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Joined: 7/7/2018
Msg: 1
Aspergers - Sympathy pull &/or excuse for bad behavioursPage 1 of 1    
Hi there

I was wondering if any women had come across men on POF claiming to be high functioning Asperger's (AUTISM) 'sufferers'. This particular syndrome was somewhat dorment to me, although had heard of it of course, but through courtship I discovered that this Asperger's that this fellow claimed to have, seemed to cloak all his bad behaviours that he was unapologetic about, and not willing to address. I have searched through profiles, and there doesn't seem to be many , openly declaring this syndrome, but I would really appreciate any ladies on POF sharing your feedback on this issue, I personally think in this case in particular, my naturally empathetic nature has been used, and once again I have been naively duped, I just always felt something was off (perhaps mental illness which would explain the lying about Asperger's), any information would be helpful. Many thanks, Hervey Bay QLD AUSTRALIA
Joined: 12/10/2011
Msg: 2
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Aspergers - Sympathy pull &/or excuse for bad behaviours
Posted: 7/20/2018 5:49:08 AM
There is a difference between being unaware of social behaviour standards, and being aware but not caring. In a social species like ours, the former is considered a disorder while the latter is considered being a prick.

My limited understanding of Aspergers/Autism is that their brains are wired so that they are truly unaware of social conventions. It's not like a choice can be made. Though with the right support they may memorise tricks to get by in the world. Where we see 'happy face' they see 'face' or maybe 'face with an angular nose, freckles, glasses, two moles approximately 3cm from chin...' With some training they see lips move and eyes crinkle and use a mnemonic to consciously translate and interpret the various signals as meaning 'happy face'.

Now whether someone has a disorder or mental illness doesn't mean they are not responsible for their behaviour. All of what we call 'ethics' depends on personal responsibility. The legal system does grant some clemency for extreme cases, but that is with professional assessment and does not change the fact that they get locked up for being a danger to themselves and others; it only changes the nature of the treatment they receive.

It is important to remember that we are all disordered and mentally ill in some small way, even if it is just some mild neuroticism. The people who know they are far down the rabbit hole on such spectra - who try to do the best they can not to be pricks - are deserving of empathy on the basis of their good intentions and efforts even if they sometimes fail. And yes, those who are so far gone that they don't even know it deserve empathy as well... from a safe distance. The ones who know they have problems that negatively impact others around them and choose to do nothing about it are the ones we have evolved to collectively punish, for obvious reasons. Social cohesion in small bands of hunter-gathers greatly increases our collective chances of survival.

So what to do in relationships and interactions? I would suggest that you treat everyone the same - judge them by the virtue and integrity of their actions, for in the end that is what matters. There will always be doubt as to their true intentions and culpability, so you can spend your life making excuses for others. But life is short, and with clarity of mind and purpose you can do much more for humanity as a whole than by being a martyr for anyone else.
Joined: 8/1/2017
Msg: 3
Aspergers - Sympathy pull &/or excuse for bad behaviours
Posted: 7/24/2018 6:01:24 AM
The last time I tried posting on a regional board I was banned for life..... But you are all welcome to post on the UK board, us poms don't mind (all 17 that are remaining on the forum...)
An example of high functioning aspergers. which is what I have. An aspie's humor is slightly different to neural typicals.

We're actually capable of being deeply caring but sometimes things pass over the top of our heads. The part of the brain which deals with "social" processing in us, is less developed. The higher functioning we are the better we are at fitting in amongst neural typicals, because we learn from experience. But we can still even after 50 years of learning get flummoxed on occasion. When faced with a novel social situation if we can't find a close match in our data banks we can appear to freeze on the spot. We don't know what is going on or maybe what someone actually meant so we either make a poor decision or none at all. We also experience sensory overload easily, so with someone shouting at us, then we just stand there unresponsive. Which to some people seems indifferance or we're ignoring the other and refusing to accept responsibility, but really it is our brains just switching to night mode because we DON'T UNDERSTAND (excuse the caps)
So if you think you are talking to an aspie, just quieten down. Work out in your own head how to break down the situation that has upset you, into single steps and take the other person through these one by one.

However, I'd agree that if someone consistently messes up and treats someone badly and then uses the aspie card as a get out of gaol free card, then it's more likely he is a covert narcissist. NPD to the lay person appears very similar to aspergers, the two get confused for one another, and really only clinicians trained in both, personality disorders which is what NPD is, and aspergers which is a developmental disorder could reliable diagnose. But the bottom line is that the aspie does care about other people's feelings even though they don't always understand them, and will try to avoid hurting others. The NPD however doesn't care and won't modify their behavior unless it's in their selfish interest to, or are forced to in order to avoid a serious consequence.

It is also a sad fact that people with NPD prefer to hook up with empathic people or those with other disorders, because they get more leeway to behave badly, are more likely to be forgiven or have the benefit of doubt applied, or can more easily blindside someone who is perhaps less emotionally healthy.
P.S I am not a lady nor have I ever been, but I don't see many responses yet..... Just trying to help :)

P.P.S Although rarer, some women have aspergers too. I once dated an aspie lady and it never went beyond the friendship stage because we both lacked the social skills to er take it beyond comparing programming tales and favorite things. such is life as I really liked her.

P.P.P.S To date there has been no evidence that NPD can be effectively cured. Only managed by those with it who upon recognizing their condition decide and actively work on continuous self monitoring to counter their instincts. But people with NPD don't 'choose' the condition because even though it is a condition that appears to be all about "me" rather than "everyone" people with NPD are actually in a state of constant self loathing and despair. The problem is that they try to make themselves feel better by controlling and abusing others. The bigger problem for "everyone else" is that those with NPD can be awfully good at hiding in plain sight, and gaslighting people into thinking that it's their victims that are the problem.
As the above poster says, when they are so far down the rabbit hole, empathy from a distance as you'll only get burnt trying to help.
Joined: 7/7/2018
Msg: 4
Aspergers - Sympathy pull &/or excuse for bad behaviours
Posted: 7/25/2018 7:39:55 AM
Believe me I get all that you said above - I did my research thoroughly as I really wanted him to feel comfortable etc nothing rang true though, nothing was consistent, not once. My intuition was screaming that something was not right, I know a few men who are definitely on the spectrum.

Just so disappointing, how do people justify these behaviours :(

Oh, and I do thank you for taking the time for such a thoughtful and well considered response.
Joined: 6/1/2017
Msg: 5
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Aspergers - Sympathy pull &/or excuse for bad behaviours
Posted: 7/30/2018 1:40:44 PM
Such a great post, thank you.
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