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 lnitia
Joined: 10/11/2018
Msg: 1
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choosing-between casual dating and intimate monogamyPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
In a quandary-what factors to take into consideration in determining dating pattern. Very appealing to forego the effort for a committed monogamous relationship that may end up "sexless" or very minimal physical intimacy-However, as a mature adult am aware that a [bold] physically/emotionally satisfying[/bold] committed relationship is worth the effort! (my intro title was a result of frustration recreating my profile 6 times in 3 months- not the entendre it appears to be) any input on this aspect of dating?
 johnfromzelie
Joined: 3/8/2018
Msg: 2
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choosing-between casual dating and intimate monogamy
Posted: 11/17/2018 11:22:37 PM
one does not replace the other, not even close.
 lnitia
Joined: 10/11/2018
Msg: 3
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choosing-between casual dating and intimate monogamy
Posted: 11/18/2018 8:15:58 AM
No not at all what i am saying-it is important in dating others- to be honest and clear about intent. I totally agree with your sentiment. For myself at my age not really sure i want to attempt a string of of yr -two year monogamous relationships-because we indeed may find we are incompatible. In a perfect world everybody would be totally emotionally and physically satisfied with intimate partner. (Not saying burden ones partner with all my social and emotional needs)- but as per the relationship would like my partner to be intimate/communicative/honest/trustworthy as I am. However often, either because of my choices or different worldviews and having personal standards and principles LT partnering has not worked {yet many of those past relationships(4-8 yrs- continued for 15 20 yrs as friends} often the intimate relationships have not panned out for myself. For me maybe keeping it casual and not investing might be more rewarding for both parties.
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 4
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choosing-between casual dating and intimate monogamy
Posted: 11/18/2018 9:55:26 AM
Be careful with what you’re saying here. There are a number of people in these forums who will immediately form up a lynching party and gladly haul you away to the nearest tall tree or lamppost.

I have a slightly different viewpoint on this. Do not get hung up in the beginning with trying to find the perfect partner. Find someone that seems reasonably close to what you want (appearance, distance, etc). Meet for coffee or a drink, see if that works out. If it does, have a real date. If that goes well, then after a couple of dates, if you find each other attractive, move on to the sex. If that goes well, then rinse and repeat.

I have found in my life that I only fall in love after I have been intimate with someone. The intimacy is no guarantee of love, but it is a necessary prerequisite. It just seems that in my life, in my experiences, the real bonding takes place after sex. Lying in bed, holding each other, talking. About anything and everything. After the clothes are off, after you have revealed your true (physical) self, you are much more likely to open up and reveal your true inner self.

And that is when you discover whether or not you are really compatible. And if you’re not, well then hopefully you at least had some good sex.

The important thing is to be open to whatever possibilities life may offer up.
 johnfromzelie
Joined: 3/8/2018
Msg: 5
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choosing-between casual dating and intimate monogamy
Posted: 11/18/2018 10:02:19 AM

After the clothes are off, after you have revealed your true (physical) self, you are much more likely to open up and reveal your true inner self.
like when you go to a nudist resort? that is the real reason we run around naked all weekend.
 lnitia
Joined: 10/11/2018
Msg: 6
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choosing-between casual dating and intimate monogamy
Posted: 11/19/2018 7:30:34 AM

The important thing is to be open to whatever possibilities life may offer up.
Yes it is. Yet, I am aware that with internet dating we will often have less interest(as i have done so/not even reach out) in those with dissimilar relationship goals, clearly stating such in my profile would be a possible way to avoid misleading anyone. However, many do not look past the intro with our stats..
 adventurejoe70
Joined: 3/1/2013
Msg: 7
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choosing-between casual dating and intimate monogamy
Posted: 11/19/2018 9:37:19 AM

I have found in my life that I only fall in love after I have been intimate with someone. The intimacy is no guarantee of love, but it is a necessary prerequisite. It just seems that in my life, in my experiences, the real bonding takes place after sex. Lying in bed, holding each other, talking. About anything and everything. After the clothes are off, after you have revealed your true (physical) self, you are much more likely to open up and reveal your true inner self.

I absolutely agree Henry! Anything else is just friendship. I also find that often women really don't open up and get close until after sex has taken place. Having sex , of course as you say, is no guarantee. But NOT having sex is a guarantee of not being in a relationship. This is when it comes to adults. Not talking about High School relationships.

Casual dating leads to intimate monogamy often enough.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 8
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choosing-between casual dating and intimate monogamy
Posted: 11/19/2018 9:33:46 PM
Have you ever tried dating someone way younger? I've heard that there's a lot of younger guys who are willing to try an older woman for a while. And because of the age difference there's an expectation that it is not going to lead to a relationship. If your primary desire is for physical intimacy, it might be more likely found with a younger guy. I've heard the staying power of older guys is not good.
 siisaa
Joined: 8/6/2017
Msg: 9
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choosing-between casual dating and intimate monogamy
Posted: 11/20/2018 11:41:44 AM
I'd rather forgo sex altogether than have a string of casual flings. If I am single and not dating anyone, there is no reason for me to have sex. With my current boyfriend, I was celibate for a year before we had sex and not because I couldn't get it....I didn't want it unless it was a person who I saw long-term potential with & vice versa. I had plenty of offers in that year-long drought but they were guys I had no future with. Although I was attracted to a few of them, I could tell by their behavior towards me they wouldn't have been anything more than a fling.
 dragonbytes
Joined: 9/15/2015
Msg: 10
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choosing-between casual dating and intimate monogamy
Posted: 11/21/2018 9:11:51 PM

I'd rather forgo sex altogether than have a string of casual flings. If I am single and not dating anyone, there is no reason for me to have sex. With my current boyfriend, I was celibate for a year before we had sex


Well, I was celibate for 7 years. Not that I had a huge choice.
 ssm508
Joined: 5/27/2018
Msg: 11
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choosing-between casual dating and intimate monogamy
Posted: 11/22/2018 8:33:01 AM

Have you ever tried dating someone way younger? I've heard that there's a lot of younger guys who are willing to try an older woman for a while. And because of the age difference there's an expectation that it is not going to lead to a relationship. If your primary desire is for physical intimacy, it might be more likely found with a younger guy. I've heard the staying power of older guys is not good.


Not a bad idea. But the most important thing is being upfront about she is looking for. I'm sure there are also men around her age that would be fine with casual and/or FWB relationship. Viagra or something similar to that can help these men with "performance". LOL.


I'd rather forgo sex altogether than have a string of casual flings. If I am single and not dating anyone, there is no reason for me to have sex.


I'm somewhere in the middle. I don't need to have a constant string of casual and/or FWB relationships with any woman that is interested in me when I have been single for a long time. But I'm not always going to turn down a chance for casual sex just because I am single and unlikely to seriously date a woman.
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 12
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choosing-between casual dating and intimate monogamy
Posted: 11/22/2018 8:38:07 AM

siisaa
I had plenty of offers in that year-long drought

Now this is definitely a young person speaking. One year does not constitute a drought! (smile)

dragonbytes
Well, I was celibate for 7 years. Not that I had a huge choice

Now THAT would constitute a drought.

This is not the kind of thing that I have kept records on, so I can’t say for certain, but I don’t believe I’ve ever gone a full year with no sex at all. What I did experience was a period of about 10 years where I only had sex once every few months, maybe 2, 3, 4 times a year. Depends on how long before I got desperate enough to ask for and accept a pity f___.

A really, really bad thing. Destroyed my morale, my self-respect, left me with a bad case of chronic depression that required 7 months of therapy to get over. And the worst part? It was all on my head, no one to blame but me. I was not locked in a cage, no one held a gun to my head.

Ah, well, my life is pretty good now. No complaints.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 13
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choosing-between casual dating and intimate monogamy
Posted: 11/22/2018 8:41:43 AM

siisaa
I'd rather forgo sex altogether than have a string of casual flings. If I am single and not dating anyone, there is no reason for me to have sex. With my current boyfriend, I was celibate for a year before we had sex and not because I couldn't get it....I didn't want it unless it was a person who I saw long-term potential with & vice versa. I had plenty of offers in that year-long drought but they were guys I had no future with. Although I was attracted to a few of them, I could tell by their behavior towards me they wouldn't have been anything more than a fling.

This is not a binary choice, 0 or 1, yes or no. This is an analog choice, there are an infinite number of “Shades of Grey”, not just 50. The choice is not just between “casual flings” or “committed LTR”. And you, siisaa, know that quite well. I’m not really sure why you posted the above?
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 14
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choosing-between casual dating and intimate monogamy
Posted: 11/22/2018 10:26:14 AM
LOL, I was "celibate" for the last half of my 2nd marriage. Following the divorce I just simply went on with my life, without a man, without sex. All together I went 11 years, "without". No particular reason, just the way the ball bounced. I was happy, lots of friend,s plenty to do. When my dry spell came to an end, A FWB. Worked very well until he claimed he loved me. No, ………….
Then I started dating...……...I was ready for the, "Whole enchilada." I became a woman on a mission. Seek and find a man with a mind set like mine. Found him!
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 15
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choosing-between casual dating and intimate monogamy
Posted: 11/22/2018 10:58:10 AM
Since I lost my v-card at the age of 24, I probably never went more than a week without sex except after I had each of my kids so about 2 months each time. As much as I did not like my ex, we had sex an awful lot. I rarely initiated but I didn't refuse, much of the time it was a chore for me though. And hate sex is actually not that bad tbh, lol. Anyways, I went without sex for over 3 months last year and it was very hard. It started to get so that every guy I walked by in my age range I pictured doing it with. These last 5 months I've had sex at least 6 times a month. It would be more but the guy is gone 3 weeks and comes back 3 weeks and we only get together twice a week when he's here. I really think I just have a really hyper sex drive. Its been that way forever except post-natally for like 6 months at a time. I wonder if it will go away in a few years.
 siisaa
Joined: 8/6/2017
Msg: 16
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choosing-between casual dating and intimate monogamy
Posted: 11/22/2018 1:23:30 PM

And you, siisaa, know that quite well. I’m not really sure why you posted the above?


The same reason why anyone would share their viewpoints and experience in here, that's what the forum is largely based on. A lot of poon-hounds don't like it when a woman exercises some self-restraint and discrimination because they see women as just a hot wet hole. Those are exactly the types of men that should be weeded out, thank you very much.

My number is quite high for someone my age and the vast majority of those men didn't mean anything (and vice versa). When I was engaging in flings, I had intense self-loathing, low self-esteem and no self-respect, which is why I was acting the way I was. I'm the kind of person who learns from my mistakes and hook-ups did nothing to improve the self-loathing. In fact, it make it worse.

If I could go back in time and "un****" people, I'd get rid of about 13 of them, which would leave my number at less than 4.
 lnitia
Joined: 10/11/2018
Msg: 17
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choosing-between casual dating and intimate monogamy
Posted: 11/22/2018 9:27:09 PM
At 52 my numbers need not be shared- i have never looked at any man as a sex object- now not saying i have not had plenty of casual sex- yes in my 52 yrs i have had men as much as 20 yrs younger-28 yrs older-long distance ltr- lived with three men (separately of course) for several yrs each time, and chosen celibacy also; two years-7 years- lol. In my mid 30's and again in my early forties i dated younger men- I found very little in common with the much younger men(i dated in my forties), as I like to burst out in lyrics from a favorite song (or a popular commercial quote)when it fits the situation or conversation: When the youthful respond with: "what the hell are you saying- talking about" giving a brief generational history lesson is not fun!! I do not want to be someone's date at a college kegger or girlfriend (lol)-I have been asked very sweet younger men.. I do just have to figure it out ( totally on board with honesty- i have real trouble lying)- because, i find a long term committed relationship most appealing-It is just very hard to even get to the place where i want to share sex, if i choose to get to know them?? So the initial interest does not sustain, once we fail to have commonalities that could sustain a ltr sex is off the table and as we didn't introduce it early no forced relationship till something better for us comes along. That is what i mean about serial monogamy, space fillers in more ways than one yuck
Thank you everybody your input is very welcome-it is pretty personal: you all have been very sensitive to that fact, and helpful!! All good stuff to consider
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 18
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choosing-between casual dating and intimate monogamy
Posted: 11/23/2018 12:01:28 AM
What I think this all comes down to, if I understand you correctly, is how you envision your life and relationship, as it is happening, but even more so, in a larger sense of respecting how you conduct your own life.

You want to enjoy yourself, but you want to like and think positively of yourself as a person, as you are enjoying.

One of the great fundamental challenges all of us have to deal with on some level, is figuring out who to try to please, and more importantly, WHY we should try to please them. The periodic ego-fad (which I've witnessed rising and falling like a pulsing tide in the US several times over my six decades) of proclaiming that pleasing oneself is the greatest and only accomplishment, invariably proves hollow to everyone who tries to make it work. Not because it's wrong to please yourself, but because the logic of it actually fails. The only reason to adopt the "My pleasures always come first!" attitude, is, for most people, actually a backhanded way to try to impress others with our bravado or careless personal strength.

What it appears you are proposing, is to try to "manually" set your sights lower than you have previously wanted to, in hopes of finding satisfaction by hitting a more readily achieved goal. That is, by ending your search for a true long term mate, and declaring that you positively WANT, the short flings that you have been finding.

That sounds a lot like a romance version of what my cat so often does, when she tries to leap from the counter to the sofa and misses by a foot...and then preens and behaves as though the tumble to the floor was her original intent all along. Not exactly sour grapes, more like an attempt at romantic revenge, against the gods of love themselves.

I'm not saying you shouldn't do that, just that it will only work if it's really what you respect. For myself, despite the search for a long term real mate being as insanely difficult as it is, I will stay with the so-far fruitless effort anyway, because that is what I know that I truly believe in.
 lnitia
Joined: 10/11/2018
Msg: 19
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choosing-between casual dating and intimate monogamy
Posted: 11/23/2018 12:23:04 AM
I see a relationship over 5 yrs as long term- yes indeed lowering my standards- because quite frankly I can't even make it out on a date-so no romantic revenge here-can't challenge the god's of love if never have a date cause "i'am too picky"- lol- just sitting at home watching my roku and writing poetry-doing tons of home repairs- and hanging with family and friends-enjoying life but would like to have coffee and a chat-yes i would indeed need lower those standards- besides not looking for marriage never have been
 SiennaBear2
Joined: 12/2/2017
Msg: 20
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choosing-between casual dating and intimate monogamy
Posted: 11/23/2018 3:59:57 AM

It started to get so that every guy I walked by in my age range I pictured doing it with. These last 5 months I've had sex at least 6 times a month. I really think I just have a really hyper sex drive
6 times a month isn't really hyper, 6 times a day (every day) yea. Even 3 times a day is kind of a lot. Or if the sex is for massive durations of time and frequent, like 5 hrs idunno.
Picturing doing it with a lot of guys is a bit hyper though. Especially if you thought about it a lot and for long durations.
 HUMHUMA
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 21
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choosing-between casual dating and intimate monogamy
Posted: 11/24/2018 3:32:07 AM
While I'm on here for an FWB situation and say so in the body of my profile do get some responses.....but in saying that I am looking for a woman who knows what she wants ad doesn't play the game so to speak thinking she would convert me to let's say marriage or even living together....they are out there....I try to be out front about everything and also try not to be an advertisement like some here are for the business....lol....I AM looking for a monogamous FWB and in saying that see women who have been on here for quite some time and while I can't figure what their angle is....just laugh and stay here for the forums and entertainment.....
 MyTrueCompanion
Joined: 9/20/2018
Msg: 22
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choosing-between casual dating and intimate monogamy
Posted: 11/24/2018 5:24:12 AM

poon-hounds don't like it when a woman exercises some self-restraint and discrimination because they see women as just a hot wet hole. Those are exactly the types of men that should be weeded out, thank you very much.


+1
 PennyAnte
Joined: 4/17/2016
Msg: 23
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choosing-between casual dating and intimate monogamy
Posted: 11/24/2018 1:37:17 PM
" a monogamous FWB " that is a girlfriend. That is not an FWB. If you want exclusive you will most likely find yourself in the trappings of a "relationship"... you are playing yourself thinking that FWB is more than what it implies.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 24
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choosing-between casual dating and intimate monogamy
Posted: 11/24/2018 7:19:08 PM

6 times a month isn't really hyper, 6 times a day (every day) yea. Even 3 times a day is kind of a lot. Or if the sex is for massive durations of time and frequent, like 5 hrs idunno.
Picturing doing it with a lot of guys is a bit hyper though. Especially if you thought about it a lot and for long durations.


I know 6 times is not a lot which is why I think about sex so much. I wish I could have sex every day but that's not gonna happen right now because I am so busy with life and the guy that I am sleeping with is gone over half the time and busy himself. I did get some last night but that was after the 3-week drought. And as he is moving December 7, after that point I will be (ugh) celibate.
 SiennaBear2
Joined: 12/2/2017
Msg: 25
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choosing-between casual dating and intimate monogamy
Posted: 11/24/2018 7:50:16 PM
That makes sense. You could try a estrogen birth control pill, they really kill sex drives lol.
For some reason my sex drive is not insanely high but it's probably because I gorge on soy products.
It was annoying when it was too high.
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