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 AdjBattle
Joined: 7/22/2018
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Attachment theory seems to explain my dating type and problemsPage 1 of 1    
I read a recent article about attachment theory basically supposedly there are four types of attachment aka how you interact with people:


Secure: Able to make relationships well with others. Can rely on others and can be relied on, happy with company or alone, positive about their relationships.

Anxious-preoccupied: Needs validation, wants close relationships, often thinks their relationships are undervalued, deals with relationship issues by confronting partners.

Dismissive-avoidant: Doesn't need validation, don't need close relationships, often think they are of higher value in relationships, deals with relationship issues by avoiding partners.

Fearful-avoidant: Needs validation, want but fears close relationships, often thinks they are of low value in relationships, deals with relationship issues by avoiding partners.


Of these attachment types well done if you have a secure attachment type you should have better relationships. The other 40% of the world seems to fit into the other three catergories. Interestingly anxious attachment and avoidant attachment are massively likely to be attracted to each other.

This creates an odd problem often of one partner needing attention and validation from the other and the other wants to withdraw. The idea is if you know what type you are you can communicate your needs better so you aren't hurting each other

I would put myself in the anxious attachment catergory and agree all of my relationships have been with women in the dismissive-avoidant catergory it seems to be what I'm attracted to and why I have low success. I'm attracted to girls that really don't want to date and are put off by people wanting to get close to them. Reading about this I've relearned that I need to give them space rather then pushing them to open up to me, be abit more cool and casual.

Anyone find this interesting or found they relate to the attachment types?
Attachment theory seems to explain my dating type and problems
Posted: 11/10/2018 7:56:33 AM
yesterday i watched the movie, "MamaMia Here We go Again" with a friend who is self aware of her neediness in relationships (due to her high anxiety levels, she's needed a man to drive her around, work hard enough to pay bills, etc. she's gotten over some of it with age). after the movie, she commented on how attractive andy garcia looks, how she always had a crush on coloin firth since he played mr. darcy, remington steele, etc.

when the topic quickly changed to the value of physical appearance, however, my female friend (who won't be mistaken for a model) downplayed its significance, saying she always dates for personality, not looks. I pointed out she just had commented on how attractive all the men in the movie looked. she explained it away with, "well, you know how needy i am". i considered that, yes, if her goal in getting a relationship was to get a man who helped her get thru adult responsibilities, then yes, his personality traits that led him to white-knighthood are very important--and sex is just frosting on the cake. to a woman who stands on her own two feet and fulfills her needs, she needs something else from a man (intimacy, sex, etc)--and his ability to help her run her life and take some of that load off, is icing on the cake.

back to your topic--those with a healthy mind, know how to find people with one. they simply look for someone who gives them as much respect, as they give themselves. they do this subconsciously, and shy away from those who are abusive. but people who wave a red flag, don't see it as a red flag, so when they spot a partner with that same red flag, its not seen as a bad thing, but just a belief system they share in common. until the day comes they get bit in the ass with it, its just an approach to the world they both share--and feel a sense of comfort, that the other partner engages in it so it must be normal behavior. they are accepted by their partner for having it.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
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Attachment theory seems to explain my dating type and problems
Posted: 11/10/2018 9:54:14 AM
I think it's a wild oversimplification, overall.
As with many fad relationship theories, it has some value in getting people to more closely examine and learn about themselves and their motivations, so I'm fine with people thinking about it all.

But the idea that there are only four kinds of attachment behaviors, is (in my experience) nonsense. In addition, such "theories" tend to assume that people aren't changed by their experiences, and don't evolve to become more certain of who they are, over time.

By the way, many of the people I've known who were in the "Secure" category of this setup, were that way because they were callous, shallow, and selfish. Not because they were well balanced and self-aware. They could be "relied upon," because they followed established "rules." Not because they had any concern or appreciation for the human values associated with the "rules."

Others who fit the more "defective" sounding descriptions, were that way because they DID care about others, and not because they were themselves weak or paranoid or whatever.

But as I said, as a starting place to get people thinking about how they behave and why, it's fine.
 __TEXASCHICK__
Joined: 11/9/2011
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Attachment theory seems to explain my dating type and problems
Posted: 11/10/2018 10:26:33 AM
Thinking this is some overthinking stuff.
 purplerider1200
Joined: 9/10/2011
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Attachment theory seems to explain my dating type and problems
Posted: 11/10/2018 2:05:42 PM
Some just insist on having some sort of explanation to their plight, then track down some theory that fit it. They then try to attach them to others, in some way. This isn't a cookie cutter world, we're all different.

Dating problems defy everyone. Add another into the mix, and it complicates things. I've looked at many sites like you have. The end result is the same. You haven't figured it out yet, but at some point, you'll give up on what BS speil they're peddling.
 AdjBattle
Joined: 7/22/2018
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Attachment theory seems to explain my dating type and problems
Posted: 11/10/2018 5:13:56 PM
Yeah its not really something to be taken as the only way to date its more of a framework to build around. I think its good as it makes you think about what your weakness can be, distant or needy and how to make up for them or to make allowances for you partners issues. Dating goes bad when we expect everyone to be perfect, well rounded and rational or that everything we do is perfect, well rounded and rational.
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
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Attachment theory seems to explain my dating type and problems
Posted: 11/11/2018 9:17:25 AM
It sounds to me like a complicated way of saying different people have different degrees of self-image and attitude.

For a person to be a catch they have to have a good attitude.
 mahwahgirl339114
Joined: 10/31/2017
Msg: 8
Attachment theory seems to explain my dating type and problems
Posted: 11/11/2018 9:53:50 AM

It sounds to me like a complicated way of saying different people have different degrees of self-image and attitude.

For a person to be a catch they have to have a good attitude.

Pretty much. You're good at summarizing. :)
 five-marie
Joined: 7/31/2011
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Attachment theory seems to explain my dating type and problems
Posted: 11/11/2018 6:13:10 PM
I'm a Dismissive-avoidant and always attract Anxious-preoccupied like you mentioned. They do tend to try my patience though and none have ever worked out.
 Natey2
Joined: 7/4/2011
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Attachment theory seems to explain my dating type and problems
Posted: 11/14/2018 4:07:29 AM
Heres my counter-theory:

Almost everybody on these dating sites is hedging their bets.
And they all have a list of people they want, in preferential order.

You (nobody specifically) are not going to get your #1 choice partner on your list.
And your #1 partner is not going to get his/her #1 choice/partner on his/her list.
Because we all want something better which we often can't get.
So we move on to the next person down on our list, etc.

We all have to compromise, find someone who is fairly compatible, and convince them that they were always their #1 choice.


Being with another requires a compromise.
If you find someone 75% compatible, you'll need to work on compromising the other 25%.
If you find someone 90% compatible, you'll only need to work on compromising the other 10%.

People who wait for 99% or higher compatibility in a partner may just end up waiting forever for the "right" person.

If we don't want to compromise, we should remain single.


Just my opinions. Your mileage may vary.
 fullmoonguy2
Joined: 6/14/2017
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Attachment theory seems to explain my dating type and problems
Posted: 11/14/2018 3:13:37 PM

Dismissive-avoidant: Doesn't need validation, don't need close relationships, often think they are of higher value in relationships, deals with relationship issues by avoiding partners.


Based on 2500+ pages of complaints from men on the Profile Review forum- and my own personal experience at the present time- this is the most common dating type exhibited by women on dating sites.

Dismissed and avoided by the masses.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
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Attachment theory seems to explain my dating type and problems
Posted: 11/15/2018 7:37:40 AM
I think we can be secure in one relationship but insecure in another. Our anxiousness can fluctuate person to person according to who you think has more of the power in the relationship. However, some people go for people that they think are below them, in terms of powerfulness while other strive for those above them.
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
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Attachment theory seems to explain my dating type and problems
Posted: 11/15/2018 8:45:37 AM

Dismissive-avoidant: Doesn't need validation, don't need close relationships, often think they are of higher value in relationships, deals with relationship issues by avoiding partners.




Based on 2500+ pages of complaints from men on the Profile Review forum- and my own personal experience at the present time- this is the most common dating type exhibited by women on dating sites.

Dismissed and avoided by the masses.



- we call that a control freak, high maintenance, spoiled brat, or bad girl - take your pick!

I prefer Drewish princess myself!
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