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 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 1
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How long did it take to get your divorce/separation finalized and move on with your life?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
How long did it take you to have everything finalized?

I was never officially married but where I live, if you live with someone and have a baby with that person, as soon as the birth certificate gets signed, you automatically become common law spouses. The only real major difference legally, when it comes to being married verses common law, is that there is a requirement for a divorce paper declaring a marriage is dissolved. About 22% of couples in their 30s (my age group) in Canada, are common law as opposed to married.

The above all being said, I have encountered what is everything but in name really, a divorce. Legally, I guess I would be considered separated. I have been separated for 14.5 months now and I am still getting stuff figured out. Still having to get my custody/child support stuff figured out, basically its a waiting game with the courts. I delayed doing anything for 8 months but then my ex kept my kids and I had to get a police custody order to get them back. Now I am required to get a permanent police enforceable custody order so when they visit him, he will be required to bring them back. This past Tuesday he was given joint custody with visits one weekend per month. My lawyer is currently haggling trying to get him to pay my gas to drive 6 hours to exchange the kids. I really can't afford to drive that every month. It costs about $90 to drive them and it was his decision to move that far away plus I have concerns with my time being taken up doing so, especially because I work many evening shifts on Fridays. My ex asked for every 4th weekend specifically and if I have to drive every 4th Friday evening I'd be required to take time off of work sometimes which is stupid. The other thing that plays into this is that I was denied child support based on my ex trying to declare a disability, that he is unable to work due to a leg injury which happened last year from shooting himself in the leg. The judge delayed a child support ruling for another 6 months pending the disability support decision. I think its a crock because my ex was a constant applicant to worker's compensation and disability support programs for years, even before I met him. He is really just lazy.

My own parents fought for years during their separation/divorce. It actually took them 10 years to finally get divorced. I was just curious, with other people in this forum who have gotten separated/divorced with kids, how long did it take to get the legal stuff figured? And how long after your split did you start dating and how did it go the first couple of years?
 OneWingedLion
Joined: 11/11/2018
Msg: 2
How long did it take to get your divorce/separation finalized and move on with your life?
Posted: 11/18/2018 9:21:03 AM

How long did it take to get your divorce/separation finalized and move on with your life?


It depends upon how wise you and your partner are. That is why it is so important, when you choose a partner, do not pick a partner whom can give good sex, but a partner with an happy ending.

You can figure out a good image of a good ending person via her/his ending stories with previous relationships. If a woman/man called 911 or having restraining order against their partners, it is a RED Flag. So, leave the pie and run away.

If the man/woman had a running bad mouth about previous relationships with his/her ex-partners, RED Flag, run away. S/he is going to do the same with you. You are not an exception. I mean if s/he kept talking about how bad or abuser her/his partner is to get your sympathy, pay the check, order her a cab, and never contact him/her.

I knew a friend fantasized the divorce in 3 weeks, and others in 3 years.

If you feel you cannot move on, ask for treatment immediately.

Never ever enter into a relationship that has no exit.
 johnfromzelie
Joined: 3/8/2018
Msg: 3
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How long did it take to get your divorce/separation finalized and move on with your life?
Posted: 11/18/2018 9:55:23 AM

If you feel you cannot move on, ask for treatment immediately.
yes, definitely get some counseling/therapy. my divorce took over 3 years, selling the house took a couple more. court ordered mediation lasted a full 10 years, paying off all the debts took 14 years! after having my kids ripped from my life, getting forced out of my home, losing over a million in assets, destroying my bussiness and ending up 1/4 million in debt/homeless, I ended up in counseling myself. it did not fix any of that but put me in a better position to accept it and move on.
 OneWingedLion
Joined: 11/11/2018
Msg: 4
How long did it take to get your divorce/separation finalized and move on with your life?
Posted: 11/18/2018 10:00:54 AM

yes, definitely get some counseling/therapy. my divorce took over 3 years, selling the house took a couple more. court ordered mediation lasted a full 10 years, paying off all the debts took 14 years! after having my kids ripped from my life, getting forced out of my home, losing over a million in assets, destroying my bussiness and ending up 1/4 million in debt/homeless, I ended up in counseling myself. it did not fix any of that but put me in a better position to accept it and move on.


May I ask you a questions?

If there is a draft resolution in MN to chance the laws to be become more justified for men, would you support it?
 johnfromzelie
Joined: 3/8/2018
Msg: 5
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How long did it take to get your divorce/separation finalized and move on with your life?
Posted: 11/18/2018 10:06:56 AM

May I ask you a questions?

If there is a draft resolution in MN to chance the laws to be become more justified for men, would you support it?
probably, but would depend on how they changed them. fair, definitely, loopholes and political games, not so much. besides, I am in pa.
 2ufo
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 6
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How long did it take to get your divorce/separation finalized and move on with your life?
Posted: 11/18/2018 12:40:41 PM
It took me about 3 months.
But, I'd spent the previous year getting everything in order to present to the court.
I was also mentally ready to let go of everything and move on to the next portion of my life.
I had sorted everything into what was necessary and what was unnecessary.
I walked into the lawyer's office and told him what I wanted (full custody, no child support, no alimony) and he told me what I could get (partial custody, Texas requires child support according to a table, no alimony).

In Texas, the minimum divorce time is 61 days.
 PennyAnte
Joined: 4/17/2016
Msg: 7
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How long did it take to get your divorce/separation finalized and move on with your life?
Posted: 11/19/2018 9:50:00 AM
Pity for the children that they only get to see their father once a month. I would encourage him to try to make arrangements that give them more time with their father. Children need their fathers as much as they need the care and nurturing of their mothers. You don't trust his word, you have to come to terms with the fact that he is presenting as a disabled person and accept it. You are dismissing him as lazy and that is not very compassionate towards a man you loved enough to marry. You don't know his pain and you I am certain you would not want it. Once he gets disability compensation from whatever source than you will perhaps be awarded some amount of money. In the meantime you should strive to find a way to independently care for your children's needs without his help or monies.

"the laws to be become more justified for men, would you support it?"

The laws are biased against men and they need to be changed. Sometimes the woman is the abuser, the stalker, the criminal, the parent that neglects the child more but in the face of the system she is granted custody based on gender alone. The system is flawed and I have seen many children fall through the cracks in my years of teaching. Very sad.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 8
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How long did it take to get your divorce/separation finalized and move on with your life?
Posted: 11/19/2018 4:54:13 PM
When my ex and I had been together for 8 months, he applied for workers comp because he claimed he hurt his back. I was sympathetic then but soon I realized he was playing things up. He did end up getting denied. Then the next year at another job he tried to get workers comp for his knee. a couple years later it was his foot. And the next time it was his back again. He has actually physically hurt himself to get insurance payments, I kid you not.

He had a decent job delivering packages with his father here. He kept it for 11 months which was a record for him. He still did it after he'd recovered from his shooting accident. But he chose to move 6 hours away for his girlfriend and leave his kids. That was his choice. And he left his dad to try and manage their delivery contract on his own, all after his parents and taken out a loan for another delivery van for him which he quit making payments on too. And my ex had two jobs. The first one his sister told me he was fired at because he took too many smoke breaks and kept using his cellphone (she worked at the same place and had actually gotten him the job). The second job he quit for reasons unknown to me.

I know that no way in hell would I ever move 6 hours away from my kids for a man but he did for a woman. And even when he lived here, I offered him joint custody because I wanted to avoid paying a lawyer but though he initially agreed, he cancelled taking them a lot of the time. Now that he lives so far away he wants to see them more. But I do not have the money to do all the driving. And I suspect he's getting money under the table (my guess is drugdealing because he wanted me to let him do that a couple times over the years) because his girlfriend and him are renting an acreage and have a ton of pets and when my kids went out there the last two times he bought them a bunch of things for them to have when they go there. He is definitely not one of those hard done by dads if that was what you are thinking.
 LastNemeanLion
Joined: 11/17/2018
Msg: 9
How long did it take to get your divorce/separation finalized and move on with your life?
Posted: 11/20/2018 8:36:10 PM

When my ex and I had been together for 8 months, he applied for workers comp because he claimed he hurt his back. I was sympathetic then but soon I realized he was playing things up. He did end up getting denied. Then the next year at another job he tried to get workers comp for his knee. a couple years later it was his foot. And the next time it was his back again. He has actually physically hurt himself to get insurance payments, I kid you not.

He had a decent job delivering packages with his father here. He kept it for 11 months which was a record for him. He still did it after he'd recovered from his shooting accident. But he chose to move 6 hours away for his girlfriend and leave his kids. That was his choice. And he left his dad to try and manage their delivery contract on his own, all after his parents and taken out a loan for another delivery van for him which he quit making payments on too. And my ex had two jobs. The first one his sister told me he was fired at because he took too many smoke breaks and kept using his cellphone (she worked at the same place and had actually gotten him the job). The second job he quit for reasons unknown to me.

I know that no way in hell would I ever move 6 hours away from my kids for a man but he did for a woman. And even when he lived here, I offered him joint custody because I wanted to avoid paying a lawyer but though he initially agreed, he cancelled taking them a lot of the time. Now that he lives so far away he wants to see them more. But I do not have the money to do all the driving. And I suspect he's getting money under the table (my guess is drugdealing because he wanted me to let him do that a couple times over the years) because his girlfriend and him are renting an acreage and have a ton of pets and when my kids went out there the last two times he bought them a bunch of things for them to have when they go there. He is definitely not one of those hard done by dads if that was what you are thinking.


Look sister from another mister
We hear this story from one side. For fairness, it is important to hear his part of the story as well.
But, let us suppose all what you said was the only side of the truth.
How could you do that to your kids?
How could you get them a father like that?
 __TEXASCHICK__
Joined: 11/9/2011
Msg: 10
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How long did it take to get your divorce/separation finalized and move on with your life?
Posted: 11/25/2018 6:31:27 AM
This past Tuesday he was given joint custody with visits one weekend per month. My lawyer is currently haggling trying to get him to pay my gas to drive 6 hours to exchange the kids. I really can't afford to drive that every month. It costs about $90 to drive them and it was his decision to move that far away

^^^ I'll bet if/when that order comes in, he will either decide he does not want to see children often, or will move closer.
Ya sure should never stayed w/ him as long, especially in having child 3 w/ him.

In many States, the Court order is 1st, 3rd, 5th weekend, unless a distance and is the non custody person request on which weekend s/he wanted.
As mentioned above, here in Texas a divorce is done usually very quickly, in a few months.

Me, after a 10 yr Marriage, I didnt date for a year, mostly to focus on my healing and the needs of my daughter who was 7 when we divorced. My ex, after a few years met the one he was w/ for 17 years, wished him well in his choice of a new mate, and harbed no grudge, as my healing had been done. That 2nd spouse died last year, and was his soul mate.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 11
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How long did it take to get your divorce/separation finalized and move on with your life?
Posted: 11/25/2018 3:08:26 PM
Well, my ex contacted me to figure out the visit he gets with the kids for Christmas. The custody order states he gets the second half of the holidays this year (December 31 to January 7) but the dates can be moved around with my approval and my ex stated he really wanted to see them at Christmas. Last year he had them on Christmas Eve night at 9pm (after our church service) until December 31 which meant he got them Christmas morning and Christmas supper. This year, wanting my kids to feel like they got both families at Christmas, I tried to appease him. I proposed to him that I would drive and meet him halfway at noon on Christmas Day with the kids and I would let him have them until the last day of school holidays. He said no, that he wants Christmas morning with them. After arguing for a while via text (we don't speak on phone to each other) I wanted to reach some sort of compromise and said I could drive them on Christmas Eve night and meet him at 11pm at the halfway point, so he could have them for Christmas morning, to which he also refused. He insisted that I meet him at 8pm to which I said no. I said my family does their get-together on Christmas Eve with supper at 6pm, followed by presents after clean up and then dessert which wouldn't be done till at least 8pm. Then he said he would come pick them up at 6pm from my brother's house so I wouldn't have to drive them and I still said no because we would be busy then. He told me to tell my family to have our Christmas Eve supper earlier and I said no. Then he said he will be there at 6pm and he will be taking the kids and they will go with them and I can't stop them or the kids will be upset. I told him if I see him before 8 then I will be phoning the police. He then said it was my last chance to agree with things or he would contact his lawyer which in turn would cost me more money with my lawyer. He knows full well money is a big concern for me. I didn't answer this text but two mornings later my lawyer phoned me telling me he received a phone call from my ex's lawyer with the request and my lawyer said I was being way too generous because according to the custody agreement I was only required to give him the second half of the kids's Christmas school holidays this year plus I was not required to drive them unless my ex gives me gas money beforehand. I said I wanted my kids to get to see their dad at Christmas so he could have them Christmas supper. My lawyer told me not to let myself be bullied but I said I am doing it for my kids. But now I won't meet him halfway there, instead he will have to do the entire drive which is a 12 hour round trip. I am just wondering and worried now that my ex will constantly be bringing issues he has with me up with his lawyer (free legal aid lawyer I must add) every time I won't give in to him.
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 12
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How long did it take to get your divorce/separation finalized and move on with your life?
Posted: 11/25/2018 5:07:39 PM
Why don't you listen to YOUR lawyer? Grow a back bone and follow your lawyers advice.
 __TEXASCHICK__
Joined: 11/9/2011
Msg: 13
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 spot4username
Joined: 12/15/2015
Msg: 14
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How long did it take to get your divorce/separation finalized and move on with your life?
Posted: 11/26/2018 1:44:43 AM
^^^
She complains about how much the lawyer cost. Lawyer gives her professional advice/opinion. She ignores it. She goes against it. She complains. She makes excuses. Rinse. Repeat.

Go ahead and ignore the custody order put in place. Set a precedence. Then wonder why he wins in he future.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 15
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How long did it take to get your divorce/separation finalized and move on with your life?
Posted: 11/26/2018 7:20:12 AM
But I felt guilty with the kids not getting to see their dad at Christmas and I worry about the story he would tell them about how I wouldn't let the kids spend Christmas with him. And I was trying to keep lawyers out of it. Damned if you do and damned if you don't.
 Spectrallight
Joined: 9/14/2018
Msg: 16
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How long did it take to get your divorce/separation finalized and move on with your life?
Posted: 11/26/2018 8:04:09 AM

But I felt guilty with the kids not getting to see their dad at Christmas and I worry about the story he would tell them about how I wouldn't let the kids spend Christmas with him. And I was trying to keep lawyers out of it. Damned if you do and damned if you don't.


You're 100 percent your own worst enemy! You stick to the order 100% as it gives the children stability. They know where the stand. Do not send mixed signals to them and him.

Do not fall for his mind games. Instruct your lawyer to instruct his that unless there is a problem with the order not being followed then he should not contact you as you don't like his threatening demeanor.
 johnfromzelie
Joined: 3/8/2018
Msg: 17
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How long did it take to get your divorce/separation finalized and move on with your life?
Posted: 11/26/2018 8:29:21 AM
their dad is the one preventing it! you offered to alter the COURT ORDERED AGREEMENT to his advantage but he wanted more, all or nothing. hold your ground and maybe next year, he will be more agreeable. you tried, he demanded more. obviously court intervention is needed so follow that to the letter. this advice is coming from a farther that fought long and hard to get what courts already awarded him. any deviation is a gift and in your situation, an invite to manipulate you. my advice, do EXACTLY as the order states and NEVER deviate from it unless in writing! if you agree to send them early and pick up early, he has the upper hand and can legally keep them the extra days he traded.
 Carnival_Fishing
Joined: 10/2/2018
Msg: 18
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How long did it take to get your divorce/separation finalized and move on with your life?
Posted: 11/26/2018 11:21:54 AM
I get the feeling, that if July's ex was to say to her, he dumped his girlfriend and came crawling back and asked to get back together, July would do it. She keeps defending his actions, and is afraid of not having a man in her life. Plus, familiarity breeds contempt. I've heard the same story many times, about other women who said they would never get back with their ex, and lo and behold, a lot of them are back with their ex.
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 19
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How long did it take to get your divorce/separation finalized and move on with your life?
Posted: 11/26/2018 11:35:28 AM
It took 3 months after it was filed. Quick, cheap, and easy since I only had to sign the paperwork. She did all of the work on it and it was uncontested.
 2ufo
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 20
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How long did it take to get your divorce/separation finalized and move on with your life?
Posted: 11/26/2018 11:47:07 AM
July...

This is someone who you classify as narcissistic and self-absorbed.
Do you really think he wants the kids Christmas Day to make them happy?
Really?
Really?

Tell your lawyer to tell his lawyer that you do not want any more communication with him.
That the custody order stands as it is written.
Put your lawyer and the police on speed dial.
Do not text him.
Tell your children the truth. Use small words but they are not too young to understand manipulation. If you let him manipulate you (and you are) then your children will also learn to manipulate you.

Yeah, I can see her going back to him within a year.
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 21
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How long did it take to get your divorce/separation finalized and move on with your life?
Posted: 11/26/2018 2:09:45 PM
I can positively, absolutely, without a seconds hesitation say, my son and daughter appreciate my back bone.
Children learn the meaning of LOVE, when they TRUST.
TRUST,...………... a parent will DO as they say.
TRUST, .........….a parent will go to any length to protect them.

Trust...…..the parent will not give into guilt or manipulation. "Worry and guilt". (Waste of time and brain cells)


BE the parent...………... you wished and hoped, your parents could have been for you.


ETA, July, Pay attention to others here. I may have missed it but I'm not seeing ANYONE who agrees with you.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 22
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How long did it take to get your divorce/separation finalized and move on with your life?
Posted: 11/26/2018 6:00:17 PM
There is zero chance I would ever get back with him. Many women who get back with losers do it because they say they "love him". For me that love never existed, I daydreamed about breaking up with him since the month we got together and I spent the last couple years with him fantasizing about his death. I do know I need to grow a better backbone though. I've actually gotten better at dealing with him the last few months. What really concerns me is how my kids feel. I see them having all these false ideals about their father and I feel really bad about it. I have all these memories of how I felt as a kid when my dad left our family for a new woman. My oldest in particular is really upset by all this. She lashes out at me so much, angry because she thinks I'm the reason her dad left them and that I'm keeping her dad from them. She's been seeing a counsellor. I think she knows that her dad isn't great but because she's with me, she focusses her anger on me.
 spot4username
Joined: 12/15/2015
Msg: 23
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How long did it take to get your divorce/separation finalized and move on with your life?
Posted: 11/27/2018 3:26:01 AM

My oldest in particular is really upset by all this. She lashes out at me so much, angry because she thinks I'm the reason her dad left them and that I'm keeping her dad from them. She's been seeing a counsellor. I think she knows that her dad isn't great but because she's with me, she focusses her anger on me.

You ARE the reason he left. By your own design. You have said in this forum that you more or less drove him to have an affair so he would leave. You have said it more than once. It was what you wanted. You made it happen. You and your children are reaping what you sowed - from beginning to end.

Now you say you are jealous of his skinny new girlfriend. You are jealous and angry about his situation.

Your children saw your behavior when you wanted the separation. They see your behavior now. Of course they are angry. Of course they are confused. They can get all the therapy in the world but if they come home to such dysfunction they have little chance of being less messed up than you are.
 Carnival_Fishing
Joined: 10/2/2018
Msg: 24
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How long did it take to get your divorce/separation finalized and move on with your life?
Posted: 11/27/2018 6:08:45 AM

I daydreamed about breaking up with him since the month we got together and I spent the last couple years with him fantasizing about his death.


It sounds like you should join your daughter in getting counseling. You daydreamed about breaking up with him from the very beginning, but you were willing to have 3 kids with him anyway. And then you fantasized about his death. Is that what's best for your kids? Bonkers is all I can say about it.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 25
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How long did it take to get your divorce/separation finalized and move on with your life?
Posted: 11/27/2018 6:30:55 AM
I have gotten jealous of his girlfriend, yes, but its because my kids look up to her and for months and months they went on and on about how beautiful she was, how cool she was, etc.

I will admit I did hope he would find someone else so that I could be rid of him. He wouldn't let me break up with him and I was too scared to do it on my own. It was just the way in which he did it that made me angry. We found a rent-to-own, a nice house and yard in my home village (population 300) and I actually thought maybe things were turning around. He had been acting nicer of late. And I loved the house and yard. I was so happy to register my kids in my old school. But then he moved his girlfriend right in with me and the kids and I was forced to be the one to leave. I had dreamt of coming back to my hometown for years and then he did that and everyone in town knew about it and it was so humiliating. Why the hell couldn't he have broken up before we moved? And why couldn't he have just moved somewhere with his girlfriend rather than moving her into my home? All in front of our kids. While the anger and sadness is not nearly so raw now, it is still there.
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