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 HylianAdam
Joined: 11/1/2018
Msg: 1
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Autism, depression, social anxiety. Page 1 of 1    
I don’t really know what to do. I’ve done online dating for over a year on here and multiple other apps but despite changing my profiles and photos many times i’ve not gotten anywhere. My current profile is just a straight up honest description because i don’t know how else to put a spin on who i am and my many flaws.

I’ve messaged perhaps about 300 women this past year and I make sure to avoid messaging the ones who are attractive so i’m “staying in my league” as people often suggest. At best i’ve made about 3 friends but they’ve all found bf’s and stopped talking now.

I don’t know if a profile review is needed or just general dating advice. I’m short, unattractive looking, living with depression, and have aspergers (autism). I have huge flaws and i have no idea how to make myself appealing without lying.

So basically, how do you take a depressed, dimwitted person with aspergers and make them likeable? Sorry if this is the wrong section or if i’m not communicating clearly.
 Spectrallight
Joined: 9/14/2018
Msg: 2
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Autism, depression, social anxiety.
Posted: 12/18/2018 5:57:36 PM
I see on your profile you're working at becoming less socially anxious and that's awesome young man. What I would like to say is when you're anxious remember this. There are 3 stages. the start, middle, end. My point is think of the last time you overcame your anxiety? Are you still here to this day? Are Stronger than you think you are? of course you are. You have overcome most hurdles in your life to this day :)

How about start fishing outside of your league that you put yourself? I think your being way to harsh on yourself when thinking your ugly. I think you just lack some confidence. Try meetup.com and look to go on walks with people that will help build your confidence. You will make lots of new friends and don't worry about being judged as you'll be the only one judging yourself. We tend to be the ones that are harshest on ourselves. I know it can be hard meeting new people but we all have the same worries regardless and want to be liked so that's natural.

The only thing I would say about profiles is not to be negative on them at all. Oh and I can't help but pet every cat I see, and bubble wrap for the win.
 HylianAdam
Joined: 11/1/2018
Msg: 3
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Autism, depression, social anxiety.
Posted: 12/19/2018 3:21:24 AM
Thanks for taking the time to read and reply to me. The thing that makes me socially anxious is the fact i have aspergers and i’m unable to socialise in a normal way. That makes me anxious because i’m usually leaving the impression “what a weirdo”. I don’t get how to be normal.

As for meetups, that sounds like a good idea (albeit a scary one.) I still find it frightening talking to people online because you can’t predict how someone will respond to you. Having low self-esteem and insecurities means rejection or abuse stings a lot more. The anxiety of that happening becomes crippling.

A positive profile is something i can understand. Although i personally wouldn’t reject a girl for sounding negative in her profile. If she was hostile then i would avoid lol
 Spectrallight
Joined: 9/14/2018
Msg: 4
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Autism, depression, social anxiety.
Posted: 12/19/2018 5:53:27 AM

Thanks for taking the time to read and reply to me. The thing that makes me socially anxious is the fact i have aspergers and i’m unable to socialise in a normal way. That makes me anxious because i’m usually leaving the impression “what a weirdo”. I don’t get how to be normal.


Have you ever considered these people you think aren't weird could be possibly hiding behind a vail of some sorts? You would be surprised. Be yourself and you will become less anxious. Accept yourself and pretty much fk what anyone else thinks. Self acceptance. Only one person will truly look out for you and that is yourself.


As for meetups, that sounds like a good idea (albeit a scary one.) I still find it frightening talking to people online because you can’t predict how someone will respond to you. Having low self-esteem and insecurities means rejection or abuse stings a lot more. The anxiety of that happening becomes crippling.


People online respond in such ways because there isn't any repurcutions where as in life when out and about and you're in a group of people. Most will wide berth such behaviours. Stop over thinking scenario where things could happen rather than deal with things as they happen. Art groups on meetup to and you like art so maybe a good start to find common ground with others.


A positive profile is something i can understand. Although i personally wouldn’t reject a girl for sounding negative in her profile. If she was hostile then i would avoid lol


I was more referring to the all men are shit type profiles and you could likely do with positivity rather than negativity in your life at the moment.

Be yourself because being anything else leads to not so great pastures.
 HylianAdam
Joined: 11/1/2018
Msg: 5
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Autism, depression, social anxiety.
Posted: 12/21/2018 9:08:13 AM
Thanks for the further replies. There’s an art group nearby where i live. Life drawing. I’ll go there.

Btw, sorry if i come across as negative at times.
 Fascinator123
Joined: 12/22/2017
Msg: 6
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Autism, depression, social anxiety.
Posted: 1/3/2019 1:42:12 PM
Hiya, first of all I want to say that we all have flaws. Most people feel some degree of anxiety in new social situations and the trick is to try to realise that you are not alone in having self doubt. Concentrate on the things you are good at and your drawing is one of those things. It's a good likeness of you! You are not unattractive physically and you need to forget that whole nonsense of thinking you are 'less than'. We are all a bundle of great, bits, good bits and not so good bits. Self-acceptance is key, I feel. No such thing as the perfect person. Start loving yourself and be your own best friend.
It needs to be said that women do love a guy who is confident but on the plus side at least you aren't arrogant and that has to count for something. Arrogance is very unattractive. I was terribly shy as a youngster and I'm sure as you get older you will start accepting yourself more and focus more on your good points rather than on your perceived 'bad' ones. We are all lovable and I hope you learn soon that what we think of ourselves is far more important that what others think of us. So start thinking more positively about yourself if you can and you'd be surprised how quickly things can change for the better if you just believe it. Thoughts have power...look around you. Nothing you see came into existence without it first being a thought in someone's mind so train your thoughts to be nurturing and kind towards yourself . You can do it...practise makes perfect.
And I don't think you are dimwitted at all. You express yourself well and clearly in your post. Nothing is permanent in life and I hope this phase you are going through passes quickly. When you are feeling down things always seem much worse than they are and I hope the 'fog' of dissatisfaction and self-doubt clears away soon and you start seeing the good things in yourself. I am sure there are lots of good things about you that you are just not acknowledging because of your low state of mind. But states of mind can change. I have been depressed myself so I know it can seem daunting and change can seem a bit scary. Tomorrow is another day for you and another chance to start embracing yourself in a healthier way. I wish you only good things and applaud your bravery in speaking about how you feel and reaching out for advice. A lot of people couldn't have done that so give yourself credit for that and smile ...you've earned a feelgood smile!
 MusiKyle
Joined: 2/4/2018
Msg: 7
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Autism, depression, social anxiety.
Posted: 1/4/2019 9:13:57 AM
Protip, nothing is more attractive than confidence and being comfortable in your own skin. Accept your own flaws, even as you work on them, and others will be more likely to accept them as well. You're decent-looking, you're not that short, and you have artistic ability. I think you just have low self-confidence and you need to relax and accept yourself, whatever that is, so you can focus more on others and living your life.
 Welcome2ThisJungle
Joined: 9/19/2018
Msg: 8
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Autism, depression, social anxiety.
Posted: 1/6/2019 12:19:22 PM
First of all, you are much taller than the average guy here in the U.S. who is on this site LOL. Your height is not a big deal and you shouldn't focus on it. It's an average height for a man pretty much anywhere in the world. You also have an Elvis Presley kind of quality to your looks. I don't know why you think you are not handsome. As for Aspergers syndrome, you do know that there are doctors who have Asperbers? I don't think your IQ is the issue; it's more than likely depression. And as for the social anxiety? I have that too. It used to be called social phobia. Now that's not fun but just like Tony Soprano, you must know that when you get a panic attack, it's only going to last for a few minutes so don't obsess over it. I still get uncomfortable in social settings and as for any dating, if you're out with someone and you start to feel anxious, get up and use the restroom. Just say you feel a little dizzy or something and stand up and walk outside then back into the cafe/restaurant. I absolutely hate going to restaurants on dates but isn't that what everybody does LOL? At this stage in my life, I'm more direct about my anxiety and I'll just tell a guy that I prefer to sit in the back of a restaurant or that I prefer to choose the table and I'll even say I don't want to eat at a restaurant if it's too noisy and crowded. You'd be surprised at how many people have an understanding of anxiety and panic disorders. When I talk to a guy who just winds up with some stupid look on his face or if we're on the phone and he has nothing to say about the topic, I know to move on and forget him LOL. One last thought: ditch the paragraph about having an empty mailbox. It makes no sense to say that and it's likely your depression that lead you to write that.
 HylianAdam
Joined: 11/1/2018
Msg: 14
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Autism, depression, social anxiety.
Posted: 1/11/2019 3:48:11 AM
I think the forums are glitching. Tried posting a reply 3 times but they don’t show.
 HylianAdam
Joined: 11/1/2018
Msg: 15
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Autism, depression, social anxiety.
Posted: 1/11/2019 6:48:33 AM
(Third time trying to post this)

Sorry for the late reply. I have to say i wasn't expecting so many replies so thank you everyone who's taken the time to write this stuff to me.

Fascinator123 - I think i've got a lot of development to do before i can accept myself. It's probably going to be a very long time before that happens. I'll just say i've been very insecure about the way i am since my teens. I'm my own worst enemy in a lot of cases and i'm too scared to accept myself or project something that resembles confidence. I hope i can start thinking for the better like you say and those thoughts will bring about real life change.

MusiKyle - It's a lot easier to be confident when a person has something to warrant it. My fear is appearing really stupid if i try conveying confidence. Like someone who has no clue what they're doing in a situation but acts as though they know it all. That's been me in the past when i tried to act confident. It just makes me look stupid because i clearly don't know what i'm doing or talking about. Meh, i probably have a lot of twisted ideas.

Welcome2ThisJungle - I should just say that i've taken like 1000 photos this past year and only about 1% seem to be ok. They're all carefully shot from a certain angle and with certain lighting conditions to mask flaws. I think me an Elvis both love burgers and that's where the similarities end lol. I've deleted the last part about having an empty mailbox btw. It did seem a little weird to write that down in hindsight. Thanks for the suggestion :)

I want to say thanks again for all the replies. The biggest takeaway here is to be confident, be confident, and to be confident. I've made minor changes to my profile. Hopefully it's a step in the right direction?
 aroundthewaygirl
Joined: 12/19/2018
Msg: 16
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Autism, depression, social anxiety.
Posted: 1/11/2019 2:12:55 PM
You are a hottie! You remind me of Cillian Murphy. It's okay that you aren't that smooth talkin' type of guy. Some chicks might not like it, some will. Just own the weirdness and follow your own path in life. Practice by talking to all sorts of people and just be genuine. Have you tried seeing a therapist/counselor about your anxiety and depression?
 SurelyIamShirley
Joined: 7/22/2016
Msg: 17
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Autism, depression, social anxiety.
Posted: 1/13/2019 5:46:37 PM
OP. People will see you negatively if that is the attitude you project. You are attractive, nice height, very young looking which might be part of the problem.....maybe? But on the bright side, or not.....lol, that will change. BTW, if you drew the portrait, you are very good.
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