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 downtera76
Joined: 2/9/2009
Msg: 1
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If looks do matter.Page 1 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
I've been on POF for quite sometime and I've yet to find the right person. Seems it doesn't matter if I have plenty of things in common with a woman and trying to make my profile as presentable as possible, it mostly seems to fall flat. I figured maybe my looks could be one of the factors. I try to make the best with what I have, I'm not perfect, but I can't be that horrible either. I'm at the point I don't know what women look for anymore and that we could have a million things in common, they would still not be interested. Life is too short.
 Spectrallight
Joined: 9/14/2018
Msg: 2
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If looks do matter.
Posted: 11/25/2018 10:29:29 AM
Have you ever considered there isn't anything wrong with you? POF is a game to lots of people. The game they don't want to stop. Lots of women don't get dates either so maybe if both men and women stopped being stupid and get in their own leagues then maybe they wouldn't be so unhappy.
 __TEXASCHICK__
Joined: 11/9/2011
Msg: 3
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If looks do matter.
Posted: 11/25/2018 1:03:39 PM
Switch out the default pic with the one in the yellow shirt. its a really good one. In fact crop it to shoulders/chest and use it, as well as keep the original one, as it shows you are fit.

Best of luck,, btw maybe try getting women in your Huge city.
 Natey2
Joined: 7/4/2011
Msg: 4
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If looks do matter.
Posted: 11/25/2018 5:45:40 PM

I've been on POF for quite sometime and I've yet to find the right person.

There's no "right" person, but there are varying degrees of "wrong" persons.

Almost everybody on these dating sites has a list of people they want, in preferential order.

You (nobody specifically) are not going to get your #1 choice partner on your list.
And your #1 partner is not going to get his/her #1 choice/partner on his/her list.
Because we all want something better which we often can't get.
So we move on to the next person down on our list, etc.

We all have to compromise, find someone who is fairly compatible, and convince them that they were always their #1 choice.


Being with another requires a compromise.
If you find someone 75% compatible, you'll need to work on compromising the other 25%.
If you find someone 90% compatible, you'll only need to work on compromising the other 10%.

People who wait for 99% or higher compatibility in a partner may just end up waiting forever for the "right" person.

If we don't want to compromise, we should remain single.


Just my opinions. Your mileage may vary.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 5
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If looks do matter.
Posted: 11/25/2018 6:16:33 PM
There is no reason for anyone to think they aren't goodlooking enough, or built right, etc., taste is very individual, just be yourself. Beating yourself up is just a defense mechanism people use. You know what attracts you, or you will figure it out, and you know some will be attracted to you. If the world was only meant for certain looking people, human beings would have died off by now. Some people find someone right away while others have to really hunt, some people reject everyone while others accept completely wrong people, there's no accounting for taste.
 LeFouGamboj
Joined: 11/17/2018
Msg: 6
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If looks do matter.
Posted: 11/25/2018 7:34:31 PM
At OP

Keep in mind that with OLD....all precepts of what should be logical (and make sense)... all fly out the window.
There might have been a time when OLD was an effective way of meeting people you could not otherwise meet, but it has evolved into a less hospitable means over the years....due to multiple reasons!

My advice has been to never give up on IRL dating...the tried and true way that stands the test of time!
 mahwahgirl339114
Joined: 10/31/2017
Msg: 7
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If looks do matter.
Posted: 11/25/2018 10:16:48 PM
Daynadaze above is on point. And looks matter enormously OP and you've got lucky cards. The goatee beard things looks good on you, work your photos. There is a book I own where several relationship experts step away from simple structured books of advice and share essays about their marriage and love experiences, and focus on the very heart of love. It says on the 1st page that 99% of a food foundation for a good relationship is none other than chemistry. It may be arguable but... most other things are fixable when chemistry flogs you to go and make yourself better.
 flowersinthelake
Joined: 5/11/2018
Msg: 8
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If looks do matter.
Posted: 11/26/2018 5:12:33 AM
Your age restrictions/preferences and your lack of real relationship experience are holding you back.

You are in your forties and you will NOT be number one catch for a 23-year-old woman. Be realistic.
 whiterose0
Joined: 2/3/2009
Msg: 9
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If looks do matter.
Posted: 11/26/2018 8:09:16 AM
The OP can't contact a 23-year-old woman to begin with, due to the site imposed +/-14 year age restrictions. Also, his main picture is unflattering. It makes him look heavier than he really is.
 purplerider1200
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 10
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If looks do matter.
Posted: 11/26/2018 8:49:17 AM

Your age restrictions/preferences and your lack of real relationship experience are holding you back.


Lack of, is a real hinderance. Women won't look at you as formable. They see it as a huge drawback. No amount of talk will help. It's worse as you age. Trying harder makes you look desperate. It's a pain. This is where you find out how exceptionally cruel women are. Some get positively vicious. All understanding goes out the window, because they don't want to sympathize with you. This is where mental cruelty comes from.

I, sorta suspect that in some cases, this is when some women get physically battered. They've pushed the man to the point of breaking, and he does. I've heard women say things to men, that most men wouldn't allow other men to say to them. We keep our big bazoos shut around other guys, because we know.

That one hovers near the top of my list, of things I don't like about women. If I hear it, then they are treading on thin ice. I'll move on, I don't need that.
 BaldwinMotionPhaseIII
Joined: 10/15/2018
Msg: 11
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If looks do matter.
Posted: 11/26/2018 11:11:32 AM
the type of female stranger we first notice when we enter a room, is the one who spent the most time on her looks (or the one who is genetically beautiful, and likely young). Most times, she expects a partner to put in as much effort on his appearance. and why not? we all can have friends, but shouldn't a lover excite us, energize us? don't we want to feel passionate? the thing or person we invest the most in, is the one who makes us feel the most alive. We don't spend a fortune to restore a four door honda, but will a corvette--but which car is more practical?

"There is no reason for anyone to think they aren't goodlooking enough, or built right, etc., taste is very individual"

>>>I have to respectfully disagree. I've met only a few women who sought personality over looks, and around here at least, they were looking for a man to be a mensche. they had too much anxiety to hold a high paying job, drive in traffic, etc, and they wanted a man who was a type of father figure for them. but otherwise, the general consensus is, we want to thrill in seeing our partner naked. we'll overlook other aspects of their personality if they just make our organs and nerves sing. we want our breath taken away. last week, one of those women who told me she only dates for personality, saw the movie Mama Mia with me, and marveled at how good the male actors still looked--and in the next sentence, criticized those who put looks first. seems like "chemistry" still had an influence on her.

"if the world was meant for only certain looking people, humans would have died off by now"

>>>like all other living creatures, we exist to not dilute the gene pool. we tend to seek the young, virile, partners if we are hoping to date for healthy reasons, not to get back the love daddy denied us or to have somone take care of us, etc. chances are we may die sooner from how we screw the environment, than how we screw our partners. and part of that may be due to overpopulation--so certain looking people seem to be doing their part in procreation.

there is a lid for every jar, it is true. but how long do you wish to look for that lid? are you willing to enjoy having some "plastic wrap and a rubber band" a few times until that lid comes along? when we're older, we may be looking for that perfect lid, but when we're younger and just want to be recognized in life...we're willing to settle for less a lot of times :) of course, "settling" is relative. a woman who is a nine, can settle for an eight. someone who is far closer to average, may find settling isn't creating any chemistry, but just filling the bed with a warm body.

a man's lack of relationship experience hurts with women who want him to lead, and sweep them off her feet. it hurts with women looking for social proof--if other women didn't seduce him or push him into a relationship, why should she want to? but otherwise...he is what he is, and if he's attractive, then they'll do what has to be done to get the pleasure they seek. they don't get pleasure from letting the man do all the work of romancing, they are "hands on"--literally and figuratively. they get things done in life, and don't let the roadblocks get in the way of something they really want.
 Inner_circle
Joined: 7/11/2015
Msg: 12
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If looks do matter.
Posted: 11/26/2018 1:00:19 PM
Looks are important- they will get you in the door so to speak.

Here is where OLD is diff from real life.

In real life a man whose looks may not appeal to the masses, can sway a woman's eye by a scent he chooses, or if she hears his laugh and finds it sexy. You cannot do that online.

Just don't put all of your eggs in one basket. Get out n real life while checking your profile/emails here.
 Natey2
Joined: 7/4/2011
Msg: 13
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If looks do matter.
Posted: 11/27/2018 7:02:23 AM
I've seen beautiful and much younger trophy wives of much older and not-so-attractive men in some social circles.
So much for the theory of attractiveness of men.
Having a lot of money is a good substitute for attractiveness in many cases.
 BaldwinMotionPhaseIII
Joined: 10/15/2018
Msg: 14
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If looks do matter.
Posted: 11/27/2018 7:58:17 AM
we tend to notice the trophy wives, and other exceptions to the rule, since they stand out from the norm. we fail to consciously notice relationships that follow the norm, since they are....perfectly normal.

wealth attracts women who only want to earn it with their looks, not their brains. if they come out ahead, then they may have made a good-enough decision. but others want to earn it in other ways.
 twoish
Joined: 9/21/2018
Msg: 15
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If looks do matter.
Posted: 11/27/2018 2:44:04 PM
[If looks do matter]
I'm a woman, I have met some with wonderful personalities. Some had the same interest, same kind of goals. Had money, knew how to have fun. But, there was always this emotional connection, this desire factor missing. Some had the sexual attractiveness but was missing the other....I want the yin and the yang....a balance. Looks do matter, but I have very rarely come across someone who I based everything on their looks. And, I believe women "do" know what they want. I choose all my relationships very carefully. I have been single for awhile and say that there's no hurry to have a partner. I think if I could advise my younger self, I would just say: calm down and just have fun. Everything in it's time.
 ssm508
Joined: 5/27/2018
Msg: 16
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If looks do matter.
Posted: 11/28/2018 8:34:55 PM
Pictures and stats are often the most important things with OLD. A man often also needs to exactly match a long list of requirements. Using the OP as an example, some women won't be interested because he is 5'11" (instead of 6 feet) or because he doesn't have a college degree.
 oldwxman
Joined: 7/22/2018
Msg: 17
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If looks do matter.
Posted: 11/29/2018 4:55:33 AM
OP, let me give it to you straight. You can't find the right person because she doesn't exist and never has. No man with your kind of self doubt could ever be satisfied by any woman that has ever been born. You will try to make her atone for all of the slights that other women have inflicted upon you... and considering your age, I know that they are many. Too many for even a near perfect woman to cope with.

Is there anything that you can do about it? Maybe. As someone who has always been as arrogant as Lucifer, I am the wrong person to give you any useful advice.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 18
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If looks do matter.
Posted: 11/29/2018 7:16:07 AM
This is where meeting in real life is more beneficial. I have developed crushes on guys irl that I probably would never have online. Usually because I was spending a fair bit of time around the guy and I grew to like his personality and it made me become more attracted to him over time. This cannot happen when meeting online though because when you meet in person after setting a date from online, you need attraction to exist ahead of time because your specifically meeting for the purpose of dating. But when you meet not for that purpose there's no pressure so attraction has time to develop. There's been studies that show what happens when only one man is surrounded by many women or a few men surrounded by many women and vise versa and the results showed that both men and women can develop attraction to people they weren't originally attracted to over time if there are not any or too few of the opposite sex around. I know in my university, which had 70% females, and 90% females in the arts and social sciences degrees, that there were many guys in the arts/social sciences degrees that alwayz had girlfriends who were often way above the league you'd expect.
 BaldwinMotionPhaseIII
Joined: 10/15/2018
Msg: 19
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If looks do matter.
Posted: 11/29/2018 7:46:59 AM
"looks do matter, but rarely have i chosen a partner based solely on looks"

>>it seems to me, what women complain most about their partners, has to do with that man's personality and character. If personality trumped appearance, i suspect women would get it right, at the very beginning, and perhaps complain more about appearance, the matter they didn't bother to look at so much ("why can't he lose more weight?").

i certainly don't blame women, or anyone else, for wanting to spend their spare time with someone who excites them. I'm willing to bet, however, the stranger they're willing to get to know better in order to choose based on personality...is the hot one. :) the average looking fellow may blend in with the wallpaper, or if he imposes himself and turns out to be a good guy, becomes the friend.

my personal best luck in dating online, and meeting women who liked my personality as expressed thru forums (not these), was when i was willing to hop on an airline and use frequent flier miles to meet women from other states. I might recommend men use their miles from their credit cards (if they get bonus points) or maybe their AAA membership benefits to broaden their search.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 20
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If looks do matter.
Posted: 11/29/2018 12:13:43 PM
It also comes down to picking people in your league.

Yes, it's back to the league thing. Which some people here don't think exists.

Many people are going after people over their leagues. As a result they get burned or ignored over and over. Not sure what league you are in? Try sending messages and meeting up with women you think are below your league. If they respond, and the women you think are in your league don't, you know you've hit paydirt.

When I first came on POF, a lot of men messaged me. I was shocked cause I thought I'd get nada. But I messaged a couple guys back I thought were in my looks league and met them but I wasn't really attracted, not even to their personalities. So I upped my league and I still got hits. Eventually I hit a line where suddenly the guys were only interested in sex and that's when I figured out my league. So now when I'm on pof I only message guys back if I like their profile and if they are of what I consider average looks. Sometimes those average-looks guys surprise me though and turn out to be much-better-looking in person.
If looks do matter.
Posted: 11/29/2018 4:41:41 PM
^^^ I've been out of the loop lately. so what's up with the friends with benefits guy? Did he leave town or are you two an item now?
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 22
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If looks do matter.
Posted: 11/29/2018 8:44:40 PM
He's moving this weekend. I'm gonna say goodbye to him tonight. Yes, I have feelings but nothing will ever come of it. I'll probably be inwardly depressed and sad for a few weeks but not a soul will know it except for the people on this forum. I'm pretty good at hiding my emotions when I have to and I'll put on a happy face.

I knew the risk of fwb was that I would likely get hurt because I'd get attached. Now its happened and no use complaining. He was never my boyfriend, we never 3ver went out on a date, he has slept with other women these past 5 months so I'm obviously not important to him. I will miss him a lot. I am just grateful that a guy like him ever paid me so much attention. We will remain friends, we friended each other on Facebook so at least I'll get to know what happens to him in life rather than just never knowing.
 nba24
Joined: 4/11/2013
Msg: 23
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If looks do matter.
Posted: 11/29/2018 11:34:50 PM
I am not really sure if this league thing is really a thing the reasons I say that is because ever ones looks and what some one finds attractive is different. I have seen women with guys who I would say are much worse looking than the women and the other way to. For example say I think a women is a 8 and I think I am a 5 that would mean that she is out my league right? But that Lady may think I am a 8 even though I say 5 where another lady that is also a 8 may say I am like a 3 instead of a 8. Looks do matter though if some one says they dont they are not telling the truth. looks is what is going to get my attention ever thing else is what is going to keep my attention though. No matter how much I have in common with some one or how much I like there personality if I dont find them physical attractive I am only going to think of them like a friend. At the same time if I find them physical attractive but dont have any thing in common or dont like there personality then who cares you need both.
 MyTrueCompanion
Joined: 9/20/2018
Msg: 24
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If looks do matter.
Posted: 11/29/2018 11:54:41 PM
I say when you are attracted to a person go for it, you never know!
If looks do matter.
Posted: 11/30/2018 6:54:21 AM

I knew the risk of fwb was that I would likely get hurt because I'd get attached. Now its happened and no use complaining. He was never my boyfriend, we never 3ver went out on a date, he has slept with other women these past 5 months so I'm obviously not important to him. I will miss him a lot. I am just grateful that a guy like him ever paid me so much attention. We will remain friends, we friended each other on Facebook so at least I'll get to know what happens to him in life rather than just never knowing.

Here's to hoping you learned something about yourself from this. Maybe you could use the lesson to help make better choices for yourself in the future.
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