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 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 1
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6 Classes of Single MomsPage 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I've discovered since becoming a single mother in my attempts at friendship that there seems to be subgroups/classes of single mothers and its difficult to become friends with single moms in a different subgroup. Money seems to be a big divider as well as how much time kids spend with their fathers. I'm not sure if other single moms feel it too. Here are the 6 main classes of single moms:

1) the welfare moms (type 1) - the single moms who have never worked or who barely worked who have a bunch of kids and live in subsidized or low-income housing, many of them who were never married or with their kids father (s). A lot of these women have lower education levels and smoke.

2) the welfare moms (type 2) - the single moms who do not work or work at a job with low wages who must live in subsidized housing, generally these moms work hard but are at a lower education level and their children's father never or barely contributes financially. Often their situation is temporary as they are working to get out of poverty through work or education.

3) the moms who are barely making it on their own - generally these moms are paying their own way and not on welfare but they likely aren't getting much or any financial help from the dads. Money is very tight and its hard to make ends meet. the kids rarely or never see their fathers

4) the stay-at-home moms who get just enough spousal and child support so they don't have to work. Money might be tight but these moms get to be there all the time for their kids.

5) the stay-at-home moms who have ex-spouses who make a lot of money - these are the single moms who get their hair done often and get manicures and new clothes and they live in nice houses because they got the house in the divorce and get a lot of spousal and child support

6) the single moms with good jobs who can take care of everything themselves - these are the women with great education and good-paying jobs who live comfortably and independantly

I definitely fall into Class 3.
 feirene
Joined: 1/3/2017
Msg: 2
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6 Classes of Single Moms
Posted: 6/30/2018 7:54:49 PM
I'm type one, sort of. The one who never worked after i had kids (did some cash in hand stuff when i could take my first son to work with me, all my 2nd hand furniture became brand new around this time). After i had more kids (and still no support) i gave up on that. Then my 2nd kids dad was the one working and i stayed home and was happy to. When i ended up well off money wise, i left him for trying to cheat on me and for never doing anything around the house at all, we had the kids 50/50 and i supported him financially (mostly my kids but i also sorted him out as well when he moved house, i bought all his carpets and furniture).
I've got a good education since it became free but before then all that was on offer to me was working part time shite jobs for shite pay, like in supermarkets, or training schemes for the labourer for no pay.
My friends are still the ones i had from when i was skint, and they aren't many.
 __TEXASCHICK__
Joined: 11/9/2011
Msg: 3
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6 Classes of Single Moms
Posted: 7/1/2018 4:03:40 PM
Type 3
After my Divorce from Daughters dad after 10 years of Marriage, she was seven at that time. He was hit/miss for a few years on Support, but finally got steady w/ it. She was 9 when i met the man who became my soul mate, I bought a really small home when we were barley dating, and was with the intention that was a good time to buy. Regardless if we became closer or not. We married a few years later, job improved on income (I work for the Gov).
He died when my Daughter was 14.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 4
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Posted: 7/2/2018 9:04:41 AM
That's sad. You didn't get much time together.
 cindi_rella
Joined: 7/25/2016
Msg: 5
6 Classes of Single Moms
Posted: 7/2/2018 10:08:42 AM
Type 7
Working moms with a good education and good paying job that married well and divorced well. She has a nice home, nice car can afford nice yearly vacation because her ex husband makes a good living and isnt a deadbeat. He pays alimony and child support.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 6
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Posted: 7/2/2018 10:51:38 AM
Yup, sorry, I forgot about that 7th kind.
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 7/23/2017
Msg: 7
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6 Classes of Single Moms
Posted: 7/2/2018 6:01:11 PM
Type 6.

My ex-husband and son's father was an active father after the divorce but I'd worked while married at about the same pay as ex so didn't get alimony (didn't even ask for it). We shared son 50/50 so neither of us paid the other child support.
 PennyAnte
Joined: 4/17/2016
Msg: 8
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Posted: 7/7/2018 12:18:48 PM
Type 7.) Single mothers who are widows. Husband dies suddenly age 47, young and with no life insurance. Left with debt and grieving children. Single mothers who never planned on being single.
 bmore_goat
Joined: 4/8/2009
Msg: 9
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Posted: 7/7/2018 3:22:36 PM
I'm surprised you didn't include widows in this.
I dated a woman that lost her husband to a car accident while her daughter was a small child.
A good insurance pay out with daughter getting social security, mom could get by with working part-time.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 10
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Posted: 8/1/2018 10:34:21 AM
I don't see much of a difference between 1 & 2. From the guy's POV, it's pretty much the same. Seems there'd be more variance from gal to gal within 1 or 2, than 1 vs 2. I'd lump them together. I'd simplify it, too, when dealing with datability.

1) Welfare moms - Doesn't work or work low-income that doesn't make ends meet enough, and live in subsidized housing.

2) Living with parent(s) - Would be #1, if this weren't the case. Living is more comfortable than #1 due to it, as they're making it on their own otherwise due to it, but it's no treat.

3) Making it by just enough on her own -- Usually at least minimal support from their fathers or a better job than a gal who would Need support from a guy, parents, or govt. Independence, but it's not a great experience. Has the kids all the time or almost all the time.

4) Comfortable -- She has a real job or a job not to brag about but gets full financial support. The guy sees the kids routinely so she has more free time than #3, which is the big key. Breathing room. This is where guys want to ideally aim for.

5) Your #6 -- Obviously the ideal for a guy if he's going to be dating a single mom.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 11
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Posted: 8/2/2018 9:13:52 AM
I am living with my mom because I do not qualify for subsidized housing or a rental subsidy because I make too much money. I'm also paying off a lot of debts and installments to a lawyer and for school (I'm slowly getting a certification for my job taking one class at a time). I also get no support from my kids' dad and I have my kids all the time. I realize I'm almost at the bottom of the barrel when it comes to being a dating prospect. On one hand, I would like to date but acknowledge I have no time or money to do that. But the thought of just shutting that part of myself down right now for a few years depresses me fully. That's why I was hoping for a FWB at least. My goals are:

1) Get custody settled. I am going for full custody so that I have decision-making power. I also need a permanent order for police-enforceable custody so that if the kids visit him he returns them. When they visited him in May he did not return them so I had to go get a temporary police-enforceable custody order which was a lot of work and money.

2) Pay off lawyer bills.

3) Get my own place. Move out of my mother's.

4) Finish my certification.

5) Pay off other debts.

6) Get down to 178 pounds (my pre-longterm relationship weight, lol)

7) Date for something serious.
 2ufo
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 12
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Posted: 8/2/2018 11:27:42 AM
I guess I'm a number 6 mom.

I was well-established in my career before I got pregnant (note to young women - getting pregnant when you're in your forties is horribly debilitating when you're working full-time). I got married to the man who was the father of my child - it lasted 4 years of steadily increasing debt (expenditures included paying child support to his first ex-wife for their children and a full-time nanny for my son while I worked because he did nothing).


I am going for full custody so that I have decision-making power. I also need a permanent order for police-enforceable custody so that if the kids visit him he returns them. When they visited him in May he did not return them so I had to go get a temporary police-enforceable custody order which was a lot of work and money.

Legally, my ex and I have joint custody which bothered me in the past to no end but he said he wanted the boy for the summer and legally had the right, so I let him. Even though he almost never initiated contact with his son.
About two weeks into summer, he said he wanted the boy for an entire year. I grit my teeth and said I would need assurances that my son was never in contact with a cousin (known molester of young men) and he would need to make sure the boy was on the bus to and from school every morning/afternoon. He agreed and I dropped out of contact.

Before the end of summer, ex said he didn't want the boy for the year - couldn't manage it, would interfere with his job, etc. When my boy got off the plane (flight and escort paid by me) he had green teeth and one shoe. That was about 7 or 8 years ago and neither I nor my son have heard from my ex since.

I think your goals are a little skewed. In my opinion they should be:
1. Pay off all debt without incurring future debt. That means that, unless the children are in danger, I would drop the custody issue. It also means better communication with the father of your children about their needs. It also means saving for an emergency fund rather than moving out of your mother's at the first possible moment.
2. Get healthier - both for yourself and to set at least one good example for your children. Include them as much as appropriate in your exercise and food prep regime.
3. School. I'm a great proponent of learning more, stretching outside of what is comfortable. In this case, does a certificate get you further on your intended path? Perhaps a better job or more opportunities? If not, drop it for the moment.
4. Moving from your mother's. Maybe or maybe not. In the meantime, try to figure out ways that you can do what you need to do for yourself and your children while taking into account her daily routine and habits.

Notice that dating isn't on this list of goals.
One, because it's a silly goal - in fact it's not really a goal at all. A goal would be 'married to a compatible person'. With three children, I'd also drop the sex - especially offering sex to a guy you don't like or want to date simply because you're sorry for him (another thread). Really! What were you thinking?
And, two - because you are too busy with the money and health goals to really immerse yourself into serious dating. At this point, from what I have read in your posts, you'd become pregnant again and hope he was a decent sort and marry you, taking care of all your problems. Listen up, Cinderella, you are the person in charge of your life. And when someone else takes on all your problems - that becomes a giant problem as well. Working on simply one issue - like money or weight or children or parents - takes a lot of energy and direction. You've got four separate issues going on. Don't complicate matters by attempting to date as well.
 Tech30
Joined: 8/11/2017
Msg: 13
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Posted: 8/2/2018 12:46:28 PM
I had to stop after reading that you married a guy who is already paying for a kid and who didnt work.....

Good decision making on your part.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 14
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Posted: 8/2/2018 1:59:34 PM
I had dating as my last goal for after the others were completed.

As for schooling, I have no choice in the matter. About 5 years ago they made certification mandatory. I've been doing the type of job for 14 years but I still have to get the certification. It was supposed to be completed within two years but I got 3 extensions due to lack of money to pay for the courses. They won't give me another extension. And its a job that pays decently ($23 an hour) with good benefits. There's not really any other jobs out there that pay better without additional schooling.

My mom gave me a year, max, to live with her. She resents having us here and she has pretty much said on various occasions that we are a burden to her. And feeling that way we can't stay here. Moving out is a must but I don't have the means to do that right now. The plan had been to move out in June or July when I could find a place but after May long weekend when the kids weren't returned after a visit with their dad, I had to pay several court fees and fill out a ton of paperwork on my own and I got overwhelmed. I needed a lawyer so had to give up my plans for moving out to pay one. Joint custody isn't really an option. I tried that for several months but he's not a good father, he's not responsible and he refuses to do things like communicate and compromise. I offered him a really good joint custody plan too (as a kid with divorced parents myself, I was determined to do right by my kids by giving them access to their dad) but he never stuck to it and constantly returned the kids late, sometimes by days. The deal would be that he was supposed to drop them off at school on Monday morning but I'd get a call from the school asking why they were absent. Then he moved to another province in January. The visit in February did not go well. He returned them two days late and I did not get one single phone call from the kids and when I tried to phone no one would answer. In May I let them go for a 4-day weekend and again they weren't returned and he had social services and the RCMP investigate me for child abuse. No charges were laid but my kids were quizzed several times. My oldest daughter kept changing her story though and the RCMP concluded they were coached, which they were. I finally got them back after 3 weeks of him not letting them talk to me and the things the kids have said have gone there were ridiculous. And now, when they video-chat with him (which I am required by law to do) he says all kinds of things about me to them, I am always in the next room eavesdropping and he absolutely refuses to talk with me, all texts and phone calls to him go unanswered. I took the kids to the waterslide park a week ago, something I really couldn't afford but it was my daughter's birthday and I made it happen, when she told him about it he said "That's what she's doing to make you like her so you won't want to live with me. But she doesn't really care about you, she's just pretending."
 curvylady1965
Joined: 12/31/2017
Msg: 15
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Posted: 8/2/2018 2:51:35 PM
23.00 an hour after 14 years seems low. I hope certification comes with a significant increase. Also, it really depends on what kinds of hours you are working. It could be that your annual salary is quite low, despite an hourly wage that seems reasonable to some.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 16
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Posted: 8/2/2018 3:10:51 PM
This is in Saskatchewan, Canada. That's pretty much as good as it gets around here unless you take more schooling. And wages in Saskatchewan are better than what they were in Manitoba, where I used to live. I have 3-year Bachelor of Rural Development degree specializing in Human Services but that never translated to a job. I also have an additional 3 years of a Bachelor of Human Ecology degree but I fell short by one year (I dropped. My plan is to one day take an additional 1.5 years to get my social work degree but that would take $7000 I don't have and I don't qualify for student aid and I have no credit to get a bank student loan. In university I worked as a Disability Support Assistant to help put myself through school and eventually I switched to become a Home Care Assistant. And that job pays more than any other job I can get around unless of course, I get additional schooling. I now have 11 more months to complete my certification or my job will be terminated. If I lose this job I will have to go back down to becoming a Disability Support Assistant where the wage is only $18 and hour.
 curvylady1965
Joined: 12/31/2017
Msg: 17
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Posted: 8/2/2018 3:30:28 PM
There are easy to obtain government jobs in Regina that pay 56 annually, as well as benefits., and easy to get at least a first level promotion once you're in. You may not be able to move there now, but once you can move out of your mother's, it's an option to consider.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 18
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Posted: 8/2/2018 10:18:52 PM
$56000 annually? Those jobs aren't easy to get. I know because I've tried for several government jobs with no success. Would be nice though. I would love to get to work fulltime Monday to Friday all daytime hours.
 2ufo
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 19
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Posted: 8/3/2018 10:30:23 AM

I had to stop after reading that you married a guy who is already paying for a kid and who didnt work.....
Good decision making on your part.


Extenuating circumstances, Tech, extenuating circumstances.
And he had 2 prior kids from an 18 years marriage so the odds were good for a long-term marriage.
I have acknowledged several times that I didn't want to get married but... extenuating circumstances (which have almost nothing to do with me being pregnant).

July...
Why don't you give up custody for a year or so?
It would allow you to concentrate on yourself and goals (but not the dating one).
It might ease your mind in that they won't suffer under his care (obviously they don't because you do get them back healthy) - and he hasn't threatened to kill them, has he?
 Tech30
Joined: 8/11/2017
Msg: 20
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Posted: 8/3/2018 10:39:40 AM
Extenuating circumstances? justify it all you want. It was piss poor decision making on your part .
 2ufo
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 21
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Posted: 8/3/2018 10:41:50 AM
The decision was bad.
The reasons were good.
 Coma_White
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 22
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Posted: 8/4/2018 4:32:34 PM
I don't understand why anyone would want to have children with someone they're not married or at least living with in a common-law situation. Woman have more birth control options than men and ultimately make the choice whether the children are born or not. It's easy not to get pregnant if you don't want to.
 2ufo
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 23
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Posted: 8/4/2018 6:06:13 PM
For some people, getting pregnant is the reason for sex.
 Coma_White
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 24
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Posted: 8/4/2018 6:40:41 PM

For some people, getting pregnant is the reason for sex.


I get that, but I don't get why they would want to have a baby unless they were in a secure relationship such as married and living together.
 2ufo
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 25
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Posted: 8/4/2018 8:08:06 PM
Because having a baby makes them an adult.
Having a child is redemptive in a poverty-stricken world.

Relationships are not secure when the male parent, by economic necessity, must engage in high-risk behaviors.
Women would prefer the stability of a partner contributing to the economic welfare of the 'family' unit in which to raise their child/ren but, even if stability is non-existent, the will have children.

Check out "Promises I Can Keep" by Kefalas & Edin
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