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 CBGB77
Joined: 12/15/2017
Msg: 1
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The Science of Happily Ever AfterPage 1 of 1    
Interesting article that first appeared in the Atlantic

https://getpocket.com/explore/item/masters-of-love

"Every day in June, the most popular wedding month of the year, about 13,000 American couples will say “I do,” committing to a lifelong relationship that will be full of friendship, joy, and love that will carry them forward to their final days on this earth.

Except, of course, it doesn’t work out that way for most people. The majority of marriages fail, either ending in divorce and separation or devolving into bitterness and dysfunction. Of all the people who get married, only three in ten remain in healthy, happy marriages, as psychologist Ty Tashiro points out in his book The Science of Happily Ever After"
The Science of Happily Ever After
Posted: 12/28/2018 11:24:11 AM
so if they got married in June, when did they start dating? beginning of spring? i'll have to read the article, but i think its been discussed before, the reasons for divorce. most people aren't healthy enough to enter into such a long contract. too many marry for the wrong reasons (financial, to have kids, to be an adult, to get out of the parents' house, b/c their friends are doing it, etc).
 PennyAnte
Joined: 4/17/2016
Msg: 3
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The Science of Happily Ever After
Posted: 12/29/2018 11:08:31 AM
I read the article and I liked it. Thanks for sharing it OP. I think that "active constructive responding is the kindest" is the way most relationships thrive. I would say it is true the way you treat your parents, siblings, children, other relatives and friends. It is a powerful way to maintain the quality and functionality of any relationship not just a spouse or significant other. Kindness breeds kindness.
"Happily Ever After" comes when you can do it alone as well as with someone
Posted: 12/31/2018 10:53:36 AM
i liked the article, but it left me wanting more :)
it mentioned "disasters" who pretend everything is good, but body language says otherwise. it would be interesting to test them on their workplace and family, and see if the results are the same. maybe they are pathological liars? when its mentioned they seek out conflict with a spouse, i wonder if they engage that way with coworkers and friends. maybe they love drama. i also wonder when the pattern of conflict began--were they originally OK with their partner, then their partner hurt them and the conflict began?

what was their childhood like? i've known couples that stayed married (but should have divorced) b/c they couldn't afford to separate. it seemed like their idea of marriage was it was like their parents', always a battlezone. then there were other couples who should divorce, couldn't afford it, but then did it anyway...b/c they could see what good marriages looked like, and knew they were in a bad place. some people may marry thinking its going to make them a better person.

praise of a partner is nice, but it has to be honest praise. faked praise eventually is seen thru. i think the ability to take an interest in a partner stems from things other than an ability to praise.that seems more like a "symptom" than a cause.
 Million_Reasons
Joined: 10/23/2018
Msg: 5
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Happily Ever After comes when you can do it alone as well as with someone
Posted: 12/31/2018 9:26:07 PM
Maybe....we just became a throw-away-society in all respects.

Happily ever after takes work. Disney tends to end the story before that bit of truth comes out. ;)

 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 6
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Happily Ever After comes when you can do it alone as well as with someone
Posted: 1/1/2019 1:40:23 AM
Here we go again with fake history, try looking up real history of divorce and such. Look at laws passed by men to keep women and children down which caused a lot of marriages to last. Disposable BS as something new, my grandmother was born in 1908, she was married 4 times, divorced 3 times and had 2 sons by 2 different husbands, she also had tattoos, people seem to think women weren't getting tattoos until recently. People have not changed, fake history, movies, books and TV make up a lot of fake history.
 Million_Reasons
Joined: 10/23/2018
Msg: 7
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Happily Ever After comes when you can do it alone as well as with someone
Posted: 1/2/2019 4:10:56 PM
^Looks like your grandmother was a pioneer. Quite the acomplishment.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 8
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Happily Ever After comes when you can do it alone as well as with someone
Posted: 1/2/2019 5:59:12 PM
Except she wasn't, lots of women were like her, they had low paying jobs, times were full of parties, lots of men, bad marriages, etc., pretty much like today, only today women can get an education, they can do jobs that were once held back for only men, etc. Also women aren't as likely to lie about their lives as they once often did. My grandmother was more open than many, but then in her last marriage was to an older, controlling man and she slid into the background, it was sad. People should have equal opportunities, not based on gender, but on what they want and whether or not they can do it.
 Million_Reasons
Joined: 10/23/2018
Msg: 9
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Happily Ever After comes when you can do it alone as well as with someone
Posted: 1/2/2019 6:13:58 PM
^One or two failed marriages could plausibly be attributed to stated external factors but four?

Not convincing. Sorry. Sounds more like a bad picker. It happens.


 Natey2
Joined: 7/4/2011
Msg: 10
The Science of Happily Ever After
Posted: 1/4/2019 8:25:21 AM
Re: Tattoos
Growing up, anybody who had a tattoo was a criminal or some other kind of bad person.
Not so anymore.
And women hardly had tattoos a long time ago, compared to these days.

Re: Marriage and subsequent divorce
If the US got rid of the tax break for Married Filing Jointly, less people would want to get married, I think.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 11
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The Science of Happily Ever After
Posted: 1/4/2019 9:16:44 AM
Not so, my grandmother grew up in the era where women were fighting to be free of shackles, lots more broken marriages and wild behavior. That was my Father's mother, my Mother's father whom she liked to throw in my Father's face, was found to have been married to someone else and had two daughters. He abandoned them, just walked away, never gave them a dime. This was found out when my Mother's niece when she was doing our genealogy, long after my Mother's parents were dead. This sort of thing isn't odd to find if you dig deeply into your family history.
 dondea
Joined: 12/10/2007
Msg: 12
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The Science of Happily Ever After
Posted: 1/4/2019 9:10:31 PM
Daynadaze, I agree. The Science of Happily Ever After book is plain B.S. It's full of philosophy, but humanity has changed very little even in modern times. Marriages begin, some succeed, some fail.

An analogy of this is like the history of weather. Many lives are now saved because of technology, but people who claim the weather is getting worse are full of it. Yes, the climate is getting warmer, but the rain, drought and severe storms are pretty much the same as in the 18th, 19th, 20th and 21st centuries. It's only because of mass communication that we are aware of it. Marriages are similar. We know more about it, but it's still the same. Some succeed, some fail.
 purplerider1200
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 13
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The Science of Happily Ever After
Posted: 1/5/2019 7:20:18 AM
I wouldn't speculate on the weather at all. Going back a couple centuries is only a tic or two, on the time clock of our planet's existence. Some, have said that the Mesozoic era was much warmer that it is today. Was it? To this day, no one has found a caveman scribble about one holding a thermometer.

It's just the same in relationships. Who's to say what sure fire way works? That book was written for only one reason-to make money. It's the information that's changed. When we can draw on hundreds of recommendations that are at our fingertips, then who's to say what's right? It's more discussable now, because we have forums to exchange ideas.

I think we really need to put a grain of salt to what we can read on the web.
 dondea
Joined: 12/10/2007
Msg: 14
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The Science of Happily Ever After
Posted: 1/5/2019 5:03:53 PM
I wholeheartedly agree, purplerider1200.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
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The Science of Happily Ever After
Posted: 1/14/2019 1:08:50 PM

The majority of marriages fail, either ending in divorce and separation or devolving into bitterness and dysfunction. Of all the people who get married, only three in ten remain in healthy, happy marriages

Not surprising. People are more in love with being married than they are with the someone they will marry -- and not realizing it, as the lines get fuzzy between the two. Peer pressure is always thought of Eddie Haskel (or fem version) in junior high or high school pressuring you to do something bad/naughty/weird. The biggest peer pressure is what everyone's "doing" -- that fits both friends & family members' docket -- and giving you a weird look if you're wanting to miss out.

When one's single & wants to be married in-and-of-itself, that's two strikes against them -- and they usually don't realize it. Even if that desire isn't So strong at the time, it's still an "insert person here" for fulfillment. In today's day and age, it's much easier to be tempted to stray from an LTR that's not in it's ideal mode. Like heeding young biological adults from diving into the deep end of the pool in life more so today than yester-years -- it's a good idea to heed running off in the sunset, which they are doing to some extent. But in the end, that "get married" social bug will always have a lot of weight to it... and the more weight it has, the higher the % of divorces or unfruitful marriages to exist in this very interactive, socially-connected world (as you'll rely more on lucking-out in compatibility).
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 16
The Science of Happily Ever After
Posted: 1/16/2019 6:30:11 AM

The majority of marriages fail, either ending in divorce and separation or devolving into bitterness and dysfunction. Of all the people who get married, only three in ten remain in healthy, happy marriages


- and it's about the same with couples who are not married.
 CBGB77
Joined: 12/15/2017
Msg: 17
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The Science of Happily Ever After
Posted: 3/19/2019 10:57:27 AM
"There are many reasons why relationships fail, but if you look at what drives the deterioration of many relationships, it’s often a breakdown of kindness. As the normal stresses of a life together pile up—with children, career, friend, in-laws, and other distractions crowding out the time for romance and intimacy—couples may put less effort into their relationship and let the petty grievances they hold against one another tear them apart. In most marriages, levels of satisfaction drop dramatically within the first few years together. But among couples who not only endure, but live happily together for years and years, the spirit of kindness and generosity guides them forward."
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 18
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The Science of Happily Ever After
Posted: 3/19/2019 11:14:25 AM

There are many reasons why relationships fail, but if you look at what drives the deterioration of many relationships, it’s often a breakdown of kindness.

But I think one of the key things to consider is: Why does that kindness break down? It's not like they had 3 great dates and got married & prego immediately following ("what's your middle name again, honey?").

It's easy to say "Oh, be kind". The key concept, IMO is: Why are they emotively Not wanting to be so kind? Or better put, why are they clearly feeling unfulfilled in this LTR/marriage?

I think we're Not supposed to feel unfulfilled in a Relationship. We're "supposed" to have not grown apart, we're "supposed" to be in an ideal situation and Feel it as 100% fact, even though that can certainly Not be the case. Some people are better at lying to themselves than others? ;)
 Inicia
Joined: 10/11/2018
Msg: 19
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The Science of Happily Ever After
Posted: 3/24/2019 9:19:32 AM
Reality: is different ideas of kindness exist, think of healthcare field "pulling off a bandaid quick as to careful ", " i'd rather live in ignorance of a chronic or terminal diagnosis" "even pain meds are subject to a preference"? Than we have to guarantee everything We say or do Is our partners idea of kind and that Becomes the condition of love??? So are we actually loving the human VS their prophetic skill and capabilities of determining and being motivated by our emotions ?

Aforementioned, is the the Possible immaturity of those pursuing relationships, as well as, this instant gratification/ throw away society. We, indeed, believe we shouldn't have to deal with any negative emotion. Anything, other than happy, needs to be fixed and or thrown away. Learning to process our own emotions, rather than living in the mistaken ideology that a partner or relationship is“ responsible”for our happiness, and that happy is the only emotion to seek and have:' Happily Ever After ' too funny that is the problem right there

Regardless readily available divorces, minus past stigma; certainly, allow the dissolution of a marriage beyond bearable for whatever reasons by/for either member.
My daughter in law comes from a very religious family and her mother believes that her daughter was not raised To "get a divorce ".. I Love my daughter in law. Therefore , prior to the marriage, I spoke with her if the marriage ever became hideous would she be willing to divorce my son? . I was very happy when she assured me that she was strong enough in her own person to make that choice .
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