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 Inicia
Joined: 10/11/2018
Msg: 1
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Dating Etiquette of 21 century "ADULTS"Page 1 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
-if a date proceeds pleasantly and dutch treat is not chosen-the person who incurred the cost of the date- just as when receiving a present: is it prudent to ignore the "gender role" game and reach out to thank the party who incurred the expense? Barring this one may be perceived: 1)disinterested, 2) inconsiderate 3) immature 4) trapped in "boy/girl game... In choosing dutch treat it could remove many of such outdated ideas. yet is often very difficult to overcome and challenge the social- culture gender programming found in "over 45" dating.
 Clytemnestra
Joined: 6/6/2018
Msg: 2
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Dating Etiquette of 21 century ADULTS
Posted: 1/26/2019 9:49:20 AM
I'm confused.
Are you asking if it is OK to thank someone who treats you to a nice meal or pleasant event?
I would think its just plain good manners.

I suppose if you go Dutch, it would save having to 'thank' anyone (male or female or however they present themselves) for anything other than their pleasant company. Kind of like leaving a verbal 'tip' to your server.

I don't consider good manners 'social-culture gender programming'.
But then again I may be missing the gist of your inquiry.

I don't see any reason to be stingy with 'thank you's~
Dating Etiquette of 21 century ADULTS
Posted: 1/26/2019 10:45:49 AM
Did some man not thank you?

Thank you is never outdated. I dont get the gender issue here.
 MyTrueCompanion
Joined: 9/20/2018
Msg: 4
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Posted: 1/26/2019 11:26:51 AM
If a woman shows up for a date, is timely, acts appropriate & he has suggested it at his expense, I think her mere presence (as long as it went well & she was gracious) is thank you enough.

A woman owes no man a damn thing for accepting HIS INVITE.

If a couple chooses to go Dutch, or a woman chooses to invite a man, that is a whole other ball of wax :0)
 whiterose0
Joined: 2/3/2009
Msg: 5
Dating Etiquette of 21 century ADULTS
Posted: 1/26/2019 11:45:33 AM

I don't consider good manners 'social-culture gender programming'.
But then again I may be missing the gist of your inquiry.

I don't see any reason to be stingy with 'thank you's~


Agreed. It's polite to thank someone for treating you, regardless of the occasion or the gender of the person who paid the tab. The fact that it's a date doesn't preclude the use of good manners.
 johnfromzelie
Joined: 3/8/2018
Msg: 6
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Posted: 1/26/2019 3:34:54 PM

If a woman shows up for a date, is timely, acts appropriate & he has suggested it at his expense, I think her mere presence (as long as it went well & she was gracious) is thank you enough.
just a bit arrogant maybe? I guess no need for pleasantry when your so superior to them. what if the man did all those things that you did, isn't his 'mere presence' valued too?
 MyTrueCompanion
Joined: 9/20/2018
Msg: 7
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Posted: 1/26/2019 5:48:52 PM
^
no, but thank you for noting that women are superior to men (as a whole)


& she was gracious) is thank you enough.


gra·ciousDictionary result for gracious
/ˈɡrāSHəs/Submit
adjective
1.
courteous, kind, and pleasant.
"smiling and gracious in defeat"
synonyms: courteous, polite, civil, chivalrous, well mannered, decorous, gentlemanly, ladylike, civilized, tactful, diplomatic; kind, kindly, kindhearted, warmhearted, benevolent, considerate, thoughtful, obliging, accommodating, charitable, indulgent, magnanimous, beneficent, benign; friendly, pleasant, amiable, affable, cordial, hospitable; informalcouth; informaldecent; datedmannerly
"she was ever the gracious hostess"


Did the man invite the women so she would some how be INDEBTED & then she must fawn & grovel?

Or did he invite her bec. he wanted her presence, & when she obliges at his request, and is "gracious" --that is not enough?
 ontheotherhand
Joined: 6/24/2018
Msg: 8
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Posted: 1/27/2019 12:33:36 AM
MyTrueCompanion:

Did the man invite the women so she would some how be INDEBTED & then she must fawn & grovel?

Or did he invite her bec. he wanted her presence, & when she obliges at his request, and is "gracious" --that is not enough?


No, that is not enough. Part of being courteous would be to verbally thank the gent for dinner afterward. I'm in agreement with the following.

Whiterose:

It's polite to thank someone for treating you, regardless of the occasion or the gender of the person who paid the tab. The fact that it's a date doesn't preclude the use of good manners.


Peppermint:

Thank you is never outdated


Clytemnestra:

I don't see any reason to be stingy with 'thank you's~
 MyTrueCompanion
Joined: 9/20/2018
Msg: 9
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Posted: 1/27/2019 3:29:58 AM
^^^^How's THAT working for you?
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 10
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Posted: 1/27/2019 5:15:11 AM

It's polite to thank someone for treating you, regardless of the occasion or the gender of the person who paid the tab. The fact that it's a date doesn't preclude the use of good manners.


Exactly. Not thanking the other person would give me the impression that they're unappreciative, spoiled, and entitled. That would be the first and last date...
 MyTrueCompanion
Joined: 9/20/2018
Msg: 11
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Posted: 1/27/2019 6:14:09 AM
^^
What if it was an OLD lunch date?

Scenario #1-Your date shows up late, doesn't resemble her pics so much, is rude, disinterested during lunch, stares at the younger, handsome waiter, keeps playing w/ her cell phone, complains about the meal, but at the end says "Thank you" ?

Scenario #2-Another date shows up timely, resembles her pics, is polite, engaged, interested & attentive towards her date, & says nice things like "this place is so lovely, I am so glad you suggested it" & is sincere about what she says, yet doesn't come out & say the mantra "thank you"?

Back when I did OLD, I resembled scenario #2. plus most of the time I did say thank you. I never asked any man to buy me a meal, I had food in my house, & I knew how to cook. Every time I met a man, I put gas in my car, drove out to the location THEY WANTED, was groomed, sober, well dressed, etc. acted socially appropriate. Since it was an initial meet, not a real date, I would order ice tea & something small, like an appetizer or a salad, which was not costly in the least.

Many times the men did not look so good/as good as the pics they posted, were not so engaging, & frankly most were not worth my time or effort, yet I maintained a polite civility.

A few times the men orchestrated us being seen together to get at an ex/make an ex jealous.

Should I have cow-tow-ed on the floor for any of them? Should any person, of either gender, cow-tow for any form of manipulation?

I preferred meeting men the "organic" way in the past, where the whole process was natural, not orchestrated.

Slapping "Thank you" on a social interaction does not make one polite or thoughtful, but rather the actions done in the entire time together.
 MyTrueCompanion
Joined: 9/20/2018
Msg: 12
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Posted: 1/27/2019 7:16:22 AM

That would be the first and last date

Perhaps such women went into the "date" hopeful & upon meeting the man, felt disappointed by an aspect of his appearance & or behavior & responded in a manner to guarantee that it indeed would be "the first and last date" ;0D
 whiterose0
Joined: 2/3/2009
Msg: 13
Dating Etiquette of 21 century ADULTS
Posted: 1/27/2019 8:15:26 AM
I was curious and did some research online to see if there was a general consensus anywhere that said NOT thanking a man for treating you to a date was considered gracious. I couldn't find anyone in favor of it - no etiquette experts, dating experts, or any individual who dated. Until reading some of the posts in this thread, I couldn't find a single person who thought this behavior was acceptable.

Of course, this is assuming that the date went well and the woman had a good time. If that's the case, the polite thing to do is to thank the man at the end of the date and say something along the lines of : "I had a great time. Thank you for a lovely dinner." This lets the man feel that he was appreciated.
 MyTrueCompanion
Joined: 9/20/2018
Msg: 14
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Posted: 1/27/2019 8:49:35 AM
^Spin it what ever way you wish, trite phrases on their own do not make for "polite" behavior, but rather the whole encounter, from start to finish.

Any fool w/ $100 or so in his/her pocket can treat anyone to a nice lunch. So what?

What about being there for the long haul, now THAT is something to thank a person for.
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 15
Dating Etiquette of 21 century ADULTS
Posted: 1/27/2019 10:11:47 AM
Yes, if the man payed for the date, you say "thank you". It's just common etiquette to thank someone when they do something for you.

If in doubt, just do the same thing you would do with a friend if they paid. A relationship is a friendship on fire.

Being nice, classy, and gracious never goes out of style (although it sometimes seems to be lacking in this MTV generation).
 whiterose0
Joined: 2/3/2009
Msg: 16
Dating Etiquette of 21 century ADULTS
Posted: 1/27/2019 10:53:07 AM
I wasn’t spinning anything. I was responding to OP’s inquiry, which was:


IF (emphasis mine) a date proceeds pleasantly (emphasis mine) and dutch treat is not chosen-the person who incurred the cost of the date- just as when receiving a present: is it prudent to ignore the "gender role" game and reach out to thank the party who incurred the expense? Barring this one may be perceived: 1)disinterested, 2) inconsiderate 3) immature 4) trapped in "boy/girl game...


My response to the OP’s question is YES, it is courteous to thank the person who incurred the expense if the date proceeded pleasantly. That’s simply how polite society operates. Most of us are taught in early childhood to thank someone who does something for us. Anyone who doesn’t understand this simple concept is lacking in basic manners and interpersonal skills.
 fullmoonguy2
Joined: 6/14/2017
Msg: 17
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Posted: 1/27/2019 11:54:30 AM

Being nice, classy, and gracious never goes out of style


Correct, they never goes out of style.

They just goes out of use by people with poor style.
 Whatsamattababy
Joined: 9/29/2017
Msg: 18
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Posted: 1/27/2019 12:58:33 PM
This is why I pay my own way. Well, one of the reasons. The other is that I want to be treated as an equal, so logic dictates I'm going to behave as an equal.
 Inicia
Joined: 10/11/2018
Msg: 19
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Posted: 1/27/2019 1:42:31 PM
- I am very pleased the majority of responses indicate the forward thinking of a social culture that understands and embraces the concept "power games" are not necessary for many intimate relationships, and indeed can inhibit based upon lack of mutual respect and consideration. For myself I posed the quandary knowing it is prudent and proper to reach out with a follow up "thank you"-yet dating ideology of in my adolescent ages was don't call them- wait- don't chase that is-the boy part and i must objectify myself as the sought prize! Which causes a bit of a cognitive disjunct for myself. IMO mature adults don't do this: Or at least those i would find interesting....
As others have stated, dutch treat is my preference to eliminate possible perceptions of power dynamics. However, some men and women are conditioned/maybe naturally predisposed, to appreciate and enjoy, feeling power in their gender assigned roles. I suppose when employed arriving to work, on time-dressed appropriately, neat and clean, being pleasant and doing our work(communicating) gets us a paycheck/benefits-so gratuities exchanged- So transferring this ideology to dating i guess it happens-but i want something different of my intimate relationships and dating is the fun part so if any fools got a hundred dollars wants a personable, happy companion for a date- and offers the same, with my hundred we can double our pleasure!. ROFLMAO!!
 ontheotherhand
Joined: 6/24/2018
Msg: 20
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Posted: 1/27/2019 5:36:37 PM

MyTrueCompanion - How's THAT working for you?


Quite nicely, thank you.

Basically I attempt to treat people the way I want to be treated. I sincerely do believe that please and thank you go a long in making people feel appreciated and respected. I treat people with respect until they show me that they don't deserve it.
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 21
Dating Etiquette of 21 century ADULTS
Posted: 1/27/2019 6:52:25 PM
Whiterose:

It's polite to thank someone for treating you, regardless of the occasion or the gender of the person who paid the tab. The fact that it's a date doesn't preclude the use of good manners.


Peppermint:

Thank you is never outdated


Clytemnestra:

I don't see any reason to be stingy with 'thank you's~


MyTrueCompanion:

^^^^How's THAT working for you?


Ladyinred0407:
^^^^How's THAT NOT working for YOU?????????????? ?

ontheotherhand:

Quite nicely, thank you


^ ^ ^ ^ ^ EXXXXACTLY! Thank you, Thank You, Thank you. Works so well, I use it daily! Amaaaaaazing!
I feel GRRREAT!
 zonavar68
Joined: 8/16/2015
Msg: 22
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Posted: 1/28/2019 2:00:49 AM
My preference, for the few dates I've been successful at securing, is to always offer to pay the whole bill and if the lady politely declines and wishes to split the bill that's fine with me. Personally as I'm the one who's started the ball rolling so-to-speak and been able to get someone to actually agree to meet in person, I should continue the ball-rolling and offer to pay the whole cost.

What I find rude is that if I offer to pay the whole bill and the lady goes along with that, a thankyou is expected. So if no recognition of covering the full expense is provided, that's a sign that I'm being used and there is no real genuine interest.

It's irrelevant how far (or not) someone has travelled to meet up - if you agree to meet any/all incumberences of making that arrangement are born by the individual and not relevant to the actually meetup. IMHO at least. That's why so many people say no based on the perceived notion of what is 'too far' to travel for a date.

Of course that's subjective because a person may find the other person insanely attractive and willingly travel further than he/she would otherwise think is reasonably based on 'tingles' one gets during the early conversations.
 am70sguy
Joined: 6/11/2005
Msg: 23
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Posted: 1/28/2019 2:11:44 AM
A thank you is always nice, as I would thank them for joining me. Never ran into somebody wanting to go dutch, so now sure how I'd react to handling that, but it would still get a thanks!
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 24
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Posted: 1/28/2019 4:36:30 AM

the person who incurred the cost of the date- just as when receiving a present:

It is just as when receiving a present if it's the female who's paying and the male who's getting the freebie. But it is Not like receiving a present, the other way around. That said...

is it prudent to ignore the "gender role" game and reach out to thank the party who incurred the expense?

... ignoring this "gender role" (ie baby-games accepted by self-described 'mature' society) isn't required to say that yes, it is prudent to thank the male who incurred the expense, and vice versa. Even if they did so as a result of "owing you one". Thanking them for a lovely evening, or even in another way by saying positive things about the choice of place & having a lovely time, etc -- is pretty easy to do. It doesn't hold much weight looking for specific key words. The desire for one to do that shouldn't be too strong -- it should be more about not getting the Opposite vibe from them. That's the key, IMO.

That said, I wouldn't want the gal thanking me as some robotic form of linguistical reflex. I'm a bit different of a person... I don't say "I'm doing great, thanks," when I'm asked a robotic "Hi, how are you?" even by a stranger. I'm more of a truth teller (but don't think lesser about anyone who does; I take it as robotic & expected robotic anyway). But point is -- on a date, I am sizing them up if there's any potential interest. My interest goes down if they don't seem to have any Actual appreciation for it on any Real level.

If a gal who I'm not even "chasing" thinks of me taking her out on a date on the same level as "owing" her something -- I do lose interest. Surprisingly, there are too many gals who will say they do Not see it on that level when you bring it up... and aren't lying to you... but when the rubber meats the road -- that is Actually how they do see it; as it's an Expected thing to do. Which Does put it on the Same level of him "owing" her something, unfortunately. Because "that's what a man's Supposed to do; it's the proper way". When something has the cloak of culture from elders -- good luck trying to convince them it's actually a negative thing underneath it all, when you really look at it. Culture & tribalism that catches on with the backing of most 'cultured' elders, will keep people doing things the same thing over and over... even if it's unideal and kind of silly. :)
 MyTrueCompanion
Joined: 9/20/2018
Msg: 25
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Posted: 1/28/2019 7:36:48 AM

... ignoring this "gender role" (ie baby-games accepted by self-described 'mature' society) isn't required to say that yes, it is prudent to thank the male who incurred the expense, and vice versa. Even if they did so as a result of "owing you one". Thanking them for a lovely evening, or even in another way by saying positive things about the choice of place & having a lovely time, etc -- is pretty easy to do. It doesn't hold much weight looking for specific key words. The desire for one to do that shouldn't be too strong -- it should be more about not getting the Opposite vibe from them. That's the key, IMO. <---this

That said,I wouldn't want the gal thanking me as some robotic form of linguistical reflex<---THIS. I'm a bit different of a person... I don't say "I'm doing great, thanks," when I'm asked a robotic "Hi, how are you?" even by a stranger. I'm more of a truth teller (but don't think lesser about anyone who does; I take it as robotic & expected robotic anyway)<---agree, but I find robotic boring & disingenuous. But point is -- on a date, I am sizing them up if there's any potential interest. My interest goes down if they don't seem to have any Actual appreciation for it on any Real level.

If a gal who I'm not even "chasing" thinks of me taking her out on a date on the same level as "owing" her something -- I do lose interest. Surprisingly, there are too many gals who will say they do Not see it on that level when you bring it up... and aren't lying to you... but when the rubber meats the road -- that is Actually how they do see it; as it's an Expected thing to do. Which Does put it on the Same level of him "owing" her something, unfortunately. Because "that's what a man's Supposed to do; it's the proper way". When something has the cloak of culture from elders -- good luck trying to convince them it's actually a negative thing underneath it all, when you really look at it. Culture & tribalism that catches on with the backing of most 'cultured' elders, will keep people doing things the same thing over and over... even if it's unideal and kind of silly. :) <---THIS TOO
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