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 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 1
Fertility MattersPage 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
I've had a lot of negative side effects over the years from birth control pills. Had a major side effect with an IUD that had to be removed. I'm on the needle now. After I had my third baby, I considered getting my tubes tied but since separating I've wondered if that would make it harder for me in the dating market. It's already tough for me because I'm a mom with 3 kids but taking away my fertility might limit my dating pool significantly. I'm 34 and looking at the dating situation, in my age group, there's the following guys on the market:

1) guys without kids wanting kids (probably 2/3 of guys on online dating)
2) guys with kids who want more kids (there's a few)
3) guys without kids who don't want kids (rare but out there)
4) guys with kids who don't want more (significant)

I've found that a lot of guys with kids want more because they are missing out on raising their kids because many dads only get to see their kids every other weekend. I've talked to quite a few guys with kids on pof and a lot of them have shared that with me. And then there's the guys that don't want kids at all, not theirs or anyone else's so that removes them from my dating pool altogether no matter what. So to become infertile would basically leave me with the few guys who don't want kids but would be okay with someone else's and guys with kids who do not want more and wouldn't mind other peoples' kids either. I would be open to having more kids with the right person. As it is, my window of fertility may or may not be good for another 5 to 8 years. I had a baby at 32 easily so its quite possible.

How much do guys on here consider the fertility question when looking at women on pof to date? And how much do other woman on here think about it?
 Nyeahsers
Joined: 12/7/2017
Msg: 2
Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/11/2018 1:21:58 PM
Dating is so hard, and I want so bad to find someone to grow old with, that I just don't care. The only thing that would make me hesitate is a woman with teens and/or pre-teens. I have had a bad experience with a woman I dated and her 18 year old thug son. I also see friction from these ages hard, if not impossible, to overcome.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 3
Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/11/2018 1:28:09 PM
As someone whose parents dated and lived with girlfriends/boyfriends in my teen years, I would advise against trying to move in with anyone who has teenagers in the house unless the teens in question were all for it. I think its much easier to get younger kids incorporated into a step family. The younger the kid(s), the more accepting they are.
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 4
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History
Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/11/2018 1:50:52 PM
Without a second's hesitation I can answer this question.

I was married when I gave birth to my 2nd child. I believed then as I do now. I believed it was my responsibility to be socially responsible. Produce no more than 2 biological children.
Following an ambulance ride to the hospital, a few hours later, I had a Tubal Ligation.

I also believed, as I do now, a woman should never have more children than she herself can support,........... on her own.
If and when the father of my children, was no longer a part of the picture, whether by death or divorce, it WAS my responsibility to provide for my children.
I did not count on government assistance, child support, or welfare.

I dated following my divorce, and no man has ever found fault with my decision, to actively limit my child bearing capabilities.
LOL, I never dated a man who wanted to have more children!
 MachIMustangII
Joined: 2/16/2018
Msg: 5
Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/11/2018 2:51:15 PM
The gut instinct/kneejerk reaction I have to this is, a man should love you for you, not for your womb's potential.

I just got off the phone 15 minutes ago with an exgf who married a dude with two kids from a prior marriage, and she had a son with him. Back when she was engaged and told me how much the daughter acted out and the ex wife was crazy, I thought, "Sounds like the dude doesn't give the women in his life much attention, and they have to work to get it" Anyway its years later, and she's getting divorced for a few reasons, but what's driving it today is his obvious refusal to see the son he has with her...as anything equal to his other two children.

its like the children from the first marriage are his, and this son he has with her is....her's. Not to say all men will be like this, he strikes me as rather self-focused.

It may very well shrink your dating pool, but it may help you find a partner who is a better fit to your unique situation. They are going to date a mom, not a womb with a room for one more. They have to accept you and your situation.
Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/11/2018 3:07:08 PM
I think what it really comes down to is what YOU want. Lets face it, Its usually the women who are left holding the babies. I think you said you already have three. How about instead of worrying about what some future partner might want, you put yourself first for once. In this day and age 3 children are more than enough for anyone. If the next relationship doesn't work out, then you will be the single mother of 4, 5 or 6. That will be how many children by how many men? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life raising kids? There is so much more to life than that.

You also have to think about what you may be teaching any female children you have. You are not someones brood mare, In every womans life there comes a point where there is just NO more room at the INN.
 purplerider1200
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 7
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Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/11/2018 3:18:59 PM
I never wanted kids, so I never looked at women that way. With the way the world is now, I didn't want to put my kids in this situation. Besides, the way people treated me, I didn't want him or her to go through the same bullshit I had to put up with.
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 8
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Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/11/2018 5:53:40 PM
With our world already overpopulated, I would say the government should give us incentives not to reproduce. Let the tubal ligation and vasectomy commence!
Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/11/2018 8:19:52 PM

how much do other woman on here think about it?


Perimenopausal woman... after having lost my daughter at birth (and after her I requested tubal ligation but was refused) I now have my 'one & done' (surprise @ age 37) and thank the taxpayers for their support in my 'special needs' role, and I'm truly over the 'need to breed'. This 'incubator' is out of service...
I have zero desire to be a grandmother... so offering my son his (almost) lifetime of (unused & saved) child support payments when he turns 21 to ensure this does not happen. (it's an offer, not a non-negotiable deal... ) We both agree that world is overpopulated (Australia has exceeded growth expectations by 8 years already) and we see the sense in the plot of Dan Brown's "Inferno".... (this is enhanced when we learned of a family of a single mom and 12 children at his local school.... yikes)

I purposely avoid men who have 'open to more children' or 'undecided', and I try to also veer away from young grandfathers... I recognise that this severely limits my dating pool... Even further limiting my opportunity is the fact that my one tweenager is a 'boy'.... as mentioned previously... boys/single moms is a combination that men [here on PoF have admitted] try to avoid.... I come from a family line of 'short' living (not past 70yo) and I have about 20 years ahead.... and from next year (after skills refresher sessions) I'll be working a lot of that... I don't want to be tied down to more children of 'young age'....

so as an older... I had a lot to think about.... I am fine with my choices....

your mileage may vary
 Kissfromarose77
Joined: 4/2/2018
Msg: 10
Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/11/2018 9:43:39 PM
If I really like a woman, I will be willing to overlook if she can’t have children. I’m open to the possibility of having children, but it’s not the end of the world if I can’t.
 SiennaBear2
Joined: 12/2/2017
Msg: 11
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Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/11/2018 10:05:48 PM
I have thought about it a lot. Most of the guys who are serious, want kids at some point. I think my boyfriend wants them more seriously and sooner than any of the other guys.
I went through a long period of really wanting kids. I used to really want 3 kids. Then men treated me somewhat badly and other events transpired and I lost interest completely.
I told him this and he said he hopes he can make me feel the same way again.
I kind of get the feeling he would be happy having kids after a few years. He doesn't seem to like abortion but said he would understand if I chose that under a year or 2 of being together. After a year I think he would be upset.

I think if they love you they will be understanding and not try to push something on you you don't want. I feel you should do what will make you happy and your partner but keep in mind things sometimes change.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 12
Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/12/2018 1:06:11 AM
I always think of my mother's second marriage (a common law one). She had 3 kids and at age 34 she moved in with a guy a couple years older who had no kids. I wouldn't go, at age 14, but my brothers did. He wasn't a bad guy but in the 11 years they were together there were a few major problems, one being that my mom had a tubal ligation years before so she couldn't have more kids but he knew that going in. He told her a couple times during their relationship that he wished he did have kids and my mom always felt bad about it. At one point he really wanted to adopt a kid but by then my youngest sibling was 17 and my mom didn't want to start all over raising another kid. So they ended up calling it quits after 11 years, that being one reason of a few. He ended up finding another woman and they actually did adopt. That's why I worry about the guy who says he doesn't care if he doesn't have kids. What if he really does but wants a relationship so much he'll try to hide those feelings?
 from site to sight
Joined: 11/30/2007
Msg: 13
Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/12/2018 3:02:25 AM

(Msg 11): I kind of get the feeling he would be happy having kids after a few years.


Kind of get the feeling? Having kids is a major life changer. Planning to have or not have kids should be discussed and decided on long before getting serious with someone. Plans to have kids can be derailed because of job loss or illness. But otherwise, deciding to have or not have kids should not be an afterthought.
Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/12/2018 5:12:07 AM

What if he really does but wants a relationship so much he'll try to hide those feelings?
You are way over thinking things. At this point, with 3 kids, what some future partner may want is really neither here nor there. There comes a point when you should just quit reproducing. If some future guy lies to you because he wants a relationship sooo bad, thats on him. He needs to live with the consequences of his actions, NOT you.
 SiennaBear2
Joined: 12/2/2017
Msg: 15
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Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/12/2018 6:50:26 AM
Well I had said I wasn't interested in having kids atleast for 4-6 years, certainly not in the next few years. My mum gave me a lecture to have them sooner. Honestly I just choose a large number because at the moment I don't want kids.
The few years thing comes from me asking him what we would do if I got pregnant by accident. I noticed he said after a year or 2 aka the further in, the more he would not really want to have an abortion. So I pretty much took that to mean after a few years he may want kids.
Also he said he wants kids and we could name our baby Yuri, because he knows I like that name lol
 Nyeahsers
Joined: 12/7/2017
Msg: 16
Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/12/2018 8:37:57 AM

"What if he really does but wants a relationship so much he'll try to hide those feelings?"

You are way over thinking things. At this point, with 3 kids, what some future partner may want is really neither here nor there. There comes a point when you should just quit reproducing. If some future guy lies to you because he wants a relationship sooo bad, thats on him. He needs to live with the consequences of his actions, NOT you.


Considering that this topic is about her concerns with dating and what her potential partner feels and wants, Julystorm's question is very valid. A lot of men do "change their mind". She doesn't want some guy to just up and leave, and that happens far too often.
Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/12/2018 8:53:46 AM

A lot of men do "change their mind". She doesn't want some guy to just up and leave, and that happens far too often.
Yep. and thats exactly why I said what I said. he ups and leaves because he changes his mind. So what?sounds pretty flaky to me. She deserves better than a flake if you ask me. You can't keep living your life on what ifs and trying to please some imaginary future boyfriend. This boils down to what SHE wants. She already has 3 children, if she decides she is done thats her perogative. I dont think she should be worried about what some future maybe boyfriend who may be a flake may want or think he wants.
 Nyeahsers
Joined: 12/7/2017
Msg: 18
Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/12/2018 9:19:01 AM
She does not want to make a devastating mistake that could lead to depression or other negative life issues. She's feeling things out and trying to gain the tools and perspective to avoid another bad relationship. This is why she cares about what her potentials' thinking is behind this.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 19
Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/12/2018 10:20:21 AM
Exactly. The kids question comes up constantly when talking with guys. There's so few guys that get beyond an initial couple of conversations with me that I'd consider dating but every single time the question of whether I'd have or even be able to have kids has come up. I'm not against having one more kid but at the same time I wouldn't mind being done.

Sometimes I just get so frustrated because 95% of the guys who message me ask for sex and the other 5% ask me if I'll have more kids. Not sure what to think or want. I know so don't want to stay single for the next 15 years but not having more kids might put me into that position.
 Whisky_River
Joined: 10/14/2017
Msg: 20
Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/12/2018 10:41:27 AM
My opinion is....Do what "YOU" want...I would not be planning my life around the unknown of "what ifs".
I met my 2nd husband after I had my 2 children{around your age) and I could not have any more.
He hadn't been married and did not have any of his own.
He claims to have never wanted any....so he assured me it wasn't an issue.
He raised my girls as his own and was a great father to them and I will add...grandfather when the grandkids came along.

If a man loves you...he will accept the situation as it is.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 1/17/2018
Msg: 21
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Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/12/2018 11:23:52 AM

its like the children from the first marriage are his, and this son he has with her is....her's. Not to say all men will be like this, he strikes me as rather self-focused.


In a weird twist, my step monster was like this.
My mom died when I was 2 and my brother 4.
My step monster (who was my mom's maid of honor and
best friend) always considered myself and my brother
my dad's kids. We were always "his kids".

On the other hand, her two sons she had with my
dad were hers and his.

My brother and I were actually kicked out of a family
room at the funeral for my dad because "his family"
wanted private time with him.

Just before my step monster died, I remember she said
to me, "well say what you want, I really loved your father."
I suppose that's something.

Families can be really farked up.
 MachIMustangII
Joined: 2/16/2018
Msg: 22
Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/12/2018 1:45:30 PM
its not polite to treat step children as not real children....tho I guess I get the notion, "blood thicker than water". Its a challenge to anyone to become a step parent. I'm not sure why my exgf's son's father fails to see his son as anything other than his son...unless what's going on is, he's favoring his first biological children over his last biological child. But as an only child, I find it hard to imagine hating one's sibling and then when someone outside the family picks on the sibling, suddenly the two siblings join together against an outsider :) I mean, if I hate someone, then I hate 'em. enemy of my enemy is my friend.

families are strange, b/c what we need of them is strange, I guess.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 23
Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/12/2018 1:54:22 PM
That sucks. I have my share of bad step-stories too but I have good ones as well. Not all step-parents are created equal. I think sometimes a parent will stick their head in the sand and hope an issue will go away after they get married to someone else. Maybe the kids will adjust. Maybe he'll grow to love them. Maybe she'll change. Insert eyeroll here.

Stepfamilies can work but a lot depends on how the new spouse bonds with the kids. We who have experience as stepkids can see things more clearly and hopefully pick up on problems and figure out solutions. Bottom line though is get to know someone first and really talk about the issues and if there are problems between the step-parents and kids, to figure out if the problems can be resolved.

Anybody here have experience as a step-parent? If So, how did it go for you and how old were the kids when you met?
Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/12/2018 3:11:30 PM

Maybe the kids will adjust. Maybe he'll grow to love them. Maybe she'll change.
Maybe its because I've always been independent and never felt I needed a man to survive but my children ALWAYS came first and still do. There would be no way in hell I would ever let a boyfriend treat one of my kids with disrespect. They would be shown the door and told to use it.

I think its a really good idea for any woman to stay single until the children are grown up and out on their own. men too, then you don't have to put your kids through this kind of nonsense.

I don't have any experience as a step parent. I raised my own children, I certainly didn't and don't want to start raising someone elses. My kids have a step mother but we were lucky and she is a sweet lady. When the kids were small they asked me if they had to listen to her. I told them NO, but they did have to listen to their father when they were with them. That seemed to work well.
 __TEXASCHICK__
Joined: 11/9/2011
Msg: 25
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Fertility Matters
Posted: 4/12/2018 6:21:30 PM
You have three children, one of them a very young child. And you live at your mothers home due to cost of housing, she assists in sitter duties?
The very last thing you need to be worried about is marketability in providing a child to some guy.

not meaning to be harsh, but realistic.
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