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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Is contacting current partner's ex taboo to find out why the marriage      Home login  
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 wadeinwaves
Joined: 8/7/2017
Msg: 1
Is contacting current partner's ex taboo to find out why the marriage ended?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
The man I am with doesn't know why his former wife divorced him. He has a history of cheating but was adamant he never cheated on her. He also has a history of having a wandering eye and will look young women up and down while out with his significant other (many people don't see this as a flaw). During our relationship he has lied about many things (it is a habit he'd like to fix with counselling) and I found out he had heavily pursued another women on Match.com with whom he met. His back story to build the lie so I wouldn't figure out he was lying was unbelievable. In it he used the death of my friend's mom with whom I spend 1.5 hours with while she has passed away (if I had have been there one hour earlier I would have been able to see her before she passed away). He told me he had seen the pain I was in over my loss and said that his friends are getting older and that he needs to spend more time with them because of their age. Now, no bashing please.

I spoke with one of my friends and he suggested I contact his ex wife. She seemed to be very stand offish in the marriage and not a nice person in the second half of it. She may resent my contacting her as many people would. However, if I am to continue in this relationship (I have forgiven him as I am NOT perfect either) do I need to know his pas behaviors and if I do find out should they be a concern? People can and do change.
 spot4username
Joined: 12/15/2015
Msg: 2
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Is contacting current partner's ex taboo to find out why the marriage ended?
Posted: 10/1/2018 8:51:25 AM

The man I am with doesn't know why his former wife divorced him.

Bullsh!t

I spoke with one of my friends and he suggested I contact his ex wife.

A real friend would tell you to move on from this man.

She seemed to be very stand offish in the marriage and not a nice person in the second half of it.

You know this how? Oh, because the lying liar told you?

Now, no bashing please.

If I roll my eyes any harder I will give myself a migraine.

I think the two of you are a perfect couple. Please, carry on.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 1/17/2018
Msg: 3
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Is contacting current partner's ex taboo to find out why the marriage ended?
Posted: 10/1/2018 9:09:36 AM
OMG.
Stop.
Just stop.
No.
Do not contact the wife.
Why should she be dragged into this mess?
She has moved on.
You should as well
Or deal with the farce you have decided you are worthy of.
 Seamist474
Joined: 6/24/2018
Msg: 4
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Is contacting current partner's ex taboo to find out why the marriage ended?
Posted: 10/1/2018 9:10:54 AM
^^^

This whole post nailed it.

Past behavior predicts future behavior. Its like the old "if he cheated with you, he will cheat on you". The he/she are interchangeable.

I'd walk away from this "relationship", in fact, I'd run away.
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 5
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Is contacting current partner's ex taboo to find out why the marriage ended?
Posted: 10/1/2018 11:30:53 AM
*facepalm and pulls hair out*...
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 6
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Is contacting current partner's ex taboo to find out why the marriage ended?
Posted: 10/1/2018 1:10:58 PM
Who cares what he did in the past when how he treats you in the here and now is enough reason to dump his old, fat, useless ass....
 Clytemnestra
Joined: 6/6/2018
Msg: 7
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Is contacting current partner's ex taboo to find out why the marriage ended?
Posted: 10/1/2018 1:14:15 PM

Who cares what he did in the past when how he treats you in the here and now is enough reason to dump his old, fat, useless ass....


IDK. In her new profile pic, OP looks rather happy~

(keep the ex-wife out of it, though)

Good Luck OP<<<
 wadeinwaves
Joined: 8/7/2017
Msg: 8
Is contacting current partner's ex taboo to find out why the marriage ended?
Posted: 10/1/2018 1:20:08 PM
"IDK. In her new profile pic, OP looks rather happy~

(keep the ex-wife out of it, though)

Good Luck OP<<<"

Some people say that past behaviours predict future behaviours. It's good to nip things in the bud as soon as the warning signs start so they can be talked out. Communication is key which I am now learning. Repeating what the person says when it may be perceived as something else also helps. I am learning alot of new ways to make a relationship work this time around and believe we can make it work. I just wish I knew what happened but it isn't the be all end all. It just helps to know what happened so I can prevent us from breaking up. Forgiveness goes a long way. I'm sure none of us are perfect on here.

My bf may be older, but he is absolutely gorgeous and is trying to make things work. I see and appreciate his effort and his willingness to admit his flaws.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 1/17/2018
Msg: 9
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Is contacting current partner's ex taboo to find out why the marriage ended?
Posted: 10/1/2018 1:44:06 PM
I'm not perfect.
But you know what I'm also not?
I'm not a liar, I'm not intentionally rude,
I don't disrespect family and friends, I don't
make people I like or love feel belittled or
disregarded or invisible.

If there is something about a person you want
a relationship with that is so awful you need to
bring in witnesses to failure or character witnesses
to assure, you must be wicked desperate.

I have no idea why you're wicked desperate.
You're an attractive YOUNG woman.
And other than these ridiculous posts regarding
this ridiculous man, you seem pretty normal and
nice.
 PollyR107
Joined: 4/8/2016
Msg: 10
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Is contacting current partner's ex taboo to find out why the marriage ended?
Posted: 10/1/2018 1:54:10 PM
OP, I admire your optimism. While I agree that it’s not always true that past behaviour predicts future one, I don’t like the fact that he lied to you more than once in this relationship. Yes, he acknowledged the problem but he hasn’t had it fixed yet. His willingness to admit it, isn’t enough, IMO. Action speaks louder than words.

And I also agreed with other posters about not contacting his ex wife, leave her be. Bringing in the ex is likely to bring more dramas unnecessarily.

It’s good to try to make things work in a relationship, but ask yourself if it’s too hard work to fix? Or is it worth fixing at all?

Good luck.
 purplerider1200
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 11
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Is contacting current partner's ex taboo to find out why the marriage ended?
Posted: 10/1/2018 4:25:51 PM
I doubt you'd get a straight answer out of her. She might have an ax to grind, which means she'll attempt to undermine him bigtime.
 fullmoonguy2
Joined: 6/14/2017
Msg: 12
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Is contacting current partner's ex taboo to find out why the marriage ended?
Posted: 10/1/2018 4:40:19 PM

The man I am with doesn't know why his former wife divorced him.



He has a history of cheating



He also has a history of having a wandering eye and will look young women up and down while out with his significant other



During our relationship he has lied about many things



I found out he had heavily pursued another women on Match.com with whom he met.




Now, no bashing please.


What possible reason could we find to do any bashing?



he has lied about many things (it is a habit he'd like to fix with counselling)


Yes, people need to pay a counselor to explain to them that lying is a bad thing.



(many people don't see this as a flaw).


You mean stupid people?



as I am NOT perfect either)


We noticed.



People can and do change.


Well, you haven't.
You continue to spend your time with losers despite abundant advice suggesting otherwise.

Another SMH moment.

Keep the entertainment coming.


I admire your optimism.


Guess again.
It's not optimism.
It's called being delusional.


 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 13
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Is contacting current partner's ex taboo to find out why the marriage ended?
Posted: 10/2/2018 8:37:50 AM
Some thoughts:


- I think it's wise to find out as much as you can about your lover. And women who are in love/falling want to learn everything about their man (It's so romantic!)

However, she may have her own point of view on the matter - usually people don't divorce until they hate the other - so she may tell you some bad stuff, and it may be tainted by her hate for him. Yup, I'm betting she hates him. Very few divorces are amicable.

In other words, you probably won't get an honest answer.



He also has a history of having a wandering eye and will look young women up and down while out with his significant other (many people don't see this as a flaw)


- most men do this. Women in scantily clothed outfits, looking like they could "pop out" any minute, and all the makeup so they look too beautiful.........to a man, it's like waving candy in front of a baby. We are programmed, it's biology.

I don;'t look, but I understand women and relationships. But I tell other guys to wear mirrored sunglasses. They could curb their habit if they were edjumicated - but none are, so forget it. Sorry.



- cheaters are not good. He will probably cheat again. Once a cheater, always a cheater.... super high chance of it.

- people rarely change sweetie. I know this is not what you want to hear. I'm sorry, I'm just sayin'.
 2ufo
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 14
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Is contacting current partner's ex taboo to find out why the marriage ended?
Posted: 10/2/2018 10:38:12 AM

I doubt you'd get a straight answer out of her. She might have an ax to grind, which means she'll attempt to undermine him bigtime


She might give a straight answer but it's more probable that she wouldn't say much.
I didn't when my ex's new girlfriend contacted me.
I wrote her back saying to follow her gut and if she thought I was such a terrible person from what the ex had told her... then why was she contacting me?

If the ex-gf says something bad, then the new girlfriend will simply put it down to 'having an ax to grind' and conclude she's just the **** he says she was.
If she says something good, then the new girlfriend will assume that he's redeemable and a good catch or they simply weren't a compatible couple.
 SiennaBear2
Joined: 12/2/2017
Msg: 15
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Is contacting current partner's ex taboo to find out why the marriage ended?
Posted: 10/2/2018 11:07:59 AM
It's wrong to contact the ex.
Just assume it is based on the behaviours you already know he does. She was probably fed up and left.
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 16
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Is contacting current partner's ex taboo to find out why the marriage ended?
Posted: 10/2/2018 5:23:26 PM

My bf may be older, but he is absolutely gorgeous




The outward appearance of a person, whether young, in-between or older makes no f'n difference, in how that person treats others. Ex.- Murderers come in all sizes, tall short thin fat, damn good lookin' and uglier than sin.
Why on earth would a person want to be in a relationship / stay in a relationship, with anyone who makes a habit of treating one poorly / a history of cheating...……………….just the tip of the iceberg.
IF I chose a man simply due to his eye appeal...……………..and he had no redeeming qualities...………..I need my head examined.

The ex-wife? Leave her alone.
 TheEvolutionOfJessi
Joined: 8/29/2015
Msg: 17
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Is contacting current partner's ex taboo to find out why the marriage ended?
Posted: 10/2/2018 5:39:28 PM
a resounding "DEFINITELY" leave her alone...

she's over and done with his dramas...

I was the 'middle' MrsK and I was happy to be done with him... I never would have consulted the first MrsK... and I keep my nose out of the involvement of current MrsK... (we are in same Wastebook interest group and currently live near each other)

I look at how a person treats me and how I feel in their company... given current stats... it's pretty much why I am happier alone... (laughs)
 __TEXASCHICK__
Joined: 11/9/2011
Msg: 18
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Is contacting current partner's ex taboo to find out why the marriage ended?
Posted: 10/3/2018 3:47:10 PM
Bless your Heart, you and he are a perfect match.
 Clytemnestra
Joined: 6/6/2018
Msg: 19
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Is contacting current partner's ex taboo to find out why the marriage ended?
Posted: 10/3/2018 5:38:38 PM
Dang. the OP is gone. I was enjoying hearing about her love affair. She looked happy. Maybe she didn't care if the guy was a big flirt, etc. Beats hanging around on a Saturday night with your pet rats. Just sayin'
 browneyesboo
Joined: 1/17/2018
Msg: 20
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Is contacting current partner's ex taboo to find out why the marriage ended?
Posted: 10/5/2018 7:48:09 AM
If she were that happy, she wouldn't come here asking us
if it were okei she overlook the stuff she was uncomfortable with.
I'm not sure who she was trying to convince of her happiness.

But I do hope she is well and happy.
 HippyDippyWeatherman
Joined: 3/20/2008
Msg: 21
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Is contacting current partner's ex taboo to find out why the marriage ended?
Posted: 10/5/2018 1:52:38 PM
You could contact my ex but you would be contacting a compulsive liar and your info would be subject to her version of the truth at that time. My children know the truth and I think that if the partnership gets to the point of marriage they would give the best analysis of my personality.
 PennyAnte
Joined: 4/17/2016
Msg: 22
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Is contacting current partner's ex taboo to find out why the marriage ended?
Posted: 10/15/2018 4:09:29 PM
"I spoke with one of my friends and he suggested I contact his ex wife"




https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=umDr0mPuyQc
 Bristolian
Joined: 3/13/2018
Msg: 23
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Is contacting current partner's ex taboo to find out why the marriage ended?
Posted: 10/16/2018 5:55:20 AM

The man I am with doesn't know why his former wife divorced him.


You're either trolling the board, horribly desperate or incredibly naive.

The upside is that you've defined the ultimate loser. Dating him is your choice. Hopefully, you don't have any children that will see or become subject to this fiasco.
 Carnival_Fishing
Joined: 10/2/2018
Msg: 24
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Is contacting current partner's ex taboo to find out why the marriage ended?
Posted: 10/16/2018 7:45:36 AM
It's funny, how the (now departed) OP never mentioned if she would mind if the guy she's seeing was to do the same thing-contact her former ex('s) to find out why they broke up. What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
 forumfairy
Joined: 3/20/2018
Msg: 25
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Is contacting current partner's ex taboo to find out why the marriage ended?
Posted: 10/16/2018 1:50:11 PM
I would offer that yes, it is taboo and also not cool.
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