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 Lornac78
Joined: 8/5/2018
Msg: 1
Time wastersPage 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Why are there so many men (probably people) who message without any real intent? They chat for weeks without taking it any further and shy away from hints (or outright suggestions even) to meet. Opinions please. And what is your approach with people like that?
 johnfromzelie
Joined: 3/8/2018
Msg: 2
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Time wasters
Posted: 10/28/2018 9:07:40 AM
I refuse to chat for weeks without meeting! I ask early on to meet for coffee. I have been victim to the 'pen pal' issue several times and always gave up before meeting. before online dating, we didn't need to message for weeks before meeting, we just met and either left or pursued more.
 mahwahgirl339114
Joined: 10/31/2017
Msg: 3
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Posted: 10/28/2018 9:10:11 AM
If they want to chat for days and do not initiate a meeting, I stop responding. My time is valuable.
 PollyR107
Joined: 4/8/2016
Msg: 4
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Posted: 10/28/2018 10:56:33 AM
This topic has been done to death. These folks could be married/ in a relationship etc. But are on here to seek ego boost, ways to cheat on their other half.

It doesn’t matter why they do what they do. The most important thing is what you want. If you want pen pals, keep chatting to them. If you’re looking to date, stop talking and move on to other guys who want the same thing. There’re plenty of them on here genuinely looking to date.
 oldwxman
Joined: 7/22/2018
Msg: 5
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Posted: 10/28/2018 11:46:53 AM
I'll offer another explanation that I know applies to SOME men. (I don't know how many but some for sure.)

There are a lot of women who cut off chatting the very instant a man suggests meeting. The men stop asking because they mistakenly think that they would be wasting progress. They don't understand that progress is impossible with a woman like that. They have to learn that just ask and be done with it is the best way to determine progress. I don't think that the majority of women are hyper paranoid but there are enough of them to make inexperienced men risk adverse.

I agree with Polly. If you ask explicitly and they still stall then give up and try another. No point in dealing with them.
 johnfromzelie
Joined: 3/8/2018
Msg: 6
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Posted: 10/28/2018 12:03:05 PM
well you cant ask them to meet at a motel in your second message but if your exchanging messages and seem to be hitting it off, the next logical step would be to meet. those paranoid of actually meeting are likely to still be paranoid in a month, besides, if I was the guy they fear, I could be whoever I wanted to be online and still murder you in a month.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 10/31/2015
Msg: 7
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Time wasters
Posted: 10/28/2018 8:49:27 PM
I fully agree with previous posters that waiting/expecting the guy to 'make a move' from a hint just isn't practical. Be OPEN with people online about what you think and what you want to do - if a guy can't get a hint sitting next to you, how the hell are they going to figure out context and motivations from a half dozen texts?

I categorize people by 15% attractive, 85% are the rest.

The 15% get 85% of the attention from everyone, so therefore, you are just another face in a crowd - and disposable. Both Men AND Women play the field in that way. A lot of people in here take offense to the mere suggestion that you should be looking for someone less attractive - that blind obsession with making the 'most' of life and 'never' settling -- but if you want to improve your chances, that is EXACTLY what it takes. A good soul and a great partner are not always found in shiny packaging. Decent people don't have to match your wish list 100%
 flowersinthelake
Joined: 5/11/2018
Msg: 8
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Posted: 10/29/2018 5:27:43 AM
Stop chatting with them. If there isn't any discussion about a meeting within the first couple of days of chatting and no so much as an exchange of phone numbers to communicate, stop wasting your time.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 9
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Time wasters
Posted: 10/29/2018 8:35:01 AM

They chat for weeks without taking it any further and shy away from hints (or outright suggestions even) to meet. Opinions please.

It takes two to tango. You can't play the "But I'm A Girl" card. If a guy writes you, once some convo gets going -- you're both on Equal planes. If you want to meet up with him, suggest meeting up sometime. If he's "meh" about it, he lacks interest, move on. Simple as that.

Remember, You are Also chatting for weeks without "taking it any further" too, in those situations. :)
 Natey2
Joined: 7/4/2011
Msg: 10
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Posted: 10/29/2018 1:41:29 PM
Similarly, there are aggressive businessmen who feel that you must purchase something just because you walked into their store, or it would be deemed that you wasted their time. LOL

See my profile text why I choose to communicate with certain people here, even though they are not my "type" for dating.
And they voluntarily chat with me too :-)

Feel free to quit chatting at any time, indicating it is a waste of your time.
 Spectrallight
Joined: 9/14/2018
Msg: 11
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Time wasters
Posted: 10/29/2018 2:06:38 PM

Why are there so many men (probably people) who message without any real intent? They chat for weeks without taking it any further and shy away from hints (or outright suggestions even) to meet. Opinions please. And what is your approach with people like that?


If I'm chatting to someone local I would expect to meet them at the weekend coming at the latest. I don't like chatting constantly on text either. It drains me to the extent that I lose interest.
 2ufo
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 12
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Posted: 10/29/2018 4:54:51 PM
Time wasters...

They've got the time to waste.
If you don't want to waste your time on them, then stop replying.
 mahwahgirl339114
Joined: 10/31/2017
Msg: 13
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Posted: 10/29/2018 7:07:59 PM

If I'm chatting to someone local I would expect to meet them at the weekend coming at the latest. I don't like chatting constantly on text either. It drains me to the extent that I lose interest.

Exactly, exactly.
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 14
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Posted: 10/30/2018 10:28:49 AM
Many are married guys or men in relationships - since they already have someone, they are not seriously interested. Or they are crazy, are talking to another woman they like better, don't know what to do with a woman (I'm serious), or have other issues (there are hundreds of reasons people flake).

That's just the way dating goes, people are flaky until you've dating someone for awhile and they have caught feelings.... don't take it too seriously until HE takes you serious.

It's okay, you only need to find one good one.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 1/17/2018
Msg: 15
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Posted: 10/30/2018 1:17:09 PM
I have a hard time concentrating on conversations I'm
interested in. I think a lot of people blame "comfort level"
for long, laborious and seemingly endless emails and phone conversations.
If it takes you a multitude of back and forth banter to connect
with someone, you have to ask yourself if it's worth it or even
if you're compatible.

Ain't nobody got time for pen pals in this day and age.
Unless of course you're looking for a pen pal.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 16
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Posted: 10/30/2018 2:32:10 PM
"Why are there so many men (probably people) who message without any real intent? They chat for weeks without taking it any further and shy away from hints (or outright suggestions even) to meet. Opinions please. And what is your approach with people like that?"

Question: are you REALLY spending THAT much time talking to these people? Most people I have "chatted" with online, send perhaps one message a day, or every few days. It costs me perhaps two or three minutes per response, and I'm already online, or I wouldn't see their messages.

Is it just that you get your hopes up, and then you have all this excess energy pooling in you, and feel embarrassed about getting those hopes up? Is that why you are looking for something rude to say about them?

Of course, I'm old, and I don't participate in things like POF using my cell phone. All the notices that cell phones give me about everything from emails, to tweets, to notices from businesses, to you name it, would make me hate pretty much anyone who tried to talk to me through an interface like this, no matter what. No way I'm engaging in conversation with ANYONE using my cell, until we are well into a serious ongoing relationship.
 cookymaker
Joined: 6/28/2014
Msg: 17
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Posted: 10/30/2018 6:47:29 PM
A possibility is that people can be insecure about their appearance. They want to make sure you will like them for their thoughts, humor, intelligence, etc BEFORE you meet face to face. Then their flaws have a better chance of being overlooked

One man and I exchanged emails forever before meeting -- in all honesty, the emails were hilarious and I was having a blast. That doesn't happen often. When we did meet, he called ahead of time to make sure we were still on. Told me " I'm not much - I don't want you to be disappointed.."
So confidence could have something to do with it
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 18
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Posted: 10/30/2018 9:11:34 PM

IgorFrankensteen
Of course, I'm old, and I don't participate in things like POF using my cell phone. All the notices that cell phones give me about everything from emails, to tweets, to notices from businesses, to you name it, would make me hate pretty much anyone who tried to talk to me through an interface like this, no matter what. No way I'm engaging in conversation with ANYONE using my cell, until we are well into a serious ongoing relationship.

First off, let me say, welcome back, Igor. It’s good to see you around these parts again.

Secondly, based on your statements above, Tinder and Bumble are NOT going to work for you (smile). One of the things I dislike about both is that you have to do all of your initial talking using a text only interface on the cell phone. Although there is an Android emulator available for Windows … hmmm… I need to look into that.


IgorFrankensteen
Is it just that you get your hopes up, and then you have all this excess energy pooling in you, and feel embarrassed about getting those hopes up? Is that why you are looking for something rude to say about them?

Very insightful reply. But then we expect nothing less from Igor.

The answer to that (getting your hopes up, investing too much emotional energy in someone you haven’t even met yet), is to get things going in real life. Not necessarily dating (although that is a good thing), but just “things” in general. Take some classes in night school. Join Meetup groups and go dancing or hiking or ANYTHING. Get out of the house, do things, have a life.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 19
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Posted: 10/31/2018 1:28:10 AM

Question: are you REALLY spending THAT much time talking to these people? Most people I have "chatted" with online, send perhaps one message a day, or every few days. It costs me perhaps two or three minutes per response, and I'm already online, or I wouldn't see their messages.

I think alerts on a phone of an incoming message, or an incoming email from POF due to a reply is pretty darn common even for folks like myself who really only want to write on the computer and not the phone (unless traveling). One shouldn't be in position where they'd have to be logged into POF to be aware of incoming POF mail, is all.

That said, I agree that it doesn't/shouldn't take long to write a message to someone. I don't think it'd be one every other day (lack of interest if routine with person) -- but I think routinely it wouldn't be more than two exchanges in a day per usual... especially by a guy who's not keen on meeting.

Is it just that you get your hopes up, and then you have all this excess energy pooling in you, and feel embarrassed about getting those hopes up? Is that why you are looking for something rude to say about them?

Yeah, I think it's a classic case of other-person-not-that-interested. But one shouldn't be barking up that tree for very long to find out if they truly are or not.

If we're writing someone motioning (or outright asking) to meet up sometime, and they don't bite, ya move on. Whether they're married, have a GF/BF, have a person(s) of higher interest they're more focused on, are apprehensive about Actually meeting someone IRL, or just don't find ya that attractive -- it doesn't matter. Bottom line is just the same -- they lack interest. We can guess all we want, but as you allude to, we can't get PO'd at someone who after chatting with us some, that they don't want to go out -- but are willing to still chat some if we push for it.
 MeramecRiverRat
Joined: 10/12/2017
Msg: 20
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Posted: 10/31/2018 4:22:26 AM


One of the things I dislike about both is that you have to do all of your initial talking using a text only interface on the cell phone.


Tinder is available via their website from a computer. Slower than the phone app, but prevents consuming cell data (my plan is 2 gig per month).



get things going in real life.


Yep. Being with someone for less than a minute in real life is a lot more advanced than exchanging dozens of messages online. Facial expressions, voice inflection, chemistry, and more in real life. One reason online guys disappear from the OP could be they encountered a gal in real life.
 2ufo
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 21
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Posted: 10/31/2018 8:38:25 AM

Being with someone for less than a minute in real life is a lot more advanced than exchanging dozens of messages online. Facial expressions, voice inflection, chemistry

I agree.
A fraction of a second of being in the presence of someone gives a lot more information... not just facial expressions and voice inflection but how a person smells. I've read that some people can detect diseases via smell, that scents remain in the memory longer and more accurately than other senses, that scent bypasses the thinking part of the brain, and even - to some extent - verifies DNA compatibility for immunologically stronger children.

Really, it doesn't matter WHY a person disappears off a site or stops responding or ghosts you, they simply did.
All you can control is yourself.
 Natey2
Joined: 7/4/2011
Msg: 22
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Posted: 10/31/2018 12:28:30 PM
Some women don't want to text or talk too much, just meet immediately.
I think they are called DTF , or something like that.
 purplerider1200
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 23
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Posted: 10/31/2018 4:02:15 PM

I categorize people by 15% attractive, 85% are the rest.


I do believe that you're right. Once the 85% figures out that all they're doing is twisting in the wind, they pursue other avenues of self entertainment, and leave the dating cycle to other people.

And why not? Nothing comes of it. People get picky. Encounter several with high aspirations, in a row, and one finds themselves thinking that they're all like that. They take on the "I don't care" attitude, it's all over except the fat lady singing.
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 24
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Posted: 10/31/2018 7:12:58 PM

Some women don't want to text or talk too much, just meet immediately.
I think they are called DTF , or something like that


I think, you think too much...……….
 spot4username
Joined: 12/15/2015
Msg: 25
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Posted: 11/1/2018 2:33:31 AM

Some women don't want to text or talk too much, just meet immediately.
I think they are called DTF , or something like that.

OR
They are the polar opposite of time wasters. I always wanted to meet and meet fast. That definitely did not mean that I was a sure thing or DTF. It meant that I wanted to cut to the "real life" chase. No BS please.

If a guy dragged his feet - next. The few times that I did allow a man to drag it out beyond my preferences his "truths" started coming to light. A little embellishment here, a tiny little lie there. Those sorts of people are hoping to hook you emotionally so that you will overlook anything they have been misleading about when you finally meet. Doesn't matter if it is age, weight, height, children, job, marital status, what have you. They believe they are so charming that you will just find them irresistible and not care about who they really are. Unfortunately this often works for them --- I mean, that is why they do it --- gullible people, those with low self esteem, the desperate, those who are being misleading themselves --- will fall for it.
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