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Show ALL Forums  > Ask A Girl  > Why do some women do this? Did I do anything wrong?      Home login  
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 basilisk123
Joined: 12/17/2011
Msg: 1
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Why do some women do this? Did I do anything wrong?Page 1 of 1    
Backstory: I have no luck with women. None at all. I gave up on ever having a relationship or even a fling years ago. When I am working a long shift, I usually stop by a local gas station to get a coffee. At this particular gas station, there is this cute chubby woman who is my type and we sort of hit it off. I don't think much of it, after all, even though she is cute, I am still me. This goes on for a couple months.

A week or two ago, she looks sad and I ask her what is wrong. I ask, "are you doing ok?" She says she broke up with her boyfriend. I say that I am sorry to hear that. She is a nice girl after all, and I don't think she deserved being treated badly, no one does.

A few days later, I am getting my regular coffee and she says that I should call her. I say that I don't have her number (I am an idiot). To which she said, "You never asked for it." In my head, I am panicking. This sounds like a come on. I freeze. She writes down her number and gives it to me.

I am ecstatic that something like this is happening. After all, she is really cute and totally my type (physically).

I give her a call later on that night, thinking well I will take this slow.
She picks up and almost immediately says that she is not wanting a serious relationship right now because she just got out of one, to which I respond that I understand.
She asks why I don't have a girlfriend, and I immediately freeze (she noticed) because the real answer is very complicated. I say that the short answer is that I never really connected to anyone before, which is true. I liked people that didn't like me back.

She then says that she only wants to be friends and proceeds to tell me about all her past boyfriends and how they mistreated her.

I zone out...


The next day, like an idiot (I really am obviously) I call her again, thinking that maybe she was just drunk or just had to get it out of her system.


Nope, she proceeds to tell me about how much she still loves another ex boyfriend who happens to be married with a kid, and how he is texting her saying he wants to be with her. She is obviously responsive to him.
I sigh and just sort of auto-pilot the conversation to a close.


I feel disgusted now, not only with her, but with myself. I should have seen the HUGE red flag that was there, but being desperate, I proceeded to try again. Which just got me shitted on AGAIN.


I am tired. The whole ordeal just makes me tired.

So my question is, besides the 2nd call, what did I do wrong? Why do I keep attracting women that shit on me.
 gavs321
Joined: 1/15/2019
Msg: 2
Why do some women do this? Did I do anything wrong?
Posted: 1/27/2019 2:32:40 PM
That's horrible.

I do not think you did anything wrong.

From my experience, when a woman has serious interest
in a man she will take charge and progress things.

I had a relationship with my teacher from Belarus when I
was 24 years old.

I had this math class twice a week and within that week,
we were having sex.

I feel that if this woman was interested in you, you would've
known within 1 week to 1 month of knowing her that she
was interested.

What I'm trying to say is, within a month at the most
she would of said something like "I want to hang out".

That's my opinion and based on my experiences with
how women respond to me.
 aroundthewaygirl
Joined: 12/19/2018
Msg: 3
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Why do some women do this? Did I do anything wrong?
Posted: 1/28/2019 7:03:44 AM
You let this woman shit on you by calling her the second time. Sometimes we do stupid stuff when we want attention/relationship but you need to learn from your mistakes and grow a backbone.
Only you can make the changes in yourself. I know it sounds cheesy but what do you expect others to do for you?
 curvylady1965
Joined: 12/31/2017
Msg: 4
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Why do some women do this? Did I do anything wrong?
Posted: 1/28/2019 7:22:37 AM
OP, you acknowledge calling a second time was an error. I get why you did it, however. From what you have described, she was inviting you into her life and it stands to reason many would think it was invitation to be something more than a friend because presumably at her age, she already has plenty of friends she can commiserate with. Why she did this, I don't know. To me, it comes across as game-playing on her part. Others will see things differently I am sure. In my opinion, despite how she was clearly sending out a message to you, I would stay away from those just out of a relationship. If you decide to give those just out of a relationship a try, I would at least take it as a huge flag when a first real conversation with someone when that someone brings up past relationships. At the very least, it shows a lack of respect and demonstrates to me they haven't processed those past relationships sufficiently to learn from them and move past them.
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 5
Why do some women do this? Did I do anything wrong?
Posted: 1/28/2019 8:11:24 AM
You did very good!

You just don't know everything about women. When a woman just gets out of a relationship, she is often on the rebound. It takes time for her to heal and be ready for love again.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 6
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Why do some women do this? Did I do anything wrong?
Posted: 1/28/2019 5:01:52 PM
Basilisk from previous posts you seem to think there a relationship will develop with a woman as soon you meet her.


I should have seen the HUGE red flag

Care to explain that, I can't see it.


So my question is, besides the 2nd call, what did I do wrong?

You did nothing wrong at all. How were you supposed to know she wanted to talk about her exes. As for the second phone call that's what one does when they;re interested. Unfortunately again she talked about her exes. You have to realise she's thinks you're a nice guy otherwise she wouldn't have given you her number. Talk to her a couple more times and see if she talks about exes again. If it happens you can be her friend because friendships can evolve into relationships. Ever try to change the topic?


Why do I keep attracting women that shit on me.

You're to easily offended. She didn't shit on you. Again she was looking to talk with you and you were immediately thinking future relationship.
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 7
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Why do some women do this? Did I do anything wrong?
Posted: 1/28/2019 6:32:09 PM

She says she broke up with her boyfriend.



You were heading "down a one way street", from here ^ ^ ^ ^

The answer to your question, available with-in the above.
If you don't want trouble, don't invite trouble.
 JJBean21
Joined: 1/26/2019
Msg: 8
Why do some women do this? Did I do anything wrong?
Posted: 1/31/2019 12:00:06 AM
You didn't do anything wrong. Stop beating yourself up for following through and calling her. She needs a friend, that's it. Don't put too much thought into why she did this or said that. And really, having expectations only sets you up to be disappointed. Just go with the flow.

If she asks you to call her, give her your number and tell her to call YOU. But just be prepared that it will be to just vent about her ex.
Good luck.
 Inicia
Joined: 10/11/2018
Msg: 9
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Why do some women do this? Did I do anything wrong?
Posted: 2/5/2019 7:31:38 PM
she did not shit on you!!!you did nothing wrong! Indeed the right choice to not call again. I would not deliberately avoid the convenience store or her. Be pleasant that is all. She is a blip on the radar- indeed though taking such behavior personal- and feeling all women "sh*t on you" might be a bit extreme and something to look into with a therapist. We all have received less than respectful behavior in our lives and approaching others with this idea that it is all (people we have sexual interest in)-can indeed make one hypersensitive and carrying a black cloud over one's head. Becoming a self fulfilling prophecy.
 Tech30
Joined: 8/11/2017
Msg: 10
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Why do some women do this? Did I do anything wrong?
Posted: 2/6/2019 7:31:11 AM
She needed someone to vent to about the men in her life and she chose you.

When you talked to her you should have invited her out, not listen to her chat about other men. Just a 60 second phone call to set something up and thats it. Then if she rambles on about men you interrupt and say you have to go.

Dont follow her lead because women will lead you right into the friend zone where they will talk to you about all the men they want to have sex with , men who dont let her vent to them about her problems.
 Inicia
Joined: 10/11/2018
Msg: 11
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Why do some women do this? Did I do anything wrong?
Posted: 2/6/2019 2:19:36 PM

who dont LET HER vent to them about HER problems.
wow!! nobody wants to be a venting board only- but is it a necessary skill certainly. Especially when looking to become "HER PROBLEM"
 SurelyIamShirley
Joined: 7/22/2016
Msg: 12
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Why do some women do this? Did I do anything wrong?
Posted: 2/13/2019 7:56:24 PM

So my question is, besides the 2nd call, what did I do wrong? Why do I keep attracting women that shit on me.


Do you ever initiate conversation with happy women?
 basilisk123
Joined: 12/17/2011
Msg: 13
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Why do some women do this? Did I do anything wrong?
Posted: 2/13/2019 11:17:19 PM
"I know it sounds cheesy but what do you expect others to do for you?"-aroundthewaygirl

Honestly, I don't expect anything from others anymore. Family leaves, friends leave, women leave. I have almost nothing but what I scrape together for myself, and that isn't much.


" Talk to her a couple more times and see if she talks about exes again. If it happens you can be her friend because friendships can evolve into relationships. Ever try to change the topic?"-_Rise_Above_This_

Not possible to talk to her anymore. She obviously was reciprocating the feelings of a married man, so I do not want to get involved with that kind of person. I never really tried changing the topic after she started talking about her past relationships. It kind of killed the mood.


"You're to easily offended. She didn't shit on you. Again she was looking to talk with you and you were immediately thinking future relationship."-_Rise_Above_This_

Perhaps you have a point. It is just from the way she was talking I remembered a previous woman I liked a lot who did the same. I was stupid to go down that road once, so I refuse to go down it again.

"The answer to your question, available with-in the above.
If you don't want trouble, don't invite trouble. "- Ladyinred0407

amen to that, but I didn't invite this, it sort of just showed up. She approached me, not the other way around. But I have to admit that I have a weakness for assertive/aggressive women.

"I would not deliberately avoid the convenience store or her. Be pleasant that is all."-Inicia

I can't do that because it is too awkward! I don't think I could look her in the face without getting immediately depressed and wanting to crawl under a rock and eat a bag of potato chips. It sucks too, because where am I going to get a large piping hot cup of coffee at 9PM!?

"Don't follow her lead because women will lead you right into the friend zone where they will talk to you about all the men they want to have sex with , men who dont let her vent to them about her problems."- Tech30

that statement sounds misogynistic. I don't mind her venting her troubles, because I like talking too. I just want her to have a conversation with me, and not the ghosts of her past relationships.

"Do you ever initiate conversation with happy women? "-SurelyIamShirley

Of course I do, it just seems I don't attract them for some reason.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 14
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Why do some women do this? Did I do anything wrong?
Posted: 2/14/2019 5:33:01 AM

I can't do that because it is too awkward!

Yes it could be but that doesn't mean it will be and in either case it doesn't matter. You're limiting yourself and choosing the easy way out based on your own reasoning. Unfortunately, because of your illness, don't you usually see the worst case scenarios in everything when you encounter a problem? Go get that 9 pm cup of coffee and if it's awkward then don't go back. You need to find out.


I never really tried changing the topic after she started talking about her past relationships. It kind of killed the mood.

No, it killed your mood because you had unrealistic expectations of the situation and I'll finish writing this on March 1st since it took you two weeks to respond to your thread I'm sure I have the time
 basilisk123
Joined: 12/17/2011
Msg: 15
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Why do some women do this? Did I do anything wrong?
Posted: 2/14/2019 9:45:07 AM
Let us say I go back and talk to her again, what exactly will it change? I don't think it would change anything. I know it will be awkward for me if I see her, so I choose to skip that part. If she wants to talk to me again, she has my number.


How is getting to know her an unrealistic expectation? Again, I didn't ask for any of it. I was approached. I thought that the woman who stuck her number in my hand might actually want something to do with me. I just didn't think that the something was to lay her emotional garbage at my feet. my bad.


You do realize this is a message board and not a chat room, right? Plus, this section is a limited reply section. I wanted everyone's input before I replied. To do that a good amount of time is needed because not everyone is on here every day, or even every week.


I did receive the answers I needed though and I have become less depressed about the whole affair.
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 17
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Why do some women do this? Did I do anything wrong?
Posted: 2/14/2019 8:42:41 PM
Well Basilisk I waited over 12 hours for someone to post here so as to save you a precious post and as you can see no one has. That's because it's a dead thread which you yourself killed and none of your preaching and rudeness is going to change that.


You do realize this is a message board and not a chat room, right?

A message board is a chatroom except the people don't respond immediately. Didn't you notice the people here are having conversations. In fact you're chatting with tech30 right now on the transgender thread and that's the only way it can be viewed.


Plus, this section is a limited reply section.

I know, I'm not new and I could burn the rest of your posts if i wanted too. You are the one who limited the posts by putting it in this category so don't be preaching about whether or not I can post here. Either next time put it in a different category or don't whine about it.

I wanted everyone's input before I replied. To do that a good amount of time is needed because not everyone is on here every day, or even every week.
Bullshit You get more responses if you interact otherwise it moves to the bottom of the list and eventually dies which this one did. In fact Shirley would have had to search for this thread to find it. It took you a week to come here after the thread died.


Let us say I go back and talk to her again,


Do you see the word "her" in my statement?

Yes it could be but that doesn't mean it will be and in either case it doesn't matter. You're limiting yourself and choosing the easy way out based on your own reasoning. Unfortunately, because of your illness, don't you usually see the worst case scenarios in everything when you encounter a problem? Go get that 9 pm cup of coffee and if it's awkward then don't go back. You need to find out.

Maybe it was the way I wrote it that you thought I was talking about her but I wasn't. I was talking about you being able to go into that store at 9 pm to get that cup even if she's working. As I said basilisk I'm not new here and I know your history. You need to deal with your low self-esteem in small ways and this would be a good way to try and all you have to do is go buy a cup of coffee. As you say it would be awkward but my thoughts are that you're over thinking this. How do you know awkward is going to lead to a deeper depression?
 basilisk123
Joined: 12/17/2011
Msg: 18
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Why do some women do this? Did I do anything wrong?
Posted: 2/14/2019 10:46:17 PM
Well let's skip the whole thing about msg board vs. Chat room. I disagree, but whatever, it is only a minor issue if at all.


I know you are not new here, sorry for being condescending. It is a bad habit of mine to get preachy.
My past posts are on display for everyone to see, as awkward and embarrassing as they are. You are not burning me by pulling them out to use against me. I don't really care about it. I am fully aware of how much of a terrible person I am.

This msging board is old as hell, and has barely anyone on anymore. It takes months for a topic just to get to the bottom of the front page. I think this is the first time I posted in this category, actually. If I did before, it has been a very loooooong time.

I also get what you are saying, about getting back on the horse and all. Going back in there, but that day will come, eventually. I am not going to rush it.

You are also right in that my self esteem is a problem for me. I am in my mid 30s, and don't have anything a woman would reasonably expect a potential partner to have. I am basically an all around loser, and that is not me being depressed. It is the truth. I am trying to change that right now by going to college, but honestly nothing has really changed so far. I don't even know why I am even bothering to do it half the time. I just keep going just to keep going.

I will be in my early to mid 40s when I finish my degree, and I can't impose on my family for that long. It is obvious that they don't want me around, and I doubt I can juggle everything financially for that long. I have been in college for 3-1/2 years so far. I got an associate degree in communication, but an associate degree doesn't mean shit to employers. I have been thinking about just quitting and getting a place of my own so I can rot away in the dark corner somewhere. I don't know what else to do anymore...
/rant.

sorry, it is late and I am moody when I am tired. I got a lot of stuff on my mind, but yeah. Low self esteem is one of my greater problems.
 olglez
Joined: 1/26/2019
Msg: 19
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Why do some women do this? Did I do anything wrong?
Posted: 2/15/2019 12:29:00 PM
Sorry to hear that.

It doesn't seem like you've done anything wrong. I mean, you've just phoned her and listened to her vent. Which is sweet. Something a friend would do...that's the problem, she's said it herself, she doesn't want a relationship. Which is understandable, and which you seem to understand.
Overall, I think you've the right guy in the right place at the wrong time
 _Rise_Above_This_
Joined: 1/14/2018
Msg: 20
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Why do some women do this? Did I do anything wrong?
Posted: 2/15/2019 1:22:50 PM

My past posts are on display for everyone to see, as awkward and embarrassing as they are. You are not burning me by pulling them out to use against me. I don't really care about it. I am fully aware of how much of a terrible person I am.

To me your posts are honest and allow a person to get to know you. Sure they're awkward and embarrassing to you because it's your life that you're talking about and it's not a good one. Why would I burn you with an old post? Terrible person? What have you done that's terrible? You are to be admired for dealing with your illness alone without much medical treatment. Are you still dealing with it alone?

I could tell your depression has lessened due to the fact you're still posting. When your down it's 3 or 4 posts and gone. I could be wrong but it doesn't matter. To me you have a self defeating attitude which of course stems from your low self esteem and depression. I'm guessing it's only depression since I've never seen a post where you stated it outright. I know your story quite well actually and can relate to your thinking and understand how it affects you.


I have been thinking about just quitting and getting a place of my own so I can rot away in the dark corner somewhere.

I know it's only a thought but trust me you wouldn't survive because of your state of mind. As of today I will have spent 11 of the last 14 days alone. Starting tomorrow I will spend the next 10 days alone. Other than occasional phone calls from family I talk with no one.

I guess if you want to continue chatting you'll have to create another thread. It's up to you.
 Poet_in_Motion
Joined: 5/14/2018
Msg: 21
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Why do some women do this? Did I do anything wrong?
Posted: 2/15/2019 5:58:11 PM
The simple answer to why you attract women that "shit on you" is because you let them. I don't connect with people easily either (if I was a dude I would probably be like you TBH) so I get that when you finally meet someone you like you can start to romanticize the situation because it's so rare. I have done with before with a few guys that didn't want anything serious because they were hung up over their exes. The issue with romanticizing someone is that it's often one sided and you can't control what is going on in their life or what they want no matter how great you think you'd be together. She was just out of a relationship, confused and wanting to vent. It also sounds like she has an issue with relationships in general. The inability to get over an ex is often because we've attached our ego to that relationship/person. Her ex saying he wants her back is feeding her ego which is why she doesn't just tell him to take a hike. This is something she needs to work on and figure out for herself and not something you should get in the middle of, even as a friend.


From what you've said I get the feeling you listen to people's problems even when you don't want to. You probably accept treatment that you know isn't right. But you aren't doing yourself any good. Your life is yours and it's ok to tell a person "Look I'm sorry you are going through this but I am not here to be your therapist. I am looking for X and if you aren't then I'm sorry but I can't give you my time".
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