Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Do I tell her?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 thekingof8
Joined: 6/11/2016
Msg: 1
Do I tell her?Page 1 of 1    
I have been friends, maybe more like pen pals, with this girl I met in Montreal at a hockey fan fest back in 2007 (I live in Ottawa by the way). We've kept in touch ever since.

She seemed to be going through a rough time a few weeks ago, as she said she was taking a break from Facebook. She popped up recently and I sent her a wave. I asked her if everything was alright, and she said she broke up with her long-time boyfriend, and father of her 3 kids, 5 months earlier. She was then dealing with guys messaging/harassing her to date them and it got to the point where she had to block them. Hell, even some of her employees were trying to ask her out! Talk about awkward! She said she was able to deal with it.

I cheered her up by telling her an embarrassing moment I experienced once with a boss (one that I will share with you in the future).

I felt the moment I met her I felt a connection. We seemed to have a lot in common. She was kind of on-again off-again with the father of her kids, but the relationship seems to be finished. I don’t know what the relationship is like with him and the kids (and it’s also none of my business).

I always thought she was cute, and she's definitely grown into becoming a beautiful, mature young woman (I'm a sucker for blue eyes and a beautiful singing voice). We've always been there for each other as friends.

I honestly felt I could see myself in a relationship with her. She lives 3 ½ hours away and long distance relationships typically don't pan out (although she told me distance is nothing versus love). After what she's been through, she might still be a little fragile. This in addition to looking after 3 kids, I doubt she's interested in dating, especially me, and I don't blame her. If I were in her shoes, I would be focusing my attention on the kids as well, though I certainly wouldn't mind helping her out. I always thought she was cute, and I have felt different about her since I found out she was single.

I can't really move up there (especially since I don't speak or understand french), and I definitely don't want her to uproot her family to be closer. They're living their own lives and I don't want to intrude. I’m sure she would want to focus her time and energy on them, since I would do the same thing.

I wish I could establish a closer friendship with her. People always say that if you like someone, you should tell them. I like her as a friend, and I don't want to jeopardize that and lose her all together. I don't want her to think that she's safe with me, only to think I've been trying to make a move on her.

It might be best to stay in the friend zone, but what do I do about my feelings for her? I’m vulnerable and I don’t want to say the wrong thing. I'm so easily smitten. I feel confused. What do I do? (And really..............having employees hit on you?)
 MachIMustangII
Joined: 2/16/2018
Msg: 2
Do I tell her?
Posted: 4/24/2018 4:06:52 AM
First, make a list of everything you have in common with this on again, off again guy. That's the type of guy she keeps coming back to. so there's something about him she just loves. If you can't see yourself having it...then she's probably not going to find enough to keep a long distance relationship going.
 Braylen99
Joined: 4/19/2018
Msg: 3
Do I tell her?
Posted: 4/24/2018 4:57:07 AM
You’re vulnerable? What kind of man says that?? I see your issue now.
 forumfairy
Joined: 3/20/2018
Msg: 4
view profile
History
Do I tell her?
Posted: 4/24/2018 5:36:59 AM
Buddy, I think you're in a bad spot. You've said yourself that distance alone will make this thing a no go, so why ruin a good friendship? My best advice is to say no, keep it on the downlow.
 thekingof8
Joined: 6/11/2016
Msg: 5
Do I tell her?
Posted: 4/24/2018 5:46:32 AM

You’re vulnerable? What kind of man says that?? I see your issue now.


Okay, that's probably the wrong word. That's the last time I finish a post almost half asleep. Sensitive is probably the better one.


First, make a list of everything you have in common with this on again, off again guy. That's the type of guy she keeps coming back to. so there's something about him she just loves. If you can't see yourself having it...then she's probably not going to find enough to keep a long distance relationship going.


I don't know anything about him. I never asked her because I felt it was none of my business, and I don't like to pry into people's personal lives, especially if the wound is still rather fresh.

I don't mind being in the friend zone, but I still have these feelings? Do I just hide them from her as best as I can, until they subside? I'm pretty bad at lying, and I'm afraid she'll see through it. I'm just afraid of putting her in an awkward spot and losing her as a friend.
 from site to sight
Joined: 11/30/2007
Msg: 6
Do I tell her?
Posted: 4/24/2018 7:03:05 AM
Just being a pen pal to someone you have never met in real life gets old fast. What are the chances of actually meeting? If it's zilch or next to zilch, I don't see the point. A friend is someone I socialize with in real life-not a digital image on a computer or telephone screen.

Another possibility is this is just some sort of scam. She's laying on the pity story thick to tug at your heart strings, and when she's convinced she has you lapping it up, out come the request for money. She won't ask for it directly, but she'll say how she has so much trouble making ends meet now that she's a single mother, and can't pay her bills, and her and the kids will end up without a home-hoping you'll try to save her by sending money. Otherwise, why is she telling a total stranger she doesn't know all about her personal life and problems?
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 7
Do I tell her?
Posted: 4/26/2018 2:45:08 PM
Get a girlfriend - nothing can take your mind off an old flame like a new one can!
 NewYorker58
Joined: 6/11/2013
Msg: 8
view profile
History
Do I tell her?
Posted: 4/26/2018 9:16:01 PM
Are you ready to take on her 3 kids? Also, you'll be 2nd to her kids, which take up most of her time. You sound a little nuts to be thinking about anyone moving to be near the other person. You already said it's unrealistic for anyone to move, so why are you trying to progress this into a relationship? They don't speak any English in Montreal? You do sound a little crazy.
 thekingof8
Joined: 6/11/2016
Msg: 9
Do I tell her?
Posted: 4/27/2018 3:34:32 AM
The personal insults being hurled at me are truly appreciated. Really, I'm not trying to be an ass guys.
 Mercedes_Me
Joined: 5/3/2018
Msg: 10
view profile
History
Do I tell her?
Posted: 5/6/2018 11:47:25 PM
If you don't know how would I know?
 feirene
Joined: 1/3/2017
Msg: 11
view profile
History
Do I tell her?
Posted: 5/14/2018 6:36:42 AM
Friendships are ideal for relationships i think. Even if they are only online there's nothing to say that it isn't a true friendship. Ok let's become a little more aware, i am going to analyse your words here because i enjoy doing that. I hope i don't put you off the forums as i am looking forward to your funny story when you are ready to tell that. I am going to be brutally honest as i see it though.


She was then dealing with guys messaging/harassing her to date them and it got to the point where she had to block them.


She said she was blocking anyone trying to date her when she became single. This isn't looking good so far, especially as it happened 5 months earlier and she never even mentioned it to you during all that time, her so-called friend, i think you're over estimating your friendship. A relationship ending is usually a fairly big deal, i'm not sure why she didn't tell you about it while other predatory guys knew it had happened. She had to block some of them so it must have been online knowledge so don't bother making up excuses like you aren't a part of her 'real' life.


I felt the moment I met her I felt a connection. We seemed to have a lot in common.


So you had a lot in common with someone you don't really know? I'm always surprised that people don't feel like they have a lot in common with others until it's someone they also find physically attractive and then they are their soul mate for some reason. Fantasy based scenarios are fun but shouldn't be taken seriously. Also you have known her 10/11 years and in your words:
I don’t know what the relationship is like with him and the kids
If you were a good friend and knew her well enough to have a connection i think you would know what it was like actually, you'd also be interested in this stuff because her family is likely important to her. Her kids are your business if you're a friend and even more so if you enter a relationship with someone with kids. She'd be happy to share a little info here and there and how they are doing. I'm surprised you don't know her partner well enough to have an idea about his relationship with the kids too. So, you have no idea about her really and haven't for 10+ years and still think she is perfect?


I always thought she was cute, and she's definitely grown into becoming a beautiful, mature young woman (I'm a sucker for blue eyes and a beautiful singing voice). We've always been there for each other as friends.


Ok so the physical attraction is there. Are you really sure you are friends? Fantasy is not a good basis for a relationship but it can be good as a distraction from reality. Your next paragraph focuses on reality, as you see it. This is better thinking, but some of it confuses me.


She lives 3 ½ hours away and long distance relationships typically don't pan out (although she told me distance is nothing versus love). After what she's been through, she might still be a little fragile. This in addition to looking after 3 kids, I doubt she's interested in dating, especially me, and I don't blame her. If I were in her shoes, I would be focusing my attention on the kids as well, though I certainly wouldn't mind helping her out. I always thought she was cute, and I have felt different about her since I found out she was single.


"(although she told me distance is nothing versus love)" She blocked loads of other people who knew yet never told you her relationship ended and did not contact you for months afterwards. She will have been grieving probably and maybe now is ready to move on but don't you even think it was strange she did not come to you at a time when she likely needed support? She didn't come to you when she was vulnerable and at a time when intimacy (emotional) could have been developed and into something stronger? She might well be interested in dating and looking at her options but you weren't one of them when she was vulnerable, i doubt you are one now. Unless her kids are under school age she will have time to focus on others but even if she had little time then 5 months is an awful long time not to have the time for you at all, and you had to contact her when she came back to facebook so it's not like she was seeking you out in particular either.

I'm really concerned that you feel differently about her now she is single. This is kind of predatory to me, especially as she is supposed to be your friend and you have found her attractive and have had fantasies about her being perfect for you. Not trying to shame you or anything, everyone's feelings are valid and you can't help how you feel, but i can see that this isn't a friendship at all but you may have settled for being 'friends'.

You are making excuses for not being with her. This is your rational side right here. I think you may know deep down that you are not even a prospect for her really and so are making excuses because in her own words "distance is nothing versus love" and so you would be working on a relationship if love was there and so would she because she's basically said that distance wouldn't stop her.


I wish I could establish a closer friendship with her.


What's stopping you? You can remain friends and build something closer but are not actually attempting to do that. You wouldn't be jeopardising anything if she wanted more. I know we're not psychic and it may be that she takes a long time to build a relationship with someone but 10 years is plenty of time to establish a close friendship. 5 months is a short time though and you are right to not approach anyone for a relationship for that reason.
Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Do I tell her?