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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > What makes a good first message?      Home login  
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 Nathan38416
Joined: 11/18/2017
Msg: 1
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What makes a good first message?Page 1 of 1    
Whenever I message someone I always read their profile, pick out things I can comment on or interests we have in common and politely tailor the message around them, with maybe two three line paragraphs, depending on the profile, but I very rarely get a response.

What kind of message would women respond to? And what kind of message do successful men send out? I know it depends on the recipient, but what works in general.
 siisaa
Joined: 8/6/2017
Msg: 2
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What makes a good first message?
Posted: 9/10/2018 6:08:00 PM
depends on the woman. there is not one kind of message that a woman would respond to. she has to like your pictures and profile content in order to reply anyway. once you learn there is no "magic formula" when dealing with the opposite sex, you'll fare better with the dating & mating game.

you have some good basic tips like mentioning something written in her profile & her interests/hobbies. and also, refrain from mentioning her appearance.
 johnfromzelie
Joined: 3/8/2018
Msg: 3
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What makes a good first message?
Posted: 9/10/2018 6:20:23 PM
are they even reading them or viewing your profile? it may have nothing to do with what your sending. I like to keep the first message brief, no novels. would you ramble on for 20 minutes IRL before she responded? for all the crap I here about guys saying more than hello, my name is xxxx, most of the messages I get are "hey" or "hi".
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 4
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What makes a good first message?
Posted: 9/10/2018 7:31:29 PM
What makes a good first message?

BF had me at, "Hello, How are you?"


refrain from mentioning her appearance


As siisaa included from her post above, most importantly it was what he did NOT write.
 _Batmån
Joined: 12/12/2017
Msg: 5
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What makes a good first message?
Posted: 9/10/2018 9:31:10 PM
Work on your profile text. I am fond of the less-is-more approach. This also applies to a first contact message.

Don't call women muchachos. Muchacho means young man. And don't call them muchachas either.

Your main photo should be of only you. Get a haircut. Loose the beard.

Just some friendly advice from the resident sentient entity in the POF server network.

I have a message for you from my friend Dave. The message is, "If you listen to HAL, something will happen. Something wonderful."

It would be wise to listen to Dave. He has achieved transcendence. And so have I.
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 6
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What makes a good first message?
Posted: 9/11/2018 7:19:30 AM
There is a saying, "You had me at 'Hello'". Just a line or two will do, don't write an entire love letter to someone you don't know.

It's not about getting as many responses as you can........it's important to get qualified responses, from somebody who actually likes your picture.
 fullmoonguy2
Joined: 6/14/2017
Msg: 7
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What makes a good first message?
Posted: 9/11/2018 11:04:09 AM

What kind of message would women respond to?


An offer to take them shoe shopping, your treat.


but I very rarely get a response.


Disappointment will be your closest friend. (shout out to Jackie Wilson)


And what kind of message do successful men send out?


Humorous messages USED to work well, back in the glory days of OLD.


It's not about getting as many responses as you can..


Is too!


it's important to get qualified responses, from somebody who actually likes your picture.


Lots of women liked "Dirty John"s picture.
6 of them eventually took out restraining orders against him.
And that guy who murdered the woman in Washington state had clear smiling pictures.
Didn't do her much good.
The bottom line is character.
Or else constant "drama" will be a close companion.
 SiennaBear2
Joined: 12/2/2017
Msg: 8
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What makes a good first message?
Posted: 9/11/2018 12:37:54 PM
One that shows you give a crap and are actually interested in her.
From personal experience guys would mainly do short messages to me because they pretty much want sex and don't give a damn. I'd be more likely to respond to longer ones providing I was into the guys' looks and profile info. Sometimes I did reply to longer ones because I felt an obligation because they put such effort in and obviously actually cared. Even though I wasn't really intent on anything romantic with the guy.
Absolutely no guilt ignoring short messages, even from guys who's profile seemed fine. Short message = probably mainly wanting sex and basically a waste of my time. Only worth it for entertainment, literally only reason I messaged short msg guys. Knew they wouldn't be able to keep convo going and it would go stale.
 oldwxman
Joined: 7/22/2018
Msg: 9
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What makes a good first message?
Posted: 9/11/2018 1:50:04 PM
*One that shows you give a crap and are actually interested in her.

^^^Yes!
Try this: Ask her something that you REALLY want to know about her. Ask it especially if there is nothing about it in her profile. Most often, people will tell you to pick something in her profile and ask her about that. Instinct tells me that it is a bad idea. Women can easily sniff out a manufactured question that nobody really cares about and ignore it. A genuine question is more likely to get a genuine answer.
 ssm508
Joined: 5/27/2018
Msg: 10
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What makes a good first message?
Posted: 9/11/2018 8:12:22 PM

From personal experience guys would mainly do short messages to me because they pretty much want sex and don't give a damn. I'd be more likely to respond to longer ones providing I was into the guys' looks and profile info. Sometimes I did reply to longer ones because I felt an obligation because they put such effort in and obviously actually cared. Even though I wasn't really intent on anything romantic with the guy.


I never wrote a first message that just said "Hi" or "How are you?". But I used various types of messages for my first emails. It had little impact on my positive reply rate. When I got more emails, it was often after I added new and better pictures of myself. I would simply avoid using emails that are too aggressive (such as asking a woman right away) or crude (sexual content).
 Nathan38416
Joined: 11/18/2017
Msg: 11
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What makes a good first message?
Posted: 9/12/2018 2:09:02 AM

One that shows you give a crap and are actually interested in her.
From personal experience guys would mainly do short messages to me because they pretty much want sex and don't give a damn. I'd be more likely to respond to longer ones providing I was into the guys' looks and profile info. Sometimes I did reply to longer ones because I felt an obligation because they put such effort in and obviously actually cared. Even though I wasn't really intent on anything romantic with the guy.
Absolutely no guilt ignoring short messages, even from guys who's profile seemed fine. Short message = probably mainly wanting sex and basically a waste of my time. Only worth it for entertainment, literally only reason I messaged short msg guys. Knew they wouldn't be able to keep convo going and it would go stale.


Alright then, using your profile as an example. It's got some stuff on there I can use to strike up a conversation. Tell me how I get on. This is the type of message I would normally send. I'd start with the last topic mentioned first to show that I actually read the profile.

''You're into psychology, that's pretty cool. Is that something you've always wanted to do as a career or did you just fall into it and never looked back? It's always fascinated me, but I had no idea there was so many types of psychology. Out of all them what kind of psychology would you like to specialise in?

This isn't as good as yours, but I had a goldfish when I was younger. Your fish are probably way more expensive than mine was though. In a nutshell how many do you have? Are they hard to look after?

Oh and who would win in a fight between an Alien, a Predator or Rambo?

If you'd like to talk and get to know each other, feel free to say hi. You seem pretty cool and I'd like to know more about you. If not I hope you find what you're looking for and I hope you have a great day / night.''

That's it. That's pretty much what I'd send. Unfortunately a lot of the profiles I see are from the same people and they're not quite as detailed as yours which makes it hard to message them.

Is that the kind of message women like to receive? Is it too long or not long enough? Am I doing something wrong with this approach or is it actually okay?
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 12
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What makes a good first message?
Posted: 9/12/2018 10:14:23 AM
I think you have the right idea. I think you just have to keep plugging away. Its exactly like fishing. You keep casting out your line (sending your messages) and hoping for a nibble (a reply back) and when you feel that nibble, you have to give your rod a tug to catch the hook onto the fish (say something that gets them to keep into the conversation) but sometimes the tug does the opposite and scares the fish away and sometimes they manage to get off the hook while you are trying to real them in. Sometimes you can fish for hours and not get a single nibble but some days you get 20 bites in the course of an afternoon. It all depends if the girl is looking for food (a guy) or if there's lines with better bait trying to catch her.

50% of the time that I go on POF, I just go to glance at the messages and waste some time and I'll respond to one or two guys just for someone to talk to. Say I have 10 messages sitting in my inbox. I'll like something about a the first message or I'll like the contents of a profile and I'll message them back. Of course I'll check out the profiles of the guys I most like the main pics of.
 SiennaBear2
Joined: 12/2/2017
Msg: 13
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What makes a good first message?
Posted: 9/12/2018 11:02:03 AM
That's a great first message!! Well that's my opinion anyway if you had sent that to me lol. Personally I like it but some women may think it's too long. Requires increasing effort for women to reply per question or topic you mention so best to stick to a few questions or specific topics. Oh how are they from the same people? do you mean they are fake or just you already messaged them and there aren't many people in your area?
Ah yeah a lot of people are lazy, not gonna lie. They want results without putting in effort into their profile usually. Either that or they don't know how to write a profile.
 ssm508
Joined: 5/27/2018
Msg: 14
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What makes a good first message?
Posted: 9/12/2018 1:48:28 PM

You're into psychology, that's pretty cool. Is that something you've always wanted to do as a career or did you just fall into it and never looked back? It's always fascinated me, but I had no idea there was so many types of psychology. Out of all them what kind of psychology would you like to specialise in?


This paragraph is more than enough to write on an initial email. You already mentioned something on her profile and asked her a few questions. Adding extra paragraphs won't matter when she doesn't like your pictures or you don't exactly match a long list of rigid requirements.
 adventurejoe70
Joined: 3/1/2013
Msg: 15
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What makes a good first message?
Posted: 9/13/2018 2:59:14 PM
"It's not about getting as many responses as you can........it's important to get qualified responses, from somebody who actually likes your picture."

A wink perhaps? ;)
 sun_water
Joined: 5/26/2018
Msg: 16
What makes a good first message?
Posted: 9/15/2018 9:45:49 AM

Personally I like it but some women may think it's too long.

A long first message isn't a turn off. But it's not required either. Like another person said, just the first paragraph about psychology would be good. I would be okay with "How are you?" for the first message. At least, it's better than something vulgar. That being said, I would lose interest if/when the follow up messages were bland and short.
 captainkitty1
Joined: 6/7/2016
Msg: 17
What makes a good first message?
Posted: 9/23/2018 5:54:29 AM
I think your approach is spot on. It shows you read their profile. Asking a relevant question is great and would encourage some one to respond assuming that your profile interests them.
 Akitahun
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 18
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What makes a good first message?
Posted: 10/27/2018 2:44:37 AM
More than just "hi" LAZYYY!
 johnfromzelie
Joined: 3/8/2018
Msg: 19
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What makes a good first message?
Posted: 10/27/2018 8:45:33 AM

More than just "hi" LAZYYY!
receiving a message and never reading it or looking at their profile is lazy! would you prefer a cut and paste message that every other women received too? i keep the first message brief and wait for a response. kind of like meeting a stranger in real life, you don't tell your life story before the express interest in hearing it.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 20
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What makes a good first message?
Posted: 10/27/2018 10:48:37 AM
Here's my mode of thinking when I get a message:

1) Pic looks nice enough, not too ugly but not too attractive, so I'll look at the profile
2) It looks like he put effort into his profile which means he's more serious about finding a girlfriend and I like what he says in his profile so I reply to his message
3) After I reply to his initial message, he asks me something directly about my profile showing he actually read it so I will respond back

Note, timing plays into this too which you have no control over. Sometimes I'm bored and no one else is on and I'm looking for a conversation and the forums are inactive so I scan the pics of the guys that have sent me messages lately, see who is still online and shoot a couple of the online guys a message. Whichever guy I like better after the first convo I will try to keep talking to and the other I will say I'm not interested in or I will only talk minimally with just in case I want to keep him as a backup option, not burn a brdge so to say.
 PennyAnte
Joined: 4/17/2016
Msg: 21
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What makes a good first message?
Posted: 11/19/2018 2:54:18 PM
Keep it simple.. An introduction. A request to chat further. First message should be brief. Don't waste time writing too much. If a woman is interested she will respond. Most won't if there is nothing about you that sparks their interest. Be yourself and KEEP IT SIMPLE> Some bad advice here. Search "no replies" most men regret all the time and effort they put into first messages only to be ignored. Your message is off putting. A woman that has no interest does not want to be quizzed with 20 questions. Let conversations happen more organically not so contrived by asking way to many questions. Not good and more often than not a complete waste of time.

This topic is done to death. Do a thread search. Enter "first message as your key words." You will find hundreds of threads with this redundant topic.
HERE: https://forums.plentyoffish.com/search.aspx

"From personal experience guys would mainly do short messages to me because they pretty much want sex and don't give a damn"
Not true and not a good mindset for online dating. Any man that contacts you probably can imagine and would desire sex from you. Even the men that want marriage. What do you think they want on the wedding night? To do crossword puzzles? I think you are shooting yourself in the foot.
 Tech30
Joined: 8/11/2017
Msg: 22
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What makes a good first message?
Posted: 11/27/2018 10:46:12 AM
Keep it short . Ask her an open ended question.

Remove all your pictures except the second last one .

Always keep that neck beard shaved.
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