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 PJMCM
Joined: 5/8/2013
Msg: 1
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Bit Confused...Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Hi Folks,
First post even though I've been on POF for over 5 years.

Being honest I don't bother much with the site - after I joined I found that any and all messages I sent were ignored. My ego & self-confidence are best described as "Fragile" so I backed off. I have had one date in that five years, but that wasn't good - I couldn't get away fast enough!!

Recently however, I saw a very nice profile pop up and one of her pics was quite quirky and funny. I sent her a fairly platonic message asking about the pic, not expecting a reply as per usual.

Surprisingly, she did actually reply!! Long story short...

We've been messaging back & forth for a couple of weeks now and she's really nice. Her bio explains what kind of guy she wants to meet etc (as do others) but her messages say she's not ready to meet anyone just yet. very confusing! I've given her my number and she has said she will call and explain a bit about herself and why she's not ready to meet anyone yet. Going by our messages I'm expecting that conversation tonight. She's had a recent relationship break-up so I'm guessing that's still raw perhaps?? It has crossed my mind that what she actually means is that she's not ready to meet ME yet!! So here's my quandary...

I'm happy to wait if there's a realistic prospect of us getting together (if it doesn't work out after that, then so be it but at least you've tried, right?). I'm not a fickle person who flits from one woman to the next - I'm looking for companionship more than anything else, preferably on a long-term basis. This lady is also 40 miles away which could be "Challenging", but I'm not fazed by that. So, has anyone had experience with this kind of situation? If so, how did it pan out? Any input would be appreciated.

Peter
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
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Posted: 10/1/2018 7:07:53 PM
What you have described sounds very much like a "Pen pal". In all likelihood this woman, enjoys the attention your messages provide...………………...but has little, to no, intention of ever meeting you in person. It's not just you. She is a "Time vampire", slowly sucking away your every spare moment.
As difficult as it may be, let her go. You are free to move on.
When I was available to date I learned that if a man wasn't ready to meet within a week, 2 weeks max, due to work schedule and/ or vacation, I cut him lose.
 PJMCM
Joined: 5/8/2013
Msg: 3
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Posted: 10/2/2018 12:39:51 AM
Thanks for the input LadyInRed

It did cross my mind that this is exactly as you describe - attention-seeking. That's not the vibe I'm getting though, I have to admit. We've exchanged numbers now and are communicating by text at present (POF is brutal in more ways than one). I've given her an opportunity to cut off messaging etc, but she has come back!?!? She works in the nursing field and comes across as a really nice, caring person - not the cynical type who would mess you around for fun!

It's not really costing me a lot of time, so I'll maybe go with the flow for another week or two. I'm in no hurry to get back on POF and look elsewhere - I haven't had much success there anyway (maybe I'm doing something wrong though, who knows??)
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 4
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Posted: 10/2/2018 12:40:01 AM

Being honest I don't bother much with the site - after I joined I found that any and all messages I sent were ignored. My ego & self-confidence are best described as "Fragile" so I backed off. I have had one date in that five years, but that wasn't good - I couldn't get away fast enough!!

Best way to handle POF -- a Tough site to nab a date for the average Joe -- without having an iron stomach for rejection, is to put things in proper perspective: Most gals are flooded with a lot of mail and/or are already talking a lot to a guy who's not necessarily much better than you either. Not to mention there are ladies are just dipping their toes in the pool, while not taking it too seriously anyway and just like browsing, while in-real-life is where their real dating options may come.

So you just "write them and forget it". You don't expect any replies, you don't think about it, you don't analyze their profile wondering how good a match they'd be. You only have those real thoughts to the small % that do reply. And yes, it'll take a lot of homework to get some replies over time, but you're not caring/focusing on any particular gal. You're fishing with a big fishing net, over time in your very spare time (kind of like cleaning your kitchen counter every day). It won't affect your ego when you're not caring about them (them=just a profile, not a person; only ones who reply are a person). No expectations, just an exercise.

We've been messaging back & forth for a couple of weeks now and she's really nice. Her bio explains what kind of guy she wants to meet etc (as do others) but her messages say she's not ready to meet anyone just yet. very confusing!

Okay, this is nice to get your ego boosted -- but if it's Already been a couple weeks and she still doesn't want to meet... pretty much, she's not ever going to Want to, unless you were to pen-pal her for gawd-knows how long and not be a potential date, but a pen-pal. And still, even then, Not a good chance of anything to come of it. So if you feel like a pen-pal is something you wouldn't mind having On The Side, and NOT get in the way of the actual dating scene, have at it.

I'm happy to wait if there's a realistic prospect of us getting together (if it doesn't work out after that, then so be it but at least you've tried, right?). I'm not a fickle person who flits from one woman to the next - I'm looking for companionship more than anything else, preferably on a long-term basis. This lady is also 40 miles away which could be "Challenging", but I'm not fazed by that. So, has anyone had experience with this kind of situation?

Basically, your chances are pretty small anything's going to come of it. It's not worth it anyway if, say, in 4 weeks pen-paling here and there, convenience, mood, and mode of hers strikes and she's willing to meet for coffee. Chances are even that won't lead to anywhere. Would all that be worth it, if you Are aiming for real companionship and not a pen-pal on the side without expectations? Of course not.

Place her in the spot where she Should be, and Aims to be, herself. A pen-pal on the side, no priorities. She's going to be a pen-pal friend, that's it. At most.
 PJMCM
Joined: 5/8/2013
Msg: 5
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Posted: 10/2/2018 3:30:43 AM
Thanks for the input NorwegianGuy.

I'm thinking along those lines now and then - you're probably right and it'll come to nothing.

As for the rest of the POF thing? Think I'll pass, I've been single for six years and still living so could do without the grief.

Cheers....
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
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Posted: 10/2/2018 8:10:41 AM
She's on the rebound. When she says she's not ready to meet anyone, believe it.

people on the rebound have a broken heart and are not ready to love a new person yet. Depending on how long her previous relationship was, it could take years before she is ready for a new man. If you continue with your naive ways and continue to pursue this woman, she will reject you, and hurt you - perhaps hurt you very badly. You have been warned. I wish you well.

Just because a woman is beautiful and talks to you does not mean she's a match.
 __TEXASCHICK__
Joined: 11/9/2011
Msg: 7
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Posted: 10/2/2018 4:48:40 PM
I have had 2 meets in the last 2.5 years since I broke my engagement. Dating from online can be and is difficult.
The Lady you are in communication with sounds like not ready. Maybe keep your options open to others?
 PJMCM
Joined: 5/8/2013
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Posted: 10/3/2018 12:42:03 AM
Final wee update...

Thanks for all the input. I had quite a long chat on the phone with this lady last night. I still feel that she's a really lovely person and I do still have a degree of affection for her, but she's not for me. I won't bore you with the details but I just don't feel that it's right. If only she'd agreed to exchange numbers a week ago!!! We sort of agreed that we might text each other now and again, but just as sort of friends and just to ask how the other is getting on. And that'll be it.

So thanks again everyone, and a special thanks to the guy who called me naive - that kind of constructive comment always helps!
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 9
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Posted: 10/3/2018 6:43:59 AM

If only she'd agreed to exchange numbers a week ago!!! We sort of agreed that we might text each other now and again, but just as sort of friends and just to ask how the other is getting on.

So she did or didn't agree to exchange numbers about a week ago? It's been about 2 weeks now. If after a week + the disclaimer she wasn't ready to meet, but wanted to talk -- yeah, if after a week they don't want to exchange #s either for "modern day" pen-paling... but to instead chat frequently thru POF-only, well, either she's not up to snuff to be a career pen-paler or she's got a significant other still lingering that she Plans to break up with.

There's a higher % than you'd think, of those who say they're on the rebound who aren't Yet, but utilize an online site to go thru "trial runs" of being single. A key flag for that is they aren't ready to meet anyone, but do want to chat Online.
 zonavar68
Joined: 8/16/2015
Msg: 10
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Posted: 10/6/2018 5:13:21 PM

She's on the rebound. When she says she's not ready to meet anyone, believe it.


And that's the same for almost all of us men either now (very, very common in our age range) or not long ago.

It's not just women who take time to 'self-repair'. In fact I would go so far to say that it probably takes men longer because we are generally much more introverted and tend to 'bottle' our feelings of hurt, guilt, self-doubt, lack of self-esteem/worth/confidence, etc. within ourselves where women, by their nature, are much more social and 'group supportive'.
 purplerider1200
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 11
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Posted: 10/6/2018 6:55:02 PM
^^^^Exactly. We're supposed to be the "Tougher sex" and endure what you stated with ease. Show it, and women will shoot you down in heartbeat. I learned to get tougher, but at the expense of not putting up with the shenanigans of dating. There's a lot of good, and bad things that come out of doing it my way. The longer I go without, the less I want to get involved with it.
 flowersinthelake
Joined: 5/11/2018
Msg: 12
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Posted: 10/7/2018 10:54:28 AM
If I were you, I'd get rid of the whiny tag line at the bottom of your "about me." It's very unattractive for an otherwise attractive person.

If you like the person and certain she isn't cat-fishing you, and you enjoy the conversation, keep it up and not expect anything other than a message-based friendship. However, if you're seeking somebody to actually meet, don't waste your time with people like this. She said she's just out of a relationship and is probably really married IRL, so she's not going to go out of her way to meet you.
 flowersinthelake
Joined: 5/11/2018
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Posted: 10/7/2018 10:57:20 AM

Exactly. We're supposed to be the "Tougher sex" and endure what you stated with ease. Show it, and women will shoot you down in heartbeat


That's B.S. and any woman who personally shoots you down because you express those to her (face-to-face), then she's insensitive. OTOH, feeling sad and rejected over a silly internet thing is a waste of time and silly. Chances are those feelings of poor self-worth started long before the digital connection and can't be blamed on that one occurrence. Honesty about oneself is the best way to go...
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
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Posted: 10/8/2018 12:06:37 AM

^^^^Exactly. We're supposed to be the "Tougher sex" and endure what you stated with ease. Show it, and women will shoot you down in heartbeat.

I kind of agree, but trying to read what you're saying. If you show your hurt emotions -- you're already shot down. But I do agree that you as a guy are supposed to take being shot down without much hurt (vs women). You're supposed to be emotionally "tough" -- and this isn't something merely expected by 1 gender either, but both, for a variety of reasons. A male being sufficiently rugged (emotionally & physically) is a sexual appeal to women, on a natural level. That's where it stems from. Of course, if you're shot down -- being cool & smooth about it isn't going to undo it at all. Which is probably why you'll find some guys express the hurt, anguish, frustration, or whatever emotions they're feeling at the time (ya already lost).
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 15
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Posted: 10/8/2018 8:59:50 PM

norwegianguy456
Of course, if you're shot down -- being cool & smooth about it isn't going to undo it at all. Which is probably why you'll find some guys express the hurt, anguish, frustration, or whatever emotions they're feeling at the time (ya already lost).

Expressing the “hurt, anguish, frustration” may be good for you emotionally, at least psychologists seem to think it’s better to let it out than hold it in. But if you get in the habit of “letting it out” because you have “already lost so it doesn’t matter”, then people are going to be seeing a side of you that is not considered to be conventionally masculine. We are supposed to, as men, not show the pain. If you get hit by a fastball, you are supposed to walk it off, not show the pain. And then there’s “Never let them see you cry”.

Contradictory signals here. I still go with what I learned when I was a young man, in my teens. I do believe that we are never too old to learn, but in this case, I haven’t seen any real reason to change what has always worked.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
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Posted: 10/10/2018 1:06:30 PM

Expressing the “hurt, anguish, frustration” may be good for you emotionally, at least psychologists seem to think it’s better to let it out than hold it in.

To someone you know, in the right way -- or in any (venting) way to yourself or with a friend by your side, sure. I agree with that.

But if you get in the habit of “letting it out” because you have “already lost so it doesn’t matter”, then people are going to be seeing a side of you that is not considered to be conventionally masculine.

Yes. And not just "letting it out", implying it being some emotional venting (even if mild) -- but it becomes unmasculine to express any level of direct butt-hurt (pain, hurt) about it. Much like you say, "never let them see you cry".

That said tho, for some folks' impressions -- if said guy indirectly shows being butt-hurt, by instead insulting said gal in response for the rejection + expressing sour grapes (as if he didn't want her anyway) -- it won't be seen as butt-hurt but "standing up for himself", so there's a masculine side to that POV. But that's all about interpretation. Wiser people see thru it. But some people see it as "You go, Joe! You don't let no girl walk all over you!", even though it was just a gal rejecting his cum-on (even if a bit cold rejection).

Contradictory signals here.

I think there's not a contradiction when it's someone you don't know (at all; well enough). I don't think there's a push to express hurt, anguish, etc. to someone you like who shoots you down.

But I agree there is, when it is someone you Do know (ie became friends with gal in hopes of getting out of friend-zone). But the good news is, the emotionally expressive sorrows by the guy will comparatively come off as less anti-masculine in that case if he's already seen a masculine guy. But that doesn't mean the guy can't go over-the-top to wipe that slate clean on masculinity... so I believe a vast majority of guys are going to err on the side of holding back on expressing too much sorrow-land to her, when he does.

I think this type of thing is what leads to guys instead putting on the face of Pissed/Angry vs Sorrow/Hurt. It's the replacement, because sorrow/hurt shows "weakness", where pissed/angry shows "I'm a man, f-u!" When one's telling guys to not express being PO'd at someone, but instead show the sorrow/hurt -- they also need to be understanding + not deny that girls in the end Don't find that masculine/attractive, even though they'd prefer that reaction over a PO'd a-hole.
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
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Posted: 10/10/2018 2:02:57 PM

Expressing the “hurt, anguish, frustration” may be good for you emotionally, at least psychologists seem to think it’s better to let it out than hold it in.


- that's pop-psychology and wrong. It's good for women, but not for men. Contrary to pop-psychology, men don't bottle up thier feelings, they work them out in thier own head, by themselves, over time. Think Squint Eastwood!

One of the most famous relationship books of all time addresses this issue and why men and women argue differently. It's called Men Are From Mars Women are From Venus.
 fullmoonguy2
Joined: 6/14/2017
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Posted: 10/10/2018 3:33:22 PM

One of the most famous relationship books of all time addresses this issue and why men and women argue differently. It's called Men Are From Mars Women are From Venus.


Written by a guy with questionable "credentials" and whose own marriage to another well-known relationship "expert" (Barbara De Angelis) ended in divorce.

"author John Gray, who along with De Angelis while they were married, received an unaccredited PhD degree by correspondence from the now-defunct Columbia Pacific University."

-Wikipedia
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
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Posted: 10/11/2018 12:31:52 AM
^^^^^^^^for what it's worth, the rest of his books are junk. The one I mentioned is the only good one.

I also met one of his counselors once. She was good, real good.
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
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Posted: 10/11/2018 5:09:32 PM

hemingway234
One of the most famous relationship books of all time addresses this issue and why men and women argue differently. It's called Men Are From Mars Women are From Venus.


Every worthwhile thought or opinion in that book was stolen directly from "The Need To Be Loved", Theodore Reik, 1963. Bypass the imitator, go directly to the original source. It is a good read, and worth your time.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
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Posted: 10/11/2018 7:35:31 PM
"- that's pop-psychology and wrong. It's good for women,"

Really? Are you sure? All women? So you think all women are the same, do you?

"It is a good read, and worth your time. "

If you believe that all men are the same, and all women are the same.

Nonsense. People are different. Men are different and women are different.

Try understanding different types of people, and not thing along gender lines only.
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
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Posted: 10/11/2018 10:18:55 PM

ohenryx
Every worthwhile thought or opinion in that book was stolen directly from "The Need To Be Loved", Theodore Reik, 1963.

It is a good read, and worth your time.


moraima
If you believe that all men are the same, and all women are the same.

Nonsense. People are different. Men are different and women are different.

Try understanding different types of people, and not thing along gender lines only.

I hate to sound critical, but you are revealing, quite clearly, that you do not know what you are talking about. Do a search on Theodore Reik, he was a very serious guy, a student of Freud, and one of the pioneers of psychoanalysis. Among educated people, he needs no defense.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 23
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Posted: 10/12/2018 8:35:32 AM
"I hate to sound critical, but you are revealing, quite clearly, that you do not know what you are talking about."

In your opinion.

Can you seriously say that you believe that all women think alike?
That all men think alike?

Anyone who tells me that is telling me the don't look at people as individuals and they don't listen when others talk.

Theodore Reik Born: May 12, 1888, Vienna, Austria
Died: December 31, 1969,

Do you really believe that people today think like people did from 1888 to 1969?
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
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Posted: 10/12/2018 9:19:57 AM
I am not saying that all men think alike, or all women think alike. Theodore Reik did not say that, or anything close to it.

But there are differences between men and women (hopefully you have discovered this on your own). These are broad, general categories of thinking, of problem solving, of the way that we view the world. And if you study psychology, you are going to be exposed to a lot of this, just as a starting point, as background information BEFORE you start getting into individual differences.

If all men were alike, and all women were alike, then there would be no need for psychoanalysis. You could just write a program, a little AI, and cure everyone’s mental problems. But that isn’t how it works. First, you must understand the background. The generic background, what makes men different from women. Then you get into the “nurture” part, what effect did their background, their early life, their parents have on them.

It is a tremendously complicated subject, and one I find fascinating. But one of the basic building blocks of our understanding of humans is the basic difference between the male and female psyche.



Do you really believe that people today think like people did from 1888 to 1969?

About some things, no. About most things, about the things that matter most, yes, they do think and act in a very similar manner.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 25
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Posted: 10/12/2018 11:31:37 AM
"I am not saying that all men think alike, or all women think alike."

That's what I said and your response was "I hate to sound critical, but you are revealing, quite clearly, that you do not know what you are talking about. "
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