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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Guys searching for you on FaceBook, etc., without asking & before you      Home login  
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 arwen52
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 1
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Guys searching for you on FaceBook, etc., without asking & before you have metPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Not sure exactly what category to put this under but I'm wondering if I'm the only one who feels it's a bit creepy for a guy you've never yet met to look you up on FaceBook or other places and send a friend request without asking first. I'm assuming he did a search on my profile photo because I've only given him a first name and only because we were supposed to meet. I find this off-putting. Am I the only one who feels this way?
 MeramecRiverRat
Joined: 10/12/2017
Msg: 2
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Guys searching for you on FaceBook, etc., without asking & before you have met
Posted: 10/17/2018 3:56:08 AM
You said you two were supposed to meet. Makes sense for him to find out more about you by finding you on Facebook. Some people might be flattered the other person was curious to learn more. Maybe he has past dates in which "single" women turned out to be separated (married) and she lied about other things.

Best if you had communicated with him about this as soon as he sent the friend request. If it wasn't the middle of the night, call him about it. Or text him, assuming you took communication away from here.

Strangers on these forums have often posted that women *should* stalk men online and find out all their details, and some of those same people are hypocrites who tell women to have throwaway fake phone numbers and other means of hiding their identity from men.

A friend request before meeting sounds premature, but many people on Facebook post a bunch of stuff that only their Facebook friends can see. Their public posts are empty or a small subset of their posts. Being a Facebook friend would let him see all your posts. Your posts could contain a dealbreaker, but could also have things he likes that place your rank highest among the various women he's considering. Recently a gal I found on POF had a favorable Facebook impression in my opinion: her most recent public post favored preserving Confederate monuments. Seeing such a post might alienate other viewers, so Facebook can help in compatibility. One gal I matched on Bumble got her knickers in a twist shortly after the 2016 election when she saw a political comment I made on Facebook about which she didn't agree 100%: she immediately unmatched me on Bumble and deleted me as a Facebook friend.

Facebook friend requests are no big deal to some people. He probably has many "Facebook friends" he's never met in real life.

Another positive is he probably doesn't have anything bad on Facebook he's hiding. If there are bad things about him, he's careful to leave them off his Facebook presence. Anything you don't want him to see?

What's really creepy are the potential employers who demand people give their passwords on Facebook so the companies can see everything you've posted there.

I've had women from online dating sites recognize me on the friend list of their Facebook friends (including women I've dated) and message them asking details about me. One seemed to consider it a good thing we had friends in common. Ideally the friends put in a good word about me, saying I'm fun to be around, a bad boy, mysterious, etc, and didn't say I was a nice guy.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 3
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Guys searching for you on FaceBook, etc., without asking & before you have met
Posted: 10/17/2018 4:20:45 AM

Am I the only one who feels this way?

Of course not. However you put the information online for everyone to see so why get worked up over it.
 whiterose0
Joined: 2/3/2009
Msg: 4
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Guys searching for you on FaceBook, etc., without asking & before you have met
Posted: 10/17/2018 8:05:34 AM
I agree with you that it's a bit creepy and stalkerish. You might want to consider making your Facebook profile private, so that only your close friends and family members can view it.
 arwen52
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 5
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Guys searching for you on FaceBook, etc., without asking & before you have met
Posted: 10/17/2018 8:19:33 AM
Well, I asked the guy, "How did he find me on FaceBook?" I never gave him my name. He blocked me.

There's something creepy about the whole thing. He clearly is not the kind of person I'm looking for.

I'm starting to think maybe I should just take down all photos and not give out my phone number from now on.


Best if you had communicated with him about this as soon as he sent the friend request. If it wasn't the middle of the night, call him about it. Or text him, assuming you took communication away from here.


I didn't see his friend request, he told me, "You friended me on FaceBook, now let's meet in person." But I hadn't. The whole thing was kind of weird.
 MyTrueCompanion
Joined: 9/20/2018
Msg: 6
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Guys searching for you on FaceBook, etc., without asking & before you have met
Posted: 10/17/2018 8:21:07 AM
Arwen, the man was doing an "I'll show you yours if you show me mine."

By sending you a friend request, he was not hiding or sneaking. I'd chalk it up to enthusiasm and some slight social ineptness, and only slight at that.
 arwen52
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 7
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Guys searching for you on FaceBook, etc., without asking & before you have met
Posted: 10/17/2018 8:22:46 AM
Well, I asked the guy, "How did he find me on FaceBook?" I never gave him my name. He blocked me.

There's something creepy about the whole thing. He clearly is not the kind of person I'm looking for.

I'm starting to think maybe I should just take down all photos and not give out my phone number from now on.


Best if you had communicated with him about this as soon as he sent the friend request. If it wasn't the middle of the night, call him about it. Or text him, assuming you took communication away from here.


I didn't see his friend request, he told me, "You friended me on FaceBook, now let's meet in person." But I hadn't. The whole thing was kind of weird.


Another positive is he probably doesn't have anything bad on Facebook he's hiding.


He didn't have *anything* on his profile except his profile photo of him standing with his arms around two scantily clad Las Vegas showgirls and he was wearing a T-shirt that said, "Sometimes I do stupid things."

No, I have nothing to hide, but I appreciate a man who understands concepts of boundaries and consent. Snooping around like that doesn't fit into my idea of the way a gentleman ought to treat a lady. The guy is 70 years old and says he doesn't use FB.
 PennyAnte
Joined: 4/17/2016
Msg: 8
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Guys searching for you on FaceBook, etc., without asking & before you have met
Posted: 10/17/2018 8:47:40 AM
You chatted up with a man that turned out to be "creepy" in your opinion. It happens. Just move on. Don't even take another minute to think about it. I'm sorry that happened to you. Perhaps set more clear boundaries when you are engaging with men here. Limit the contact with you to this site until you decide if you want to meet them or not. Some people do not even exchange phone numbers here until they meet. I personally use a throw away phone, I buy minutes, pay as you go. No hypocrisy here. I make that suggestion to many.

Regarding facebook I tell people that that is for my family and close friends. I need to get to know you better before I introduce you to that part of my life. If they don't like that that is not my problem, it is theirs. My facebook is private. Go to facebook settings and you will be able to easily make that adjustment.
 Carnival_Fishing
Joined: 10/2/2018
Msg: 9
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Guys searching for you on FaceBook, etc., without asking & before you have met
Posted: 10/17/2018 9:40:57 AM
I have no problem with someone looking for info on me on Facebook, because I'm not on Facebook. They can look all they want. If I want to contact someone, share photos, give or receive info, etc., it's no problem doing it via email, phone call, or meeting in person. I don't need to keep up with the latest and coolest 10,000 ways to interact with another human being without actually interacting. The way things are going, people are going to be sending their holograms on dates first, to see if it's worth meeting in human form.
 fullmoonguy2
Joined: 6/14/2017
Msg: 10
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Guys searching for you on FaceBook, etc., without asking & before you have met
Posted: 10/17/2018 11:38:34 AM

I find this off-putting.


I find FacePalm/FaceBook off-putting.

I like my privacy.

There used to be a public service announcement running on tv here that said, "Putting your information on the Internet is like opening your front door to the world"(figuratively).

My front door is not open to the world, literally or figuratively.
 siisaa
Joined: 8/6/2017
Msg: 11
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Guys searching for you on FaceBook, etc., without asking & before you have met
Posted: 10/17/2018 12:20:20 PM
You can make it to where people can't send you a friend request unless you two share mutual friends.

I don't currently have a FB but when I did, I didn't come across this issue. I never used my legal name and made it to where only people who my friends knew could send me messages or friend requests.

It's insanely easy to privatize your FB account if you must have one.
 oldwxman
Joined: 7/22/2018
Msg: 12
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Guys searching for you on FaceBook, etc., without asking & before you have met
Posted: 10/17/2018 1:24:04 PM
Creepy? Tough beans.

Women drew first blood in the internet privacy war.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 10/31/2015
Msg: 13
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Guys searching for you on FaceBook, etc., without asking & before you have met
Posted: 10/17/2018 2:49:56 PM
It is insanely easy to find the identity of someone online, and it doesn't take any software or skills more elaborate than knowing what to look for on Google. Usually it doesn't take much more than a first name or phone number or a photo. Similar links for Divorce records, LinkedIn Profiles, Instagram - the stuff is there, and easily accessible. People really need to accept that the data is out there, and free to search, and easy to find.

I find sharing texts with someone over the phone - their phone number is tied into their Facebook account - as is mine - so the second I create a phone number in my contact list -- their face pops up as "People You May Know" in Facebook. It's stuff like that where people don't even need to try to work at it - and still get labeled as a 'stalker' because other people are just stupid about privacy settings.

As far as actually searching or Friending a Facebook account - well, to put it bluntly, people lie. They may call it 'privacy' or some sort of lawyer-like legal description, but basically - it's about control. What people put out on these dating sites - indeed, what people create and release to the public on their social media pages - is just an image of what they WANT others to think of them - not necessarily the truth.

The deliberate avoidance of revealing information is somehow NOT considered equally sinful to supplying false info, and yet, it can steer people into totally wrong impressions very quickly. Finding out their hidden stuff they reveal only to their 'friends' usually makes a clearer picture. And pictures are usually the part that tells the truth - more than anything else. Just one single family picture can show more information than most would discover through a month of text messages, or in two years if you are communicating with a real control freak.

Can people be exploited or intimated by that kind of information? Sure. If they don't understand that it was gained online with a simple Google search, it can be as scary as hell trying to figure out how they know -- but that fear is NOT THEIR PROBLEM - it's yours, for allowing them to get under your skin from something as benign as a Google Street view photo of your house. The internet is a helluva lot more than just the tiny porthole you log into every evening after work, so it's time to learn to use it as an asset, not something to fear.

All that being said, boasting about searching or revealing extracurricular explorations is usually a huge social No-No. Only azzhats lacking intelligence and courtesy do that kind of crap. Keep that to yourself, be polite with your assumptions, and give the other person a chance to reveal themselves comfortably. What you dig up is more for YOUR peace of mind that it ever will be for anyone else. It usually doesn't take too long for a phony to reveal their true colors anyway.
 Kevin116
Joined: 8/7/2018
Msg: 14
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Guys searching for you on FaceBook, etc., without asking & before you have met
Posted: 10/17/2018 8:12:07 PM
Yes, it happened to me but. Since I'm a guy it got weird and crazy quickly lol
 arwen52
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 15
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Guys searching for you on FaceBook, etc., without asking & before you have met
Posted: 10/17/2018 8:46:32 PM
[ quote] Keep that to yourself, be polite with your assumptions, and give the other person a chance to reveal themselves comfortably. What you dig up is more for YOUR peace of mind that it ever will be for anyone else. It usually doesn't take too long for a phony to reveal their true colors anyway.

Sweet Danimal, I think you put it well.

Several years ago, a guy I met on POF but had not met in real life yet called me at work. I had only given him my first name and my occupation but from that he was able to figure out who I was and called me at my work place, calling me by my full name. He thought it was funny; I did not. He *had* been planning to show up at my work place but, fortunately, decided against it because he lived too far away. I guess I'm old fashioned in this respect. I'm not hiding anything but it's unnerving when total strangers start looking things up about you. One guy who did a search on my phone number jumped to the conclusion that I was a psychotherapist because my phone number (erroneously) shows up on a website as belonging to a psychotherapist who is no longer in business. The link is that my work address was at that same address several years ago.
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 16
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Guys searching for you on FaceBook, etc., without asking & before you have met
Posted: 10/17/2018 8:53:25 PM

I have no problem with someone looking for info on me on Facebook, because I'm not on Facebook.



I don't need to keep up with the latest and coolest 10,000 ways to interact with another human being without actually interacting.


Bingo. I've never understood the fascination with social media or any trends. Privacy is precious these days.
 mahwahgirl339114
Joined: 10/31/2017
Msg: 17
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Guys searching for you on FaceBook, etc., without asking & before you have met
Posted: 10/17/2018 8:55:21 PM
I don't use Facebook and don't have any "privacy" problems. Wanna know about me - ask me, I'm not deaf! :)
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 18
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Guys searching for you on FaceBook, etc., without asking & before you have met
Posted: 10/17/2018 9:00:55 PM
^^^^^^^^^^^^

Ok I'll ask. What day is your birthday? I need to know how much time I have left to get you a present
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 19
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Guys searching for you on FaceBook, etc., without asking & before you have met
Posted: 10/18/2018 5:26:13 AM

Strangers on these forums have often posted that women *should* stalk men online and find out all their details, and some of those same people are hypocrites who tell women to have throwaway fake phone numbers and other means of hiding their identity from men.


- nothing wrong with that. All is fair in love and war. Welcome to the cat-and-mouse game. You should try to find out about them before they find out about you.

As far as Spacebook goes...........



I don't need to keep up with the latest and coolest 10,000 ways to interact with another human being without actually interacting.


- that's very smart! Yeah, my Spacebook account is basically abandoned, I'm not active on it, I just don't "Space" at all. I've had a woman ask me to friend her, I declined - I told her I don't go there anymore.


Regarding facebook I tell people that that is for my family and close friends. I need to get to know you better before I introduce you to that part of my life. If they don't like that that is not my problem, it is theirs. My facebook is private. Go to facebook settings and you will be able to easily make that adjustment.


- right, it's primarily for friends and family - she has not met the guy yet, he's a stranger.........so friending is creepy.
 johnfromzelie
Joined: 3/8/2018
Msg: 20
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Guys searching for you on FaceBook, etc., without asking & before you have met
Posted: 10/18/2018 5:51:34 AM

Strangers on these forums have often posted that women *should* stalk men online and find out all their details, and some of those same people are hypocrites who tell women to have throwaway fake phone numbers and other means of hiding their identity from men.


- nothing wrong with that. All is fair in love and war. Welcome to the cat-and-mouse game. You should try to find out about them before they find out about you.
definitely something wrong with that! while I do understand the need for being careful, it certainly isn't alright that either one feels the need to get the upper hand.
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 21
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Guys searching for you on FaceBook, etc., without asking & before you have met
Posted: 10/18/2018 5:57:16 AM
^^^^^^^^^but that's the way dating works in the real world. I don't like it either, but reality is what it is. I'm just sayin'.
 Tech30
Joined: 8/11/2017
Msg: 22
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Guys searching for you on FaceBook, etc., without asking & before you have met
Posted: 10/18/2018 10:02:45 AM
I think more people do it than they let on.

Women have confessed to looking me up on facebook, and I have looked up peopel as well.

If you have gone to texting and exchanging phone numbers, then those people will start to show up in the "people you may know" section of facebook. Makes it super easy to check them out. Look at more pictures and see if they really are single with no kids...

I have met too many married women in the past to not want to check people out first.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 10/31/2015
Msg: 23
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Guys searching for you on FaceBook, etc., without asking & before you have met
Posted: 10/18/2018 11:01:46 AM
Even being Friends on Facebook doesn't always reveal the full truth. I have several married women as Friends that constantly post photos of themselves on Girls Night Out, or at events with their kids - but have next to nothing in there with their Significant Other. Sure, someone has to hold the camera to take pics, but who posts what is usually up to the owner. Why are there not more pics with the hubby? What is going on? I really wonder sometimes if they take a step back and realize what other people see. One family Christmas photo a year is not exactly what I would consider a happy couple.
 Tech30
Joined: 8/11/2017
Msg: 24
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Guys searching for you on FaceBook, etc., without asking & before you have met
Posted: 10/18/2018 11:10:35 AM
Thats one thing I saw a lot , especially with women trying to trade up. Social media pictures would always exclude the boyfriend or husband
 PollyR107
Joined: 4/8/2016
Msg: 25
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Guys searching for you on FaceBook, etc., without asking & before you have met
Posted: 10/18/2018 12:07:26 PM
I don’t use my real name on here and all my pics aren’t on any site I’m associated to either. So it’s not very easy to find me on the net without my Christian name and surname. So if a guy finds me on the net, yes, that’s creepy.

However, I, as a woman, want to know if my potential date is who he claims to be. But I’ll look him up after the first meet and feel some connection that will lead to subsequent dates. I don’t want nasty surprises.

I wouldn’t mind if my date looks me up after we have met because I have nothing to hide and I don’t have any personal info on any sites even the ones that I require to be on. I’ll give a bit further details of me if I feel that more dats are possible.
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