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Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > Any chance she might come back?      Home login  
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 richdeniro12
Joined: 10/26/2010
Msg: 1
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Any chance she might come back?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Basically back at the beginning of January I met a slightly older woman and we kind of hit it off, I'm 38 by the way. Well to cut a long story short, I have been seeing her since then... I don't really know how to describe the relationship as we weren't boyfriend/girlfriend but it was a lot more than friends with benefits. She's 45, three kids and going through a divorce - never in my wildest dreams did I think I would end up in this situation and I don't really know how it happened! She's still living with her ex-husband although they been separated for 18 months, have separate rooms and the house is up for sale although taking forever to sell but they are also trying to make it easy on their kids.

Anyway so the story is that from January to May we were seeing each other pretty intensely, almost every night and we even went away for Valentines Day and her birthday. When we weren't together it was whatsapp 24/7. Everything was going good but at the end of April she started saying things like she felt she was holding me back from meeting someone my own age and possibly having a family of my own, I told her to stop overthinking but she was adamant that we should take a break. So we went for three weeks in May without any contact, I got back in touch with her and we chatted a bit and she dropped the bombshell that she had started seeing someone. It hit me quite hard and I went a week feeling like rubbish in all honesty and eventually messaged her a long winded message saying I wanted her to be happy and couldn't do the friend thing. I then blocked her and deleted her from FB. Kept her blocked for about a week before messaging her just before I went on holiday for a few days saying I had fallen for her, wanted to be with her, didn't care about the complications, baggage, etc, etch. It was all true.

We then arranged to meet up when I got back and went for a meal and to the cinema at the beginning of June, I fully expected us to just be friends and she was going to let me down gently after having sent that message but in the cinema she held my hand and then afterwards we went back to mine. I thought we were back together. I asked her about the guy she had been seeing and she said it was over and nothing, was just a couple of dates. A couple of days later she was working in another part of town and her company put her up so I went to stay over at the hotel she had been put up in and we went out in the evening, the entire night she seemed really distracted and was on whatsapp a lot, almost every opportunity she had like when I went to the bar or the toilet. I called her up on it and she said it was nothing. We saw each other a few other times in June but it was constantly on my mind.

I had also noticed that she wasn't messaging me anywhere as near as much as when we first got together and it sounds a bit stalkery but everytime I went on Whatsapp I could see she was online, I'd message her and even though she was online it would take sometimes an hour to respond and it felt like someone was more her priority. Throughout most of June it just felt like I was making all the effort to message her and it was a chore to her. She also kept going out with her friends on a Friday or Saturday night rather than see me. Then a couple of weeks ago she came over to mine and we were on the sofa watching tv but she then went on whatsapp, a few times she leaned forward so I wouldn't be able to see who she was messaging. I caught a glimpse of her whatsapp and there was 4 numbers there where she hadn't saved them as a contact so instead of a name you just see +4479 and then the rest of the number. I'm assuming now these were guys who had given her their numbers on nights out or something along those lines.

This was massively bugging me so a few days after that I sent her a long message asking what was going on and if she was in an emotional relationship with someone else and she wrote back saying that she wasn't seeing anyone but in a roundabout way was keeping her options open - she's always maintained that long term she needs someone her own age and who also has kids. I didn't really know what to think and she said can we just keep things casual. I didn't really want to but kind of agreed but she kept coming up with excuses whereby she couldn't see me.

We met up for a drink on Sunday night and spoke a bit about it and she asked if it were possible for us just to be friends. I told her I don't think I can and said I obviously want more, told her to sleep on it and on Monday night she sent me a message saying: "Rich sorry but gonna take a break I'm sorry don't worry I won't block you as we can still stay in touch x things are different in not feeling it anymore x sorry x". I asked if there was someone else and she replied with "Of course I meet people when I go out I suppose i won't know what I'm looking for until it hits me". The final message she sent read "I suppose I just need to fancy someone more please don't feel bad I know you have tried harder lately buts it's not enough sorry".

And that's it really, I didn't reply to that. She messaged me last night saying 'You ok?' and I didn't reply. Going through a second break up with her in the space of a couple of months and it sucks a bit I suppose. I guess it's probably finally over and just wanted to write it all down to get it off my chest and maybe get some advice. My head is all over the place really. Do you think she'll get back in touch with me at some point? I don't know what I'll do if she does.
 BuretoDesu
Joined: 7/1/2018
Msg: 2
Any chance she might come back?
Posted: 7/14/2018 1:41:26 PM

Well to cut a long story short

Yet you wrote six more paragraphs after the first ...


She's 45, three kids and going through a divorce

You should have left when you had the chance.


never in my wildest dreams

night·mare ˈnītˌmer
noun: a frightening or unpleasant dream.


She's still living with her ex-husband although they been separated for 18 months

This is red flag #2,472 of your scenario.


Any chance she might come back?

To answer your question, hopefully not. Delete her number. Better yet, block her number. Burn any scrap of paper, clothing, or other material that may have come in contact with her. Get her out of your life, get yourself together, and move on. You picked a crap situation and you should have left early on.
 curvylady1965
Joined: 12/31/2017
Msg: 3
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Any chance she might come back?
Posted: 7/14/2018 3:39:23 PM
I guess one thing I don't understand is how a woman with THREE children is managing to see you almost every night. How does that happen between working, keeping a home and all the running around one would have to do with their children. Has this relationship really been representative of what an actual relationship would be with her? It sounds like her husband has been doing a lot of the work with the children. Is that the way it would always be? Also, she clearly wants to play the field. She's trying to figure out what she wants next. Maybe she wants the field for a long time to come. Find someone who is actually available and who doesn't have built in childcare to obfuscate what life with them will actually be like.
 whiterose0
Joined: 2/3/2009
Msg: 4
Any chance she might come back?
Posted: 7/14/2018 8:20:59 PM
She told you at one point that she just "wasn't feeling it anymore". Believe her. She might not know exactly what she's looking for at this time, but she's made it abundantly clear that you're not it. Even if she came back again, it would only be temporary.

Stop settling for scraps. Close all channels of communication with her, and move on with your life.
 richdeniro12
Joined: 10/26/2010
Msg: 5
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Any chance she might come back?
Posted: 7/15/2018 12:02:39 PM
I feel stupid that I sent her so many insecure messages about her being on whatsapp a lot and taking so long to reply to me. In a way I wonder if my neediness contributed to her losing what she once felt for me.

Do you think her last message about needing to be with someone she fancies more means she wants to be with someone who she just fancies physically. There was this one guy I was certain something was going on with on whatsapp, he was the main reason I kept calling her up on it and was the name I saw with a few kisses. I looked at his facebook & twitter (couldn't help it when I saw his name) and he was basically the exact opposite of me.... looks like a tattooed football hooligan, alpha male and a complete racist with the stuff he posts. Obviously I can't tell her this as I don't want her to think I have been stalking her or anything like that.

I know I'm overthinking stuff and I shouldn't but just trying to make sense of her final messages to me. Did she just lose attraction to me within a couple of weeks or was it a way of trying to let me go.

I'm quite certain she had a fling with him a few months before me as I asked her when we got together if I was the first person she'd been with after her divorce and she said she was with a guy for a couple of weeks last year but she called it off because she said he was the type of guy who had 4 kids by 4 different women. I think she got back in touch with him during our three week breakup in May and was the person she was 'seeing' when I initially got back in touch with her. I don't know if they have met up in all the time since May but clearly they have been messaging a lot.

One of my friends today said she might be going through the female mid-life-crisis. I never thought of it that way to be honest but could explain her behaviour since we got back together the second time. Her personality appeared to completely change, she went from being lovely in every sense of the world to someone who was more narcissistic and lacked empathy.

Plus she now very much just enjoys attention, the more the better and doesn't seem to be too fussy how many people give it.

I feel like a fool and like I've been used because obviously when she met me she had come out of unhappy, sexless marriage and felt very unattractive. It now feels like she used me to rebuild her confidence and now that she has that is using it to get so much more male attention.

My friend said regarding her last messages that I shouldn't take them personally and that she obviously is only thinking of herself and she is not even considering your feelings or the good times you had together. She's not in a place to be with someone good, someone who respects her and cares about her - she just wants attention and to feel attractive.
 whiterose0
Joined: 2/3/2009
Msg: 6
Any chance she might come back?
Posted: 7/15/2018 12:32:04 PM

I feel stupid that I sent her so many insecure messages about her being on whatsapp a lot and taking so long to reply to me. In a way I wonder if my neediness contributed to her losing what she once felt for me.


Yes, I think your neediness could be a major factor in her waning interest, but also the fact that she's new to dating, and wants to get out there and sow her wild oats.
 SiennaBear2
Joined: 12/2/2017
Msg: 7
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Any chance she might come back?
Posted: 7/15/2018 10:31:09 PM
She was never "with" you. Just liked the attention it seems. Also she's very unloyal and is treating you pretty badly, don't you want better for yourself?
 beercookies
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 8
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Any chance she might come back?
Posted: 7/16/2018 12:20:48 AM
Don’t date anybody freshly broken up or separated. It’s still a triangle, and triangles are nothing but drama. You will be used to reassure them they are attractive as they go through post break up healing, and they may get back with the ex. They are not autonomous emotionally and otherwise yet so their flakiness and chaos abounds.

Block all contact. She's right, date someone your own age if you want kids. Maybe she feared you'd tire of her.
No need to be friends. She might keep toying with you but you need to back away, or get hurt and angry again, waste more time.

Find someone wanting what you want, who is more in the same circumstance- no kids, single truly and wanting a real ltr, kids if that is what you want.

Yeah and quit texting so much and being a doormat- highly unattractive to not set any boundaries. Instead, you monitor and online stalk- not healthy behavior.

Some people multi date, but some don’t care for it. You have to decide if you can put up with that, and if not, exit early if that is what you find.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 9
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Any chance she might come back?
Posted: 7/16/2018 2:42:31 PM
You were definitely way too needy.....
you snooped...you asked way too many questions that were none of your business....
you snooped some more....

you picked a woman that had no time to get her head together from a divorce...
and you pushed her away with the mistrust and overbearing clingyness...

Move on....this bridge is burned.
 fullmoonguy2
Joined: 6/14/2017
Msg: 10
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Any chance she might come back?
Posted: 7/16/2018 2:50:46 PM
I fully realize the supply of quality women to date is low, but really, did you have to settle THIS low?

Raise your standards.
 Tech30
Joined: 8/11/2017
Msg: 11
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Any chance she might come back?
Posted: 7/17/2018 7:15:33 AM
Give your head a shake.

She put out so you tried to latch on to her . Yes you were too clingy , yes you pushed her away, but she didnt want a long term relationship she wanted and needed a fling. She probably wants more flings with more men at the same time. It happens. You should have recognized this and knew she was just a fling and enjoyed it for what it was and not try to make anythign more of it.

The best thing you can do right now is not not try to analyze what went wrong. There is no point. YOu need to move on and date other women and dont get too involved right off the bat.

I doubt you will do that as you seem like someone who gets stuck on a girl easily.

But dont lose your dignity chasing this. Move on
 PollyR107
Joined: 4/8/2016
Msg: 12
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Any chance she might come back?
Posted: 7/17/2018 11:05:02 AM
I don't do dramas. If I was in your situation, I'd walk away. Yes, it might hurt but staying around will hurt even more long term and prevent you from meeting a more suitable girl. Move on and find someone who hasn't got too much baggage.

Life's too short, be with someone or do things that make you happy and stay away from people or things that make you miserable or anxious. JMO.
 richdeniro12
Joined: 10/26/2010
Msg: 13
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Posted: 7/20/2018 3:13:42 AM
Well she kind of reached out to me a couple of evenings ago if you can call it that.

Challenged me to a game of Words with Friends on Facebook.

I didn't respond.
 whiterose0
Joined: 2/3/2009
Msg: 14
Any chance she might come back?
Posted: 7/20/2018 7:51:23 AM
^^^ I think you should delete her as a Facebook friend so that she can't contact you. She's still keeping you on the hook emotionally.

You did the right thing in not responding.
 richdeniro12
Joined: 10/26/2010
Msg: 15
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Posted: 7/20/2018 8:11:03 AM
I know you're right and I probably will.

In the past when I've blocked her and deleted her as a friend she's used a friends or her daughters phone to contact me though. Guess it might send a message though.

Why do women do that though? She obviously doesn't want me but still reaches out in the weirdest way.
 BuretoDesu
Joined: 7/1/2018
Msg: 16
Any chance she might come back?
Posted: 7/20/2018 8:45:21 AM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=moSFlvxnbgk
 lulz567
Joined: 7/6/2018
Msg: 17
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Any chance she might come back?
Posted: 7/20/2018 8:07:28 PM
At my age I’ve not once, even considered dating, much less developing feelings for someone “SEPARATED” and you know why? They are not available. A rebound at best or a ploy at worst. I don’t wish to get involved in such hopeless messes, that are other people’s messess not mine, So I’m not carrying the can back for it and I’m not naive enough just because a couple of times someone found true love that way! Forgetting the hundreds of thousands who got used and discarded once they have sorted out their emotional turmoil. You laid your cards on table and she doesn’t feel you are a match, age, no kids and doesn’t really fancy you, now how much more can she say to swing it for you two to NOT be sailing into no sunset together, if you keep putting yourself up after that to be used, it’s on you. It may not be love, may just be an ego challenge for you, it’s for you to figure out and try best move on. I’d say someone separated even if true will be fed up with commitement anyway after it going wrong and will want to see what options out there, before tying themselves down again or never wanting to tie themselves down again.”one of the casual die hard daters” I meant in another post.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 18
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Any chance she might come back?
Posted: 7/22/2018 10:50:54 PM

I guess one thing I don't understand is how a woman with THREE children is managing to see you almost every night.

She was still living with the hubby who was also raising the kids, too. Almost every night could cut it -- but not spending the night or going home at 2AM almost every night.

Anyway so the story is that from January to May we were seeing each other pretty intensely, almost every night and we even went away for Valentines Day and her birthday.

She WAS a girlfriend. You are what you Do. Labels are only for iffy-gray zones to put more a finger on it. Yours was pretty clear based on what you were doing. Even if said relationship had the warning signs that one shouldn't expect it to be puppy dogs & ice cream forever. Kind of like Summer Romances. During that time, you Are an item... but you also know that one's going to move away to go back home, so you can't feasibly be an item after that. Yours wasn't so clear cut. You knew she was Separated + Living with Hubby, soon-to-be-Ex. Common sense should dictate that you should have seen this as more a Summer Romance if you were seeing each other all the time & it was intense. But that usually prevents it from being so intense -- and more a summer Fling, instead.

at the end of April she started saying things like she felt she was holding me back from meeting someone my own age and possibly having a family of my own

Her wanting a guy "her age" + him Needing to have kids -- is BS, by the way. Especially when on the rebound from a marriage and proven after in getting back together a bit, that she's texting other guys, enjoying the dating circuit. Bottom line is, she didn't want to be tied down. Over time being tied down ended up getting to her and losing interest. That's why people Don't get serious with those on the Rebound. But after you guys "tried it again" in early summer, granted, with lack of intensity/interest on her part compared to your Jan - April strong romance...

"Rich sorry but gonna take a break I'm sorry don't worry I won't block you as we can still stay in touch x things are different in not feeling it anymore x sorry x".

... this is more real. She's just not feeling it anymore. You could be 43. You could have had kids. Doesn't matter. On paper, I think her ideal situation in her own mind would be that, but, she doesn't quite know anyway. She's not in position to be settled down, dude. She got her panties pulled down and hollowed out like a pumpkin by another guy in-between April & June when you two hung out again... and she's getting hollowed out like a pumpkin by another guy now, too.

At the end of the day, she's wanting to enjoy the single/dating life. And when "on paper" you're not the ideal match by being younger in her mind (a guy older but kids to take care of a lot when she doesn't would be a worse match btw) -- it only encourages her to want to dabble in the singles buffet. Which is healthy for her to do, for at least a little while until she's divorced + has moved on after as well.
 whiterose0
Joined: 2/3/2009
Msg: 19
Any chance she might come back?
Posted: 7/27/2018 10:12:00 AM

Why do women do that though? She obviously doesn't want me but still reaches out in the weirdest way.


My guess is that she wants to keep you and other men in her orbit for ego gratification purposes. It makes her feel more desirable as a woman to know she still has what it takes. She sounds extremely insecure from what you've told us about her.

For your own closure, you really need to find a way to cut her off.
Any chance she might come back?
Posted: 7/27/2018 8:10:54 PM
Next time she messages you, tell her you are porking a young hottie. She'll get so jealous, she will want to have sex again- with you.

Make up sex aint so bad!
 richdeniro12
Joined: 10/26/2010
Msg: 21
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Any chance she might come back?
Posted: 7/28/2018 9:30:40 AM

My guess is that she wants to keep you and other men in her orbit for ego gratification purposes. It makes her feel more desirable as a woman to know she still has what it takes. She sounds extremely insecure from what you've told us about her.

For your own closure, you really need to find a way to cut her off.


Have begun to realise that now. This week and next week her ex-husband and kids are on holiday so I'm assuming she is seeing at least one other guy in this period.

Removed her as a Facebook friend and deleted our whatsapp chat history along with her phone number.

Has been three weeks now so am assuming she isn't coming back.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 22
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Any chance she might come back?
Posted: 8/2/2018 10:33:11 AM
When you are on Whatsapp it is so frustrating to see that someone is online or at least active on their phone and they don't respond to your messages till hours later. The first few guys it happened with I got upset but now I just accept the fact that the guy I like is just not into me. If he liked me the way I liked him he would want to have conversations with me, he would ask to talk on the phone to me, he would ask to get together. I currently am seeing someone who does this. He's even admitted to me he sees other women but during the four times we've gotten together he just makes me feel good, both physically and mentally, and we have nice long serious conversations. Every couple days one of us checks in with each other, asks how the other one is doing and that's that. I wish he'd want to talk on the phone sometimes, to hang out together sometime and watch a movie but I think it's just sex for him and I think I'm okay with that for now. I don't have really high expectations for myself at the current time. I think I'm just really happy that a guy I am attracted to and like the personality of gives me occasional attention. When I see him I'm happy for a few days. Just hoping it can continue. I know it sounds pathetic but I keep worrying that one of these days he will just end things completely with me and that will hurt a lot. I hate that I'm so content for table scraps but that's what it is for me now.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 23
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Any chance she might come back?
Posted: 8/2/2018 11:27:55 AM

I currently am seeing someone who does this. He's even admitted to me he sees other women but during the four times we've gotten together he just makes me feel good, both physically and mentally, and we have nice long serious conversations. Every couple days one of us checks in with each other, asks how the other one is doing and that's that.

Merely seeing someone like that is Better than being in a classical dating scenario where you end up becoming an item with someone who's not that into you, things are a mystery a lot of time, he's not that communicative, etc.

Your only trouble is you want more, and he doesn't -- but at the same time, he truly enjoys time with you, even though he just wants to keep it that way, genuinely seeing you from time to time and keeping in touch. The only potential drama is internal.

And, as you have mentioned before -- you aren't very keen on riding off into the sunset with someone anyway. But, when you really like someone at the same time -- we'd all want the other to like us back just as much, where riding off into the sunset is at least a positive idea to them.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 24
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Any chance she might come back?
Posted: 8/2/2018 2:33:59 PM
The situation works well for me. I've met up with so many guys that I have zero attraction to and I feel like it's better to get to spend minimal time with someone who I am attracted to and like as a person rather than continuing to chat to guys online and meet them and not be interested. And because I'm not looking for a relationship (seriously, you've read my posts so you know the chaos that is my life) I am getting what I want at the moment. Of course, it always sits in the back of my mind that he'll get a girlfriend and then that will be the end but I'll enjoy it while it lasts.
 richdeniro12
Joined: 10/26/2010
Msg: 25
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Any chance she might come back?
Posted: 8/3/2018 9:54:08 AM

The situation works well for me. I've met up with so many guys that I have zero attraction to and I feel like it's better to get to spend minimal time with someone who I am attracted to and like as a person rather than continuing to chat to guys online and meet them and not be interested. And because I'm not looking for a relationship (seriously, you've read my posts so you know the chaos that is my life) I am getting what I want at the moment. Of course, it always sits in the back of my mind that he'll get a girlfriend and then that will be the end but I'll enjoy it while it lasts.


Am now thinking I made a mistake by calling my ex out on everything. I'm not really someone who 'gets the girls' so at least I had something but now have ruined that. I at least wouldn't be as lonely I guess.
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