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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Desperately need advice on how to reconnect with adult son! (Long pos      Home login  
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 siramram
Joined: 10/19/2018
Msg: 1
Desperately need advice on how to reconnect with adult son! (Long post)Page 1 of 1    
Hello Folks,
62 year old male here. Used pof years ago, found my partner, took the exit ramp, never looked back. So, don’t bother analyzing profile, it’s only for the forums.

My son, 27, has been doing the disappearing act over the last few years. I am out of options and ideas on how to mend the bridge. Maybe one of you can make that one suggestion to help me get him back.

Backstory:
Married 25 years. Two sons, 27 and 30 now. Had a good marriage, good family life, money, travel, good life. No drugs, hardly drank, no violence, no cheating. I worked a good job, looked after my family, made sure they had everything, always cooked for them, took them everywhere, laughter, fun. Made up for me not having a family growing up. Yes, I overcompensated, but given what else is out there, they had zero to complain about.

13 - 14 years ago, ex wife began to behave strangely as she was in her mid 40’s. Became withdrawn, distant. Dressed sexier, more “late nights at work”, week long trips twice a year to the Caribbean with 2 new found lady friends from work…eventually, marriage broke down. She had no interest in counselling or therapy, and 12 years ago, marriage ended. 2 years later I found out she had switched teams.
My boys are all I have in this world. No other blood relatives. As the years went by, the boys became more and more distant from me. I began to hear whispers and hearsay about certain accusations made against me by my ex wife, to justify her life choice. None is true. As I said, she and the boys had nothing to complain about. We lived a good happy upper middle class suburbia life. We parted as friends, even had dinners at each others houses for a couple of years, Christmas gifts, birthday cards. But she made new older friends when she joined the local Lions Club as a volunteer. The more these bitter old women in their 60’s influenced her with thoughts and ideas, the more we grew apart and stopped being friends. Suddenly I was being given court papers accusing me of not paying enough child support. I proved I paid every penny and more, and charges were dropped.

As the years went by, the boys became more distant to the point I see them once or twice a year, even though we all live within 15 minutes of each other. My younger son and I were very close, but about 3 years ago, literally overnight, he stopped making contact as usual. He still lives at home with his mother, and she has gone above and beyond to keep him dependent on her, as if to keep him a young dependent child and not a man. He has had a dozen laborer type jobs in the last couple of years. Just can’t keep a job. He does have mild Aspergers, but bought a brand new car 2 years ago with his savings from other jobs. He lost the car this past summer and I had to loan him money to get it back. I doubt I’ll ever see the money again. He now stopped coming over, does no-shows on my birthday, fathers day and Christmas, no gifts or cards, just a text. Going to go out on a limb and speculate that perhaps his mother told him I’m not his real dad. He was born with red hair and looks nothing like his brother or me.

I miss him terribly. Over the years, I’ve written, talked, apologized, explained…to no avail. I used to be in a Parental Alienation Syndrome support group a few years back and heard similar stories from other parents.
As for the mother, the link below describes her and her actions perfectly:

https://tinyurl.com/yd577wwr

The older son is slowly coming back. I worry about my younger son. Shy and introverted, he’s making the wrong friends and has no money. I fear he will do a favor for quick cash, get arrested, and that will be the end of him. Pasty white blonde shy kid in jail, he won’t last the night. He no longer replies to my emails, pretty much stopped coming around all together, and yet, there is zero that happened between us to trigger this. I’ve moved on, am engaged, and pretty much resumed the happy life I had when still married. I know my ex wife is still bitter that even though she ended the marriage, can’t stand that I’m happy, and has sabotaged my relationship with the boys to get back at me, destroying a human, her son, in the process.

Sorry for the long post, but your suggestion may save this relationship, and maybe even a life.
 lnitia
Joined: 10/11/2018
Msg: 2
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Desperately need advice on how to reconnect with adult son! (Long post)
Posted: 10/24/2018 11:17:14 AM
Do not sweat it- very typical time in life to be doing own thing- that compounded with possible shame/obligation/guilt/ about borrowing/losing vehicle and not being capable/willing to return money-of course, may also be some discomfort associated with the mother who has her own agenda and does not nurture familial unity.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 1/17/2018
Msg: 3
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Desperately need advice on how to reconnect with adult son! (Long post)
Posted: 10/24/2018 12:11:42 PM
Your sons are adults.
You have been divorced 12 years.
Not sure why your ex wife is still an issue and
why it matters whether or not she is happy or
she is unhappy about you being happy.

I would treat my kids like the adults they are.
Make contact with them, show an interest in
their lives. Never put their mom down (no matter
what you think she says or does).
It's up to them if they choose to have a relationship
with you. You can't force them.
 oldwxman
Joined: 7/22/2018
Msg: 4
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Desperately need advice on how to reconnect with adult son! (Long post)
Posted: 10/24/2018 12:14:17 PM
OP, it is completely out of your hands. You were a good father but you couldn't have been perfect. Things changed too fast while he was growing up. Many of the things that worked for you and that you tried to show him just don't work for him in the modern environment. You are a father, not a prophet of the Lord. You can't be right all the time but he will resent you for it anyway. That's how he was raised.

I am sad to say that the best thing that you can do is turn your back on him. At this point, all you are doing is enabling his continued infancy. Having his mother doing it is bad enough for him. Not to be cruel, cut him loose and live your life the best you can. Make being an example your last act as a good father. One day he may see what a good life looks like and try to have one for himself.
 whiterose0
Joined: 2/3/2009
Msg: 5
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Desperately need advice on how to reconnect with adult son! (Long post)
Posted: 10/24/2018 12:28:34 PM
I agree with browneyesboo. I think you should extend an olive branch to them and let them know that the door is always open for them to come back into your life if they choose to do so. After that, the ball is in their court. To cut them off would just be petty.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 1/17/2018
Msg: 6
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Desperately need advice on how to reconnect with adult son! (Long post)
Posted: 10/24/2018 1:11:25 PM

I am sad to say that the best thing that you can do is turn your back on him. At this point, all you are doing is enabling his continued infancy.


Yes, because that's what we do to people we love that are troubled and might need our help one day.
 siramram
Joined: 10/19/2018
Msg: 7
Desperately need advice on how to reconnect with adult son! (Long post)
Posted: 10/24/2018 2:29:02 PM
All good advice worth pondering.

Killing this profile now as it's served its purpose. I'll keep monitoring this thread.
 Clytemnestra
Joined: 6/6/2018
Msg: 8
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Desperately need advice on how to reconnect with adult son! (Long post)
Posted: 10/24/2018 3:03:43 PM
^^^
Desperately need advice on how to reconnect with adult son! (Long post)
Message: All good advice worth pondering.

Killing this profile now as it's served its purpose. I'll keep monitoring this thread.


Really????
Have a POF Profile for five days to ask (desperately!) what to do about your adult son?
Makes no sense. Thinking troll.
And soooo close to Hallowe'en!
hahahahaha
Whatever.
Good luck OP
 lnitia
Joined: 10/11/2018
Msg: 9
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Desperately need advice on how to reconnect with adult son! (Long post)
Posted: 10/26/2018 8:14:59 PM
^^^ You are on your toes! ! Good eye :)
 PennyAnte
Joined: 4/17/2016
Msg: 10
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Desperately need advice on how to reconnect with adult son! (Long post)
Posted: 10/26/2018 8:46:23 PM
" has her own agenda and does not nurture familial unity." So what?

You are a 62 year old man and no one has the power to take away your paternal rights in any way, shape or form.
You are in denial using your ex wife as an excuse for some imagined influence you think she has over your son.
The only person who can influence him about you is you. Take some responsibility for whatever your own actions are
You use her to blame so you don't have to look at your own mistakes with your son. He is "triggered" for some reason.
It's up to you as the parent to find out why.
 purplerider1200
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 11
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Desperately need advice on how to reconnect with adult son! (Long post)
Posted: 10/27/2018 7:08:25 AM
You have to let them make their own mistakes. Stand back and wait to pick up the pieces, if you can.

Suggestion- and it is only a suggestion- Start thinking about the possibilities of losing that kid- permanently. S*it happens. I've seen people who have never contemplated that, and they go to pieces, if it happens. You got a choice. Becoming a basket case doesn't help you, or anyone else.
 lnitia
Joined: 10/11/2018
Msg: 12
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Desperately need advice on how to reconnect with adult son! (Long post)
Posted: 10/27/2018 8:09:56 AM
"you don't have to look at your own mistakes with your son" Indeed
Circumstances?There comes a time when it must be understood as it is: indeed, what it IS! 26 yrs of age is time for understanding our own part in life- not everybody else. A process of understanding the IS.. 62 need to get on board of accepting your circumstances- and a therapist might be better place to put your two cents. : )
 Rumours
Joined: 6/4/2018
Msg: 13
Desperately need advice on how to reconnect with adult son! (Long post)
Posted: 10/27/2018 8:41:28 AM
You're 62?^^What she/he said
My opinion is quit the blaming of "why" your sons do what they do.
Quit trying to control any of the situations of their adult lives.
They are adults and make their own decisions about life and you.
One of the best advice I was ever given was....If you know you have taught them to be responsible adults and they know right from wrong.....they have to start making their own choices.

I know as a parent we can't stop the caring and worry but must walk a fine line not to encourage/enable them to be less.
They are bound to make mistakes and it's usually natural for them to not concern themselves in our lives as they age....ungrateful brats!!

Put it out there....you're available always for them and start living your own life..
Get happy and quit stressing about them and their choices.
 flowersinthelake
Joined: 5/11/2018
Msg: 14
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Desperately need advice on how to reconnect with adult son! (Long post)
Posted: 10/30/2018 4:11:17 AM
Their comes a time in your children's lives when you have to become the supportive parent rather than the smothering/doting parent. You're still their father and you will have that concern for them. I think you can get tips from your therapist on how to deal with your feelings and how to behaviorally approach your adult children so you don't alienate any attempt they might be making in developing a relationship with you.

Your ex-wife may be to blame for outcome of your children and it seems to have been a disservice to them thus aren't coping well in adulthood, but you need to let her go and start focusing on you approach these problems and working on your relationship with your adult children.
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