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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Together for 10+ years and still no cohabitation...cause for concern?      Home login  
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 siisaa
Joined: 8/6/2017
Msg: 1
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Together for 10+ years and still no cohabitation...cause for concern? Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Hello all. I just got off the phone with my dad who was in a 10-year relationship with a woman. They recently broke up. In those 10 years, his ex-girlfriend never wanted to move in with him. He owns his own home. In fact she lived alone in 3 separate apartments during their relationship. They also live in L.A., where the cost of living is very high so they were both shelling out a lot in expenses instead of shacking up to help offset mortgage/rent & bills.

My dad claims it's her lack of commitment/seriousness towards him that caused the demise of their relationship. He asked her repeatedly to move in with him and she refused. What I wanted to tell him was it sounded like she was seeing other people, or at least wanted to keep that option open. I decided to keep that to myself to spare his feelings and he's a 56-year-old man with plenty more life experience than I. I'm pretty sure that's already crossed his mind.

Thoughts? What would keep you from co-habitating 10 years into a relationship? Would this be a cause for concern for you if your SO refused to move in & you were both in a LTR?
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 2
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Together for 10+ years and still no cohabitation...cause for concern?
Posted: 9/25/2018 7:48:13 PM
Well....as a 55 year old woman that is in an over 3 year relationship with a 61 year old man....
we have no desire to take our relationship to the "living together" stage...
A bit different as we both own our own homes outright...and neither of us have any issues financially....

For me....I still work a lot of hours....and just have no desire to be sociable every night of the week...
and even though he is retired....he feels the same way...
we both really.....really....enjoy our alone time to be willing to give it up ...... yet.
I know myself too well....I can't live with a man and not feel the need to "take care" of him...
and I just don't have the time or energy to want to do that right now...
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 3
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Together for 10+ years and still no cohabitation...cause for concern?
Posted: 9/25/2018 7:56:27 PM
Well it would depend on her actions during this time. Did he see red flags or things that would raise a concern with him?
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 4
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Together for 10+ years and still no cohabitation...cause for concern?
Posted: 9/25/2018 9:11:57 PM
I agree with both of the previous answers. As MsMicki was talking about, sometimes people just want to preserve a little bit of their own identity, freedom, individuality, their own space, some alone time. I believe that 2 people can truly be in love, be a dedicated couple, and not have to live together. It just all depends on the two people involved.

And as cooldog asked, “red flags”? If she were not being monogamous, I suspect there would have been a lot of signs. Having been in that position, more than once, I can definitively state that there are very obvious signs if one is willing to see them.
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 5
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Together for 10+ years and still no cohabitation...cause for concern?
Posted: 9/25/2018 10:35:28 PM
Cohabitation is not a requirement for love.............there are married couples who live apart and only see each other once a week for a date. While it may not be the norm, it's fully within the bounds of a healthy relationship.

Living separately can have a huge advantage.........when you shoe-horn two people into a home everyday, it takes work to relate that much and can get tiresome, and even lead to strife sometimes.

But living apart has one huge advantage - it gives people more healthy space.

Actually, your dad might be the problem - closed-minded or controlling. Just sayin'.

A relationship at it's core, is a continuing series of dates.
 siisaa
Joined: 8/6/2017
Msg: 6
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Together for 10+ years and still no cohabitation...cause for concern?
Posted: 9/26/2018 1:47:42 AM
I definitely think she was not fully committed to my dad, she was much younger and had 3 abortions in the 10-year period they were a couple. Now I think at least one of those babies may not have been his.

My father has always been a serial monogamist and would not throw in the towel unless he was 100% without-a-doubt certain the relationship was NOT worth saving.
 SiennaBear2
Joined: 12/2/2017
Msg: 7
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Together for 10+ years and still no cohabitation...cause for concern?
Posted: 9/26/2018 2:03:43 AM
Why did they break up?
Maybe she felt it would be too full on living together
 flowersinthelake
Joined: 5/11/2018
Msg: 8
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Together for 10+ years and still no cohabitation...cause for concern?
Posted: 9/26/2018 3:45:17 AM
Those abortions could be the result of why she didn't see him as father material, but they are not why she is non-committing and those don't explain much of anything else. All that is required to choose an abortion is that the pregnant person doesn't want to be pregnant. None or all of those pregnancies could have been created by your dad, but they don't explain anything other than her unwillingness to continue those pregnancies. I don't see how those private medical choices have anything to do with problems already ever-present in the relationship.

It could be that if she's much younger, she didn't want to be saddled the responsibilities of being with a much older gentleman. The prospect of being a nurse to a much older man is a daunting thought for plenty of younger women who have relationships with them. She may have found somebody closer to her age or she might just like her own space to do what she wants. She may have felt stifled in his world. Who knows.

He knows the truth and his life experience should have already given him of glimpse of much larger picture of the problem than narrowly his purview of the relationship. This is not an indictment on your father's character or behavior, but if this is the end of the relationship which seems has gone years beyond its end, I hope he takes some time to recoil before he jumps right into another one. He can afford to spend some time by himself, to work on things.

The only time I would be in a LTR relationship with a living situation like that is if I agreed to it. Even then, I could back out of it at any time. I would not wait a decade to find out if somebody is into me. I don't lie to myself.
 johnfromzelie
Joined: 3/8/2018
Msg: 9
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Together for 10+ years and still no cohabitation...cause for concern?
Posted: 9/26/2018 7:43:48 AM
after 10 years and still just dating? not close enough to be 'family'. sounds more like teenagers going steady. this was part of the problem with my last ltr. I have seen people move in within a month and others wait several years but after that long, boundries are clear. 'your only getting this close, not an inch more'! I do get the value of their own space and can think of several scenerios where separate homes would be better but eventually, would want to share our lives, not just a scheduled portion of it.
 Tech30
Joined: 8/11/2017
Msg: 10
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Together for 10+ years and still no cohabitation...cause for concern?
Posted: 9/26/2018 7:47:12 AM
I think thats common for that age. My moms friend is in her 60s and she doesnt want to move in with her boyfriend. She enjoys living alone . I can understand that completely. She already did the family thing .
 2ufo
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 11
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Together for 10+ years and still no cohabitation...cause for concern?
Posted: 9/26/2018 10:06:13 AM

I definitely think …


Your thoughts are unimportant in this situation.
You can think as highly or lowly of her as you wish.
However, if you denigrate her then you are criticizing your father's choice of the past decade.
You are condemning his choice.
You may be right, you may be wrong... but you are intruding in something that really is not your concern.

Think what you want but don't disparage her verbally.
 siisaa
Joined: 8/6/2017
Msg: 12
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Together for 10+ years and still no cohabitation...cause for concern?
Posted: 9/26/2018 10:56:09 AM

Your thoughts are unimportant in this situation.
You can think as highly or lowly of her as you wish.
However, if you denigrate her then you are criticizing your father's choice of the past decade.
You are condemning his choice.
You may be right, you may be wrong... but you are intruding in something that really is not your concern.

Think what you want but don't disparage her verbally.


I can have any thoughts I want in the matter - whether they be founded or unfounded. When someone confides in me about something, I am going to form an opinion. Your post wasn't even relevant to the topic at hand. If we all kept our opinions and thoughts about relationships and other people's relationships to ourselves, this forum wouldn't even exist.

How am I "intruding" when my father called & confided in ME about this? He lives 1,100 miles away from me thus we rarely see each-other. There is no "intrusion"...what are you even talking about?

"Disparage her verbally"? Do you go into the other countless threads on this forum where posters are critical of others' behavior at tell them not to "disparage ____" too?



I think thats common for that age. My moms friend is in her 60s and she doesnt want to move in with her boyfriend. She already did the family thing .


That would be truer if the woman was older but she is not. I made mention of that already. She is closer to my age.



Why did they break up?


From what I gathered, they broke up because of her non-committal approach and lack of investment towards him. Of course I am only getting his side of the story but there might have been something about my dad that she saw (or didn't see) that prevented her from being more serious about him.
 2ufo
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 13
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Together for 10+ years and still no cohabitation...cause for concern?
Posted: 9/26/2018 11:02:42 AM

"Disparage her verbally"? Do you go into the other countless threads on this forum where posters are critical of others' behavior at tell them not to "disparage ____" too?


Good point.
However, they (and probably me too) are being critical and unkind to relative strangers.
This is your father you are talking about.
The woman you are claiming had 3 abortions and you don't think they were all his... well, she was his choice and, no matter what happens, I'm sure he has some good memories of her in that decade.

I meant my words as a warning rather than any disparagement.
 backcreek7
Joined: 12/2/2014
Msg: 14
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Together for 10+ years and still no cohabitation...cause for concern?
Posted: 9/26/2018 11:22:37 AM

he asked her repeatedly to move in with him


^^^ This could be the very reason, she broke up with him. I can speak for myself only but, once I roughly reached the
the age of around 50 years old ~ I knew I would NEVER live with another, no matter how much I loved them. Of course, if I had been in an LTR and living with someone, I would never leave.

...... In addition, I would never " cheat " on my woman, no matter what. If things got so bad, I felt the desire or need to - then I would move out, get divorced, separate > whatever. I feel, men or women who cheat on their spouses are not strong individuals, nor decent people. For someone to betray committed love, shows what they are really like ~ and it is not good.

...... So ~ In my eyes, NOT co-habiting is the way to go. This allows each to retain a certain " freedom " so to speak, while still enjoying the exclusiveness , of a good relationship.

...... Hope the very best for your dad siisaa ! Tell him to hang in there, the pain will diminish as time goes by. Not only that but ~ life is often known for temporary disappointments, which turn into exciting new situations & opportunities.

..... heart / sun
 backcreek7
Joined: 12/2/2014
Msg: 15
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Together for 10+ years and still no cohabitation...cause for concern?
Posted: 9/26/2018 11:37:50 AM

3 abortions?


^^^ Did he / she / they ~ not believe in " birth control " ...

Geezy Peezy !! Why kill a baby, when you can prevent having one ?

( & believe me ~ I support a womens right to abortion - 100 % ~ but that ^^^ seems a bit ridiculous)
 ontheotherhand
Joined: 6/24/2018
Msg: 16
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Together for 10+ years and still no cohabitation...cause for concern?
Posted: 9/26/2018 11:41:48 AM
I've known for years that I cannot live with another person. Despite all we hear about women trying to change her man, but men hoping the woman doesn't change, that hasn't been my experience. I just don't have the patience to deal with it anymore. I can care about someone and think he's wonderful, but not live with them. Maybe she's the same?
 siisaa
Joined: 8/6/2017
Msg: 17
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Together for 10+ years and still no cohabitation...cause for concern?
Posted: 9/26/2018 11:55:47 AM

...... Hope the very best for your dad siisaa ! Tell him to hang in there, the pain will diminish as time goes by. Not only that but ~ life is often known for temporary disappointments, which turn into exciting new situations & opportunities.


Thank you :) Yes he is pretty torn up about it but knowing him, he'll be in another relationship in a few months. It's sad though because he told me a few years ago, "I want this to be my last relationship." :(

Re: 3 abortions. Apparently his ex is Catholic & doesn't believe in birth control. My dad has made some pretty suspect choices too in regards to contraceptives because I have a younger sister by his second wife. The 2nd wife told my father she was taking her pills but ended up pregnant.
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 18
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Together for 10+ years and still no cohabitation...cause for concern?
Posted: 9/26/2018 12:48:53 PM
I can only guess...………...with this scenario.
For me...……... LAT is my choice.

The longest I have lived with a man under the same roof, was 8 years. I learned years later, in marriage counseling he was mad at me the whole time because I didn't make room for his dresser IN my closet when he first moved in with me.
I made room in my big dresser for him but that didn't count. I made room for his hanging clothes in the closet but didn't clear 1/2 of the floor space.
I was dumbfounded! LOL Who knew?

I was an only child for 12 years before my brother was born. I was gone by the time he was 4. I went to boarding school and had a dorm room to myself.
BF was the oldest of 5, with 4 younger sisters. Active duty Navy aboard aircraft carrier. (That's a lot of roommates!)

I live with my daughter and her husband. It helps them. I have my own space. BF lives with his son. It works for them. He has his own space.
I don't fault anyone for , living alone. / away from the SO.
Most often we choose to live / eat / sleep / in the type of environment we were accustomed to.

My commitment to our relationship is no less than my commitment to a husband. Fact is, we like things as they are.
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 19
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Together for 10+ years and still no cohabitation...cause for concern?
Posted: 9/26/2018 1:30:17 PM
LAT = Living apart together? I like dat, so cute-cute!
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 20
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Together for 10+ years and still no cohabitation...cause for concern?
Posted: 9/26/2018 1:40:24 PM
LOL, Have you ever toured some old mansions? The higher one was on the socio-economic ladder the more likely the husband and wife had separate bedrooms / separate living spaces...………………..oh and let's not forget a few maids and a cook or two.
Does this imply they were less married?

My answer to your question, siisaa, is no, but that is just my personal opinion.
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 21
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Together for 10+ years and still no cohabitation...cause for concern?
Posted: 9/26/2018 5:23:57 PM
I thought also that she is seeing other people. I think she has a whole other life going on....Does not want to commit to moving in with your father. She would become the domestic drudge possibly and soon taken for granted.
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 22
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Together for 10+ years and still no cohabitation...cause for concern?
Posted: 9/26/2018 5:26:19 PM
with the marriages of the wealthy the woman was often chosen to marry to provide the heir and brought some assets to the alliance and often not a love match at all. So lovers were taken by either or both partners. It was quite common and is....
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 26
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Together for 10+ years and still no cohabitation...cause for concern?
Posted: 9/26/2018 9:10:13 PM
"In those 10 years, his ex-girlfriend never wanted to move in with him. "

Why don't people listen/believe what their s/o is telling them?

Why do people believe that if they wait long enough, they can apply enough pressure to force the other person to change their mind?

Both men and women are equally guilty of not listening and/or figuring they can change the other persons mind about how they want to live their life.

If an s/o tells us they want something different than what we want, we need to accept what they want, or move on.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 1/17/2018
Msg: 27
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Together for 10+ years and still no cohabitation...cause for concern?
Posted: 9/27/2018 1:01:37 PM
If he kept asking and she kept saying no...what is the problem?
She was honest.
I think maybe he thought he would wear her down.

I have absolutely no desire to ever live with a significant other
again...so I totally get where she's coming from.

I think there is a thread here about LAT or LTA or whatever it's
called...people who maintain separate residences even though
in every other respect they are committed to each other.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 28
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Together for 10+ years and still no cohabitation...cause for concern?
Posted: 9/27/2018 3:37:00 PM

Re: 3 abortions. Apparently his ex is Catholic & doesn't believe in birth control. My dad has made some pretty suspect choices too in regards to contraceptives because I have a younger sister by his second wife. The 2nd wife told my father she was taking her pills but ended up pregnant.


Um, abortions are way worse ethically than birth control pills...I actually heard that from my grandma's first cousin who is a nun. And most Catholic women in the last 40 years, even the strict ones, have partaked in bc pills. Why did this woman get an abortion? Did she not want to be a mother or did your father not want these babies? I think if she secretly wanted to be a mother, his unwillingness, whether outright or implied, may have been why she didn't want to commit. Or if he was willing to be a father to a baby with her but she didn't see him as a good father for her children, that could be another major reason.

Another question could be: Did she previously live with someone who was awful to live with? I myself lived with someone who was awful to live with and I am going to be extra careful about living with someone else if the possibility comes up.
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