, just thought it's be interesting to hear your views.
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 2
Who messages you and you know they're not compatible?
Posted: 4/6/2018 2:55:00 PM

Just had one from someone with an alcoholic drink in his name and a fair amount of bar pics, i don't drink so don't get why he'd think i'm compatible.


That doesn't necessarily always mean 2 people aren't compatible. I'm a social/moderate drinker and I have dated women that didn't drink. For the most part, that wasn't a problem. I could go to bars on my own time with friends. Or I could go to a bar with a woman that doesn't drink for a sporting event or trivia night. She could have appetizers and non-alcoholic beverages. I know couples that are married or in relationships where one person is a moderate drinker and the other person doesn't drink or rarely drinks.
 Belleatrix
Joined: 12/17/2017
Msg: 3
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Who messages you and you know they're not compatible?
Posted: 4/6/2018 3:16:03 PM
You're overthinking it. While we may be examining the chances of compatibility, there is no indication that men are examining their approach in much the same way.

After all, hearing story after story about how women do not respond to messages, is it any wonder that they are simply sending messages indiscriminately and waiting to see who responds?

Even when someone who I may be attracted to, messages me, if they don't express a desire to meet me in person rather sooner than later, they bite the dust too.
 MachIMustangII
Joined: 2/16/2018
Msg: 4
Who messages you and you know they're not compatible?
Posted: 4/6/2018 4:11:12 PM
1) compatible for what? :) If two are just looking for sex...the requirements may be lower.

2) someone who is lonely, may not worry about compatibility when gullibility may pay off :)

3) I think people who try a long shot, sure shouldn't post a bad response if they get one :) or complain no one responds. Its not nice to spam every woman in a 5 mile radius, but....hey, who knows? Sometimes, the dog actually does catch the car.
 blackbeauty744
Joined: 12/1/2015
Msg: 5
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Who messages you and you know they're not compatible?
Posted: 4/6/2018 4:26:00 PM
That doesn't necessarily always mean 2 people aren't compatible.

What south_city said. A match doesn't have to line up exactly with our profile stats to be compatible.
 MeramecRiverRat
Joined: 10/12/2017
Msg: 6
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Who messages you and you know they're not compatible?
Posted: 4/6/2018 4:59:15 PM
It's a waste of time to message someone who is *obviously* not compatible.

If it's obvious they're not compatible, most likely they didn't read the profile, just looking at photos, possibly just the main photo.

I've seen images consisting of meme text expressing compatibility, for example "NO BLACK MEN". Guessing she wrote profile text saying she doesn't date black men, but kept getting messages from them so she put up that "image" for people who just look at photos without reading text.

Some messages from obviously incompatible people might be trolling, for example black men might message the gal I mentioned above just for fun. I've seen forum posts saying some overweight women send messages to men who have "no fat chicks" type requests in their text.

I don't drink either, and am also not religious. If I limited my messages to people with those settings, would send few to zero messages. I don't message anyone who flaunts their religion, nor anyone who makes a big deal about their drinking. When I returned here with this account, I got replies to 8 out of the first 11 messages I sent, and none was a carbon copy of settings. Didn't pay attention to the response rate after that, but it's still probably 40% or more. Maybe some of them didn't read any of my text.

Sometimes an incompatible person reads an entire profile and sends a message anyway. Shortly after making my first account here, I got a long, polite message with the structure of a job application cover letter from someone who read a job listing and didn't match everything in the description. "I saw you require someone without kids, but all of mine have moved out of the house. You said you want someone fit; I'm a size 16 and trying to get smaller..." As with applying to jobs, people might as well try, as their chances are just about zero if they don't initiate.

I believe if you get a message from somebody not compatible, the sender it probably messaging many other incompatible people, so the problem will go away as they continue to send messages to others. Unlikely they will stalk you or be obsessed.

Tinder seems to have a maximum number of yes swipes per day (at least for free users), a good policy because it could encourage users to be more selective and go for the most compatible (I know, some users will just save their yes swipes for the best looking regardless of compatibility).
 BretIAm
Joined: 3/25/2018
Msg: 7
Who messages you and you know they're not compatible?
Posted: 4/6/2018 7:15:07 PM
Let me say up front that I appreciate when women are honest about their preferences. It helps to sort through profiles faster.

Having said that, I rarely drink, so when someone has a drink in most of her pictures, or she includes Moderate Drinker in her profile, I will pass her profile.

I grew up with a family of smokers, so I avoid cigarette smokers.

There are many women with profiles that allude to wanting (needing?) a man to take care of them financially.

Though I have met and dated two women who did not have profile pictures, I do not actively contact women without pictures.
 prettybrwneyedone
Joined: 6/1/2017
Msg: 8
Who messages you and you know they're not compatible?
Posted: 4/6/2018 9:38:05 PM
It would be ideal, but most either don't read and don't even focus on assessing anything listed within a profile (most times).

I've had married guys continue to try to message me until I listed it as my initial disclaimer, as I'm not looking to waste time going back and forth with someone that is not legally single. Although there was one guy whom has been "separated" since the first time I was on here, which was well over two years ago.

Then there are those whom clearly can see by someone's profile what type of lifestyle a person lives and will still try, so it would be nice, but I don't think it'll happen, because many tend to aim higher than their normal dating range.
 KPOL52
Joined: 3/14/2018
Msg: 9
Who messages you and you know they're not compatible?
Posted: 4/6/2018 10:37:34 PM
When I was still active here, I received perhaps close to 1000 emails over many years. It took me maybe a month to figure out the lay of the land. Which boxes were useful (for my own purposes) and which boxes were silly fluff. The most important thing I discovered was the difference between the perception and the REALITY of OLD. Namely the best use of my time. My SOP became and still is to √ out the profile before I read the email. Unless it was a Forum person, the EFFORT put into their profile was 99.9% a dead giveaway as to what would be the quality of the email and whether they had read any part of my profile OR were compatible in any way.

Almost w/o exception, those sharp enough to send an intelligent more than 30 second effort email, received my
request for their phone # if they were a good match and I also included my own if they would rather call me. I had phone conversations with the majority of these ladies and probably met half of the ladies I talked to usually within a week. They obviously had keen senses and good pickers and were easily able to separate the wheat from the chaff.
Not a single one of these ladies was some desperate bottom feeder. Every last one showed up for the meet on time looking as good if not better than their pics IF they had any posted.

Ah, those were the days my friend, we thought they'd never end...
 sundress1
Joined: 10/29/2017
Msg: 10
Who messages you and you know they're not compatible?
Posted: 4/7/2018 9:31:22 AM

What south_city said. A match doesn't have to line up exactly with our profile stats to be compatible.


+1. Not everybody with a particular characteristic (whether it's being a non-drinker or not having children or whatever) will only date others that have the exact same characteristics.
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 11
Who messages you and you know they're not compatible?
Posted: 4/7/2018 10:57:50 AM
As long as they are not an alcoholic, whether or not a person drinks should not be a red flag. When you go to a resturant or bar, each individual can order whatever they want.........so what's the problemo?! It's kinda silly.

Real deal breakers are things like cheating, lying, mental problems, attitude problems and vices. I think those things are a little more serious.
 aintnodeal
Joined: 4/10/2016
Msg: 12
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Who messages you and you know they're not compatible?
Posted: 4/7/2018 11:09:12 AM

I don't drink either, and am also not religious. If I limited my messages to people with those settings, would send few to zero messages.

Same for me, except I still send a lot of messages, because I just like to talk to people. I don't expect a date from people who don't match, but I think it's nice to get "proof of life" from a dating app every once in while so I don't become jaded, and think it's 90% bots or Russian mail-order brides.

I'd say a good 60-70% of the women who message me DO NOT FIT the physical profile of what I'm looking for. Additionally, I seem to be a magnet for women with lots of kids and those who are fiercely religious, or like camping, which are DEAL KILLERS for me. My profile has a lot of slop in it - there's no way any rational - thinking person could imagine a match with such types.


When you go to a resturant or bar, each individual can order whatever they want.........so what's the problemo?!

The problem is that people who drink, SMELL/TASTE like booze afterwards. That is overpowering if you're considering a make-out session. Also, if you visit their home, they will be breaking out the booze all the time, because for them, it's not an issue. When someone says they don't want to be around alcohol - BELIEVE THEM, it's a big deal.

Oh, well...it just happens. Mostly I just don't write back, unless they offer me a new car and a steak dinner.
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 13
Who messages you and you know they're not compatible?
Posted: 4/7/2018 11:14:54 AM

The problem is that people who drink, SMELL/TASTE like booze afterwards. That is overpowering if you're considering a make-out session.


- this is true, you have a point there.
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 14
Who messages you and you know they're not compatible?
Posted: 4/7/2018 2:21:56 PM

The problem is that people who drink, SMELL/TASTE like booze afterwards. That is overpowering if you're considering a make-out session. Also, if you visit their home, they will be breaking out the booze all the time, because for them, it's not an issue. When someone says they don't want to be around alcohol - BELIEVE THEM, it's a big deal.


That might be true for someone that is a heavy drinker or an alcoholic. Not as much for a social drinker that has a couple of drinks while eating dinner or watching a sporting event on a Friday or Saturday night.
 __TEXASCHICK__
Joined: 11/9/2011
Msg: 15
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Who messages you and you know they're not compatible?
Posted: 4/7/2018 6:44:04 PM
I message to guys i would consider having a cup of Joe with and a chat, these would be average guys, as i am an average Lady. lol
many times i wont get a reply back, so i figure i dont match up w/ what they are looking for.
 wadeinwaves
Joined: 8/7/2017
Msg: 16
Who messages you and you know they're not compatible?
Posted: 4/8/2018 9:04:13 AM
"Some messages from obviously incompatible people might be trolling, for example black men might message the gal I mentioned above just for fun. I've seen forum posts saying some overweight women send messages to men who have "no fat chicks" type requests in their text"

I couldn't figure out why much younger men would message older women for fwb's when some of these women include in their profile that they're not looking for fwb's. It never occurred to me that they're trolling. At my age you would think I would have caught on. To me I thought they spammed dozens of older women to see who bites (while trolling at the same time which I just learned) and some of these younger men will state in their profile, "Not alot of older women seem to want to date younger men", Really? I wonder why? Now it just occurred to me that my inbox gets full of overweight men because they too are trolling me!

"Sometimes an incompatible person reads an entire profile and sends a message anyway."

Maybe they think they will be the exception to the rule?

I sometimes wonder if our level of attractiveness and our being picky go hand in hand. I'm average looking, so do I have the right to be extremely picky? If I am doesn't this not translate to never going out with anyone because they don't meet my long list? The older I get the less tolerant I am and I think the same holds true for many people over 40. Also the older I get the more I am loosing my looks as are the majority of men in my age category. I've tried going on meets with men who didn't do it for me physically thinking their personality would outweigh how they looked. To my disappointment it didn't work.
Who messages you and you know they're not compatible?
Posted: 4/8/2018 9:23:25 AM
I once went out with a woman on her birthday just to be nice and ended up having to hide from her. Out of one dance at a bar she created a whole relationship with future children, vacations, careers and all.

I tried to talk to her about it but it only ended up making things worse. I really didn't think I had any other way out and had to avoid her.
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 18
Who messages you and you know they're not compatible?
Posted: 4/8/2018 9:32:12 AM

I couldn't figure out why much younger men would message older women for fwb's when some of these women include in their profile that they're not looking for fwb's.


I have mentioned this on other threads. These types of disclaimers such as "I'm not looking for a hookup or a FWB", "No players" etc are unnecessary. The men that are just looking for sex will just ignore it and pretend that they are sincere about wanting a serious relationship. The men that are actually looking for a serious relationship might be turned off by a negative profile from a woman complaining about men or her previous experiences with OLD.
 wadeinwaves
Joined: 8/7/2017
Msg: 19
Who messages you and you know they're not compatible?
Posted: 4/8/2018 9:40:31 AM
"I have mentioned this on other threads. These types of disclaimers such as "I'm not looking for a hookup or a FWB", "No players" etc are unnecessary. The men that are just looking for sex will just ignore it and pretend that they are sincere about wanting a serious relationship. The men that are actually looking for a serious relationship might be turned off by a negative profile from a woman complaining about men or her previous experiences with OLD."

Good point. I will remove that because as you said it holds no water. I sincerely thought if this was included in my profile that it would deter those seeking fwb's from messaging me because they would see this as a waist of time. When I see in a profile that a man prefers certain physical traits I don't possess I never would write them a message!
 Nyeahsers
Joined: 12/7/2017
Msg: 20
Who messages you and you know they're not compatible?
Posted: 4/8/2018 9:46:59 AM
Women who are much heavier than me or women looking for FWB/hookups/poly. All other women had the potential compatibility.

I was on a long time ago, back when, at it's busiest time, would have less than 3,000 users on, and in the wee hours, would have less than 50 users on. There was a woman on there who new of me, and I of her, but we just happened to never talk. She eventually messaged me and things moved quickly to the phone. Despite my 400+ answered questions, the entire hour+ conversation was about how she would like to bring her whips, cuffs, dildos, etc. over to my place to have fun. She new that wasn't my thing but her profile painted her as more conservative and innocent.
 MeramecRiverRat
Joined: 10/12/2017
Msg: 21
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Who messages you and you know they're not compatible?
Posted: 4/8/2018 10:11:03 AM


I couldn't figure out why much younger men would message older women for fwb's when some of these women include in their profile that they're not looking for fwb's. It never occurred to me that they're trolling. At my age you would think I would have caught on. To me I thought they spammed dozens of older women to see who bites (while trolling at the same time which I just learned) and some of these younger men will state in their profile, "Not alot of older women seem to want to date younger men", Really? I wonder why? Now it just occurred to me that my inbox gets full of overweight men because they too are trolling me!


They probably weren't trolling you. You're probably correct about them spamming a lot of people, not thinking or caring about compatibility. The fat men might just have seen your main pic without reading your text requesting someone not fat if you have such text.

The trolling occurs in specific situations: profile text is so rude, the incompatible reader sends a message for fun (as with the rude racial remarks). Or the reader is offended (for example, a fat woman gets to a line of profile text indicating the man wants someone thin) and sends an aggressive come-on message out of anger / rejection.

The younger dudes who send messages to older women might be "practicing", seeing how particular pickup lines work on someone they might not actually want to be with, or maybe they message the older woman because they believe older women are "easier" and more likely to respond.

Definitely true it will backfire if a user states what they supposedly don't want: "I'm not here for sex", "I don't want to see pictures of your ...", "Not here for FWB". This will get the reader to think of sex and to view that person as a sexual conquest. Thinking of sending dirty pics will make them more likely to do so.

Some of your messages might not be looking for dating. Anyone who has a cute animal in a photo might get friendly messages about how they like the cute animal.
 MachIMustangII
Joined: 2/16/2018
Msg: 22
Who messages you and you know they're not compatible?
Posted: 4/8/2018 10:48:23 AM
"I sometimes wonder if our level of attractiveness, and our being picky, go hand in hand"

>>>anyone looking for a relationship is going to be picky--you simply want more than a warm willing body. If I just want to get laid but can only attractive average women...I might still prefer average women with great curves or who won't be lazy in bed or some other factor that makes them unique in their own way. I might want to feel i'm not really sacrificing.

I can't really have much against people who swing outside their league. its like when I go to a flea market and see an item that lacks a price tag...I may know what its worth, or see the other items on the table are overpriced. But why not ask if its an item i'm really interested in. The person is here to sell. On the flip side, I won't go into someone's house and thro a low ball price at something they own and hope they'll bite. Then I am wasting both our time.
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 23
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Who messages you and you know they're not compatible?
Posted: 4/9/2018 11:14:55 AM

Who messages you and you know they're not compatible?


This is going to be offensive...

Fat bland white women.

Feet don't fail me now!
 feirene
Joined: 1/3/2017
Msg: 24
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Who messages you and you know they're not compatible?
Posted: 4/9/2018 5:57:51 PM
Sorry, been really busy. Some interesting replies. I very much agree with MeramecRiverRat and what he says and anyone saying similar. I guess the people themselves have nothing to lose but their time by chancing it.

That's a good point what KPOL52 says about the effortg, i did filter out the short messages to stop people sending random Hi xxx or Hey xx.

I don't make a fuss out of not wanting to meet drinkers so doubt he is trolling me, i think he probably didn't read my profile (i tend to forget to read the top bit about drinking, etc. unless the rest of his profile i really interesting and i know my profile is not). Having a drink as his name though, along with the pics, does make me feel alcohol is a big part of his lifestyle. It's also possible he was drunk at the time of contact and couldn't even see my profile, lol. I was more thinking about his lifestyle but yeah i don't like the smell of alcohol either, yuk.

wadeinwaves i am picky, not so much about looks (although i still have to fancy the guy) but i've wasted less than a decade of my life being in relationships which weren't what i wanted and probably not got that much time left to waste so being extra picky now. I think i'm better than average looking but not the stunner men pretend i am when they want me to interact with them online to boost their own self esteem. My looks don't come into it, it's more i'm happy on my own and it'd be nice to have someone special in my life who treats me like i'm special as well but i'm not that fussed really, i don't want to waste time in anything fake or it doesn't make me happier than i am now. My last ex was ugly and left me for someone frumpy, kind of says it all about looks, they literally mean nothing.
 prettybrwneyedone
Joined: 6/1/2017
Msg: 25
Who messages you and you know they're not compatible?
Posted: 4/9/2018 6:52:11 PM
I really think there's a high majority, especially on a site like pof - that's free, that messages those who are not compatible. I've had the guys with 4 t0 5 chins that do not workout more than a fork. Or, the guy with the pursed lips, which is similar to duck lips, but on a guy...it looks questionable.
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