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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Reconnecting with a ex after 10 years.      Home login  
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 RopingDummy
Joined: 11/12/2017
Msg: 1
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Reconnecting with a ex after 10 years.Page 1 of 1    
Back when I was 28, I started seeing a very beautiful gal who I had alot in common with. It only lasted about 6 months due to her (she was 21 at the time) not having alot of free time and such. We stayed in contact for a few months after the breakup, but then it fizzled. Fast forward about 9 years. I looked her up as I drove past her old place where we had all our good and not so good times, and we stayed in touch once every 6 weeks or so. Then about a month ago I messaged her and it was a different conversation every few days. I made a surprise visit to her place (1380 miles away) on Christmas eve and ended up staying 2 weeks. Nothing happened, no romantic gestures of any kind. She said she is not interested in dating presently, but here's where I'm not sure if I'm getting mixed signals. Ever since I got home, she calls me once or twice a day (she never called before I went there), texts lots throughout the day and our conversations have gone from everything about our previous relationship and the good/bad times, to everything thats happened in between. Over the last couple days, it's gotten deep. 2 nights ago she asked me if men admire and adore their GF anymore since it seems to be a slipping trend, and then tonight we got into a conversation about soul mates and how you know you've found the one. I'm slightly confused by all this, if this is a sign that she is waiting for me to make a move and tell her what I really feel (that I'd love to try this again) or how I'm supposed to take all this. Is this a normal thing for friends to talk about (being man and woman) in this type of situation? Ive been very patient with all this, but I would love to persue things further. Thoughts please...
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 2
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Reconnecting with a ex after 10 years.
Posted: 1/15/2019 1:59:31 AM

It only lasted about 6 months due to her (she was 21 at the time) not having alot of free time and such. We stayed in contact for a few months after the breakup, but then it fizzled.

Lack of interest. :) Not that being a busy college-student / young-worker wouldn't play a role in her free time. But free time becomes more valuable -- thus more picky about who they're interested in. More yummy college guys at her disposal. Anyway, that was almost 10 years ago...

I looked her up as I drove past her old place where we had all our good and not so good times, and we stayed in touch once every 6 weeks or so.

That's OK, but, you want to keep it that way, unless she's all about you or something. Being friendly and conversational and nice doesn't equal that.

I made a surprise visit to her place (1380 miles away) on Christmas eve and ended up staying 2 weeks. Nothing happened, no romantic gestures of any kind. She said she is not interested in dating presently, but here's where I'm not sure if I'm getting mixed signals.

That was a waste of time. You're obviously emotionally chasing her. Xmas Eve and staying out there 2 weeks just to be around her -- where she Clearly has no interest. Yikes. BTW: She is potentially interested in dating -- just not you.

Ever since I got home, she calls me once or twice a day (she never called before I went there), texts lots throughout the day and our conversations have gone from everything about our previous relationship and the good/bad times, to everything thats happened in between.

You're getting attention. You're back far away -- it's easier for her to get the attention. Your surprise visit, which was a little stalker-ish, did at least leave her with a good impression after you were (phew) gone. She genuinely appreciated the concept and wished there were more guys like you (that she'd be Actually interested in).

then tonight we got into a conversation about soul mates and how you know you've found the one. I'm slightly confused by all this, if this is a sign that she is waiting for me to make a move and tell her what I really feel (that I'd love to try this again) or how I'm supposed to take all this.

She is leaning on you. She already friend-zoned you. Now, theoretically, given the unique situation of you surprising her + leaving her with nostalgic thoughts & feelings about dating-relationships -- but LD relationships Don't Work. Especially with girls who were "too busy" to date you, and clearly wasn't into you when you visited her for 2 weeks by your own volition (but you're harmless).

You're obviously confused, and nothing I can say can change your mind about some "real chance" with her, despite her living almost 1,500 miles away and demonstrated no-interest. You don't have to make any Big Move to see if she has any waivering feelings for ya. You just tell her "Well, it should come as no shocker, obviously, but I do have feelings for you. Does that make you feel uncomfortable?" Here's the kicker: If she has any feelings for you, even if in-the-moment/so-so-meh, she won't be freaked out by that at all. I mean, she already does know. But if it DOES make it weird with her at all -- it's because she realizes she's just giving you the run around.

In the end, even if she did have some feelings -- it's not worth it, man. Not. Worth. It. You're wasting your time. You're barking up the wrong tree. But at least do something to bring the concept to the surface, since you two have been talking about guys & girls & feelings. She KNOWS you're interested in her, in-that-way. Bring it up. If you're wanting female-attention in return to someone you're attracted to, heck, you may get a bit of it -- or her feeling kinda weird and backing off. Which is good, because when wasting your time (like you are), you at least want that time wasted with a gal who can at least roll with you liking her and not having to be weirded out by facing the obvious. :)
 SomewhereInTheStratosfere
Joined: 4/1/2018
Msg: 3
Reconnecting with a ex after 10 years.
Posted: 1/15/2019 6:05:59 AM
Going to agree with Norwegian, on this one. If she were interested in you in a romantic way, she'd be on you like white on rice.
 spot4username
Joined: 12/15/2015
Msg: 4
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Reconnecting with a ex after 10 years.
Posted: 1/15/2019 6:12:28 AM
A *surprise* visit that lasts two weeks? No thank you. /shudder/
 RopingDummy
Joined: 11/12/2017
Msg: 5
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Reconnecting with a ex after 10 years.
Posted: 1/15/2019 6:54:51 AM
I didnt want to make the first post a 'ramble on' post, but I maybe should have added that shes in the midst of a divorce from her not so great husband of 5 years (they've been separated for a year now), so I accept that as why she is bitter about dating for the time being. Her folks live close by and I spent alot of tie with them visiting while I was there, they way they treated me before and now is just like extended family. I have thought that this may be going nowhere, and I guess maybe I was just looking for that confirmation. I will tell her how I feel about this and see what happens then.
 Tech30
Joined: 8/11/2017
Msg: 6
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Reconnecting with a ex after 10 years.
Posted: 1/15/2019 7:46:16 AM
How do you know its the husband who is "not so good"? From what she told you? There are two sides to all stories and maybe shes the one who'se "not so good" Stay away from her, its nothing but bad decisions. Throw away your Gillette and be a man.
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 7
Reconnecting with a ex after 10 years.
Posted: 1/16/2019 7:08:00 AM
After a breakup, especially one that lasts so long, the love is gone and rarely returns. It's called ghostly lover syndrome. You fantasize about the good times but forget reality. You guys broke up for a reason.

- we call them breakups because they are broken.

- you can't go back.

- you get one chance per-person, per lifetime.

The only place you see love return is in the fantasy world of movies and TV.

It's okay! - find a new girlfriend.
 pfif
Joined: 8/25/2013
Msg: 8
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Reconnecting with a ex after 10 years.
Posted: 1/16/2019 1:38:57 PM
you get one chance per-person, per lifetime

This.

I've seen it go the other way, once, of everyone I've known.

She contacted him. I believe they were once married, long
before.

No, make that twice. I don't know who contacted who, but
it was a reunification with his first wife, after one or two
interim wives. ;)

That's without factoring in the idea of a long distance
relationship.

(This is probably unfair to ask)

Is your life where you live so disposable (use any word you
like there) that you can just leave it behind, and go gallivanting
off, to parts unknown? (rewrite the entire question to ask:
Okay to leave for a 1500 mile destination, with no exit
strategy?)

This is essentially an expatriate situation, in some regards.

A lot of people think that strong relationships in the local
community (and the surrounding, say, 200 mile radius) is
a key to a functional marital/coupling relationship.

Not sure how that works when you pick up and go.

I don't really see how it could.

What are her friends going to counsel, when they learn of
this general scenario? Why?
 pfif
Joined: 8/25/2013
Msg: 9
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Reconnecting with a ex after 10 years.
Posted: 1/16/2019 1:44:33 PM
see also:

Dunbar's Number
[ https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dunbar%27s_number ]

(sorry about the double post - would not let me edit)
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 10
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Reconnecting with a ex after 10 years.
Posted: 1/16/2019 1:49:28 PM

I will tell her how I feel about this and see what happens then.

It should be Obvious that the only reason you actually Did go down there on a "surprise!" on Xmas Eve, for 2 weeks to stay, was because you LIKED HER. Her being Separated & going thru divorce is reason she can lean on you Remotely -- much the same as, say, she had a sick kid in the hospital for a while. But she's distracted with drama some, and she can more easily ignore the consequences of the Obvious (you liking her) -- and reap the benefits (guy attention).

Of course you should bring up the Obvious to her. And to yourself, too. Do you really want to be pen-pals with some gal you dated for 6 months 10 years ago who's going thru a divorce and lives over 1,300 miles away, in hopes of getting in her underpants at some point and having her Like-Like you, on the rebound? Really? :)

Yes, bring it up to her, but don't say things & present yourself in a way to avoid rejection at-all-costs. Face the music. Stop pretend-land, playing a kind friend as if that's your Real motive underneath it all and always has been. :)

And no, the world does not revolve around you & your emotions. Step away from your heart/emotions in it's Sci-Fi channel form, and come back down to earth. :)
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 11
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Reconnecting with a ex after 10 years.
Posted: 1/16/2019 8:07:39 PM
OP...You're an emotional support piece for her. Welcome to the friend zone.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 12
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Reconnecting with a ex after 10 years.
Posted: 1/17/2019 2:24:43 PM

OP...You're an emotional support piece for her. Welcome to the friend zone.

Yeah, OP! Welcome to the club! You're member #10 for your ex! We all hang out against the wall, drink punch, and watch her getting picked up by some random dude who she has actual interest in. We wish it was us, we're still hoping for a chance, but we high-five her on her way out to the bedroom for the porking she desires. We're just waiting for our opportunity!
 ontheotherhand
Joined: 6/24/2018
Msg: 13
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Reconnecting with a ex after 10 years.
Posted: 1/17/2019 3:44:33 PM
So, she's going thru a divorce. You are either her moral support or the possible rebound guy. Trust me, you do not want to be the rebound guy. The rebound person is usually dumped as soon as the person going thru a breakup feels better about themself.
 BaldwinMotionPhaseIII
Joined: 10/15/2018
Msg: 14
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Reconnecting with a ex after 10 years.
Posted: 1/18/2019 9:50:44 AM
when a woman becomes your friend, and she says something along the lines of:

" 2 nights ago she asked me if men admire and adore their GF anymore since it seems to be a slipping trend"

smile and ask nonchelantly (sic)

"where does this come from?"

if she really sees you as a friend, she'll tell you the truth...its about the guy who used her last night as a booty call. if she wants to string you along a little bit more, she'll tell you its something she read someplace. and if she has an interest in you? then she asked as a test to see what type of man you are.

:)
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