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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Ok so I'm popular but can't get dates. Why??????????      Home login  
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 LovelyinQueens
Joined: 1/26/2014
Msg: 1
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Ok so I'm popular but can't get dates. Why??????????Page 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Ok, so wtf..... I've been on and off this site for a few years. I've had my profile reviewed, changed my pics, changed the message etc. It really doesn't matter nobody is looking at the words. I get numerous emails a day. According to POF I'm very popular. I'm educated and sincerely want a relationship. I'm social and know how to respectfully flirt and have fun. I'm not mean or nasty.

But, my point is as great as all that sounds, I am not getting many dates. It's either people message me 1 word, they repeat the same, "how are you" phrase, or you start a conversation and they:
1. Never ask you out
2. Ghost you.
Or
3. Become sexual when messaging
And then the problems continue once you meet and there's chemistry.... lol I'll save that for another day.

Anyway, since I really do want a relationship. I have concluded it is a numbers game. Therefore, I NEED MORE DATES! Lol. Please spare me the profile review that's already been done. I change it often to get more popular, and hey it works because I am lol. So what can I do now?
 MeramecRiverRat
Joined: 10/12/2017
Msg: 2
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Ok so I'm popular but can't get dates. Why??????????
Posted: 9/26/2018 1:40:30 PM
You should ask them out and you should pay for the dates.

How do you measure popularity?
 fullmoonguy2
Joined: 6/14/2017
Msg: 3
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Ok so I'm popular but can't get dates. Why??????????
Posted: 9/26/2018 1:55:46 PM

Ok so I'm popular but can't get dates. Why??????????
Message: Ok, so wtf..... I've been on and off this site for a few years. I've had my profile reviewed, changed my pics, changed the message etc. It really doesn't matter nobody is looking at the words. . ......... I'm educated and sincerely want a relationship. I'm social and know how to respectfully flirt and have fun. I'm not mean or nasty.

But, my point is as great as all that sounds, I am not getting many dates.


Welcome to GuyWorld.


So what can I do now?


1) Eat a donut.
2) Stop smoking.
3) Take the initiative and message guys who YOU think seem interesting.
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 4
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Ok so I'm popular but can't get dates. Why??????????
Posted: 9/26/2018 2:02:12 PM
I believe the OP was referring to the "system" behind the scenes of the OLD site. I used to be very popular my self!

Now OP I wish I had an answer for you. My observations over the past few years tell me people are more isolated and reserved. Thanks to modern technology. My only advice. Become more proactive, Be more assertive. and use different OLD sites, in addition to POF. Good luck!
 LovelyinQueens
Joined: 1/26/2014
Msg: 5
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Ok so I'm popular but can't get dates. Why??????????
Posted: 9/26/2018 7:02:53 PM
[You should ask them out and you should pay for the dates.

How do you measure popularity?/]

I guess that means you have no clue lol.

Just for the record I have and POF has a popularity feature which shows every time you go on the site.
 LovelyinQueens
Joined: 1/26/2014
Msg: 6
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Ok so I'm popular but can't get dates. Why??????????
Posted: 9/26/2018 7:12:03 PM
Lol I'm not sure what the "system" behind the scenes means. But this is a feature. What I mean aside from that, is I get tons of emails.

I have tried the other approach. I am been very proactive, and most just disappear or they're perverts. I do agree that perhaps people are more isolated and reserved, however if they are going to move from messaging person to person without ever meeting what is the point? Online dating in general is becoming a joke.

I'm not saying I never go out but at this rate, I'll be on here for 10 years:(
 johnfromzelie
Joined: 3/8/2018
Msg: 7
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Ok so I'm popular but can't get dates. Why??????????
Posted: 9/26/2018 7:26:46 PM
many of us question the same! people respond, seem interested and poof, their gone. some will string you on for a while but very few actually meet. mostly pen pals!
 ssm508
Joined: 5/27/2018
Msg: 8
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Ok so I'm popular but can't get dates. Why??????????
Posted: 9/26/2018 7:47:02 PM

But, my point is as great as all that sounds, I am not getting many dates. It's either people message me 1 word, they repeat the same, "how are you" phrase, or you start a conversation and they:
1. Never ask you out
2. Ghost you.
Or
3. Become sexual when messaging
And then the problems continue once you meet and there's chemistry.... lol I'll save that for another day.

This happens to many people with OLD. Some women have agreed to go out on dates with me. But don't respond when I tried to finalize plans. Or they cancelled at the last minute. Some people are just looking for an email/text buddy. Some people get "cold feet" about OLD. Some people made other plans that they perceived to be better options. Others may have been looking to cheat on their partner. But had second thoughts about it.
 Iredurbio2
Joined: 4/18/2013
Msg: 9
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Ok so I'm popular but can't get dates. Why??????????
Posted: 9/28/2018 3:17:10 AM
I'm not sure it's isolation but I do know with
instant access to anything any time it's made
people much pickier and more willing to die waiting for the
next best thing!
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 10
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Ok so I'm popular but can't get dates. Why??????????
Posted: 9/28/2018 8:21:55 AM

LovelyinQueens
I am been very proactive, and most just disappear or they're perverts.


And what, prey tell, is wrong with perverts? After all, we need love too!


fullmoonguy2
2) Stop smoking.

Yes, most definitely. The deal breaker of all deal breakers.

LovelyinQueens
And then the problems continue once you meet and there's chemistry.... lol I'll save that for another day.

Okay, it’s now another day, let’s hear it.

You are right when you say “it is a numbers game”. So once you have gone down enough dead end streets, you have actually found someone you like who likes you (“there’s chemistry”) – what exactly is going wrong then?
 Tech30
Joined: 8/11/2017
Msg: 11
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Ok so I'm popular but can't get dates. Why??????????
Posted: 9/28/2018 9:11:27 AM
Using a dating site for actual dating is a big waste of time for most people.

Men use it to find quick and easy sex, and women use it because they are mad at their boyfriends/husbands and want some male attention.

Most people on these sites are fake. Best angle pictures. Filters , lies about age and height. It seems harder, but in reality it would probably take just as much time but youd find higher quality people if you just approached people in public where they cant fake as many things.

And people tend to be more genuine in person as most cant lie well on the spot or hide lies with their facial expressions. Also , lots of people with mental issues use online dating. The depressed and anxiety filled people who cant hold conversations or be normal social people but online can mask all that.

If you want to find quality leave the invalids online searching for each other.
 Tech30
Joined: 8/11/2017
Msg: 12
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Ok so I'm popular but can't get dates. Why??????????
Posted: 9/28/2018 9:13:17 AM
Oh and more on topic. Of men message you and talk sexual really early on and dont ask you out, its because they would want to use you as a quick lay but dont want a relationship with you or spend their time taking you out and getting to know you.
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 13
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Ok so I'm popular but can't get dates. Why??????????
Posted: 9/28/2018 1:31:08 PM
Yes, there are lots of undesirables on here, men who are married and not serious, and it's hard to find a gentleman these days. Dating is the tireless search for a needle in a haystack. But hang in there, you only need one good one.

You look cute but I wonder if better pics would help you, I'm not sure the pics you have now are doing you justice? Get a friend to take some pics or get some pro glamour shots.

Whatever you do, DO NOT ask guys out unless you really want to. Let them risk the rejection instead - why should a pretty lady stick her neck out if she does not have to?
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 14
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Ok so I'm popular but can't get dates. Why??????????
Posted: 9/28/2018 10:47:53 PM
I agree that you need better pictures. Sunglasses are a waste of time and you need to have shots taken standing up.
However this is not the site for an educated genuine woman looking for a real relationship I would suggest.
 oldwxman
Joined: 7/22/2018
Msg: 15
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Ok so I'm popular but can't get dates. Why??????????
Posted: 9/29/2018 12:40:22 AM
*If you want to find quality leave the invalids online searching for each other.

Tech, I resent that! :)

Wendy, you have more going for you than you know. In the old days, say 15 or 20 years ago, online dating was much better for educated people than it is now. Back in the DOS and through the Win98 years, a person had to have at least some brains to communicate online. As it is now, every dolt with a cell phone can do it and all of the dolts do. The key is niche marketing. Your objective should be to reach the remaining educated men who haven't just thrown up their hands in disgust. Appeal to them. You have plenty to do it.

Now some bad profile news but not necessarily fatal:
You have children. Educated men are shying away from single mothers these days. As time goes by, more and more of them are feeling a target painted on their backs. The only way to deal with something like that is to address it directly but don't do it the dumbellina way. Note how many and their ages and that is it. Stupid women say how the kids are their whole world or how they come first. I recommend that you tell the men that if they will be reasonable then you will be reasonable.

You have too many interests listed and they only appeal to boneheads. "New experiences" is okay but the rest are very pedestrian. You might consider leaving that part blank and let the men's imagination fill it in.

From your About section:

I think our perceptions of love are skewed by the movies. The most successful relationships are people we get to know over time from friendship. Of course, I've had love at 1st site and would love for that to happen again. Statistics show 80% of relationships starting with that kind of chemistry don't last:(

Too negative. Better would be something like "I believe in love at first sight but I am realistic about it."

Also from your about section:

I'm more of a realist. I'm willing to get to know someone based on consistency and compatibility to see what develops. I want something real and believe it starts with a commitment to get to know me.

Again, kinda negative. Educated men will interpret that as an intention to stall. I recommend that you go ahead and DO it but just don't say that you are going to do it. Just see how it goes.

The conversation starters section is a disaster. You aren't a 17 year old wall flower. Try this:

"When you email me ask me a question about geometry."

That does three things. Firstly, it weeds out the numbskulls and Lotharios. Secondly, it makes it easier for men to send you a legitimate message because it provides them a solid topic. Fewer "hi" or "how are you?" emails. Lastly, you get to answer the question and then gush to them about how happy you are that they actually READ your profile and didn't just look at the pictures. The topic doesn't have to be geometry. It could be anything that you know a lot about.

I think you will do just fine.
 SiennaBear2
Joined: 12/2/2017
Msg: 16
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Ok so I'm popular but can't get dates. Why??????????
Posted: 9/29/2018 5:06:56 AM
Try setting a minimum word limit for messages then the guys who are lazy and just want sex will be weeded out lol
 purplerider1200
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 17
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Ok so I'm popular but can't get dates. Why??????????
Posted: 9/29/2018 6:43:45 AM
Most know that they will get rejected. So why reply with a long winded one? They've wasted their time with it. I did that lots of times. Never got me past square one.

After a period of time, and many rejections, some, like me, just flat give up. It's whipping a dead horse. We find other ways to entertain ourselves. I stay for the forums. No forums, no me. Forums stopped appearing on the opening page of PoF. I thought they were gone, so I didn't bother logging on. There was nothing here to hold me, or even come around to look. Why bother falling into the same trap of messaging with no replies? Been there, done that, not going to do that again.

You, at least are getting some daily messages, however brief. Some is better than none. I know what that feels like. Complain to your hearts content. That never got me anywhere.

My responses come from forums, and not from the other end. Few will stick to talking to closed doors. I won't.
 MeramecRiverRat
Joined: 10/12/2017
Msg: 18
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Ok so I'm popular but can't get dates. Why??????????
Posted: 9/29/2018 7:36:30 AM


The conversation starters section is a disaster. You aren't a 17 year old wall flower. Try this:

"When you email me ask me a question about geometry."

That does three things. Firstly, it weeds out the numbskulls and Lotharios. Secondly, it makes it easier for men to send you a legitimate message because it provides them a solid topic. Fewer "hi" or "how are you?" emails. Lastly, you get to answer the question and then gush to them about how happy you are that they actually READ your profile and didn't just look at the pictures. The topic doesn't have to be geometry. It could be anything that you know a lot about.

I think you will do just fine.


I consider her conversation starters section a disaster because of her inability to choose between "your" and "you're", no surprise given her earlier "site" instead of "sight".

Ordering people to message them with a specific word or topic indeed weeds people out, but not in a way the profile writer intends. The alphas won't comply. Most likely they will not send a message. If they do respond, they will *not* write what you demanded, showing they're not a pushover. The people who do ask a geometry question (from your example) will not meet her, much less get anything off of her, because they're beta.

Tests to see people actually read your profile don't work. Apparently some Craigslist personal ads (back when they had a personals section) had lines of "Email me with the subject line: 'Zombies' to show you read this". The nice guys who read her profile and use that subject line got ignored. Have seen POF profiles with such requirements and have never sent a message.

If I did send someone with such a profile a message, I would probably say that I saw their request but am not going to comply. This shows I did read her profile, but am not a pushover, and I stand out from the conforming messages.

One reason I had a high response rate on OKC (when it was still an active site) is I didn't mindlessly write predictable answers to their cookie cutter sections (some POF profiles are so lame, they paste OKC drivel such as 6 things I cannot live without).


Not surprised the OP complains about not finding someone. It seems the bigger the metro area with the highest ratio of women to straight men, the more likely women complain about not finding someone. NY has a zillion people, significantly more women than men, and an abnormally high percentage of the men are gay. Yet NY women regularly whine they have no options. Volcano from the LA area made many such posts (LA has countless people and a shortage of straight men). When people offered Volcano logical suggestions, she shot down them all, making rationalizations such as traffic time not allowing anyone who lived more than a few miles away. Meanwhile, posters from the smallest towns post about getting lots of attention both online and in real life, and going on dates. People in small towns seem to have superior social skills while people in rich high-density metro areas (who are snobby and think they're better than the "deplorable" people from smaller areas) are socially clueless. Another reason is the women in the biggest cities think they can always find someone better, while the small town folk are aware they're in a small pond and wisely go with one of the few available options.
 oldwxman
Joined: 7/22/2018
Msg: 19
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Ok so I'm popular but can't get dates. Why??????????
Posted: 9/29/2018 11:59:45 AM
*If I did send someone with such a profile a message, I would probably say that I saw their request but am not going to comply.

What a tragedy! She really needs someone who "dun grajiated the sixth grade."

*Not surprised the OP complains about not finding someone.

Somehow, I think she'll get by without someone who is looking for a fat guy with "a real purdy mouth."
 adventurejoe70
Joined: 3/1/2013
Msg: 20
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Ok so I'm popular but can't get dates. Why??????????
Posted: 9/29/2018 12:17:58 PM
Well OP, we are neighbors. As Captain America said "".just a kid from Brooklyn"!

Anyway don't worry about it. NYC is a very rough online dating environment. People have so many other opportunities that they don't take it serious(meetup, bars, streets, public tran). Tinder probably works better here since it is "quick" and "now". Also there are more single women apparently than men so you might have more competition. Most cities it is the opposite. Perhaps hit the suburbs?

"Try setting a minimum word limit for messages then the guys who are lazy and just want sex will be weeded out lol"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Here most guys wants sex. Actually most women want it to. Tinder is the most popular service in this city. It was made for the logistics of a hook up culture. Being lazy isn't it people just are less generous with their time.

"Yet NY women regularly whine they have no options. Volcano from the LA area made many such posts (LA has countless people and a shortage of straight men). When people offered Volcano logical suggestions, she shot down them all, making rationalizations such as traffic time not allowing anyone who lived more than a few miles away. Meanwhile, posters from the smallest towns post about getting lots of attention both online and in real life, and going on dates. "

Part of their whining is due to pickiness. Plenty of men but they are seeking the models, dancers, hot immigrants, etc.
As for Volcano, she was actually incorrect from what my male friends told me. LA is a women's paradise, at least those under 40. She was competing with the want to be actresses.

I have friends that were good looking professionals(lawyers,etc) and they had a hard time in LA and when they saw how NYC was much easier they moved out here. Problem is LA women are similar to NY women but tended to be less educated and more showy(from my online experiment). The guys always complained that they had to drive very nice cars, nice clothing and have a friend list of famous people to do well . Just ask Clooney . San Fran is the city where women have it hard in CA, not LA because of GAys. NYC it is equal in that matter since Brooklyn has or had the highest Lesbian population.
In NYC the women are often lonely(moved from other places), more assertive, and want to hook up since they moved from their small towns and want indulge in the culture of freedom. In addition cohabitation is needed since most can't afford the rent.

"Meanwhile, posters from the smallest towns post about getting lots of attention both online and in real life, and going on dates. "
Suburbs favor women in America IMO. Men have less choices it seems from what posters have said. I mean men also are competing with the filthy rich in the city and male models but like you said many are gay and just plain dumb! The biggest advantage city guys have online is the increased assertiveness of the women mean less work guys have to do.



 adventurejoe70
Joined: 3/1/2013
Msg: 21
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Ok so I'm popular but can't get dates. Why??????????
Posted: 9/29/2018 2:19:55 PM

People in small towns seem to have superior social skills while people in rich high-density metro areas (who are snobby and think they're better than the "deplorable" people from smaller areas) are socially clueless.


What you said might be true if you consider superior social skills to be talking to ones mom, pop , and 10 cousins and flipper the Dolphin :). Seriously, that comment is so flawed I didn't respond to it initially, and you should at least say "IMHO" with such a bold statement.

It is generally accepted as fact that the big city guys have better "game" than the other side. The PUA movement started in Toronto because the "guys" figured out the social dynamics. Both women and men interact with such a large amount of people that they have superior social intelligence.
In a global international city like NYC, London, or Paris the social intelligence is magnified because citizens are dealing with multi-language and multicultural denizens alike. Don't mistake their lack of time , which can come across as a lack of manners, to mean they are less social. There is a reason we have a last call at 4am, while the rest of country last call is at midnight ;)

In addition, if you read tourist reports, NYers are actually pretty friendly and helpful. That is one of the reasons it is among the top tourist locations in the world. The service is second to none.

Last point, although I might be despised,scoundrel that I am, some of the NICEST, most social intelligent forum members have come from or live in big cities. Eric and KJ were both from NYC metro area at one time. Henry from Houston. Cowboy from Dallas. The list goes on. All of them IMHO had superior profiles than the avg member.



Remember a city boy can do much better in Missouri than someone will do in NYC. I would bet my life on that!(actually my experiment across the country on POF yrs ago proved that point for myself at least)

Read the below link:
https://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2010/11/the-social-advantage-of-large-cities/66980/


Meanwhile, posters from the smallest towns post about getting lots of attention both online and in real life, and going on dates.
They do? Most forum men from small cities complain. The women do better in the small cities from what I remember.



(who are snobby and think they're better than the "deplorable" people from smaller areas)

Ahh, gotcha. You revealed the truth. You have a confidence ego issue and the above statement proves it. THAT IS YOUR ISSUE, NOT the big city boys/girls. Truth is they don't deplore you at all. They don't think about you. They don't think your worst or better. As for snobs, snobbery tends to be based on socioeconomic class in this country. Ironically , you can actually see it often in small towns. NYC , for example, has been stated to be a city where billionaires ride the subway and eat hotdogs in Papaya king chatting up construction workers.
 __TEXASCHICK__
Joined: 11/9/2011
Msg: 22
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Ok so I'm popular but can't get dates. Why??????????
Posted: 9/29/2018 8:47:01 PM
Good grief, You sound like a High School girl.
 Onelionheart
Joined: 5/5/2018
Msg: 23
Ok so I'm popular but can't get dates. Why??????????
Posted: 9/29/2018 9:11:34 PM


Tech30
Men use it to find quick and easy sex, and women use it because they are mad at their boyfriends/husbands and want some male attention.

Most people on these sites are fake. Best angle pictures. Filters , lies about age and height. It seems harder, but in reality it would probably take just as much time but youd find higher quality people if you just approached people in public where they cant fake as many things.

And people tend to be more genuine in person as most cant lie well on the spot or hide lies with their facial expressions. Also , lots of people with mental issues use online dating. The depressed and anxiety filled people who cant hold conversations or be normal social people but online can mask all that.

If you want to find quality leave the invalids online searching for each other.


Well Done!

Moreover, if you left this website for a year, then come back, you are going to see the same faces over and over again, with the same photos in their profiles.


LovelyinQueens
I am not getting many dates. It's either people message me 1 word, they repeat the same


Your profile is your ID, in which people know you. You photos are your mirror, where people see you. Try to replace your photos with professional outfit photos. Losers will think for a while before messaging you, while professional men will do. Your photos are your first impact and message you send to me. Believe me, it is going to make a difference, and limited your message for professional men.
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 24
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Ok so I'm popular but can't get dates. Why??????????
Posted: 9/29/2018 9:55:31 PM

MeramecRiverRat
It seems the bigger the metro area with the highest ratio of women to straight men, the more likely women complain about not finding someone.

Meanwhile, posters from the smallest towns post about getting lots of attention both online and in real life, and going on dates.

That is not the impression that I have gained from reading these forums over the last 8+ years. Distinctly not. And my own experience would definitely disagree with what you’re saying.

As for responding with a “question about geometry”, I have complied with such requests in the past. It didn’t seem to make much of a difference, one way or another, my response rate remained about the same. As many have said before, the words aren’t really that important. Cowboy, abelian, many others have iterated over and over, “pictures pictures pictures”. If you can spell, avoid grammatical errors, and don’t ask if she’s DTF, the words are not what matters here.

Now before I get roasted for that statement – “words are not what matters here”, you have to remember that the forums are a special case. People come here because they are literate, because they like to read and converse with other people using the written word in an online medium. The average person out there using OLD (both men and women) do not like to talk online. They don’t enjoy it, it is not a “natural act” to them. I am not putting such people down, I am just trying to talk about the real facts in the real world.


adventurejoe70
You have a confidence ego issue and the above statement proves it. THAT IS YOUR ISSUE, NOT the big city boys/girls. Truth is they don't deplore you at all. They don't think about you. They don't think your worst or better.

Very true. Life in the big city is fast paced, and full of things to go and see and do. I grew up in a small town, I have spent time in small towns since then, including my original home town. There are advantages to a small town. Social life is NOT one of those advantages, unless your idea of a full social life is going to church 3 times a week. But I do not in any way feel superior to someone just because they live in a small town or rural area.

Now I have been known to chastise people who live far out in the boonies and complain that they don’t have a social life, that they can’t get a date. GTOMustang aka MachIMustangII (whom I still converse with regularly), the regulars here have seen me tell him publicly (more than once), “Drive to the nearest big city. Attend Meetup events. Go dancing. Live a little.” Which does not mean that I feel superior to him, that is NOT what my messages to him are about. I like him, I think he is a great guy and I wish he lived closer so we could get together and hang out. HawkingJR is another man that I would like to meet, hang out with, get to know better. Hell, even Tom Da Bomb, I bet he would be a riot to go out to the clubs with.

Tech30
Using a dating site for actual dating is a big waste of time for most people.

Men use it to find quick and easy sex, and women use it because they are mad at their boyfriends/husbands and want some male attention.

Most people on these sites are fake. Best angle pictures. Filters , lies about age and height.

If you want to find quality leave the invalids online searching for each other.

I’m going to have to disagree with you. If you would change “Most” to “Some”, as in “Some people on these sites are fake”, then I would have to agree. There are fakes. But I don’t believe that is the majority. Now you are a lot younger than me, and live in a different country, so your experience is probably quite different than mine. But the majority of women that I have talked with, and met, are not fakes. Certainly some, but not the majority. From my experience, over the last 8 years, talking to what must be over 1,000 women, and meeting maybe 200 to 300 (wild guess), I would say less than 20% are fakes. And by “fake” I mean lying about or misrepresenting anything of great importance. Such as fudging their age by more than 3 or 4 years, or using pictures more than 10 years old.

I don’t count aspiring to a higher social status as “fake”. Women often list “opera” or “theatre” (as opposed to a movie theater), and in reality that isn’t the case. But that’s just human nature, and I can accept that, deal with it, and I do not think that makes them “fake”.

Most people tend to put their best foot forward, and I don’t hold that against them. If they claim to love the opera (and have never actually been to a live performance), I don’t call that a “fake”. Just someone aspiring to a little higher social plane.
 Coma_White
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 25
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Ok so I'm popular but can't get dates. Why??????????
Posted: 9/30/2018 12:53:31 AM

Anyway, since I really do want a relationship. I have concluded it is a numbers game. Therefore, I NEED MORE DATES! Lol. Please spare me the profile review that's already been done. I change it often to get more popular, and hey it works because I am lol. So what can I do now?


It seems pretty obvious. Message someone you're interested in and ask them to hang out. It's so easy for a woman to get a date if they step out of their comfort zone.
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