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 Mike_Dino
Joined: 5/8/2015
Msg: 1
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Line is getting blurry between friends and datingPage 1 of 1    
Hi all

Hoping you can advise me. I'm friends with this girl where it started off as colleagues at the office 2 years ago (I was helping her with stuff), that turned into her helping me with a personal project last year, guided me through a rough patch earlier this year, and now we do things together like hike, bike, talk, go for dinner, go for a drink, go to the open air market, etc. We'll hike somewhere and sit down next to each other and talk, appreciate nature etc. It feels like a date at times. But I find she does not show emotion. She laughs, is kind and caring but there's this invisible wall up. It's been there ever since I met her. One day without me asking she told me she learned to control her emotions from training she received related to the armed forces. The other night I was at her place and she was showing me pics from a recent trip to visit family, stuff she brought back, family stories and for a brief period it felt her guard was down and I actually felt something. She's told me she's just looking for a nice guy to eventually live with. A couple of things I find interesting is last year she was helping me with something outside the office (I no longer work there) and someone from the office saw us. She immediately told me she would be making sure that person knew we were not dating. Lately, we've seen people from the office and once she said she figured rumours would start Monday but said she didn't care. Two other occasions she never said a thing. The last two times she's been in my car, she's left things. One time a water bottle and hair clip in the door. Last time was the same clip in the cup holder. I noticed her pick up her things and later saw the clip left there. I'm thinking, was that intentional? lol

In any case, I am leaning towards just asking her if she would be interested in actually dating as it's obvious we enjoy each other's company, and say if she's only in this as friends, then I am good with that too. But my gut tells me she's not interested that way, but my friends say I have a confidence problem so I'm not sure what to do.

Thanks
 cindi_rella
Joined: 7/25/2016
Msg: 2
Line is getting blurry between friends and dating
Posted: 8/28/2018 5:44:07 PM
It seems the one making the lines blurry is you. Youve been friends with her for 2 years. Just friends. Even your gut says she isnt interested in you in a romantic way. So much so that she will make sure people you used to work with know the 2 of your are not dating. It doesnt sound like youre interested in her either since youve known her for a long time and havent made a move on her. Dont ruin a good friendship IMO.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 3
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Line is getting blurry between friends and dating
Posted: 8/28/2018 5:59:27 PM
What training would she have had that would keep her from dating you if she wanted to?

She is either not interested in you that way or she has something that keeps her from being with anyone. I do know that it's annoying when someone you thought was a good friend hits on you. Others opinions will vary.
 Clytemnestra
Joined: 6/6/2018
Msg: 4
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Line is getting blurry between friends and dating
Posted: 8/29/2018 7:49:12 AM
msg#3:
I do know that it's annoying when someone you thought was a good friend hits on you. Others opinions will vary.


This has happened to me a few times. And it felt like the rankest kind of betrayal. I never wanted anything to do with those particular guys again.

;-(
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 5
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Line is getting blurry between friends and dating
Posted: 8/29/2018 9:54:34 AM
I suspect she did like the OP. But if she's like me and very careful to hide her feelings, which she has confessed she does, she would never be the one to bring up the feelings. I always always believe the person I like has no romantic interest in me so I will never put myself out there.
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 6
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Line is getting blurry between friends and dating
Posted: 8/29/2018 11:50:18 PM
If the line is blurred between friends and lovers, especially for two years, then it means you two are just friends, probably for life. Plus, couples usually start kissing within the first few dates (and you had those a long time ago). If you want a girlfriend, you'll have to find another.
 PennyAnte
Joined: 4/17/2016
Msg: 7
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Line is getting blurry between friends and dating
Posted: 10/8/2018 7:54:02 PM
The most intimate and sexually satisfying relationships I have had was with my best friend.
Why are you analyzing her when you know her well enough to ask her if she would ever consider having a romantic relationship with you?

Don't show your feelings express is as a matter of fact. Just ask. Tell her you sometimes think about being her lover. Keep this simple. Do not be overly emotional. I have friends that I have remained friends with that at one time or another I had to tell them I didn't want romance with them. I kept them as friends. I didn't feel the need to distance myself from them or ruin a tried and true friendship.

If she is your friend and a caring woman she will understand why you asked and give you an honest answer. Be prepared for a rejection and if that happens tell her that you will always love her as a friend and that you will try to not think about her that way anymore. If the conversation continues you could tell her that that is what you ultimately desire and that you will start searching for a mate. Who knows you might even find someone here.

Good luck and God bless you.
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 8
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Line is getting blurry between friends and dating
Posted: 10/9/2018 4:26:06 PM

PennyAnte
If she is your friend and a caring woman she will understand why you asked and give you an honest answer. Be prepared for a rejection and if that happens tell her that you will always love her as a friend and that you will try to not think about her that way anymore.

An amazingly non-realistic statement from a woman who normally gives good advice.

If thinking about a particular woman gives a man a hard-on, having her reject his advances is not going to change that. About the only thing I can imagine that might change that would be if he were to find out that she routinely tortures small animals and children. Maybe.
 PennyAnte
Joined: 4/17/2016
Msg: 9
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Line is getting blurry between friends and dating
Posted: 10/9/2018 8:21:21 PM
"An amazingly non-realistic statement from a woman who normally gives good advice."

Henry: I don't have testosterone and I haven't had a hard on, not one that I can remember anyway.

I have had men that were friends and attracted to me and when I did tell them I was not interested in them romantically as gently as possible they did move on. In fact I played match maker for one and he has been happily married to her for over 20 years.

My advice may not be spot on for some men but I think it is better for them to "know" than to be dragged along hoping that some day they would somehow change the woman's mind. I have seen this far to often that a man or a woman pines away for someone and they never get the kind of relationship they want with that person.

I thought my advice was practical and realistic. If he can or can not get over his infatuation with her is up to him. If she responds negatively than he should TRY to not think of her sexually and TRY to find someone else that meets that need. It is not impossible and it would be better for the OP to accept that rejection and move on.

It would also put the woman as "just friends" at ease if he tells her that he would try not to "think" or a better wording maybe try not to pursue her as a romantic playmate.

I did use the word TRY on purpose because I know from experience that sometimes a man can not change the way he feels. If that is the case here then he should perhaps TRY to gradually distance himself from her. It would do him no good to continue to entertain those thoughts if she doesn't reciprocate those feelings.

I hope it helps him.. I wouldn't try to mislead anyone and I don't want the OP to be mislead either. It is quite possible that he maybe reading too much into the friendship and if she says no thank you he will have to find a way to come to terms with it "hard on" or not.
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 10
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Line is getting blurry between friends and dating
Posted: 10/9/2018 9:16:21 PM
I guess it wouldn't hurt to ask subtly. At least there won't be two more years of trying to bring these blurred lines into focus.

An update from the OP would be helpful.
 bearcat44
Joined: 10/24/2014
Msg: 11
Line is getting blurry between friends and dating
Posted: 10/19/2018 10:22:58 AM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=npBKT6ZV9Xg
 ontheotherhand
Joined: 6/24/2018
Msg: 12
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Line is getting blurry between friends and dating
Posted: 10/22/2018 8:22:56 PM
Since this post is about 2 months old I hope the OP will come back and tells us if he told her and how that went.
Line is getting blurry between friends and dating
Posted: 12/7/2018 8:33:39 PM

I do know that it's annoying when someone you thought was a good friend hits on you. Others opinions will vary.



This has happened to me a few times. And it felt like the rankest kind of betrayal. I never wanted anything to do with those particular guys again.

;-(.


Ladies, can you explain this? I think it's one of the reasons why men sometimes don't approach women they are interested in. They sometimes get weird when they know a guy is romantically interested then they don't want anything to do with him.

I've had a couple female friends who I was interested in but they didn't feel the same way. We talked about it. No big deal. Life went on. There might have been one or two who distanced themselves after they found I looked at them as more than a friend. I've also had it the other way a few times. One female friend was interested in me. She kissed me as we were leaving a club one night. I told her I didn't feel the same way. Did that with a smile and no tension. Another one was into me years ago. I knew it wouldn't work out as a relationship but we stayed close friends and intimate once in awhile.

I think it's a compliment when a female friend finds me attractive and thinks highly enough of me to want to be in a relationship. We should be able to go with our feelings as friends or take it to the next level if we are mutually interested.
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 14
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Line is getting blurry between friends and dating
Posted: 12/8/2018 6:23:02 AM

I do know that it's annoying when someone you thought was a good friend hits on you. Others opinions will vary.



This has happened to me a few times. And it felt like the rankest kind of betrayal. I never wanted anything to do with those particular guys again.

;-(.



Ladies, can you explain this?


I can only speak for myself, so here goes.
Think of this as cupid with an arrow. He aims, he shoots, he misses. Was his aim off, or did his intended target dodge the arrow?? Once the arrow has been let loose the line of trajectory can not be altered.

I am one of those women who has never, sought out a man "to be friends first". The men whose company I enjoyed, the men I work/ed with, ………...remain/ed on a platonic level. Of the few times, I became friends with, also having sex with, a man who "just wanted to be friends", when he seemed to be falling in love with me, I bailed. These were men who tried to change the outcome of our relationship. This doesn't work with me.

I admit I have trust issues. …………..(No not the kind of trust one has for a partner to not cheat. To the best of my knowledge no man has cheated on me)
The type of trust="I mean what I say, and I say what I mean." "I will do exactly as I said". I need to believe, IN THEM.
As was written / quoted above, to flip flop, is "betrayal". To "hit on" is definitely "annoying".

When there are no ground rules, when there is no sense of direction, "Just wondering aimlessly" , no goal to have or not have a relationship, I may choose to follow a man , for awhile, but if he begins to slow down, ………………….I take the fork in the road, leaving him in the dust.

Bottom line. If you ask a woman her view of, "Friends first", AND she gives you a definitive answer, there should be no guessing which side of the fence she will land.
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 15
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Line is getting blurry between friends and dating
Posted: 12/8/2018 9:08:09 AM
https://medium.com/dating-meets-data/the-friendship-first-approach-to-dating-5e810e09adc7
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