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 thebestgirl1977
Joined: 9/2/2018
Msg: 1
What to do?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I know, some might consider my situation a bit odd or unusual but I honestly don't know what to do right now.

I met my fiance on another dating site a bit more than three years ago. We started dating very slowly. Became an official couple seven month after our first date. He wasn't over his ex wife when we first met. He divorced her four years prior to meeting me which in my opinion is a long time to get over someone. They only were together for few month before getting married, divorced after six month of marriage and had no kids but still he was obsessing almost non stop about
her. Weird, I know. I should've left him but I stayed. At first it was like three of us in this relationship but eventually he really focused on me and only me.

He asked me to move in with him after us dating for about a year. I said yes but before I was supposed to move in with him I got very sick. I had a severe case of a Strep throat. It took me two month to get rid of it. It was so bad that my doctor had to consult another specialist about my treatment. He'd never seen such a severe case before, the one that could not be cured with a single round of antibiotics. Anyhow, my BF and I talked on a phone daily but he has not even once visited me or asked me if I need anything. He was afraid to get sick from me. A red flag, I know. My mom helped a lot during my illness and never got sick.

When I got better, I was very eager for us to finally to start our lives together. But at that point in time he didn't want me to move in with him anymore. His excuses were like, well, it's almost winter time, why don't we wait till the summer? He became emotionally distant from me and I caught him in a few small lies. I suspect he was seeing someone behind my back (a lot of stuff just didn't add up) but I have no proof really. I moved whatever stuff I had out of his house and his response was: "Thank you for your understanding." Huh?

Long story short, the summer came and we were still dating. He brought the subject of us moving in together again. I was very hesitant but he assured me that this is what he really wants and that is is totally ready for it. He showered me with lots of attention and love just to show how committed he was to us being together. So I moved in with him in August of 2017. Things were going great, we never fought, almost did everything together. We were very in-sync with each other. I was very happy living with him and according to him, he was very happy living with me too.

In March of 2018, he asked me to marry him. It was totally unexpected and needless to say I was in shock. I had my reservations due to his past actions but since things were going so nicely, I said Yes. Things became even better for us. We had long talks about our wedding and our future together and couldn't be happier.

In April, he asked me to have a child with him. I was very astonished. A child, really? I am 40. Not impossible but since neither of us had a child before, why now? We talked about many times in great length. We agreed to go to my family doctor to get some basic tests done. Here in Canada, you cannot just walk into a fertility clinic. You have to be referred there by your family physician. And the wait time is up to six month. I stalled for about a month before making any appointments since I wasn't too sure if he really was into it or if I was still capable of having children. I always wanted to have a child but somehow it never happened to me. He assured me over and over again, how happy he would be for us to try to have a child. Nothing is guaranteed but at least we need to try. His words. At the end he convinced me.

So I made the appointment in May to see my doctor. We did some basic tests and everything came back normal. My ovarian reserve levels were on a lower end of a spectrum but my doctor told us that with the hormonal meds and possible the IVF I might be able to conceive considering my age. I wasn't in a perimenopause according the the blood work so there is a good chance for us. He told us about the prices at the fertility clinic and made the appointment for us. My fiancee assured me that finances would not be a problem for him since earns very good money. At least he wants to try few times at the fertility clinic and see what happens. We researched some options like donor eggs and he assured me that he is fine with it and finances would not be a problem for him.

This is were everything started going wrong. He became very short tempered, started constantly snapping at me. I started doing everything wrong in his eyes. I tried to talk to him about it but he told me that nothing is wrong and that he is just too stressed at work. He started charting my menstrual cycle days and yelled at me when I got my period few days earlier than expected. Huh?? I told him that I cannot control my cycle any more than he can. Things went even more downhill from there. He started picking up the fights with me and it got to the point where I was ready to move out. We made up but it felt like he was holding some sort of grudge against me.

At the beginning of August we had a talk about our relationship. He couldn't understand why I haven't gotten pregnant naturally. He thought that I would be able to conceive without any intervention within 2-3 month of trying without any protection. He didn't blame me but just couldn't understand why it didn't just happen since we had lots of sex around my ovulation time. I gave him a whole lecture about the female hormones my chances of conserving naturally after the ripe old age of 40. We discussed it all before but he didn't realize that chances were that low.

He told me few weeks ago that he doesn't think it is necessary to pay for a fertility clinic. He only wanted to go there to find out the chances/percentages of me becoming pregnant. He never intended to pay for anything. He is perfectly fine living without a child. No he will not leave me but will get used to childless life with me. Oh, and apparently he dated a very young women before dating me but she dumped him so he decided to date woman his own age (no idea why he told me all that now). I cannot believe how cruel he can be.

I put a lot thoughts and considerations and emotions into a possibility of having a child. Doubts, happiness, what ifs, maybes. He thinks I should just get over it. He thinks that in two days I should be back to normal. He doen't understand how I feel betrayed by him and how he played with my emotions only to let me down. I don't want to go to a fertility clinic only to find out the statistics with no further treatment.

I don't know what to do. I am a mess right now. Should I break up with him?

Sorry for the long read.
 thebestgirl1977
Joined: 9/2/2018
Msg: 2
What to do?
Posted: 9/7/2018 11:04:55 AM
I don't have anybody to talk with about this. My parents absolutely hate him and my friends want me to dump him. I need an objective opinion.
 Coma_White
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 3
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What to do?
Posted: 9/7/2018 11:22:50 AM

I put a lot thoughts and considerations and emotions into a possibility of having a child. Doubts, happiness, what ifs, maybes. He thinks I should just get over it. He thinks that in two days I should be back to normal. He doen't understand how I feel betrayed by him and how he played with my emotions only to let me down. I don't want to go to a fertility clinic only to find out the statistics with no further treatment.

I don't know what to do. I am a mess right now. Should I break up with him?


Why would you want to start raising a baby at 40 years old? I just don't get it. I don't think you and him are thinking straight. Use your money to go on a nice trip to Europe instead. If you're not happy with him and he's mean to you, break up with him.
 whiterose0
Joined: 2/3/2009
Msg: 4
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What to do?
Posted: 9/7/2018 11:35:20 AM
Yes, you should break up with him immediately. I don't think he loves you. Based on what you've told us, he's emotionally abusive, and doesn't appear to care about your feelings or your health.

I don't think he would be a good father if you were to become pregnant with his child. It's probably a blessing in disguise that you've been unable to conceive with him.
 Tech30
Joined: 8/11/2017
Msg: 5
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What to do?
Posted: 9/7/2018 11:37:29 AM
How do you not see how horrible of a relationship youre in and he is unstable mentally.....how?
Move on now before you waste more of your life on this moron
 thebestgirl1977
Joined: 9/2/2018
Msg: 6
What to do?
Posted: 9/7/2018 12:28:24 PM

How do you not see how horrible of a relationship youre in and he is unstable mentally.....how?


You are absolutely right. It took me three years to figure it all out. I haven't dated much in the past, was never in any abusive relationships. He could be the nicest, the most charming guy on the planet when he wants to be. He had nice times but I didn't realize till recently how emotionally abusive he's been towards me.

I guess convincing me to bear his child and taking it all back and blaming me for it really made me snap out of it. I see him clearly for what he is now.
 PollyR107
Joined: 4/8/2016
Msg: 7
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What to do?
Posted: 9/7/2018 2:09:59 PM
What to do?

Get out and disappear from his life for good. For your own sake, OP.
 fullmoonguy2
Joined: 6/14/2017
Msg: 8
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What to do?
Posted: 9/7/2018 2:59:35 PM

Should I break up with him?


And ruin a perfectly good dysfunctional relationship?


He wasn't over his ex wife when we first met. He divorced her four years prior to meeting me which in my opinion is a long time to get over someone. They only were together for few month before getting married, divorced after six month of marriage and had no kids but still he was obsessing almost non stop about
her. Weird, I know.


Excellent choice when you had a free choice to get involved or not get involved in such a situation.


I haven't dated much in the past,


You need to think things through a lot better in the beginning of any dating relationship or you will end up like so many others on here.
What to do?
Posted: 9/7/2018 3:33:03 PM
Reading the bullcrap people put up with in relationships makes me say " and this is why I'm single".

Who in their right mind would give up the peace and quiet of the single life to put up with this kind of nonsense?

Lady, You are too fecking old to be having kids. Get rid of the loser and get yourself a puppy.
 five-marie
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 10
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Posted: 9/7/2018 4:52:48 PM
" My parents absolutely hate him and my friends want me to dump him. I need an objective opinion."
Your parents and your friends care about you and want the best for you. If they all hate him trust their opinions.
 cutenerd1866
Joined: 7/27/2018
Msg: 11
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What to do?
Posted: 9/7/2018 5:03:05 PM

I don't have anybody to talk with about this. My parents absolutely hate him and my friends want me to dump him. I need an objective opinion.


That speaks volumes. If the people who love and care about you the most don't like him, it's probably because they see something in how he treats you that they don't like. You know what you should do. You're asking us for validation on what you already know you should do.

I do disagree however with some of the other posters regarding your age and having children. If you wish to have children, and are able to, and are ready to be a parent, then you should. And if you can't, there's always the methods you mention or adoption. No one should give up the desire for a family just because they've hit a certain biological age. Just my thoughts on the matter.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 12
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What to do?
Posted: 9/7/2018 7:24:49 PM
I would never have dated him.
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 13
What to do?
Posted: 9/7/2018 7:56:45 PM
What to do?.........….Take a nice long hot bubble bath, while sipping on a cold glass of wine...…………...do this before you say, "I don't"...……….then again afterwards. You will feel relaxed and ready to make NEW...…….. life changing decisions.

…………………...No I am not kidding...……….try it!
 TheEvolutionOfJessi
Joined: 8/29/2015
Msg: 14
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Posted: 9/7/2018 8:25:18 PM
::working on presumption that you're still living at 'his' place::
What to do??

take a day off work... without him knowing... get some friends and family that 'don't like him' to come over and help you pack and haul ass outta there.... since mum/mom helped you with strep throat, will she help you with a place to stay?
Go splurge somewhat on a luxury pamper retreat and celebrate doing whatever the frick you like... (I know I would spend that money now... )

Fear Of Missing Out on a 'fellow' may potentially have you miss out on the rest of your life....
in 'today's world, childless is not a place of shame.... for some it's an amazing feeling... still so much you can do....

The environment you've described, is toxic for a child to be raised in.... and high probability 'father' will bail... so you'll end up raising child alone... I don't think there's a 'mother' here who will say it's 'easy'.
 TomásIasan
Joined: 5/17/2018
Msg: 15
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What to do?
Posted: 9/7/2018 11:44:57 PM
Walk a way classify yourself as a winner? If you stay with him your prize is not going to be enjoyable that is for sure.
 SiennaBear2
Joined: 12/2/2017
Msg: 16
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What to do?
Posted: 9/8/2018 12:58:57 AM
He seems emotionally abusive you should eiyher get him counseling or leave
 backcreek7
Joined: 12/2/2014
Msg: 17
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Posted: 9/8/2018 8:54:53 AM

I cannot believe how cruel he can be


^^^^ This sentence alone , should tell you what to do. Ordinarily, I would be feeling sorry for you - being stuck with such an a-ss. BUT in this case it seems hard to do. You have made so many errors in judgment, it is almost beyond belief. < Those are the facts, but this doesn't mean you cannot remove yourself from the scene. AND, I would do this immediately, as quickly as I could. ~ for I think , this scenario could quickly go from " bad to worse ".

......... Second thing, get counseling by a professional immediately . To say you've been naïve, is putting it mildly . Seems that all the " facts" about this dude were glaring examples, of a person to steer away from. To answer your question, not only should you break up with him NOW, you need a bit of help concerning your thinking processes. Forget the baby thing, get the H out of that house and seek some help.

........ And don't worry or think your some kind of basket case, no - one is perfect and many of us could use some guidance along our way through life. But if you don't reflect upon your past choices, a " groundhog day " will end up being your future, in my OP. I'd hate to see this happen, to a good human being < such as yourself.


Should I break up with him?

^ You having to ask this question, shows you need to have some counseling, as the above poster most wisely posted.

good luck & get going ( now! )


heart / sun
 backcreek7
Joined: 12/2/2014
Msg: 18
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What to do?
Posted: 9/8/2018 9:04:49 AM
^^^^
*** the above poster ( Siennabear ) ***
Had the solution in reverse ...
~ HE is not the one that needs counseling ( he IS a total lost cause piece of s-hit, in my op )
...... You are the one that could use it, for you are decent human being ...


heart / sun
 siisaa
Joined: 8/6/2017
Msg: 19
What to do?
Posted: 9/8/2018 9:25:48 AM
You should do what is best for you in the long-run and leave him. In a way, it's a blessing you two weren't able to have a baby together. Otherwise you'd be stuck with him in your life for at least the next 18 years.
 thebestgirl1977
Joined: 9/2/2018
Msg: 20
What to do?
Posted: 9/9/2018 11:40:19 AM
I've left him today. It's over and done with but I am an emotional mess right now. He put me though emotional hell last four month.

Will look into counseling options next week. I am going to stay with my parents for a month or two till I find a place of my own.

Thanks everybody for your support.
 backcreek7
Joined: 12/2/2014
Msg: 21
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Posted: 9/9/2018 2:21:59 PM
^^^^


I've left him today


^^^^ Congratulations Sweetheart !!!!

..... Consider this to be a new beginning in your life. One in which, a big weight will be lifted from your heart & soul.
The future ( once again ) can be looked forward too , for anything is possible. Stay strong ~ because he will probably try to win you back, knowing how to press just the right buttons to tug at your heart & soul. The less you see ( or talk ) to him, the better, in my op.

..... And please know, you are a good person. After all, we are only human by definition ~ having our good points, as well as our faults and fears. I love that you will seek counseling, it shows your desire to be pro-active ... RIGHT ON KIDDO !! It is a strong person, that admits to themselves, they cold use help from another.

..... So > GOOD LUCK !!! We will be waiting to hear from you ...

& here is a song, in your honor ...
* lyrics " I think I can make it now, the pain is gone ..
............. All of the bad feelings have disappeared ..
............. Here is the rainbow you've been waiting for ..
............. It's gonna be a bright bright bright > sun ~shiny day !!! "

... I CAN SEE CLEARLY NOW by Johnny Nash

> turn it up ^

heart / sun
 __TEXASCHICK__
Joined: 11/9/2011
Msg: 22
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What to do?
Posted: 9/9/2018 4:38:26 PM
Please, please do not waste ANY MORE TIME on this person, he is not worth your time.
 siisaa
Joined: 8/6/2017
Msg: 23
What to do?
Posted: 9/9/2018 6:04:36 PM
Yay :) Good for you. It may hurt like hell right now but from what you've told us, you leaving him is a good decision in the long run. The best choices are typically the harder ones.
 bearcat44
Joined: 10/24/2014
Msg: 24
What to do?
Posted: 10/19/2018 10:19:21 AM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iVXdxaaRiAU

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5pPGijYBaVE&t=95s
 Tech30
Joined: 8/11/2017
Msg: 25
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What to do?
Posted: 10/19/2018 12:05:25 PM
You dont need to go MGTOW if you stop trying to date just because you're lonely.
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