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 johnfromzelie
Joined: 3/8/2018
Msg: 1
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wants to date or relationship?Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I have read comments on here that 'wants to date/nothing serious' is viewed as hookups or players. is this how it is perceived? I had assumed the no commitment category covered that. maybe a better question would be what category should I use? in the past, many of my dates wanted to become way too serious after a date or two. for that reason, I have dating. while my end goal would be a live in partner, that is not happening after a few dates! I would like to date a few women (one at a time) and hopefully meet one I liked. have a committed relationship but not move her, her kids and pets in, not pay her bills or be insta-daddy. something similar to before OLD existed. you ask a girl out=not seeking a commitment, a second date=casual dating, after several dates it may or may not move to=relationship and AFTER all of those=looking to marry. the last one, looking to marry may never happen but would like to go threw the first three IN THAT ORDER. knowing that I wont be moving her in within the first year, would it be misleading to change mine to relationship?
 Seahorse_Jockey
Joined: 8/24/2018
Msg: 2
wants to date or relationship?
Posted: 9/22/2018 12:55:23 PM
This is along the infamous line "What are you looking for?" Are people suppose to go on dates with a checklist on a clipboard, and tick a pass or fail for specific qualities on the list, and treat a date like a job interview, with a passing or failing grade? Everything must be a snap judgement, and there's no room for the intangible feelings when meeting someone, that can't be graded on a score card. Someone might think they find the One on the first date, with the first person they meet. Others might go on a 100 dates with 100 different people, and feel they haven't found the One. Is there any right or wrong in either case? People are looking for a standard, no-fail system in the dating world-one size fits all, and will never find it. The biggest problem in the dating and mating game is humans are dealing with humans.

Almost everybody gets married at some point in their lives. Does that mean everybody waited around until the One-Mr./Miss Total Perfection- comes strolling into their lives to be their future spouse? If people are certain they found the One-their knight in shining armor or their Cinderella-why do about half of marriages end in divorce (and in some cases, multiple divorces)?
 mahwahgirl339114
Joined: 10/31/2017
Msg: 3
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wants to date or relationship?
Posted: 9/22/2018 1:31:25 PM

I have read comments on here that 'wants to date/nothing serious' is viewed as hookups or players. is this how it is perceived?

Yes.

while my end goal would be a live in partner, that is not happening after a few dates!

None of the POF choices of what you are looking for include moving in after a few dates.

I wont be moving her in within the first year

And who said she wants to move in with you. Her own house may be a lot nicer.
 johnfromzelie
Joined: 3/8/2018
Msg: 4
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wants to date or relationship?
Posted: 9/22/2018 2:32:36 PM
while it was a few years ago, my past experience has been most of the women looking for serious or long term would skip right past the dating and instantly into planning 'our' future. always got the impression that they already had a future planned and just needed a guy (any guy) to fill the position. my last date wanted to move in after just one night! my track record shows commitment isn't the issue, if anything, I should bail sooner. just want to date until I find the right one, then slowly develop into more. not pick a victim and plan the wedding.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 5
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Posted: 9/22/2018 4:09:52 PM

my past experience has been most of the women looking for serious or long term would skip right past the dating and instantly into planning 'our' future.


the one common denominator in all these women.....is you.
either pick different women.....or change the vibe you are giving out...
 curvylady1965
Joined: 12/31/2017
Msg: 6
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wants to date or relationship?
Posted: 9/22/2018 4:56:19 PM
John, to me it comes down to POF needing to have more categories. But in the absence of more categories, I would add the details to your profile about what you are looking for. I think everyone reads those categories a little differently. I tend to read anything other than looking for a relationship or someone to marry as just wanting something casual with no commitment and no chance of commitment but that is just me. I also don't understand the whole wanting to date thing without pursuing a relationship, but again, that is MY bias. Were the women who wanted to move in right away younger (as in significantly)? Speaking only for myself, there is a great deal of difference between what I might have wanted in my 30s versus on the verge of 53.
 cutenerd1866
Joined: 7/27/2018
Msg: 7
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wants to date or relationship?
Posted: 9/22/2018 5:48:28 PM

'wants to date/nothing serious'


I interpreted this as not interested in a relationship, at all, ever. Unless stated otherwise on his profile that he'd be open to it with the right person, but even then I would be skeptical. This is just casual dating, no commitment.


you ask a girl out=not seeking a commitment, a second date=casual dating, after several dates it may or may not move to=relationship and AFTER all of those=looking to marry. the last one, looking to marry may never happen but would like to go threw the first three IN THAT ORDER


I interpret that as looking for a relationship. You're not going to run headlong into one, but you're open to the idea of it if things progress to that level with someone. That also sounds like the normal progression of things, and not unrealistic at all. It sounds like the women you've dated are crazy, IMO.
 johnfromzelie
Joined: 3/8/2018
Msg: 8
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Posted: 9/22/2018 7:57:43 PM

It sounds like the women you've dated are crazy, IMO.
every last one of them! some even claim I drove them there. I just attract the mentally unstable. I have joked for years that they passed out my business cards to the patients at the loony bin because the people I have hired are much worse than the women. well if they were crazy or i just make bad choices, it isn't working. picked 'casual' hoping to avoid the instant relationship but the last 3 dates all hinted at moving in. all 3 were batshit crazy too! how does one find a "normal" person to date?
 mahwahgirl339114
Joined: 10/31/2017
Msg: 9
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wants to date or relationship?
Posted: 9/22/2018 10:09:21 PM

I interpreted this as not interested in a relationship, at all, ever. Unless stated otherwise on his profile that he'd be open to it with the right person, but even then I would be skeptical. This is just casual dating, no commitment.

Exactly... "Nothing serious" - serious people click next.
 captainkitty1
Joined: 6/7/2016
Msg: 10
wants to date or relationship?
Posted: 9/23/2018 5:01:04 AM
It's up to you which box you check, but I would make it known either in your profile or when you start talking to some one that you would like to take your time getting to know some one.
 PollyR107
Joined: 4/8/2016
Msg: 11
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Posted: 9/23/2018 9:02:31 AM
I may be different from other posters on here.

I think POF should have only 2 options: not looking for commitment and looking for a relationship. This reduces confusion. Maybe because I’m dyslexic but I don’t see much different between looking for a relationship and actively seeking a relationship. Or wanting to date but nothing serious means a number of different things to different people, it could mean hooking up, testing the waters, just came out of a long term relationship etc. Because everyone on a dating site is presumably looking to date (except scammers, lol) but their ultimate goal out of dating may or may not be to have a long term relationship. Some just want to have fun with no strings attached. It’s just the matter of finding the one looking for the same thing as you do.

And it should be universally understood that no one will be able to tell if their date has potential to become a long term partner on a first date/meet or even within the first 6 months of dating . If anyone shows signs of wanting to be serious soon after dating me, I’ll run for the hills.
 johnfromzelie
Joined: 3/8/2018
Msg: 12
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Posted: 9/23/2018 9:25:01 AM

And it should be universally understood that no one will be able to tell if their date has potential to become a long term partner on a first date/meet or even within the first 6 months of dating . If anyone shows signs of wanting to be serious soon after dating me, I’ll run for the hills.
problem is most of my dates do! not some, not a couple but nearly 90%! the other 10% were the extreme opposite. I did change mine to 'relationship' but haven't found a tactful way to add anything to my profile.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 13
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wants to date or relationship?
Posted: 9/23/2018 3:17:20 PM

I have read comments on here that 'wants to date/nothing serious' is viewed as hookups or players. is this how it is perceived? I had assumed the no commitment category covered that.

I agree. Or Friends in the other selection, if their profile doesn't spell out they're wholesome and are just using the dating website to expand their social life and to meet friends, and/or playing the friends-first game.

maybe a better question would be what category should I use? in the past, many of my dates wanted to become way too serious after a date or two. for that reason, I have dating. while my end goal would be a live in partner, that is not happening after a few dates!

The categories are problematic. They do need to change that. But the main thing is having ONLY 1 selection. OKC has multiple selections, which is what every site should do with categories. I think those who are content being single, there's a high liklihood they'll be open to "just dating" with some, and "serious dating" with others... and open to "just hooking up" with others, while also being open to being "friends with the possible option to date", for the select few if the timing's right.


'wants to date/nothing serious'
I interpreted this as not interested in a relationship, at all, ever. Unless stated otherwise on his profile that he'd be open to it with the right person, but even then I would be skeptical. This is just casual dating, no commitment.

But wouldn't they be selecting the no-commitment category if that's the case? Or are ya just saying it mine as well be the same, and they're picking something that just sounds better "just dating / nothing serious"?

I don't think just-dating/nothing-serious would imply hookups-only, by default. I've gone out on dates with gals who selected that -- usually when they're on the rebound and not ready for a relationship. Doesn't imply they're easy. In fact, a few were wanting To be serious after just a few dates. And even recognized what they selected, but, rightfully point out -- it depends on who they're with and how well they click. Hence, back to my original point: Multiple selections should be warranted. Because really, it's more about what one's NOT looking for, IMO.

you ask a girl out=not seeking a commitment, a second date=casual dating, after several dates it may or may not move to=relationship and AFTER all of those=looking to marry.

True, but I would say the view isn't in-the-now/right-now, but more zooming out and looking at where you're open to go to. Or in this case with the unfortunate 1-selection-only, what is THE avenue you're aiming toward?

I can ask a girl out and be Really into her... where how I estimate how she is, yeah, I want to play my cards toward a Relationship... where another gal, if/when I have no plans, I could be open to asking her out who isn't Wow to me in looks+persona off the bat... but, she'd make nice company (and ya never know, but not thinking about it).
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 14
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wants to date or relationship?
Posted: 9/23/2018 3:57:35 PM
Hey John,
I can only speak from personal experience.
When I first joined OLD, back in 2010, I quickly learned "what to do / what to say", and "What NOT to say or do."
My desire was to find a man, nearish to me to BE in a LTR. I made no apologies.

I'm not crazy, not nuts and certainly was not desperate. I have said many times if I want to travel TO, let's say Pittsburgh, Pa, I buy a ticket / or drive TO Pittsburgh. No other destination. Now with that said, I could drive straight thru for 7 hours, or I could crawl ……………..taking a very long time to get there...………..my destination remains the same.

The man who has been in my life for 4 years, also desired a LTR. JUST because we were open about our intentions does not mean either of us was in a hurry...………………..to get to "Pittsburgh"...…………….but we definitely traveled the same route, towards the same destination.

My advice?
Be upfront with your "destination", and be open to ways you can change you. From what you say, you seem to attract the needy and desperate. There is a reason "birds of a feather, flock together".

Just my 2 cents worth
 johnfromzelie
Joined: 3/8/2018
Msg: 15
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Posted: 9/23/2018 5:31:44 PM

The man who has been in my life for 4 years, also desired a LTR. JUST because we were open about our intentions does not mean either of us was in a hurry...………………..to get to "Pittsburgh"...…………….but we definitely traveled the same route, towards the same destination.
not in a hurry with each other, or not in a hurry to "find" each other? was vehicle shopping in the spring. after 12 years in an suv, I was looking at switching that up. test drove dozens before making a selection and had the first been ideal, I would of still looked at a few others. my destination was to 'buy' a vehicle but wanted the one that was best for me. I have no intentions of falling in love with the first girl I meet but that is the desired end result.
From what you say, you seem to attract the needy and desperate. There is a reason "birds of a feather, flock together".
yes, I hear that, along with 'me' being the one making bad decisions and the only constant in all my relationships is me. does that mean a am doomed to a life with needy women or is there an obvious solution that I just cant see?
 johnfromzelie
Joined: 3/8/2018
Msg: 16
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Posted: 9/23/2018 5:44:50 PM

I think those who are content being single, there's a high liklihood they'll be open to "just dating" with some, and "serious dating" with others... and open to "just hooking up" with others, while also being open to being "friends with the possible option to date", for the select few if the timing's right.
EXACTLY!! until we meet, don't know how I will play my cards or just fold. I know the general direction I hope for, more than casual but hold off on the wedding plans.
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 17
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wants to date or relationship?
Posted: 9/24/2018 4:50:37 AM
Instead of dating or long term they should have speeds - hot.......fast............medium speed............slow............dead!

I'll take medium with some mustard please!
 captainkitty1
Joined: 6/7/2016
Msg: 18
wants to date or relationship?
Posted: 9/24/2018 5:25:29 AM
Op, you have legitimate concernes about not wanting to jump into a relationship based on your past, but seems as though you are afraid of expressing that and asserting your self..Why? If it turns some women off, that's probably a good thing!
 johnfromzelie
Joined: 3/8/2018
Msg: 19
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Posted: 9/24/2018 7:01:31 AM

Op, you have legitimate concernes about not wanting to jump into a relationship based on your past, but seems as though you are afraid of expressing that and asserting your self..Why? If it turns some women off, that's probably a good thing!
that is the reason for the post. as others stated, casual=NO COMMITMENT and that isn't really what I want. I want to date with the possibility of commitment but that means a possibility that I wont be interested. it is not fear of commitment, it is fear of committing to the wrong one. if I went on a date with a different woman every week but didn't click with any of them, does that make me a player? time and time again, the women I date fall in love after a date or two. ego boost? not hardly! many of the profiles I view lean very heavy on the commitment part and some scream "replacement husband needed". I swipe past most because of this. how does one express looking for long term but not all applicants will qualify.
 captainkitty1
Joined: 6/7/2016
Msg: 20
wants to date or relationship?
Posted: 9/24/2018 7:10:42 AM
It's up to you to make your boundaries clear up front, even if you are feeling connected with some one immediately. Its none of my business, but from experience, becoming intimate too quickly may be a big factor in things
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 21
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Posted: 9/24/2018 2:27:03 PM
Hey John,
To answer the questions you asked of me.

"Not in a hurry", all the way around.
BF was single for 10 years following his divorce. I was the 2nd woman he met, after only a month or so on an OLD site.

I was single for 8 years following my divorce. He was man #151 in approx. 4 years of using OLD.
Although, we meshed well together very quickly, (Communicating, agreeing, compromising), we did not rush or hurry the, "Getting to know you," phase.
Neither of us are pushy, needy, insecure, looking to fix...………..or be fixed.

John, I do not know you, so please excuse my questions for you, IF they do not apply.

IF women seem to fall in love with you, over night...………
Are you overly nice? Do you aim to please? Do you offer to help?, Do you find it difficult to say, "No"?

Do you appear to be, "The knight in shining armor"?
 spot4username
Joined: 12/15/2015
Msg: 22
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Posted: 9/24/2018 2:43:15 PM

johnfromzelie


time and time again, the women I date fall in love after a date or two. ego boost?

How many dates have you been on? I mean you just started posting in these forums and your very first post stated that you had been engaged for like six years? Are you referring to dates prior to your engagement?
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 23
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Posted: 9/24/2018 2:45:23 PM

It's up to you to make your boundaries clear up front, even if you are feeling connected with some one immediately. Its none of my business, but from experience, becoming intimate too quickly may be a big factor in things

I think his position is Mainstream, so no need to make things weird by shouting it on his profile - lol. You don't commit by going out on a couple dates with someone. You're not an item (yet?). The mainstream way is that after going out on a handful or so of dates in 4-6 weeks with someone, you two clicking the whole time, one brings up the notion not to be seeing anyone else. If one wants that to be right after a Good 1st Date and only that -- they're the ones who need to announce that non-mainstream road they demand to follow. But, to be fair, after the 1st date is done -- no need on a profile. However, it'd kill the mood after a 1st date to text/call someone on that... unless they're saying it to the person who's super-clearly ga-ga about them.

IF women seem to fall in love with you, over night...………
Are you overly nice? Do you aim to please? Do you offer to help?, Do you find it difficult to say, "No"?

I was thinking the same thing. Fall in love/crush after 1 date as the regular thing is kind of odd. I think it'd take going after girls (or guys) Significantly "lower" on the looks totem pole... but I just believe it's more like "They really like me and want to see me again and are expressive about it."

And for us guys, well, no, we don't say "No" when it comes to the bedroom. ;)
 johnfromzelie
Joined: 3/8/2018
Msg: 24
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Posted: 9/24/2018 7:01:45 PM

IF women seem to fall in love with you, over night...………
Are you overly nice? Do you aim to please? Do you offer to help?, Do you find it difficult to say, "No"?

Do you appear to be, "The knight in shining armor"?
at times, yes to all. maybe not overly nice but decent and respectful. I aim to please but have limits, I will usually help anyone in need but well aware of the difference from using people, anyone asking for help ON A DATE is not getting it! not that I wouldn't help, but it changes the dynamics. I have two theories on why, in addition to being the chump. either most of the other men are total losers and I am the only semi normal guy they met, or they are in love with the idea of being in love and take any willing participant. there is no arrogance in my statement of women falling in love overnight. I am fully aware that they cant possibly love me that fast and never thought I was gods gift to women. the problem is they want relationships without ever knowing my qualities or faults.
 johnfromzelie
Joined: 3/8/2018
Msg: 25
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Posted: 9/24/2018 7:08:39 PM

How many dates have you been on? I mean you just started posting in these forums and your very first post stated that you had been engaged for like six years? Are you referring to dates prior to your engagement?
yes, over 6 years ago. I have only went on 3 dates since ending it and 2 mentioned moving in on the first date! the third didn't ask but the writing was on the wall. you failed to include the not hardly part when quoting me, it is far from an ego boost and actually fairly depressing to keep picking hopeless people.
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