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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Being on the Autism Spectrum      Home login  
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 RickeyGelina
Joined: 11/28/2018
Msg: 1
Being on the Autism SpectrumPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I am still a virgin, never even been on a date or kissed a woman and will be 45 on Jan 8. I am on the spectrum very severe on the social anxiety part. I have a degree and was even in the National Honor society for Psychology. I learned later some girls in college liked me but I had no idea. I have tried all these sites but it seems there are like 999999999999999999999999 men for every woman on each site and guys like me get ignored. Except of course by the scammers. What are guys like me supposed to do when it seems no woman will give a guy who is not an alpha male with a 6 pack and making $100,000 a year the time of day?
 LeFouGamboj
Joined: 11/17/2018
Msg: 2
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Being on the Autism Spectrum
Posted: 12/18/2018 6:25:21 AM

I have tried all these sites but it seems there are like 999999999999999999999999 men for every woman on each site and guys like me get ignored.


You are right about there being scammers on these sites, but your site name, your pix and write-up don't help you one bit! You posted an age range of 18-52, that will invite scammers for sure.

You seem like you have good insight into yourself.....so the question is if you have ever gotten help (counseling, taken anti-anxiety medications, etc)...to help with your condition. If not then you should strongly consider doing so. You are not that old, but you are getting there....so there isn't a great deal of time that you can afford to be wasting.

If you can, join a gym....get yourself in shape, lose weight....maybe get a make over....get in the habit of talking to people at random even if its a few words....it will help you get some social skills....assuming you don't have any behavior problems.

If you are able to do it, go into some singles bar in another town where nobody knows you.....just sit and see what others do and say.....mingle around and don't put pressure on yourself....keep doing it over and over until you get comfortable in that setting.

Change takes time....but if you don't take any meaningful steps....nothing will happen for you......good luck
 PennyAnte
Joined: 4/17/2016
Msg: 3
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Being on the Autism Spectrum
Posted: 12/18/2018 8:24:33 AM
First off take the chip off your shoulder.
"What are guys like me supposed to do when it seems no woman will give a guy who is not an alpha male with a 6 pack and making $100,000 a year the time of day?"

If you keep this mindset it will become a self fulfilling prophecy. It's not true. So stop telling yourself it is.
Be proud of who you are. Note the positives about yourself. Do not self depreciate. If you do that people will agree with you.
You have accomplished something great. A degree is psychology. Good for you. Play up your positive attributes while you are searching.

Join us here in the forum group. Lend your opinion and your knowledge. It may help you a lot to virtually socialize here. It may help you to get over your insecurities about relating to people.

Discard your labels. Define who you are in your heart of hearts and be happy and accepting of who you are. You are still a virgin. No one has to know that but you.
I think if you work on self improvement and self love you will come a long way from not only how you feel about yourself but how you present yourself to others.

Join a gym or go to meet up groups. Start with a group of people. Perhaps there are even groups of people that have your same diagnosis and they can help you just by sharing their experience, strengths and hope. You will not feel so alone. There are others like you.

My grandson has a diagnosis. When he was 17 he attempted suicide feeling that he would never be attractive to any women. Feelings of self loathing. He got help. Then he completely changed his life. He cut his hair. Got a job and a car. He lost over 80 pounds. All he needed was some support and someone to help him focus on his goals. I helped him get organized and with weight loss menus. All he needed was a little push and he was on fire. Find people that spark that desire in you. Go to therapy or get a nutritionist. Ask for help.

The more you accomplish your own goals and work on yourself the happier you will become and you will draw those same kind of people to you. This may sound trite but you have to love yourself before you can love others. You may not be ready for dating or women at this stage but in time and with hard work you can be ready.

Like attracts like and water seeps to it's own level. Raise the bar for yourself first. Lastly I would kindly suggest that you go to the PROFILE REVIEW forum. Your profile needs work and help however this is not the forum to request a make over.
 RickeyGelina
Joined: 11/28/2018
Msg: 4
Being on the Autism Spectrum
Posted: 12/18/2018 12:15:11 PM
I joined a gym 2 years ago (had a heart attack on my 42nd birthday.) Twice a week a silver sneakers class. I'm still barely able to keep up with people in their 70s and 80s. I also changed the minimum age to 30 on my profile. I don't really know what else to add. I have a very difficult time with that sort of thing. I also can't drive due to my health (the state said so in 2000) I also live in a very rural area (no public transport.) I can't live on my own due to not making enough to afford it on Social Security and due to not being able to do lots of things.
 Carnival_Fishing
Joined: 10/2/2018
Msg: 5
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Being on the Autism Spectrum
Posted: 12/18/2018 2:01:57 PM
I don't think the ratio of men versus women on this or any other dating site is your main problem in the dating world. It's largely the things you mentioned. If you live out in the sticks, do you expect a woman to pick you up and drop you off on every date? And can you afford to date, since you can't afford to live on your own? Good luck trying to find someone who will overlook all of your shortcomings.
 PennyAnte
Joined: 4/17/2016
Msg: 6
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Being on the Autism Spectrum
Posted: 12/18/2018 2:06:15 PM
I had a heart attack 10 years ago. It was a wake up call to eat better, watch my weight and change my lifestyle. I walk all the time some days 5 miles most days 2. Walking is simple and it is great for your whole body. Get yourself moving even if it as simple as walking.

" I don't really know what else to add." This is why I suggest you go to profile review forum. I think there is more that you should edit instead of adding. If your having a "very difficult time" then go there for help. Most are kind people there willing to help. It's not my area of expertise.

If you are disabled you may qualify for support from the government. More support than you are getting now with SSI benefits. Have you considered applying for housing and relocating. Perhaps making it on your own will give you more self esteem and more privacy in the case that you do find a lady that is interested in you.

You can make excuses all day long and stay exactly where you are or you can find solutions and answers to your problems. Prioritize them now.
If you need help to actualize your priorities go see a therapist. Someone is bringing you to this gym? Ask if they can help you with transportation to therapy.

I know you say you are an atheist.. but here is a scripture that will apply if you believe or not. James 2:14-26 "Faith Without Works Is Dead"
You have to ask for help. You have to take the steps and work towards a better future. You have to decide you will have faith in yourself and do the hard work to make changes in your life so that you won't be so unhappy and feeling alone. Stop making excuses for yourself. You will not get anywhere in life if you make up excuses for what you can not do.

Just do it!!
 RickeyGelina
Joined: 11/28/2018
Msg: 7
Being on the Autism Spectrum
Posted: 12/18/2018 2:46:09 PM
I was going to a therapist but the insurance I have now doesn't cover behavioral services (or diabetic testing supplies for some reason.) It's not just affording it there's a lot of things I can't do to live on my own. Besides not being able to lift more than about 20 lbs or be on my feet for more than 10 minutes, there's thing's I can't handle due to the Asperger's Syndrome. Cooking - if I have a recipe I can handle it if it's like "cook at 350 for 25 minutes", but if it requires interpretation like "cook until golden brown" I'm lost. I also can't chop things due to tremors (essential tremors - like Katherine Hepburn had) and very poor coordination. My dad takes me to the gym and either he or my mom take to my many appointments. I really don't have any friends other than online.
Being on the Autism Spectrum
Posted: 12/18/2018 3:40:17 PM

if I have a recipe I can handle it if it's like "cook at 350 for 25 minutes", but if it requires interpretation like "cook until golden brown" I'm lost. I also can't chop things due to tremors (essential tremors - like Katherine Hepburn had) and very poor coordination. My dad takes me to the gym and either he or my mom take to my many appointments.

You aren't going to like this, Why the hell would you expect any woman to date you. Is dad going to drive you to pick her up, go on the date, and drop her off? You can't be on your feet longer than 10 minutes or lift over 20 pounds, you are on the spectrum. Sorry, you just don't seem to have a lot to offer the average lady. I don't think you should be asking why you are still a virgin at your age and can't get a date. The answer is pretty apparent.
 RickeyGelina
Joined: 11/28/2018
Msg: 9
Being on the Autism Spectrum
Posted: 12/18/2018 4:58:38 PM
Harsh. Why would nowadays the man be expected to pick her up and drop her off? This isn't the 1950s. It's also a bad idea for a first date as it for several reasons. Do you really think it's a good idea for a woman to give a guy she only met online and maybe on the phone her address? Disabled men do date and even marry, including able-bodied women. You seem very ableist in your response. I am looking for constructive responses.
 Million_Reasons
Joined: 10/23/2018
Msg: 10
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Being on the Autism Spectrum
Posted: 12/18/2018 5:40:54 PM
Op:

There really is someone perfectly imperfect just for you out there. What we often desire comes when we are simply just going about life. Keep working on being your best self the rest will happen.

Wishing you much love and happiness.
 RickeyGelina
Joined: 11/28/2018
Msg: 11
Being on the Autism Spectrum
Posted: 12/18/2018 7:51:43 PM

thank you so much after the troll post especially.
Being on the Autism Spectrum
Posted: 12/19/2018 4:20:46 AM

Harsh. Why would nowadays the man be expected to pick her up and drop her off? This isn't the 1950s. It's also a bad idea for a first date as it for several reasons. Do you really think it's a good idea for a woman to give a guy she only met online and maybe on the phone her address? Disabled men do date and even marry, including able-bodied women. You seem very ableist in your response. I am looking for constructive responses.

I'm not being ableist at all. I spoke to you exactly the same as I would speak to anyone else here, who I thought had a very small chance of meeting an average woman for dating. So please don't try to play that card with me, it won't work. I assume you came here looking for an honest answer to your question. I think I gave that to you! Even average looking men who can lift over 20 pounds and be on their feet for longer than 10 minutes, and do not need to be chauffeured around, are on here whining they can't get a date. So honestly, your chances are pretty slim finding an average woman to date. Most women do not want to be someones nurse maid, in most instances, either. Perhaps maybe you should look on a autism site. There just might be a woman who suffers the same limitations as you there. Or stay here and bemoan the fact you can't get a date. Blaming women because they won't date you, making excuse after excuse as to why they should just give you a chance.


thank you so much after the troll post especially

I'm far from a troll. I'm sorry but I'm not going to sugar coat things for you. In my opinion, your chances of landing a date here are somewhere between nil and not to dang likely.
 flowersinthelake
Joined: 5/11/2018
Msg: 13
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Being on the Autism Spectrum
Posted: 12/19/2018 4:26:11 AM
I think you need to work on yourself, firstly, before dating anybody else. When I checked, PA has mental health service for people with disabilities. I'm unsure why they have cut you off, especially you indicated that you have a dual-diagnosis. I suggest you fight for that and get back into therapy.
 purplerider1200
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 14
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Being on the Autism Spectrum
Posted: 12/19/2018 5:33:25 AM
Sometimes, you gotta hit what is pitched to you. You're doing it now, but you want more.

Having people sugarcoat things, and cater to your needs, doesn't help when that person gets fed up with the whole situation. They could leave you hung out to dry, and in a worse position than what you are currently in. I'm sitting here looking at a coffee cup that has a a very fitting saying on it-

Life's a ****, and then you die.

We all live with that.
 Spectrallight
Joined: 9/14/2018
Msg: 15
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Being on the Autism Spectrum
Posted: 12/19/2018 5:35:02 AM


I'm far from a troll. I'm sorry but I'm not going to sugar coat things for you. In my opinion, your chances of landing a date here are somewhere between nil and not to dang likely.


No sugar coating allowed. Don't like the blunt truth then don't ask the question. Ableist my arse! Not one person can legitimately think that. Spot on initial advice.
 calliopedreams
Joined: 11/21/2017
Msg: 16
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Being on the Autism Spectrum
Posted: 12/19/2018 6:09:18 AM
First off, for someone who claims in their profile to be "on the Autism spectrum so I won't get certain things," you seem to be pretty quick to interpret someone's observations as "trolling."

Second, you state in your initial post on the forums that
I still am [a Virgin] at nearly 45 due to severe social anxiety and such. I nearly freak out ordering food in a restaurant. I can't work as I have thrown up or passed out in job interviews due to anxiety.


How, exactly, do you think you are going to handle a date?

You can post a profile on any dating site you please, but you are no more entitled to a response/date than any of the thousands of guys who get rejected every day, who are completely independent, do NOT live with their parents, are taller than 5'4", can drive, have a job and a social circle. Quit feeling sorry for yourself, since "no woman [giving] a guy who is not an alpha male with a 6 pack and making $100,000 a year the time of day" is hardly your issue. You may as well add crybaby to your list of disabilities.


Here are some dating sites for Differently Abled that came up in a google search:
Whispers4U, Dating4Disabled, Special Bridge, Disabled Passions

Here's a thought, why not move to a large city, where you can apply for group housing and use public transportation, to get a taste of independence, before you seek a mommy to chauffeur you around to your appointments, do your shopping and prepare any meals that require browning for you?
 RickeyGelina
Joined: 11/28/2018
Msg: 17
Being on the Autism Spectrum
Posted: 12/19/2018 8:22:50 AM
And how exactly does one move/live on less than $1000/month minus (substantial) medical costs? Especially to a large city.
 calliopedreams
Joined: 11/21/2017
Msg: 18
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Being on the Autism Spectrum
Posted: 12/19/2018 9:20:36 AM
Oh, boo-hoo.

No reponse to throwing up while on a date while being "interviewed"?

Interesting that you focus on the "living elsewhere" aspect, when you are firmly entrenched in your parents' house. Wouldn't want to upset that apple-cart, would we?

I bet your parents would be happy to have the house to themselves for once, and would be glad to help you move.

Here is Pittsburgh's website for public housing, including those who qualify with low income and disabilities:

https://hacp.org/programs-services/
https://hacp.org/programs-services/disability-compliance-services/

In addition, in case you did not know this, your disabilities, combined with low income, make you eligible for a Medicaid program, which pays all your medical bills.

https://eligibility.com/medicaid/pennsylvania-pa

Yet, somehow, I am certain you have a rebuttal about why none of these ideas will work for you, much as I am sure you have guilt-tripped your parents into feeling responsible for your full-time care.

Well, we are not you parents and won't fall for all the sad reasons why the world should come around to accepting that you can do nothing other than cruise the internet all day and amuse yourself in debate boards while you wait for that special woman to fall into your lap.

Good luck with expecting the World to accommodate you , when you won't even extend yourself, a little bit!
 MeramecRiverRat
Joined: 10/12/2017
Msg: 19
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Being on the Autism Spectrum
Posted: 12/19/2018 5:56:57 PM


And how exactly does one move/live on less than $1000/month minus (substantial) medical costs? Especially to a large city.


I can live on less than $1000 per month despite enormous increases in monthly health insurance premiums every year. And I'm not raking in fat SS "disability" checks or any other handout from taxpayers or from private donors.

If rent is too high where you live, find one or more roommates. Landlords apparently want you to make 4 times your rent, so if you make $1000 per month, the maximum rent would be $250 per month per person. If you find 3 roommates, you could live in a home that rents for $1000 per month. After rent, you have $750 per month left over for health care and food.

Cut your expenses. Your profile says you drink often. Quit drinking alcohol. Don't go to restaurants. Buy big containers of oatmeal, potatoes, rice, etc. Each of those 3 items has simple enough cooking instructions.

Many Mexicans make way less than minimum wage, yet not only can they afford to live in the USA, but they send back a high percentage of what they earn to their families back in Mexico. They're proof there's no need to raise the minimum wage.

Labeling people "ableist" will discourage people from helping. I see nobody has replied on your profile thread, perhaps because they think you might lash out at them and call them ableist. That word gets thrown around along with "sexist", "misogynist", "homophobic", "racist", "anti-Semitic", so those words have little meaning after all the wolf-crying.

There are multiple reasons I require a neurotypical partner.
 RickeyGelina
Joined: 11/28/2018
Msg: 20
Being on the Autism Spectrum
Posted: 12/19/2018 6:16:18 PM
Wow, seems there a lot of Reich wingers here. I couldn't get a roommate. I really only have online friends and couldn't handle living with a stranger.
 calliopedreams
Joined: 11/21/2017
Msg: 21
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Being on the Autism Spectrum
Posted: 12/19/2018 6:45:12 PM
Hey, how would you handle getting along with a stranger/girlfriend?

I see you have dragged this same story through a number of other communities with no success for at least a decade.

There is also some question about the veracity of your Aspie diagnosis. How did you manage to attend school and get a degree? You are very verbal ... why not translate German or edit Psych journals, instead of blowing your money on alcohol and internet hookers?


I have a family member who is truly autistic. He can't drive, he RIDES A BIKE TO HIS JOB. He bags groceries and PAYS RENT to his parents. How much do you pay your parents?

Maybe you feel lucky to have gotten an aspie diagnosis, because you get SSDI $$$, but it is crippling in the sense you are forced to live the diagnosis, whether it is accurate, or not. I don't buy it.

Your heart attack seems to have been a result of lifestyle choices.

Getting a date seems like it should be low on your priorities.
 RickeyGelina
Joined: 11/28/2018
Msg: 22
Being on the Autism Spectrum
Posted: 12/19/2018 7:34:14 PM
I can't ride a bike at all due to balance (damage to inner ear due to Type 1 diabetic since age 10.) I doubt a BS is enough to edit a journal and my German is sorely lacking (I took 5 years from 8th - 12th grade - more than 25 years ago.) I was fine in school - academic setting I did well in. I never got a prostitute. I was paying my parents $300 a month when I worked but it dropped to $100 after I wasn't able to. Without the diagnosis I would get $0/year. I tried working. I couldn't get anything else. Last job I had hired anyone with a pulse who was qualified and applied (Drug treatment and later Community Corrections center - state decided they'd rather do it themselves rather than contract out.) For other jobs - county prison, county mental health, etc I either panicked in the interview or you needed to be able to drive. In one case (world famous Caron foundation) I had a bad low sugar (happens a lot - why I can't drive and another reason I couldn't live on my own - that happened with nobody around... RIP.) The interview thing was why I couldn't get into grad school - that and not being able to get experience in the field. My GRE scores would have possibly gotten me into an Ivy League school. could never survive living in the ghetto - I have no street smarts whatsoever. I also have Major Depression and a few suicide attempts, though none since 2009.
 RickeyGelina
Joined: 11/28/2018
Msg: 23
Being on the Autism Spectrum
Posted: 12/20/2018 8:21:15 PM
BTW most of the disabled sites calliopedreams posted are pay sites and some require a smartphone. WTF? Only rich people can afford a smartphone. I don't know anyone working or otherwise who can afford that. I also tried OVR for getting work but they really didn't help and changed the couneslor they had for me like every month. Biggest suggestion any had was with the police as CSI but I didn't have the courses fir it. I have like 8 suicide attempts under my belt (none since 2009) but those saying I shouldn't get disability or that I should be never with a woman don't get to win in that case. TBH I would rather die if I can never be with a woman.
 __TEXASCHICK__
Joined: 11/9/2011
Msg: 24
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Being on the Autism Spectrum
Posted: 12/21/2018 12:16:20 AM
Truly, you remind me of a couple women on this site that have an excuse for every freeking thing.
 CBGB77
Joined: 12/15/2017
Msg: 25
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Being on the Autism Spectrum
Posted: 12/24/2018 10:10:23 AM
Hey Matt,do you belong to the Wrong Planet forum? That is the best place to meet girls that are also "On The Spectrum". My last wife was an "Aspie" and she used to live on that forum.
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