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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > How much texting after a first meet is too much?      Home login  
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 SurelyIamShirley
Joined: 7/22/2016
Msg: 1
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How much texting after a first meet is too much?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
So, I had coffee last Wednesday evening with a 59 year old man who is not too hard to look at, good conversationalist, quirky sense of humor and is honest about his 17 years of sobriety. 2.5 hours of chat and we agree that we would like to see each other again. He began texting me not 5 minutes after I arrived home. It is now Sunday night and he has initiated some 30 texts. Most with a question, others with just random thoughts. I told him politely by text that I wasn't really into text chatter but would prefer a phone call or a visit. Then last night he texts at 10:48, knowing I was sick, asking if it was too late for a phone call but I was sleeping and didn't hear it. Several more texts today and I'm still sick. The polite thing for me to do would be to give him a phone call, but I feel like I've heard enough from him already. Geez. I get that he's eager but really? What do you think? How much is too much?
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 2
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How much texting after a first meet is too much?
Posted: 1/13/2019 8:34:43 PM
For me, someone who has no respect for my boundaries spells the kiss of death.

You have: "told him politely by text that I wasn't really into text chatter but would prefer a phone call or a visit."

"then last night he texts at 10:48, knowing I was sick,"

Man only cares about his needs. Your needs aren't considered.

Big sigh!

Otherwise, he sounds very dateable.
 siisaa
Joined: 8/6/2017
Msg: 3
How much texting after a first meet is too much?
Posted: 1/13/2019 10:23:57 PM

What do you think? How much is too much?


He's coming on too eager and that's obviously turning you off. When I was dating I'd tell new guys, "I'm not big on texting and only use it to make or confirm plans."

"Too much" is a very individual preference and he's already crossed that boundary. Chronic texters are annoying. The first man I met after my engagement ended in June 2017 was like that, he'd just text benign random things, some of which didn't even warrant an answer. When I wouldn't reply, he'd take that as a sign to send more texts which included dumb questions such as, "How was your laundry?" (I told him earlier that I was doing laundry that day). Eventually I blocked him.
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 4
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How much texting after a first meet is too much?
Posted: 1/14/2019 4:47:20 AM

30 texts


Makes me wonder if the guy is married or has a significant other. Easier to hide texting than a phone call.
 grover14
Joined: 2/14/2014
Msg: 5
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How much texting after a first meet is too much?
Posted: 1/14/2019 5:55:20 AM
I'm not a big texting fan. That sounds a little obsessive to me. You told him you don't care for texting, if he continues, walk away.
 ssm508
Joined: 5/27/2018
Msg: 6
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How much texting after a first meet is too much?
Posted: 1/14/2019 8:52:18 AM
The OP can call him and be polite. But firm as a final warning/chance. If he continues the same behavior, then she can move on.


Makes me wonder if the guy is married or has a significant other. Easier to hide texting than a phone call.


I don't mind communicating by text although blowing up my phone with constant texts could be excessive. But I wouldn't assume that person is married or in a relationship. Some people just don't like talking on the phone. A person that is married or in a relationship can call you when his/her partner isn't around. I briefly dated a woman until I found out she was married. Her husband traveled often because of his job. Thus she would call me when she was at work, in her car, out doing errands, or at home when was away.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 7
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How much texting after a first meet is too much?
Posted: 1/14/2019 9:05:13 AM
I prefer texts to phone calls, but I don't give out that info in the first place. Obviously he doesn't care anything about you or your requests, dump him now. It's not going to get better and now he has your info.
 johnfromzelie
Joined: 3/8/2018
Msg: 8
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How much texting after a first meet is too much?
Posted: 1/14/2019 9:30:16 AM
don't agree with most of the assumptions. maybe obsessed, maybe a chronic texter. the thing I like about texting is you can message at any time and I respond when I feel like it. a 4:00 a.m. text would not cross my boundries. that being said, no way I want multiple texts about nothing on a constant basis. then there is the posable obsession. huge turn off but maybe just one of those that spends every waking moment texting everybody or on facebook.
 SurelyIamShirley
Joined: 7/22/2016
Msg: 9
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How much texting after a first meet is too much?
Posted: 1/14/2019 10:38:23 AM
FYI Update
I had accepted his FB request and last night, I'm having trouble sleeping and looking at FB, and he pops into my messenger at 11:30 wanting to chat. Now I'm feeling creeped out. Just now, I told him thanks but no thanks in a polite way and why. Told him I wasn't 13 and that bombardment of text messages plus last night was not something I was interested in. He replied back with excuses but seemed to accept it. Whew!
 SurelyIamShirley
Joined: 7/22/2016
Msg: 10
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How much texting after a first meet is too much?
Posted: 1/14/2019 10:39:00 AM
Thanks all for your insights!
 pfif
Joined: 8/25/2013
Msg: 11
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How much texting after a first meet is too much?
Posted: 1/14/2019 11:13:48 AM
A (very) long time ago, I asked a close woman friend (10 yr age
difference) if I talked too much. While we were going somewhere
in her car.

Without hesitation, she responded "How would I know what is too
much for you?"

One of the most generous things anyone has ever said to me. I still
remember it (and her).

* * *

That man will probably learn not to make those same mistakes with
the next woman (if there is one). Probably (at least at first) by faking
it .. pretending he's less of what he is (with regard to this) than he
really is.

People learn from their mistakes, if they're lucky.

Also, men in this age group were really very late to the game, learning
much about telecommunications for personal uses, beyond simple
phone calls (which we grew up with). I expect just about everybody
who's ever going to SMS text has already done so, and made their
first round of newcomer mistakes.

It took a decade and a half for people (our age) (that I knew) to get over
the fact that email exists, is instant -- and (finally) a nuisance, when
overdone. As an early adopter, I had to (serially) inform each one,
as they came online, that I wasn't going to be receptive to (what I
would back then term) 'office copier machine generated humor' (which
was the closest available analogy).

* * *

But yeah, 30 SMS messages in 24 hours is way overboard -- two or
three (max) the first 24 hours, then a good long stewing period.

(I'm going to say at least three days, though I'm sorely out of practice
on this.)

What if he had (instead) encountered someone who actually wanted
that much SMS text contact? ROFL
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 12
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How much texting after a first meet is too much?
Posted: 1/14/2019 12:02:46 PM
It's not that texting after a 1st-meet is too much. If that by itself is too much, one's too sensitive. Instead, it's how often and eager it is. He obviously was too pushy about it.

I told him politely by text that I wasn't really into text chatter but would prefer a phone call or a visit.

Okay, at this point, him replying is 100% OK. Even if asking if it's too late to give a ya call (an original reason why text was invented). But if he sent you multiple texts after that the next day before you ever responded, that is too much. Him sending you that text at night was fine -- but he shouldn't have sent you a text until it was closing in on 24 hours later.

After all, if the whole day & night went by and you never responded -- your interest ain't there anyway, so nothing to lose by sending a text at, say, close to 9PM with "Just let me know when you'd like to talk on the phone. Hope you're getting better." But then never saying anything after that, ball purely in your court. Question is: IF that's what unfolded and all that happened, would you have been so inclined to reply?
 ssm508
Joined: 5/27/2018
Msg: 13
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How much texting after a first meet is too much?
Posted: 1/14/2019 5:02:30 PM
Typo on my previous post. I meant to say on the last sentence "Thus she would call me when she was at work, in her car, out doing errands, or at home when was he was away".
 jerseynative7
Joined: 10/26/2018
Msg: 14
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How much texting after a first meet is too much?
Posted: 1/14/2019 7:36:09 PM
You only had 1 date so why did you accept his friend request? You arent friends. Now he can hassle you when he sees you online.
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 15
How much texting after a first meet is too much?
Posted: 1/14/2019 8:22:56 PM
LOL, Call me weird, call me old fashioned...…………..oh for Gawds sake just call me. Anytime after 3:30 pm, when I get off work, and PLEASE not after 9PM. Before all this "texting" BS when people TALKED on a phone there were certain polite manners one would follow. You did not call a person before they normally woke up and you didn't call after bedtime!

As a few others have mentioned I use "texting" from a cell phone for short info / very short sentences. I can not / will not attempt to have a conversation by "Texting". If you call me and I can't answer, leave a message. And PLEASE don't bother me while I'm at work. I use my phone for an alarm clock so if you "text me", and it's 1 AM, you just woke me up. I'm PO'd!


I have found one of the biggest factors for me to meet a man and deem him compatible is to be clear about HOW to communicate, and WHEN. We are either completely in agreement or...…………...STFU, quit tappin' quit swipen', I'm done.
And Facebook? Not bloody likely. I have ?28 friends, mostly family.

Op, set your ground rules from the git go and stick with'm. Too much or too little, or how...……….. is your choice
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 16
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How much texting after a first meet is too much?
Posted: 1/14/2019 9:09:16 PM

LOL, Call me weird, call me old fashioned...…………..oh for Gawds sake just call me. Anytime after 3:30 pm, when I get off work, and PLEASE not after 9PM. Before all this "texting" BS when people TALKED on a phone there were certain polite manners one would follow. You did not call a person before they normally woke up and you didn't call after bedtime!

As a few others have mentioned I use "texting" from a cell phone for short info / very short sentences. I can not / will not attempt to have a conversation by "Texting". If you call me and I can't answer, leave a message. And PLEASE don't bother me while I'm at work. I use my phone for an alarm clock so if you "text me", and it's 1 AM, you just woke me up. I'm PO'd!


You're weird and old fashioned, but I am too!
 grover14
Joined: 2/14/2014
Msg: 17
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How much texting after a first meet is too much?
Posted: 1/16/2019 6:17:24 AM
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Exactly what Ladyinred said!
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 18
How much texting after a first meet is too much?
Posted: 1/16/2019 6:51:33 AM
Glad to see your thread Shirley.



I told him politely by text that I wasn't really into text chatter but would prefer a phone call or a visit.



- I wish more women would say that to me..... a woman wanting to date is a good thing.

Also, I love it how Canadians call a date a "visit"! That's very cute-cute.




 SurelyIamShirley
Joined: 7/22/2016
Msg: 19
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How much texting after a first meet is too much?
Posted: 1/21/2019 3:11:41 PM
Lady in Red.....I'm old fashioned too. Go figure.
Hemingway234 - To me, suggesting a date is forward and may have him thinking I'm looking for a free meal. A visit can be a walk in the park, a cup of coffee, just something casual. I think I'm actually quite different from many of the women described by men in these forums. As I dislike text chatter, I also dislike any kind of typing chatter. If we are connecting, then it's time for a phone call and then perhaps a meeting. I do however enjoy the forums although they were a lot more interesting some years ago. Oh well. We now have Twitter, and Instagram, and FB and the list goes on.
Thank you everyone for your comments.
FYI though.....I did get some angry texts after the fact. I was forced to block him from FB, Messenger, and POF.
 backcreek7
Joined: 12/2/2014
Msg: 20
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How much texting after a first meet is too much?
Posted: 1/21/2019 4:49:48 PM
.... Personally, I'm not into texting so much or any social media other then here. Pof sort of gives me something to do, in between a few glasses of wine > while watching TV or listening to music. The forums are cool, and the vast majority in here are good and decent people.

... Pof ( & the wine ) kinda keeps my bwain ( that's right bwain ) > perky, yep it does ~ col.

.... As far as texting goes, it is an excellent way to keep in needed touch with my daughter. We do plenty of real talking , as we are sort of co - dependent. Me for staying active in her life, and also for giving her rides to work & such. I will say though, I was in a serious long distance relationship once and we learned a massive amount about each other from texting. Seems both of us were gifted in the " mind to text " form of communication. So it does / did have its place and can be helpful.

.... To be truthful, neither myself nor 2 brothers, a sister & daughter can stand talking on the phone too often, unless there's a reason or purpose . It's a serious family phobia, col ....... One more thing though. Tomorrow all across the United States, a new law should go into effect - If you are caught texting ( proven by your cellphone memory or photos, etc ) while driving , you should lose your drivers license for a year & have to pay a 500$ fine. This is just for the 1st offense, you get caught texting again and your driving is over for a good hunk of your life.

.... I'm thinkin', we could pay off our deficit with China in a VERY short period of time ( sad )

.... & ps your right Shirley ~ life is too short, to have a person attempt to suck the very life outta ya .... ( wink )


heart / sun
 pfif
Joined: 8/25/2013
Msg: 21
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How much texting after a first meet is too much?
Posted: 1/22/2019 7:45:27 PM
Here's how I think it breaks down. It's pretty simple:

Texting is horrible for conflict resolution (stranger dating
-- by it's nature -- contains lots of conflict, early -- that's
just how it goes when you are meeting strangers).

Texting is lukewarm okay for good friends to stay in
touch, using light humor (and of course, utilitarian
uses such as establishing the meeting place and time --
may even enhance the experience for the both of you,
as it provides a permanent record, kind of a micro-blog
or journal of important meetings and exchanged
information). Trusted friends can use it safely, if
you promise to keep it light.

There is nothing, short of a telephone call or an in-person
visit (or Skype and the like) for conflict resolution, and
for alleviating doubt -- or revealing it!

Part of trust building comes directly from expressing
doubt and tentativeness; showing that you, yourself, do
not think you are infallible, or unable to be mistaken on
any given point (or just god almighty) and other such
qualifying information that moderates any noticed
posturing (with qualifiers) -- to let them know just how
approachable (and exploring-oriented) you really are.

That the two of you are in it, together. Not adversarial.

Texting will screw that up. Bet on it.

(there's some posturing for ya!)
(hehe)
 Natey2
Joined: 7/4/2011
Msg: 22
How much texting after a first meet is too much?
Posted: 1/23/2019 4:18:39 PM
I prefer texting to talking. You can parallel text different people around the same time, but you can only talk to one at a time.
Talking is good when both parties are really free to do so and have nothing else to do.

Too many people these days demand 100% of your attention for trivial things. I'd avoid them.
I mean, think of this POF forum... how many of us actually want to talk one on one to somebody else here instead of just posting something whenever, right?

I only devote 100% when having sex.
I am not going to devote 100% to a phone call.
They are not at the same "level".

Texting only requires about 10% to 20% of your attention, so frees you to focus on other things (not necessarily other people), like work, etc.
 am70sguy
Joined: 6/11/2005
Msg: 23
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How much texting after a first meet is too much?
Posted: 1/24/2019 1:27:48 AM
You're pretty cute. He sounds clingy with security issues. If he can't save it up for a real phone call without depleting all the conversation ahead of time from texting, and is now living on facebook awaiting an appearance, cut and run now before things get ugly(er).
 flowersinthelake
Joined: 5/11/2018
Msg: 24
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How much texting after a first meet is too much?
Posted: 1/24/2019 4:26:34 AM
Block his communications.
 BaldwinMotionPhaseIII
Joined: 10/15/2018
Msg: 25
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How much texting after a first meet is too much?
Posted: 1/24/2019 8:39:23 AM
i don't have an "electronic leash", and that settles the texting issue. last date wanted to put me on her phone plan so she could text, but i figured she was going to bolt before that first bill came in :)

people communicate in different ways. when landlines were the only option, i remember thinking it was like the doorbell. i could chose to invite the person "in", or i could decide not to. if the 59 yr old wasn't so easy to look at, how would you handle things then? treat the goodlooking man the way you'd treat anyone else. its consistant, it shows boundaries, and its healthy. well, maybe not for a sex life :)
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