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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > When a couple feels bait & switched but really only one was.      Home login  
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 morta1ez
Joined: 9/3/2009
Msg: 1
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When a couple feels bait & switched but really only one was.Page 1 of 1    
Went to a "singles relationship workshop" it was a self help deal for people who are having a hard time meeting the right people and so forth, I figured what the hell, maybe there would be women who were looking for something serious and have had bad luck like me,
it turned out to be a complete waste of time. When I walked in I was a bit happy and excited, the other guys there were exactly what you would think of for a crowd of unlucky in love guys, I know I'm not the best looking guy in town but if graded on a curve in that crowd I figured Maybe to-nite I'll do well, I was only one of 4 black guys there and I swear one looked like a real life version of "Cleveland" from that "Family Guy" cartoon. And I was getting alot of positive nonverbal ques early on, and even got approached and flirted with. but in conversation it turned out MOST of the ladies there had young kids at home or were workaholics or just sad such busy lives within minutes of conversation I realized they would not have time for a relationship. One lady seemed really great hit it off in convo instantly, her kids were grown and moved out, turns out we live damn near walking distance so we exchanged numbers talked about a time to meet up and hang out, turns out she would be back in town for 3 days a month from now.... turns out she drives a truck and is only home 1 - 2 weekends a month..... well so much for that .

But anyway the subject of this post is one lady that on her turn to speak said her main problem in dating is she keeps meeting guys who start out great and seem normal and a month or so in they become all needy & clingy like some sort of bait&switch... now when people started asking about the most recent time this happened to her trying to establish if there were any clues she should look for in the future it became clear that she starts off her relationships spending most of her free time with that guy then once she starts feeling comfortable she starts pulling back and doing her own thing and trying to fit him in to any blank spots in her schedule and she then gets surprised when some guy want's to monopolize all her free time WHEN SHE GOT HIM USED TO THAT IN THE BEGINNING!!!!!! A few of us pointed that out to her and she looked at us like we all just grew a penis on our foreheads. She then says "of course you spend most of your free time together at first, because you are getting to know each other, but then when you know your a match you get back to the things you have been neglecting, everyone knows that".

Well obviously not.... Basically she meets these guys she shows them a great relationship demo trial and the actual relationship turns out to be weaksauce in comparison But she feels she is the one who got bait&switched? basically he did not change the script SHE DID!!!

Do either of you find yourselves or have ever found yourself in that mess? I have many times, why don't people show their true selves in the beginning to save time?
 LeFouGamboj
Joined: 11/17/2018
Msg: 2
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When a couple feels bait & switched but really only one was.
Posted: 12/6/2018 9:01:32 PM

I realized they would not have time for a relationship.


you have to realize first of all that many women who go to these "get togethers" are those with complicated situations in their lives that does not allow them the free time to meet people the usual way that alows a relationship to develop....and any kind of relationship would have to fit in to their current situation, but if you meet someone who you can click with, it is possible that she could make you a higher priority in her life.....but in general the odds are against you


why don't people show their true selves in the beginning to save time?


because the dating scene is a "sell"...........people (men and women) try to sell an image of themselves to a potential partner all the time,...so it is up to you to be able to sort things out, in the way you know works best for you...sometimes you can do it fast, but sometimes it takes a bit of time.
 five-marie
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 3
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When a couple feels bait & switched but really only one was.
Posted: 12/6/2018 9:53:54 PM
In my experiences a lot of men are clingy and needy. They hide it at first or maybe I just don't notice it. Was just having this conversation with a co worker. She was with a seemingly perfect guy and things ended up like this. She left, he fell apart. I'm old, 61, grew up believing men were the emotionally stronger sex, turns out they're mostly not.
 ontheotherhand
Joined: 6/24/2018
Msg: 4
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When a couple feels bait & switched but really only one was.
Posted: 12/7/2018 2:14:04 PM
five-marie, men especially those of previous generations, were punished for showing emotions. They were expected to be tough. I remember what our father did to my brother.

Anyway, a lot of people falsely advertise who they are. Some do it deliberately, but I have a hard time believing all do because we have a tendency to be our best self during the getting to know each other phase. After becoming comfortable we relax and show the side of ourselves that might have gotten us rejected in the beginning. That's how we've learned that if a person does offensive things in the beginning don't make excuses for them, just cut them lose. It tends to gets worse, not better.

I think this also should include our motives. Don't pretend to want long term if you just want to get laid. Don't say FWB when wanting long term.
 Spectrallight
Joined: 9/14/2018
Msg: 5
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When a couple feels bait & switched but really only one was.
Posted: 12/7/2018 3:01:42 PM

five-marie, men especially those of previous generations, were punished for showing emotions. They were expected to be tough. I remember what our father did to my brother.


Yes and previous generations didn't exactly live it up like we do these days. rations, men born to become soldiers to only walk over their friends dead bodies shaping the world while having to hold back the tears or just plain ran out of them. so through generations we are programmed in such a way to have a hardened shell because some of the stuff we were expected to see in real life could be your dismembered best buddy so men are brought up tougher. Back in past you served and didnt have a choice.

I'm sure I read that men feel deeper emotions than a woman can . Interesting indeed but how can you quantify each individual.
 five-marie
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 6
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When a couple feels bait & switched but really only one was.
Posted: 12/7/2018 4:47:06 PM
I wasn't talking about men showing/having emotions. Of course they do, they're human. I was talking about dealing with life and it's problems. I know it's not just me after talking to a few co workers. Whiners, wanting to be coddled/taken care of. Victim complexes. Always looking for a woman to live with because they won't get a place of their own. Looking for a woman to mooch off. Refusing to take care of their children, emotionally and financially. Not all men, probably not even the majority but I've seen enough to find it worrisome. More like spoiled children than men.
 morta1ez
Joined: 9/3/2009
Msg: 7
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When a couple feels bait & switched but really only one was.
Posted: 12/8/2018 12:43:14 AM

In my experiences a lot of men are clingy and needy. They hide it at first or maybe I just don't notice it. Was just having this conversation with a co worker. She was with a seemingly perfect guy and things ended up like this. She left, he fell apart. I'm old, 61, grew up believing men were the emotionally stronger sex, turns out they're mostly not.


Problem is MOST people display traits that are viewed by the masses these days as needy and clingy, that why it does not become a problem until later.
Most(not all) people when they first get together are constantly talking, hanging out, texting each other(when they can't be together, humping like bunnies every chance they get etc etc..... but the problem comes in when it turns out thats one persons relationship mode but but the others "getting to know you" mode. because for the one with whom thats their relationship mode thats just how they are when in a relationship, for the one who thats their "getting to know you" mode they behave like that only for a few weeks or months but then start to ease back into their old routine and attempt to squeeze their partner into their old life without breaking anything. in other words he did not start being needy and clingy you just stopped being that way once the honeymoon hormones wore off. for some people it's not the hormones making them act that way, its just who they are, those are the ones that get hurt once the "new" wears off for the one they are dating and they start to feel neglected after you have gotten them used to the honeymoon phase version of you.
 MyTrueCompanion
Joined: 9/20/2018
Msg: 8
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When a couple feels bait & switched but really only one was.
Posted: 12/8/2018 12:59:13 AM
OP you are focusing on so much negativity, over-analyzing things, etc.

Dating & relationships should be fun, not a Kafka-esque, angst ridden journey.

Careers require time & mental energy.

Try dating a woman who works at a "job" instead if you want a woman w/ more time/less responsibility.
 morta1ez
Joined: 9/3/2009
Msg: 9
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When a couple feels bait & switched but really only one was.
Posted: 12/8/2018 1:49:23 PM

OP you are focusing on so much negativity, over-analyzing things, etc.

Dating & relationships should be fun, not a Kafka-esque, angst ridden journey.

Careers require time & mental energy.

Try dating a woman who works at a "job" instead if you want a woman w/ more time/less responsibility.


I don't focus on negativity or positivity, I just focus on whats in front of me if positive is in front of me I'm happy and dancin in the streets(metaphorically speaking), if I see negative I will acknowledge it and speak against it. problem is at least from what I have seen of modern dating good situations seem to come too few and far between, while the pitfalls of dating seem to be the norm.

The downside of the way my brain works is that I remember things in vivid detail, both good times and bad(which is how I know one outweighs the other) and I don't recognize middle ground because I don't feel it. I can feel euphoria, bliss and joy or fear, anger, depression and longing, I don't know what contentment(Just okay or non intense emotions) feels like because I don't experience it, I know its definition, I understand what people are describing on an intellectual level, but I don't know what that feels like . My emotions don't have a lever they have a rocker circuit(switch).
 johnfromzelie
Joined: 3/8/2018
Msg: 10
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When a couple feels bait & switched but really only one was.
Posted: 12/8/2018 3:28:39 PM

Careers require time & mental energy.

Try dating a woman who works at a "job" instead if you want a woman w/ more time/less responsibility.
in my case, I would need a woman with a demanding career. not that I want her money but so I can do what I need to do without her feeling neglected. nothing like working 12 hours, plus travel time and lunch only to be told I used up "my" time and now its her time.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 11
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When a couple feels bait & switched but really only one was.
Posted: 12/8/2018 6:12:28 PM
Just as I said in your other thread...
peeps need to quit spending every waking second with a new partner because it's impossible to keep it up...

Personally....I would find a man that wants to spend every second of his free time with me as needy and clingy...
I would wonder if he had any friends and why he doesn't want to spend time with them occassionally and make me think
this would be my future if I stayed with him.
I like my "girlfriends" time and my "me" time....so I have no desire to have a man that is going to whine when I want to hang with them now and then instead of him.
 backcreek7
Joined: 12/2/2014
Msg: 12
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When a couple feels bait & switched but really only one was.
Posted: 12/9/2018 9:00:26 AM

I have many times, found myself in the mess that occurs when people don't show their true colors, in the beginning to save time


^^^ Ahhh sir ~ this has to be one of the VERY most often occurring, sad " quid pro quo's " when trying to find our significant others, that there is. Instead of expanding and analyzing the problem ( which you have diagnosed quite expertly ) I will offer a possible solution, which may be worth trying. It might inevitably overcome said problems & you may get out of it, all you put in. The solution may be right in front of your faces, or your text hand as it is..
....... Forget meeting anyone IRL, until you know them like the back of your hand, so to speak. In other words don't jump the shark ( beginning of the end ) by having to convey ( all of what is you ) in the first several ( in flesh ) meetings.
....... The possible answer may be in your right hand ( a pen / text so to speak ) as you and a perspective love interest speak often with one another. So, my advice is > to email back in forth together for a really significant amount of time. Focus on finding in-depth positive discoveries about one another, of the kind when known - will act as cement, not as reverse polarities.
....... In plain English, let her get to know her suitor like the back of her hand & vice versa, Then and only then, meet IRL . At this point ( after VERY substantial dialogs in e-mail / and phone calls that have been exchanged happily ) set up your first date. I know this sounds like eons of time being wasted but, the result may be worth the time you've put into it sir.

...... Good luck my friend !!!!
heart / sun
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