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 Katy_124
Joined: 11/14/2014
Msg: 1
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*trigger* Have I broken it off too soon?Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I began dating a guy 3 months ago - for the most part it was like walking around in a romantic bubble, I was swept off my feet.
But over time we would go through periods of being close then he would become distant. The last time it happened was after we had spent several days together and seemed to be growing more in love. However, while being physically intimate he stopped me and asked seriously if we could talk. He said he had been abused as a child, that he just remembered this in therapy this year and what we had just been doing had triggered him. He said he wanted to continue exploring each other sexually, but to leave that `act` out for now.

But shortly after, he stopped calling until i got in touch. He seemed less enthusiastic but always replied (but admitted he was having a depressed period). We went on another date and I raised the topic. He said he had been struggling with the fact he told me about thr abuse and that he had never told anyone before (bar his therapist). Telling me had even seemed to cool his feeling towards me, he said he couldn`t explain it. Well, we went on to have a 9 hour date, slow dancing, drinking and kissing the night away. At the end he said `I think i want to keep dating for now` but sounded so ambivalent i told him i wanted to end it but we could remain friends. The wishy washy behaviour has been difficult to bear.

Since then, we have met twice as friends. I`ve noticed he is still touchy feel and complimentary, still gives `the look`. But what was i going to do after he said he was unsure about his feelings towards me? Have I done the right thing for now?
*trigger* Have I broken it off too soon?
Posted: 12/22/2018 2:20:31 PM
Yes, you have done the right thing. He sounds like he has more issues than Sports Illustrated.
 Katy_124
Joined: 11/14/2014
Msg: 3
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*trigger* Have I broken it off too soon?
Posted: 12/22/2018 3:16:00 PM
He does have a lot of issues, which are not his fault & he is in treatment. But it was very upsetting for me, to hear him say that he felt differently after telling me his secret. Just as we got closer/more intimate he pulled away. He said he struggles with the closeness.

It's the first time i've broken it off while falling in love (ie. first time i've let my head rule instead). It seemed cold to cut off something as it was blossoming but i felt he was thwarting things by being distant. It's just that he wanted time to think things over and i said no, as i felt it was wishy washy. Now i think its because he's thoughtful and doesn't make decisions lightly...that's why ive felt some regret
*trigger* Have I broken it off too soon?
Posted: 12/22/2018 5:09:30 PM

It's just that he wanted time to think things over and i said no, as i felt it was wishy washy. Now i think its because he's thoughtful and doesn't make decisions lightly...that's why ive felt some regret

Why would you waste one more second of your time on a wishy washy, issue ridden individual? Good grief woman, learn to raise the bar higher! I really don't understand women who feel regret over giving the heave ho to a loser!.
 Clytemnestra
Joined: 6/6/2018
Msg: 5
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*trigger* Have I broken it off too soon?
Posted: 12/22/2018 5:44:33 PM
msg#4:

Why would you waste one more second of your time on a wishy washy, issue ridden individual? Good grief woman, learn to raise the bar higher! I really don't understand women who feel regret over giving the heave ho to a loser!


Check her 'History' for a clue.
 purplerider1200
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 6
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*trigger* Have I broken it off too soon?
Posted: 12/22/2018 7:51:27 PM
oboy. And all I did was read the titles of the threads.
 PennyAnte
Joined: 4/17/2016
Msg: 7
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*trigger* Have I broken it off too soon?
Posted: 12/22/2018 8:36:13 PM
People that are suffering from memories of sexual abuse need a "safe place" to talk about it. He tried to disclose to you but it was during intimacy which he may have also had some performance anxiety. He will be prone to depression during this difficult time in therapy.
Reliving the experience or experiences can be extremely painful. He perhaps is discovering things about himself that relate back to that sexual abuse so pair bonding is almost impossible when you are going through that kind of primal therapy. He shouldn't be dating but focusing on how he is going to heal and come to terms with the tragic memories he has from childhood.

You did well to leave him alone. I don't think a "friendship" is even possible at this point in time. He has trauma issues and he may use you like a fix or a drug to try to help to only distract him from his feelings. Then crash and leave you hanging in limbo.

Stay with him if you want to be his therapist instead of his girlfriend. I wouldn't personally. I would leave him to professionals and give him space and time to heal. He must have PTSD and that comes with a range of emotions rage, fear, depression. Do you want to cope with this having only known him for such a short time? He is playing the game that I call "go away a little closer". Do you want to be his yo-yo?
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 8
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*trigger* Have I broken it off too soon?
Posted: 12/22/2018 8:39:19 PM
LOL, For a few seconds I read purpleriders post,...…….. first word as "obey". ^ ^ ^ ^ ^

I thought WTH does "obey" have to do with...………..ooooops , he wrote, "oboy".


OP, In this case I believe the man in question is currently unable to give you what you seek. He has his plate full right now.
Understandably he needs his own time, to come to terms with his past. This isn't about you.
As hard as it may seem to you, it is even harder for him. Time to step back, step away.

Life most often isn't fair. We only get one chance with the one life we were born with. Don't spend too much time looking back. Move forward.
 __TEXASCHICK__
Joined: 11/9/2011
Msg: 9
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*trigger* Have I broken it off too soon?
Posted: 12/22/2018 8:42:56 PM
I don't have a good tolerance for washy washy men.
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 10
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*trigger* Have I broken it off too soon?
Posted: 12/23/2018 4:58:08 AM

But over time we would go through periods of being close then he would become distant.



However, while being physically intimate he stopped me and asked seriously if we could talk. He said he had been abused as a child, that he just remembered this in therapy this year and what we had just been doing had triggered him. He said he wanted to continue exploring each other sexually, but to leave that `act` out for now.







You have found a man who has excess emotional baggage. It's very sad, but some people have too much. (This could be the reason he's single.)
 Natey2
Joined: 7/4/2011
Msg: 11
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*trigger* Have I broken it off too soon?
Posted: 12/23/2018 7:09:53 AM
Maybe the guy found another woman and this alleged "trigger" was the guy's exit strategy from the current relationship which he does not want to completely terminate.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 10/31/2015
Msg: 12
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*trigger* Have I broken it off too soon?
Posted: 12/23/2018 8:11:40 AM

You have found a man who has excess emotional baggage. It's very sad, but some people have too much. (This could be the reason he's single.)

The same reason many a lady are still single as well.

I think it's kind of funny how people in here reply to posts with 'obvious' issues with eye-roll type replies and bit of sarcasm, but more than likely it's because they themselves had a crush on someone who was a bag of cats. Attraction stumps every kind of personal issue out there, and if the presentation looks good enough, you'll still have a 'go' at it even with warning signs as obvious as a road construction crew. The difference experience brings is realizing what you can tolerate and what needs professional help. Note that I did not say "Wisdom" because a truly wise person knows how to solve problems despite what the situation brings. Many people in here are experienced at bad encounters - but running away from most doesn't make them a problem solver.
*trigger* Have I broken it off too soon?
Posted: 12/23/2018 10:29:59 AM

I think it's kind of funny how people in here reply to posts with 'obvious' issues with eye-roll type replies and bit of sarcasm, but more than likely it's because they themselves had a crush on someone who was a bag of cats

How would you like us to respond to these posts? Would you like us all to encourage stupidity?

Attraction stumps every kind of personal issue out there, and if the presentation looks good enough, you'll still have a 'go' at it even with warning signs as obvious as a road construction crew. The difference experience brings is realizing what you can tolerate and what needs professional help.

Actually, attraction doesn't "stump" every kind of personal issue out there. Some of us have enough common sense to not be ruled by attraction. The difference experience brings is being wise enough to walk away.

Note that I did not say "Wisdom" because a truly wise person knows how to solve problems despite what the situation brings.
Many people in here are experienced at bad encounters - but running away from most doesn't make them a problem solver.


I don't recall anyone here claiming to be Einstein. Some of use have learned from our mistakes early on, sometimes it's easier to see someone about to make a mistake, when you aren't involved in the situation. Regardless, a question was asked, we all gave our answers. So sorry, WISE ONE, if we did not respond the way a oh so smart fellow like yourself, wanted us to.
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 14
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*trigger* Have I broken it off too soon?
Posted: 12/23/2018 1:21:49 PM
Sooooooooo Sweet Danimal, (and I use the word "Sweet", ONLY because it is the first part of your user name),WHAT is YOUR advice to the OP?


I do not believe you, "think it's kind of funny"...……………... You seem to prefer pointing fingers at "people", and most often use the word, "we" as though everyone thinks as you do. The rest of your post is merely PROJECTION.

However a person chooses to react to an OP is their option.
I do not recall ………….."a bag of cats". That phrase has never crossed my mind. Speak for yourself.

Whatever your opinion, whatever your reaction, TO the OP, take ownership
 curvylady1965
Joined: 12/31/2017
Msg: 15
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*trigger* Have I broken it off too soon?
Posted: 12/23/2018 3:58:28 PM
Ditto Strat and LIR.

OP, life is shorter than you may realize at this point. You aren't his savior or his therapist. Don't waste time on pursuing something that cannot be. MANY are not in a place where they should ever even think about pursuing a relationship and when they do, frankly I think they are being selfish to inflict themselves on someone else. Harsh? Maybe. Then again, I never claimed to be sweet.
 Katy_124
Joined: 11/14/2014
Msg: 16
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*trigger* Have I broken it off too soon?
Posted: 12/24/2018 2:56:19 AM
It’s just been difficult as for the first 2 months or so he seemed largely normal, it felt like the honeymoon period & I felt more connected to him on multiple levels than I have with others at that stage. In other words, I don’t often connect so strongly with someone and it would be sod’s laws that these issues prevent us from getting more serious.

He said himself he wasn’t sure it would be ‘fair’ to me to get more involved with him. Some of your perspectives have been really helpful. I am happy to be his friend for now and I do worry about him, but I’m trying to take a step back for the moment. The mixed messages were too painful for me, even though I know they are a result of what is happening to him right now.
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 17
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*trigger* Have I broken it off too soon?
Posted: 12/24/2018 4:54:43 AM
Third thread about the same guy? Oh boy, here we go again...
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 18
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*trigger* Have I broken it off too soon?
Posted: 12/24/2018 6:08:29 AM

It’s just been difficult as for the first 2 months or so he seemed largely normal, it felt like the honeymoon period & I felt more connected to him on multiple levels than I have with others at that stage.


- I understand - you fell in love with him. Two months is just long enough for that to happen.


I am happy to be his friend for now and I do worry about him, but I’m trying to take a step back for the moment. The mixed messages were too painful for me, even though I know they are a result of what is happening to him right now.


- one thing you could do is date other men. Maybe you'll catch feelings for another one who does not have a deal-breaking problem.
 dondea
Joined: 12/10/2007
Msg: 19
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*trigger* Have I broken it off too soon?
Posted: 12/24/2018 6:46:05 AM

Yes, you have done the right thing. He sounds like he has more issues than Sports Illustrated.


Stratosfere, thanks for my belly laugh of the day! Merry Christmas!
 Katy_124
Joined: 11/14/2014
Msg: 20
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*trigger* Have I broken it off too soon?
Posted: 12/24/2018 6:54:32 AM
And there it is. I got a lump in my throat reading that Hemingway - I think I’d been trying to pretend otherwise but yes, I did. But I also broke it off at the moment I was feeling that love, which I feel is progress for me. Usually I would let my heart lead at all times but for a change I was more rational. Even though I knew t meant throwing him away. :(

I think I am going to take a bit more time to myself again for now, before I get back out there. It sue does get exhausting, especially when I only truly connect with someone romantically every so often.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 21
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*trigger* Have I broken it off too soon?
Posted: 12/24/2018 8:52:44 AM
Katy, I understand what you are going through. It is so hard to find that connection to someone where you are attracted to someone and know that in the right circumstances they would be a great match for you. I'm still sad at the fact that I met a guy I connected with and he ticked off so many of my boxes (I was attracted to him, we had so much in common, he was a great dad, he was someone I think my kids would have liked and respected, I connected emotionally with him and the sex was great) BUT he moved 8 hours away so he could be by his kids when their mom moved them to be with her boyfriend. I know I could never move there so that meant the end. We still talk but I think we are just delaying the fact nothing can never happen and I have to let go. I go on pof and none of the guys come close to him. You are left fantasizing about the what ifs and it sucks.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 22
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*trigger* Have I broken it off too soon?
Posted: 12/24/2018 1:55:43 PM

You are left fantasizing about the what ifs and it sucks.


That's the problem....you were living a fantasy to start with by lying to yourself it could "be more"...
and now you are left with nothing but the fantasies.
In spite of being forwarned that is exactly what would happen.

Katy at least sees the writing on the wall and is smart enough to remove herself from a no-win situation.
 Natey2
Joined: 7/4/2011
Msg: 23
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*trigger* Have I broken it off too soon?
Posted: 12/26/2018 8:00:45 AM
Msg: 21

We still talk but I think we are just delaying the fact nothing can never happen and I have to let go.

Sometimes it helps to feel happy for the partner who left to be with someone else.
Think about your partner's happiness with another woman he met... if you're happy that he's happy, then you can move on to other things happily too, e.g. I'm very happy that my ex-wife might be meeting another guy.
 julystorm22
Joined: 6/15/2018
Msg: 24
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*trigger* Have I broken it off too soon?
Posted: 12/26/2018 9:47:23 AM
: I couldn't care less about my ex. Never missed him a single minute since we've been split. Just wish I still didn't have to deal with him but unfortunately I have another 16 years before my youngest turns 18. The guy above that I was referring to was never a boyfriend, just a sort of friend. I could've ended things early on, knowing there was no future but I enjoyed being "in like". Its such a great feeling really liking someone and spending time with them. I guess you could call it a crush. Since I was a kid I always had crushes, knowing they'd never come to anything because the guy was always either not interested in me or interested in or with someone else. Very few times I outright let the guy know because every time it ended him hanging out with me. I've learned its better to have these crushes where I feel happy and hopeful rather than accepting the real fact that the guy doesn't like me the same way I like him. And at least this time I was actually sleeping with the guy I had a crush on, that only happened one other time so at least part of my fantasy came true. The OP, Katy talked about that romantic bubble that can exist and it feels so damn good even when you know it'll be short-lived.
 BaldwinMotionPhaseIII
Joined: 10/15/2018
Msg: 25
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if you play with it too much, you will break it off eventually
Posted: 12/26/2018 10:04:51 AM
"you were living in a fantasy"

>>>for some, its all they ever had :) still, they got something out of it, as opposed to those who didn't try b/c they were so sure it was all for naught. in the end...no one is ever satisfied with what they ended up with, they wished it had been more...or lasted longer...or...
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