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A dear friend of mine told me that he has it all figured out about women ; like he's hacked their biological brain-code or something. He knows the female psyche back-to-front and he knows how to mojo his wife too. He has a system. He tells me that by using this system he can consistently predict how women will respond to everything. He calls this Chick Prediction Technology (CPT).

There he was , flapping his stubby mitts and all wide-eyed about sharing this with me. It was like listening to Chicken Little explain about the whole universe. He babbled on in great detail about how he uses this CPT on his wife and gets his way every time. He winds her up and she dances to his tune.

The thing is , my friend's wife could make good money grinding stumps with her tongue. The neighbour's pit bull won't come out of the house ever since she bit him. That poor dog tips his leg out the door and wets the welcome mat so he doesn't have to go outside and risk running into her. Predictable isn't how I would describe her. That woman is about as predictable as a bi-polar kangaroo on seven cups of espresso. She rules her tiny fiefdom in a tin bra and a hat with antlers and he plays the role of the helpless villager who doesn't get any sex until she sees real tears.

So while he's rabbiting on about the deeper zen of this dubious CPT system , I'm wondering whether this is some kind of a complex coping mechanism or just a half-baked delusion. I feel the urge to set him straight about this dangerous nonsense of his and what kind of consequences that it might breed but with a face like a witch doctor's rattle , he's about as close to being happy as he's ever likely to get and I wouldn't want to take that away from him. Delusion is a poor man's Prozac.

What a shame that his mad dream isn't something that really works. How nice it would be to take off these sweaty rhinohide mittens and handle women with just bare hands. The battle of the sexes would finally settle down to a businesslike hum and maybe we could save the last few pieces of grandma's china.

Leonardo Da Vinci worked on a rather primitive set of experiments in female predictability. Apparently he became hopelessly bogged down working out the equations for ugly mood swings. He never actually found a single causal factor. So he went on to paint out his frustration on poor Mona who got stuck for all eternity with a smile that made her the poster girl for PMS. If you look carefully you can see that he caught her in mid-shift , just as she was turning evil.

How to predict female behavior has been discussed for almost ever. That long and futile discussion is actually a key part of the story of the invention of hard liquor. But that's another story for another time.
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